Boyfriend struggling with family life

[Snazzas]

A bit of context. A few years ago I finally plucked up the courage and split with my abusive alcoholic ex. We have two children, now 4 and 9. He has very little contact with them.

A year ago my new partner moved in with us. The transition from dating to moving in happened very quickly. Firstly, because for the first time in my life I had a partner who I loved and treated me with such care and respect; secondly because he got on incredibly well with my children; thirdly lockdown restrictions meant I had no more childcare options and moving in would allow us to still spend time together.

About 4 months in my partner (a teacher) said he was finding working with kids all day at school then coming home to the demands of family life exhausting. For a few weeks we trialled him spending a couple of nights back at his old house to give him space to breathe. This worked well but then Christmas and lockdown number 2 came along and we quickly slipped back into him living back at my house full time. I then got a new job and the demands on him ( the occasional nursery pick-up, food shop, cleaning up after tea time etc.) increased. We had very little time alone together apart from snippets in the evening.

Last Sunday after we had come back from a Junior Parkrun where my youngest had had a meltdown my partner suddenly announced that he loved me so much but he doesn’t want his own kids and is finding daily life with mine incredibly hard. He then gathered a few things and left.

I feel completely devastated not just for me but for my children ( who luckily the following day went to their grandparents’ for a couple of days) as they adore him. He’s currently having space and we’re both thinking about what to do next and whether a relationship can continue moving forward.

Has anyone else had a similar situation to this? Is there a workable solution?

I’m keen for him not to feel like he has to take on any parenting responsibilities, that he can just be a boyfriend rather than a father figure. Maybe I can strike a better balance between giving my children more 1:1 time with me and separately 1:1 time with my partner? I’m just not sure how to go about it. I feel torn, like everything’s a mess and just want the best outcome for everybody.

Thank you to those people who have posted helpful and thoughtful comments I really appreciate it.

People who post on here are often reaching out for help and it’s not very pleasant to reply with comments like ‘awful’. From a little post you can’t possibly see the whole picture. It’s not helpful to judge.

We had know each other years before we started dating. Also my parents couldn’t help out because they have both passed away and I have no other family.

I definitely am thinking about the impact on my children. That’s why I’m trying to reach out for help and advice.

In total he’s done the nursery pick-up about 5 times. He offered. I’ve never expected him to do anything. He just saw me juggling and wanted to help.

I certainly wouldn’t be moving him back out and in. He has always kept his own place throughout all of this which was sensible. I’m just trying to think of ways that a relationship can still work in this respect. Thank you to those that have offered suggestions on this point. There’s a lot to consider.

Too much too soon and you have left it late to suddenly declare you were thinking on the impact on your children, sorry.
Both of you got carried away and were at fault, go back to dating.

Op you'll get a lot of judgement on this thread but lockdown wasn't a usual time and actually even if it wasn't lockdown it's nobody's business but you're own.

I would suggest to your partner that you rewind a bit...he stays at his and you date...it's all been a bit of a whirlwind this past year!

And as a teacher I find my own children irritating after spending all day with little people, it's like you can't switch off! That's mostly though as I teach children the same age as my own...it'll be easier once I no longer teach the same age range as my children (ie they get more independent!).

Good luck op!

I'm sorry op but unless you're up for a bit of casual on the side I don't see how you can continue.
The kids will be confused if he's going from living there to seeing him occasionally and you two still together so it's just them he doesn't want. The eldest is old enough to figure this out

If you had 50/50 custody there might be enough time to make it work but you have so little alt childcare when would you see him that keeps the kids out the way?

I think if he's certain he doesn't want to be part of a family then it's clean cut time

hes being pretty clear, and also quite reasonable. Family life isnt for everyone, and family life when theyre not your own children must be even harder. I mean, I do love my friends kids and nieces and nephews etc, but I wouldnt want to live with them. Its hard enough with my own!

I think its been made pretty clear, this guy could be a boyfriend who lives seperatly to you, but if you want someone to come in and be part of a live in family, then it will need to be someone else.

@Pissoi

I'm sorry OP but I think you've been really selfish and irresponsible to your children. Lockdown meaning you wouldn't see him so much was your problem, not your childrens. You should never have moved him in after knowing him so little, he was effectively a stranger and you made him a pseudo-parent to your children?!

Let him go, and date him when the children are with family or get a babysitter when they are in bed for the evening.

This.

@Figgygal

Your kids come first He’s telling you he doesn’t want a life with your kids in it

This.

Also, it's no bad reflection on him that he can't handle it. It's hard enough when the kids are actually yours, let alone when they're another person's and you can't even discipline them the way you want etc. I'm very maternal but no way would I be able to handle working then coming home to another person's children.

You need to put your kids first and stop introducing men you've only known a short time into their lives. it's so unfair and emotionally damaging to them. Can their own dad not take them and share the parenting load? You're expecting another man to essentially help parent them when you're not even married/he's not their step dad.

You want different things. It’s clear from the way you’ve moved him in and are talking about childcare that you want someone to be a step father, to be a part of your family. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. Lots of other men would want that. Just not this one...!

Also in response to your last line in your post, NO you absolutely should not be foisting a half hearted person on your DCs. You should never have introduced him to them in the first place and should have kept your dating life separate (or put it on hiatus if spending quality time was difficult in Covid circumstances, like many other parents and single people have had to do).

As another poster said, your kids are old enough to now feel rejected that yet another man has decided to no longer be a proper part of their lives - they will see him radically scaling back and feel rejection. They will also start feeling responsible as they will sense you being unhappy with just them, without a man to hang onto anymore.

You may not want to hear it but you are behaving very selfishly in regards to their wellbeing. Why can't you date and leave them out of it? Lockdown was hard for everyone - no excuse whatsoever for what you've done.

I’m keen for him not to feel like he has to take on any parenting responsibilities, that he can just be a boyfriend rather than a father figure.

Tbh I think this is the key. Is he having to do loads of parenting/family duties? You mentioned he's doing nursery drop-offs, cleaning up after tea (assuming he's also doing the kids their tea)?

I think people are right that it's probably all gone a bit quick for him and he's feeling a bit suffocated by it all. Doesn't sound like he had a great deal of time to get used to being around the children, let alone taking on regular parental duties for them.

I'd have a chat with him about what level of involvement you'd both be comfortable with him having when it comes to the kids.

We had know each other years before we started dating

I mean this gently but clearly you didn’t know him very well at all. You want a step father, a family unit, a partner helping you raise the kids. He wants to date and have adult fun. Had you both taken longer. Built up grandually with time spent with the kids, occasional weekend activities after a year or two, but dated properly alone first,. and got to know each other fully, this situation would not have occured.

Declaring you loved him and moving him in after a few weeks of dating was always a huge risk strategy and highly inadvisable. You simoly want different things, and each time lock down has ended he’s bolted.

What are you going to say to your children?

I can see why you moved him in, it was a strange time.

I think your relationship can work if he moved back out and dated again. He can still come for sleep overs and have family days out I am sure he hasn't said that he never wants to see your kids again!

I am seeing someone and we have absolutely no plans to move in together for at least 3 years because that's when it will suit my kids best.

I often see posts on MN from a stepmums perspective, saying how the stepmum shouldn’t be automatically expected to do the school run, school holiday childcare etc for her stepchildren, as these are her husbands children and his responsibility (quite right).

Even though he is living with you, I don’t necessarily think it’s right that he is picking up these childcare tasks (nursery run, cleaning up after their dinner, buying their food etc). These are your jobs as a parent. Maybe a few years down the line when the family is more integrated, yes. But after a few months of dating, I’m not surprised he feels trapped.

I’d echo other posters that you should either go back to dating, or ensure he REALLY doesn’t pick up any childcare-related tasks in the home. Including emptying out their lunchboxes, sticking the bath on, getting some nuggets out the oven, anything, even small things. I don’t think him living with you should add extra burden (so he should tidy up his own messes, cook half the grown up meals etc) but expecting him to help out with any kid stuff is unfair, even if he offers. He’s not their parent.

He’s probably a nice man and felt too mean to say it before, but it sounds like he’s had enough now.

Continue the relationship whilst living apart, he can come on days out with your kids or movie nights in but he doesn’t have to live with them or get stuck in with children related chores. If he loves you and the relationship is good otherwise then invest some time in just you two. Maybe he’s finding the family life very intense as it is a lot to be with someone who’s got children. I think his honesty is admirable and he wants your support and doesn’t want to leave you x

My boyfriend and his son moved in with me and my 3 children. We all drive each other mad sometimes!
Can you get advice from friends ok?
Only the perfect women, who are perfect mothers are on mumsnet, meanwhile in the real world.....

I really feel for you! I think it sounds like there's a lot of love there and you should just say to him what you've said to us - that maybe he shouldn't have parental responsibility just go back to being girlfriend and boyfriend, go on dates again, etc. Lockdown would've done anyone in plus meeting and moving in so quick with all that comes with family life. I think you two could really get things back on track and he'd feel respected for you suggesting this.

Too much, too soon! He does not want to be a step parent. LISTEN to him. No more move in or spend the nights when the kids are around.

If he’s not a family man then how will it work long term? Move him out and never move in again? It’s your poor kids I feel sorry for

He's obviously never tried the family life and thought it would work for him, it obviously hasn't and its not the future lifestyle he wants going forward long term so has done the right thing in letting you know and unfortunately it won't change when there are children involved, by all means you can live separately but after a few years you might want to move in together again and will just have the same problems. Does he enjoy family days out doing kids things? Or is he just doing them to please you, he might secretly hate it and now realised he can't keep up the act.

Moving in when one of you has a child/ren is really hard. I thought we moved quickly doing it after a year.

Why is he parenting your children? In an emergency he may need to step in, but he shouldn’t be carrying out day to day parenting tasks. My husband has lived here for over a year now, he doesn’t parent my son as he isn’t his Dad. I was very very observant for the first few weeks until we established a new routine, if there had been anything I disliked he would have moved out straight away.

But it's very difficult to live with very small children and not do any parenting. Even if you went to stay with a friend who had small children you'd end up doing certain things for them - you can't really expect someone to just sit there and do nothing when a child needs something.

I don't see the point in either of you continuing the relationship, OP. You want someone who's going to throw himself into family life. He wants to lead an adult-only life. Your lifestyles are completely incompatible. He was wrong to move in - he should have taken your children's vulnerabilities on board and not moved in.

Moving a very new boyfriend in and expecting him to play daddy/step father role with pickups etc was never going to go well.
It seems selfish and irresponsible.
You read it on here all the time, I really don’t understand why people are so desperate to move new partners in with them and their kids when it has such potential to blow up.