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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Moved in with the Girlfriend and she's changed

36 replies

shou · 03/06/2021 22:44

Dear members of the forum,
I've been reading the forum for some time but not posted for a while and I've also lost my login details.
I need some help especially from a female perspective.

I've recently moved in with my girlfriend and bought a house together after being together for over 3 years. We purchased it in agreement that I'd own 15% of the house based on the deposit but we'd share the bills, etc...

But within 2 weeks of moving in she says she now wants to buy my share and wants to own the house fully. Interestingly I thought we were ok relationship why and we didn't need to. But she persisted that if I don't do it her parents would see that I am poor and would not approve. They already do not approve because they think I am black, but I just am from africa but not black...I'm just indian descendant.
...anyway now she said that.
slowly after moving she criticised the way i clean is not thorough and good enough. Even though i spent 1hr30 to scrub off the calc in the bath tub, apparently it was not good enough. I've had loads of mini comments like so throughout living together. I brushed it off but it is getting a bit too much recently where even the dishes are not done properly or I'm not helping, even after we agreed what I should be cleaning. She couldn't wait more than 10min for me to brush my teeth on Sunday and she already started cleaning my part of the the chores.
She keeps having a go that I only cleaned the house once since we moved in.

But I don't only clean, as I finish working early I cooked dinner from Monday to Saturday while she finishes work. She then watches her ipad and then eats dinner, and I do the dishes regardless of who cooks because I apparently don't know how to clean the house.

But what hit it in the nail for me is that she does not let me buy and put my own desk. She told me that she doesn't like me using the dinning table as a work station and I should just go to work.
all the furniture in the house is mine, and she claimed my old desk and chair.
I bought a shredder for my work and document, and she had a fit as to why I bought this and I didn't need it, and there is no space for it.
I tried to buy a bookshelf, gardening box, etc... and I ended up being told off.

Yesterday she ask me I should pay an extra £100/month as she is going to increase the mortgage to 2200. I told her I don't see why I should do that if I'm not going to own the flat, unless you're going to pay me more than the 15% I invested. She said I should be glad that it is £1000 as a smaller flat where we live is around £1200/month. I was shocked at this. Even though the mortgage is jointly owned, and legally I still own the property I was already being messed about and being treated as a tenant.

What can I do?
I don't want to be in a relationship or live in a house where I can only use half of my own bed, my own couch and part of wardrobe. She has taken over practically all the space in the flat with her things and the way she wants it to be.
Are there anything legal I can do to protect myself?
Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
DoesSheDoesntShe · 03/06/2021 22:51

Did you pay 15% deposit?
If so, maybe you should sell up and reclaim your money (and furniture) back.
You don’t sound happy in the relationship so it might nit be good to stay long term.
It doesn’t sound a very fair or happy arrangement.

RuddyHellItsSoftCell · 03/06/2021 22:53

I think if you can afford the rent on your own place then move out and enjoy it. This doesn’t sound fun for you. Sometimes living together is make or break and I wouldn’t like living somewhere the way you describe it.

shou · 03/06/2021 22:56

thanks I have been thinking about this. not sure who to talk to on breaking this mortgage up.

OP posts:
shou · 03/06/2021 22:57

weirdly enough we've lived together for months before and it was fine, its just when we got a place together she's acting up like this. she needs it her way

OP posts:
sunnyzweibrucken · 03/06/2021 22:57

Give her the rest of what you owe her for the house and get out of there.

Umberellatheweatha · 03/06/2021 22:58

Well she sounds like a bit of a dick really, just based on your side of things at least. But one way or another, you arent happy together. Sell up the house and both of you move out. Call it a day. Because it is only going to get worse from here on in if you stay together.

PaniniHead · 03/06/2021 23:01

Why did you sign anything to say you only own 15%? Surely if you sell them you take out what you put in to the deposit and then the equity is split 50/50?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/06/2021 23:02

Let her buy you out then move out and take all your stuff with you!

shou · 03/06/2021 23:03

planning to in the next few weeks.

OP posts:
shou · 03/06/2021 23:03

I'm speaking to the solicitor now.

OP posts:
messeduphair · 03/06/2021 23:04

Are you actually on the deeds? Being on the mortgage is not enough.

shou · 03/06/2021 23:08

yes

OP posts:
coronaway · 03/06/2021 23:52

I struggle to believe red flags weren't present before you moved in together. I'm not sure what you're getting out of this relationship so would end it asap with the advice of your solicitor.

shou · 05/06/2021 18:24

there were no redflags that i could think of at the beginning. we've been together for 3 years but no issues .

OP posts:
Richard2478 · 05/06/2021 22:44

bait and switch.

Sampafie · 05/06/2021 22:51

Would she have been able to buy the house without you on the mortgage? Sounds like she used you to get what she wanted (owning the house outright)
Also regarding her parents, such racists never change. If you have children with that woman would you be comfortable with your kids going to racist grandparents? Imagine how theY would look at them and speak of them. Its not worth it.

Cimone · 06/06/2021 02:28

Before you agree to anything, sign anything, or move out see an attorney. You will have to pay for it, but you can get very clear on what your rights are as part owner of the house. This should have been your first move the SECOND she started acting stupid. Lock her down with legal papers until you can get out of there with your money. Then end this tragic relationship with a silly devious woman.

SpaceRaiders · 06/06/2021 02:51

Sounds like Op is not married and in the UK @Cimone

Op, Have you sat down and spoken to her about how her actions make you feel?

This should be fairly straightforward. Either she buys you out or you buy her out. If neither of you can afford the mortgage alone, you’ll have no option but to sell up. It may mean you end up loosing some money to untangle yourself but that’s a small price to pay.

AmberIsACertainty · 06/06/2021 03:01

@sunnyzweibrucken

Give her the rest of what you owe her for the house and get out of there.
Where has this come from? OP doesn't owe girlfriend anything. If OP wants to leave the relationship either flat needs to be sold or girlfriend needs to buy OP out.

OP I would let her buy you out and you find somewhere else to live. Then hire a removals van and take your furniture while she's out of the flat at work (because she seems untrustworthy and likely to cause hassle about you taking your own things). Then when you're safely away from the situation tell her you're breaking up with her.

She wants all the power in the relationship and is behaving unreasonably, trying to control you. Don't waste your energy trying to work out why she's doing it. "Why" doesn't matter, what matters is she's treating you unfairly and once she has all the power by owning all the flat she might become abusive.

You shouldn't be paying 50% of the mortgage when you only own 15% of the flat anyway. Or telling you what you can and can't buy with your own money, that's financial abuse as it is.

The thing about her parents finding out you're poor is ridiculous. They're not going to find out anything unless she tells them. It doesn't even matter if you're poor! It's not a crime to be poor.

You don't need her parents approval either. Either she wants to be in a relationship with you or she doesn't, her parents opinion doesn't come into it.

AmberIsACertainty · 06/06/2021 03:06

If you're in the UK you need to see a solicitor to organise her buying you out and transferring the mortgage into solely her name. Don't make any sort of informal arrangements over this because she will end up not paying you and you'll lose your 15% equity in the flat if you sign it I over to her without it all being organized through official channels. You'll also still be liable for paying the mortgage if you don't get your name removed from it.

BlueButtercups · 06/06/2021 03:13

Good luck OP 🌸

HeronLanyon · 06/06/2021 05:01

‘I’m not black I’m just Indian’ you completely lost me at this.
Good luck - I suspect you need it.

BlueButtercups · 06/06/2021 16:14

@HeronLanyon

‘I’m not black I’m just Indian’ you completely lost me at this. Good luck - I suspect you need it.

So he's not allowed to clarify his racial identity?

funnylittlefloozie · 06/06/2021 16:28

Is she Indian by any chance?

Haffiana · 06/06/2021 16:58

@HeronLanyon

‘I’m not black I’m just Indian’ you completely lost me at this. Good luck - I suspect you need it.
That says more about you than the OP.
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