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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s still texting his ex

48 replies

Bloodymen201 · 02/06/2021 22:59

So me and my boyfriend have been together since October last year. We hit it off straight away, fell head over heels. He told me he had never felt this way before... I am so in love. I thought he was too.

Anyway he thought I was asleep cuddling him, and I can see he checked his exes WhatsApp picture, noticed it’s a man. He messaged her asking who it was. She replied back saying it’s her friend, he asked if that’s who she stays with in the city. She said something like is this relevant, then he just straight up asked if she was seeing someone.

Sad

Why would he care? He went downstairs to make a drink, I’m in the bathroom now crying. I don’t know how to approach this, I know he’s going to downplay it. But we’ve been so happy, I would of never known he still had feelings for his ex. I don’t even want to see his face right now. Ugh

OP posts:
LemonTT · 02/06/2021 23:09

I think if you were asleep, cuddling and reading his messages then you suspected something and we’re not as happy as you claim.

Obvious explanation is he is not over his feelings for her and the thing they had. If you hadn’t already suspected that you wouldn’t have continued to read his conversation with her. Instead you would have told him to switch the screen off which was presumably right in your face.

BrilliantBetty · 02/06/2021 23:10

Don't say anything for now.

Whosaidcake · 02/06/2021 23:12
  1. when didn't they split up?
  2. how long were they together for?
  3. why did they split up?
seensome · 02/06/2021 23:51

only good reason for asking is if they have children and he wondering if she has a new partner around the children if not then still involved with her or he still has strong enough feelings to care, sounds like his ex does have a bf but doesn't want to admit it to him. Confused

GreenClock · 03/06/2021 00:05

She may have changed her profile pic to grab his attention. If so, it worked. Which is a worry.

Or maybe she’s just happy with a new chap and is no longer interested in your boyfriend. In which case, why the mysterious answer?

Sounds like unfinished business either way. I think you should talk to him when you feel more composed. Good luck.

sunnyzweibrucken · 03/06/2021 00:26

I hate to say it but He’s not over her Sad

Original poster
Bloodymen201 · 03/06/2021 01:09

They spilt up 3 months before I met him. When I met him he said he stayed with her for too long. He wasn’t in love with her but didn’t want to hurt her. So for him to seemingly still not be over her

OP posts:
RLEOM · 03/06/2021 01:16

He obviously wasn't ready for a relationship as he's definitely not over her. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Flowers

Lovelydiscusfish · 03/06/2021 01:24

Try and calm down now, if you can. I’ve been around the block a bit (to put it mildly) and him having issues about his ex doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t have feelings for you. So just calm down and think for a second.

Original poster
Bloodymen201 · 03/06/2021 01:25

I don’t doubt he has feelings for me. It’s just I think he still has feelings for her. Why else would you care who she’s with and who she is seeing? Especially when you’re with me

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 03/06/2021 01:29

Fair point. So what are you gonna do? Can you tolerate his residual feelings for her, or not?

RLEOM · 03/06/2021 01:34

The fact he's pestering her for clarity on her dating status suggests to me that she's still very much on his mind. Most people would see a picture of their ex with someone new and leave it there, even if they're heartbroken over it.

I don't think this is going to end well. What's your gut telling you?

Duckypoohs · 03/06/2021 01:44

Typical fucking man, monkey branching from one to the next. He may not even love her, just hurts his ego if she gets with someone else. He probably does though, just ask him, undoubtedly you will know by his answer, even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. Any gaslighting and gtfo.

Sooodone · 03/06/2021 01:47

Different perspective on this….when I broke up with one particular ex he really struggled, I used to message from time to time to catch up and to check he was ok. When his profile pic changed I did actually message to ask if it was his girlfriend….I was genuinely happy he’d found someone else, and also relieved he was doing ok. Just because you aren’t in a relationship with someone it doesn’t mean you stop caring. If everything else in your relationship is good, there could be an innocent explanation for this.

Original poster
Bloodymen201 · 03/06/2021 08:04

Hmmm this is true. He’s gone to work now. I’ll just have to talk to him when he’s home. I personally think it’s his ego

OP posts:
nancywhitehead · 03/06/2021 08:17

@Bloodymen201

I don’t doubt he has feelings for me. It’s just I think he still has feelings for her. Why else would you care who she’s with and who she is seeing? Especially when you’re with me
Relationships are complicated. She was his girlfriend less than a year ago so it's not really surprising he is interested in how she's doing. How long were they together? Was it serious? If so that makes it even more likely that he would care.

"I don't doubt he has feelings for me. It's just I think he still has feelings for her." - well maybe he does. What do you want to do about it, if anything? Like you say - you don't doubt he has feelings for you.

It's not always easy to just switch off feelings for one person completely, even if you no longer want to be in a relationship with them. Often there is a curiosity about their new life situation and what's going on for them now. It's natural and feelings/relationships don't really play by our rules of neat boxes. It doesn't necessarily mean that he hasn't left her behind (although, of course, it might).

My advice would be to have a direct conversation with him. If you are going to be in a relationship with someone then you need to learn to communicate about difficult subjects. Just tell him that you were awake and you saw him messaging her and you would like him to try to be open with you about his feelings, so that you know where you stand. Tell him it's OK if he has some residual feelings (if it is OK with you, obv), because that's natural, but you need to know he's committed to you now. He will only talk to you about it if he feels secure and not threatened.

There's a chance that he's not quite "over her" but still wants to be with you, and if that's the case then you just need to decide what you want to do with that.

LemonTT · 03/06/2021 13:34

You absolutely do doubt his feelings for you. That’s why you read a private message, got extremely upset and are posting about it on social media.

People newly in love don’t care about other people, even their ex’s. Infatuation sees to that. Taking an interest or looking them for old times sake is different from the way he behaved.

He’s not over her or their relationship. Not many people are 3 months after a split. But they aren’t going to admit that to their new love interest. I doubt he told you the truth about that.

Original poster
Bloodymen201 · 04/06/2021 14:36

So I had a conversation with him. He said he feels weird about her being with another guy. He loves me but does feel jealous about her with another man....

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 04/06/2021 21:19

Oh my lovely, you are the rebound.

Your choices here are to end it now or to hang on in there tol he is healed from their relatuonship - when chaces are, he will dump you.

You are his band-aid - that's what rebound relationships are. You either last as long as it takes him to heal, or as long as it takes you to see what you are.

BlueButtercups · 04/06/2021 21:25

@ChristmasFluff

Oh my lovely, you are the rebound.

Your choices here are to end it now or to hang on in there tol he is healed from their relatuonship - when chaces are, he will dump you.

You are his band-aid - that's what rebound relationships are. You either last as long as it takes him to heal, or as long as it takes you to see what you are.

totally ..

sorry OP 🌸

Original poster
Bloodymen201 · 04/06/2021 21:33

Thank you so much for your advice everyone Sad

It sounds so silly but he told me they weren’t serious, so I never thought he had anything to get over. To see those messages just put me in a spin because if they weren’t serious why does he care

OP posts:
BlueButtercups · 04/06/2021 21:36

@Bloodymen201

Thank you so much for your advice everyone Sad

It sounds so silly but he told me they weren’t serious, so I never thought he had anything to get over. To see those messages just put me in a spin because if they weren’t serious why does he care

because he LIED and continues to Lie 🌸

Original poster
Bloodymen201 · 04/06/2021 21:41

I know he lied. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to get my head around. I suppose because up until the other day we were so happy and wrapped up in each other

OP posts:
Aprilx · 04/06/2021 21:55

@Bloodymen201

So I had a conversation with him. He said he feels weird about her being with another guy. He loves me but does feel jealous about her with another man....
There is no good explanation for that. He is either still in love with her or, perhaps more worryingly, he thinks nobody else should be with her, whether he is or not.

I suspect it is the first though, you maybe met him at the wrong time when he wasn’t ready for somebody new.

BlueButtercups · 04/06/2021 21:56

@Bloodymen201

I know he lied. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to get my head around. I suppose because up until the other day we were so happy and wrapped up in each other

or so you THOUGHT 🤔