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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Pregnant girlfriend says she does not want to be with me romatically anymore.

29 replies

ArsenalPride1 · 03/06/2021 17:07

So i met this awesome woman online. We chatted and clicked and met. It was a distant relationship that recently started. I live in Manhattan, New York, she is in the airforce in a small town in Texas. We fell in love and we were almost inseperable whenever we visit eachother. Out of the blue she got pregnant, it came as a shock to me, not that i am not the father i do know for a fact we had unprotected sex many times and she told me she recently stopped using birth control pills. I was just shocked cause i am 34 years old and have dated a lot of women in my lifetime and i have never impregnated a woman before because i have use protections. Moreover, i wasn't planning on a child yet. But i accepted my fate,i really love this woman, she is just different. i told my parents and they were very happy for me, her parents felt the same way. We continued our love and We were even talking about engagement and marriage. at 8 weeks of pregnancy she told me i need to move in with her in Texas latest July, so i can adapt, i told her i understand but i just can't move in that fast, i have to make arrangements and all. I need to look for a new job, i live in Manhattan, New York with a lease that last till November, i mean i can't just move into Texas with no job and continue paying $2,000 rent for my place for the next 5 months ($10,000 in total) without a job. She lives in a small town where jobs opportunities are not that many, especially in this period the nation is just recovering from COVID. I told her i will visit like once or twice every month until the baby is born in November and then in December i will move in with her. You know, even if i don't have a job i can always manage with my savings until i find a job. I just want to be a man that brings something substantial to the table. She said she is fine with that. And she was happy with the plan.To cut this long story short, as time goes our chats became dry, she don't want to talk to me sometimes..you know, like read my messages and just reply with one word. She was never like this. Recently she told me she don't want to romantically be with me anymore. She want us to just be coparents to our child. I love this woman, i have been helping financially with the baby stuff and all. I just don't know why she would change. Like the change in attitude was swift, it's as if this is not the same woman who wanted marriage in the first place. I need your HONEST advise guys, i have never been in this situation before, my heart is beginning to be filled with regrets. One thing is certain though. I am going to be there for my child. My parents never left me, i wouldn't do the same to my child.

OP posts:
copperpotsalot · 03/06/2021 17:11

Wow what a shitty card you've been dealt. Seems perhaps this was planned in her part. Although we can't know that from the information given.

Don't make any decisions re moving and in the nicest possible way... this pregnancy is early days.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/06/2021 17:14

Well if you knew she'd stopped taking the pill and you didn't use a condom I can't understand why you'd be so surprised she got pregnant op!

Confused
Temp023 · 03/06/2021 17:18

@CandyLeBonBon

Well if you knew she'd stopped taking the pill and you didn't use a condom I can't understand why you'd be so surprised she got pregnant op!

Confused

Well if only you’d been there at the conception to share this gem of advice, none of this would have happened.

Honestly, if you have nothing useful to add, why add anything at all?

Unanananana · 03/06/2021 17:20

Its laughable that you didn't think she'd get pregnant. 34 years old and you don't understand how that works?? Its not really 'fate', its called biology.

Forget the 'relationship' and work out how you are going to parent. Poor kid.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/06/2021 17:20

This reply has been deleted

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ArsenalPride1 · 03/06/2021 17:23

I mean, i just felt shocked for something i never expected. That was stupid of me, i agree.

OP posts:
ArsenalPride1 · 03/06/2021 17:26

Again, i felt stupid for that reaction. Moving forward we continued as normal and started making plans about settling down. Until recently when she just changed. I feel hurt so much. I have been told about hormones don't know if that is what is going on here.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 03/06/2021 17:26

@ArsenalPride1

I mean, i just felt shocked for something i never expected. That was stupid of me, i agree.
You never expected a woman to get pregnant whist having unprotected sex? Really?
CandyLeBonBon · 03/06/2021 17:27

@ArsenalPride1

Again, i felt stupid for that reaction. Moving forward we continued as normal and started making plans about settling down. Until recently when she just changed. I feel hurt so much. I have been told about hormones don't know if that is what is going on here.
Well the only thing you can do is work out how best to co parent.
quizqueen · 03/06/2021 17:29

I think that baby needs a DNA check when it's born.

copperpotsalot · 03/06/2021 17:39

@quizqueen

I think that baby needs a DNA check when it's born.
Agree
ArsenalPride1 · 03/06/2021 17:44

I asked her about whether the baby isn't mine, she was adamant it is mine and that i was the only person she had sex with and she hadnt had sex in 4 months prior to us meeting. Will it sound rude or inappropriate for me to request a DNA before the baby is born?

OP posts:
IEat · 03/06/2021 17:45

Did you know she wasn’t take contraceptives before you had unprotected sex? Sounds like she knew what she wanted and you were just there for your sperm

CandyLeBonBon · 03/06/2021 17:48

@IEat

Did you know she wasn’t take contraceptives before you had unprotected sex? Sounds like she knew what she wanted and you were just there for your sperm
Op says he knew she wasn't taking the pill snd he wasn't using a condom
ArsenalPride1 · 03/06/2021 17:49

In all honesty she told me. She also told me in her past marriage, when she was 19 she never got pregnant even though they both were looking for a baby. She is 32 now. She is extremely happy she got pregnant, i mean, i am happy too. The sudden rejection is what i don't understand. I have been told it is hormones i should just let her be for a while and that she might come back to her senses.

OP posts:
Hallyup6 · 03/06/2021 17:51

No words, apart from poor kid.

CirqueDeMorgue · 03/06/2021 17:52

This reply has been deleted

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AgeLikeWine · 03/06/2021 17:53

You are being way too trusting in taking her word for the fact that you are the father. You have no way of knowing if she was having unprotected sex with other men at the same time as she was in a distance relationship with you.

Wait until the baby is born, and then insist on having a DNA test before having any further contact with her or the baby.

You have already been naive once, don’t make the same mistake twice.

ArsenalPride1 · 03/06/2021 17:56

Well, that is why i am here. I am never seek online help or anything before. This situation has got me losing appetite, i can't eat. I can't focus on work. I take full responsibility for putting myself in this mess.

OP posts:
ArsenalPride1 · 03/06/2021 17:56

Thank you, I think this is what i should do.

OP posts:
Graphista · 03/06/2021 18:04

Why on EARTH was the sex unprotected?!

I think you need a dna test when it's safe to do so and full sti screening NOW

Other than that assuming the child is yours you need to negotiate a co-parenting situation and to pay child support

Lesson learned? Not to have unsafe sex?

ArsenalPride1 · 03/06/2021 18:13

Lesson well learned.

OP posts:
Unanananana · 03/06/2021 18:21

Lesson well learned apparently not in school but now there is an innocent child in the mix. Get a DNA test and parent as best you can from a distance. Its probably not hormones, its probably the visiting once or twice a month thats pissed her off. Disney Dad in the making if the kid is yours.

ArsenalPride1 · 03/06/2021 18:25

Well, if the kid is mine, i am not going to be a Disney Dad. If she doesn't love me no more, i will move close to where she lives, Dallas probably and make sure i fulfill my full parental obligations.

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 03/06/2021 18:44

This all sounds very familiar ( to a few old threads).

  1. Don’t send her any money.
  2. Get a DNA test ASAP after the baby is born.
  3. Prepare yourself for there not to be a baby in the end.
  4. Seek legal advice once baby is born.
  5. DON’T move to Texas. She could very easily get “transferred” if you do.

Personally, I think you’ve been taken for a mug or you’ve taking us for mug.
Good luck to you.