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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unequal partnership

49 replies

1BushyTail1 · 03/06/2021 15:12

I work full time, partner is stay at home parent for the children on weekends and holidays he doesn't claim benefits or work. I'm struggling to make ends meet with one sole wage for a family of 4. He knows this he will look for jobs for a week then give up. I'm also frustrated at the state of the house when I've finished work most days he won't lift a finger, 2 random days of the week he will wash up and wash the clothes but that's as far as he gets. I'm fed up and drained he claims he will do more but everything goes to the same old crap after a few weeks. I've attempted to split up with him numerous times but he guilt trips me as he has absolutely nothing no friends or family let alone not a single penny to his name. But I cannot live like this our debts have built over the covid pandemic and I cannot pay it off as quickly as them racking up. I have no idea what to do. Honestly I stay with him out of guilt, he knows i want out but he overshadows me by saying I will make yih happy again, things will change and get better, or just give it time to get a job. He thinks I am being unreasonable when I ask him to leave, he doesn't want a broken family children can't live like that for the sake of a rough patch. I just don't know anymore

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 03/06/2021 15:29

File for divorce and start looking for new accommodation. He'll never change. You'll get tax credits, probably be better off.

tinysundancer · 03/06/2021 15:35

You would be much better off mentally and financially on your own. What positive things does he actually bring to your life?
You are effectively a single parent anyway - you are just carrying a lazy selfish man on your back - he should be wanting to provide for his family - he is not even proving his worth as a house husband
Get rid

cindarellasbelly · 03/06/2021 15:37

The main thing to be concerned about OP is a situation where you split, he claims he's a full-time carer for the children and goes for custody and you end up paying him maintenance. So I'd be careful about that, but otherwise, it is not good for your children to be seeing that relationship as an example, you must be incredibly stressed and exhausted and they'll do so much better having a calmer happier mum. Assuming there's no reason why he can't get a job then its not your responsibility you might find with no other option he steps up, but he's not your burden.

Original poster
1BushyTail1 · 03/06/2021 15:39

I've looked for a new place it's the deposit and rent upfront that I just cannot afford as well as the getting by for that month also

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2021 15:40

Where are they during the day, childcare or school?

You’re not married so just kick him out. He’s dragging you down, costing you money and being a selfish twat.

You know it’s over, stop fighting and just call time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2021 15:40

Talk to the council. They can help with deposits.

What else do you practically need to do in order to leave?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/06/2021 15:42

How old are the children?

Original poster
1BushyTail1 · 03/06/2021 15:42

He feels like my burden though. And I don't think he would claim as a full time carer. I'm not taking parenthood away from him he will still be part of their lives

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2021 15:43

Have you looked into whether you're getting all the benefit help you're entitled to? How old are the kids?

Who gets the CB?

Are you racking up debt because you need more than you earn or because he's spending like crazy on stuff you don't need?

Original poster
1BushyTail1 · 03/06/2021 15:43

3 year old is in nursery and 6 year old is in school. He has the weekends and school holidays

OP posts:
Original poster
1BushyTail1 · 03/06/2021 15:46

I receive the CB. He doesn't want us to claim anything g as they would force him on JSA or UC

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2021 15:46

How much are you paying for nursery? I'd be stopping that for a start given he's home

Original poster
1BushyTail1 · 03/06/2021 15:47

When I was off on furlough I earned a lot less as i was paid contracted not overtime hours. Couldn't afford some of the bills and now playing catch up with them all

OP posts:
Original poster
1BushyTail1 · 03/06/2021 15:48

Youngest receives 15 hrs free childcare soon goes up to 30

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/06/2021 15:48

@1BushyTail1

3 year old is in nursery and 6 year old is in school. He has the weekends and school holidays
Not sure I understand this. Presumably he has them from 2 or 3pm depending on timings.
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2021 15:49

If he’s not earning and you’re paying all the current rent why couldn’t you pay rent on somewhere else?

Or is it just the deposit? Do you have access to any credit you could use? I know you’re already in debt but worth considering. Are the debts solely in your name or joint?

tinysundancer · 03/06/2021 15:50

He feels like my burden though.

He is not a child and if you feel your partner is a burden then that is not a healthy or good relationship. You should be working in life and parenting as partners - not as a burden. Don't know how you can keep a cool head walking into this environment after a hard days work - think I would explode like a volcano

Original poster
1BushyTail1 · 03/06/2021 15:51

Yes youngest he has from 1pm and oldest from 3 30pm. I am home for 4

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 03/06/2021 15:51

Oh get this waste of space out of the house. Ask Citizens' Advice for help or speak to people on here. Have you seen the Entitled To calculator? Enter your details into that and see what tax credits you're entitled to. You poor thing, living with a twat like that.

Original poster
1BushyTail1 · 03/06/2021 15:53

The deposit I'm stuck on. The debt is from household bills. I don't have access to credit cards

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/06/2021 15:53

What are your children learning about relationships here from the two of you?.

What are you feeling guilty about re him; the fact he has no family or friends?. Are you codependent in relationships; I would read further about this and see how much relates to your own behaviour.

You absolutely need to get over your misplaced feelings of guilt because he is using that to get you over a barrel. It is not your fault that he has potentially nowhere to go if he leaves but that is not your problem ultimately. This man is dragging you and in turn your children down with him.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2021 15:54

Ok if he's doing drop off at 9 and pick up at 1 five days a week there's limited hljobs available but then he needs to be working around you instead. If he'd rather see your family slide into massive debt than pick up some weekend shifts, you're all better off without him

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 03/06/2021 15:55

"I've looked for a new place it's the deposit and rent upfront that I just cannot afford as well as the getting by for that month also"

Can you ask your family for help. I'm quite sure they wouldn't want you to be in this position.

Original poster
1BushyTail1 · 03/06/2021 15:55

If I come home ranting and raving about the mess he gets angry too and then he says things he doesn't mean. I've sucked it up to avoid that

OP posts:
Original poster
1BushyTail1 · 03/06/2021 15:56

I have told him all of this though he knows how i feel

OP posts: