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Original poster

Introducing new partner

47 replies

Mky9 · 02/06/2021 20:41

Looking for a womans perspective here if its OK.
I have a 10 year old daughter, I've been split with her mum for about 8 years (quite a rocky relationship but she never stops access) I see her all the time and we have a wonderful relationship, we really are best friends.
I've stayed single for all that time as I never felt ready to bring someone into my daughters life.
This changed about 9 months ago and I've met someone wonderful who I see my long term future with. I waited quite a few months before I told my daughter and then a few more weeks before they met. We met 4 times once a week for very brief walks in the park and things went very well.
After the last meeting I got very nasty texts from the ex saying she's stopping access as this is upsetting my daughter (not the impression I got at all) Me, my daughter and the ex sat down and had a talk, we agreed that my daughter wouldn't have any contact with my new partner for a while. This has been 2 months now and my partner is getting frustrated, we want to move things forward. I know my ex is getting into my daughters head from comments she's made (she basically told me this morning)

At this point now do I.....
Tell my daughter she has to accept us?
Do I ask her mum to stop poisoning her mind?(this won't end well)
Do I wait till my daughter asks to see my new partner?

Me and my partner have never so much as had a crossed word in all the time we've been together apart from this issue. I really do believe I've handled them meeting the right way and genuinely worried we will split up over this.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, cheers.

OP posts:
anunexaminedlife · 02/06/2021 21:59

There's not much point appealing to your exes better nature given her position on this so far. If I were you I would be inclined to set my position out to my daughter now rather than set myself up to being held over a barrel by her/dictated to by her in future situations, if she learns from mum to just threaten not to see you any more if anything ever happens that she doesn't like.

Sunflower1970 · 02/06/2021 23:25

I think I would sit your daughter down and tell her that you love her to bits and she is and always will be your number one priority. Then I would move on to the fact that you have met someone after being lonely for years and you would love it if her and your girlfriend became friends. I know it’s frustrating ( I’m a stepmum and came into a relationship with a widower with an 8 year old at the time). His son hated me as he felt I was threatening his position with his dad and he was jealous. It took time and patience and biting my tongue but it will pay off. You’ve got to play it in such a way that you will not be controlled by her but handle it as sensitively as possible and that includes your girlfriend

Checkingout811 · 02/06/2021 23:27

What did your daughter say during the meeting with both you and mum?

What has she said that makes you think this has come from her mum?

I would tread very carefully if your daughter is expressing she doesn’t want to see her.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/06/2021 23:47

Surely you would just keep dating life separate, it’s not been long and your daughter doesn’t have to want to meet her or be involved in your dating life if she doesn’t want too.

SunbeamsAndMoonbeams · 03/06/2021 08:19

Why is your partner becoming frustrated?

I get that its frustrating if you feel your ex is manipulating things but your daughter doesn't need a relationship with your girlfriend and your girlfriend has no right to expect or demand it.

I was older when my parents split up. My dad made sure he spent time with us on his own and we only saw his new partner once a month or so. My mother, on the other hand, insisted that she and every new boyfriend she had, came as a package and, if we didn't accept him, she wouldn't see us either.

It wouldn't take a genius to work out which approach was better!

If you were meeting your daughter with your new girlfriend once a week, how much time were you spending with your daughter alone?

Original poster
Mky9 · 03/06/2021 08:34

@SunbeamsAndMoonbeams

Why is your partner becoming frustrated?

I get that its frustrating if you feel your ex is manipulating things but your daughter doesn't need a relationship with your girlfriend and your girlfriend has no right to expect or demand it.

I was older when my parents split up. My dad made sure he spent time with us on his own and we only saw his new partner once a month or so. My mother, on the other hand, insisted that she and every new boyfriend she had, came as a package and, if we didn't accept him, she wouldn't see us either.

It wouldn't take a genius to work out which approach was better!

If you were meeting your daughter with your new girlfriend once a week, how much time were you spending with your daughter alone?

My partner is frustrated as I've met her child and had no issues, I've been welcomed into her home and fully accepted. I see my daughter most days for a few hours after school and 1 overnight stay at the weekend, the visits with my partner was a very brief meeting, 45 mins max. We have lots of dad daughter time.
OP posts:
Original poster
Mky9 · 03/06/2021 08:36

@Checkingout811

What did your daughter say during the meeting with both you and mum?

What has she said that makes you think this has come from her mum?

I would tread very carefully if your daughter is expressing she doesn’t want to see her.

She said she was happy to try again with my new partner but was scared mum would make her change her mind.
OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 03/06/2021 08:42

Me, my daughter and the ex sat down and had a talk, we agreed that my daughter wouldn't have any contact with my new partner for a while
So you agreed at the time that your DD was indeed upset or not ready and you were wrong with your impression. What were the reasons she brought up?

Don't start assuming that your daughter's feelings are just an extension of her mother's own because you don't want to accept that your DD might indeed be unsettled.

What were her reasons? Ultimately, that all what it comes down to. Work through these reasons, take it easy and listen to your DD whilst remaining a parent and not making her rule the roost.

gamerchick · 03/06/2021 08:42

Unfortunately there's nothing much you can do other than keep your dating life and your parent life seperate for now.

The problem you have is with your ex. Why doesn't she want you to move on? I'd be asking me. Put that shit to bed.

vivainsomnia · 03/06/2021 08:49

She said she was happy to try again with my new partner but was scared mum would make her change her mind
She said that in front of her mum? I expect what that means is that she expressed some worries and feeling unsettled. What her mum has said to her was that she didn't have to force herself to see your partner if it made her very unhappy.

Ultimately, it comes down to 3 things:

  • She is upset about the changes that you having a partner will bring to her life. In this instance, you need to spend more time with her reassuring her so that when she meets your partner again, she doesn't feel frightened and see her as the enemy
  • Your partner did/say/acted in a way that was intimidating to her but you couldn't see it. If so, you need to make sure she opens up and feel comfortable talking to you about it. You need to understand why she felt that way
  • She is a madam, controlling and playing the victim because she doesn't have you wrapped up around her finger any longer. If that's the case, you also need to trade carefully and provide her with reassurance but be firmer that ultimately, you are going to take things forward with your partner whether she likes it or not.
Whitney168 · 03/06/2021 08:55

@vivainsomnia

She said she was happy to try again with my new partner but was scared mum would make her change her mind She said that in front of her mum? I expect what that means is that she expressed some worries and feeling unsettled. What her mum has said to her was that she didn't have to force herself to see your partner if it made her very unhappy.

Ultimately, it comes down to 3 things:

  • She is upset about the changes that you having a partner will bring to her life. In this instance, you need to spend more time with her reassuring her so that when she meets your partner again, she doesn't feel frightened and see her as the enemy
  • Your partner did/say/acted in a way that was intimidating to her but you couldn't see it. If so, you need to make sure she opens up and feel comfortable talking to you about it. You need to understand why she felt that way
  • She is a madam, controlling and playing the victim because she doesn't have you wrapped up around her finger any longer. If that's the case, you also need to trade carefully and provide her with reassurance but be firmer that ultimately, you are going to take things forward with your partner whether she likes it or not.
Or she's perfectly happy with your new partner, but your ex has flipped her lid and the poor child is just trying to keep the peace?
Feelinghothothottoday · 03/06/2021 09:01

I’ve been through this with two now teen boys. Please don’t try to play happy families. Continue to see your daughter on her own for say 6 months. Then try again. What is the rush? Your daughter clearly feels vulnerable and you need to put her first. Your partner, if they are decent and kind, will understand.

Original poster
Mky9 · 03/06/2021 09:34

Unfortunately I really do believe this is the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mky9 · 03/06/2021 09:36

Unfortunately I really do believe this is the case

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 03/06/2021 09:42

I'd just bite the bullet and introduce them. If her mum stops contact then chances are she will soon feel like the bad guy and allow it again. Also, you cant let someone bully you into not doing something with threats. Or let your daughter see that sort of behaviour as acceptable.

Just sit your kid down and say you love her and she will always be your number one priority but you would like her to meet someone else you love. And that her mother is entitled to her own opinion but it does not mean everyone has to agree with it.

SengaMac · 03/06/2021 09:45

She said she was happy to try again with my new partner but was scared mum would make her change her mind.

Don't make your daughter have to deal with this dilemma.
She knows you have a partner but she doesn't have to be friends with her at the moment.
I guess you and the partner want to be living together and you need your DD & your ex to be okay with this.
Well, they aren't so you need to change your plans.

Pissoi · 03/06/2021 09:52

Why the rush?! I waited 3 years to introduce my child to my now husband, I don't understand this need to mix dating and family after 6/12 months like I see here on MN and in RL, its nearly always a disaster. Just see your girlfriend when you don't have your daughter?!

ConfusedSecondTimer · 03/06/2021 11:16

I can sympathise with your partner’s feelings on this having been in a similar situation with my own DP and his ex and DD. They also had been separated for many years but had remained close and single and although this was all intentioned to be in the best interests of their DD it effectively meant none of them moved on emotionally.

We’ve had to be slow, considerate and firm in terms of me being introduced to his family life and it has not been without drama. My advice is to set some boundaries and be clear that your DC will always come first but that does not mean that no one should ever move on with their lives and new relationships and your partner deserves some respect here too. Don’t give into whims and tantrums, but do be considerate and patient to all involved.

vivainsomnia · 03/06/2021 13:22

Unfortunately I really do believe this is the case
That your ex is coercing her to say that she doesn't want to have anything to do with her? That she threatened her so much, she recited what her mum told her to say when you met up?

If that's the case, why did you agree to give it longer then? Your daughter is 10, not 5 yo. Surely she would be questioning why her mum is insisting she tells you she wants nothing to do with your partner.

Why are you not clarifying what was said when the three of you met up, because ultimately, it comes down to what was said at that time.

Original poster
Mky9 · 03/06/2021 13:39

No this is what she told me the other day, not when we all met

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 03/06/2021 17:49

I would like to echo a previous poster; why should you daughter spend time with your girlfriend just yet? Things could be separate for some time yet surely?

What sort of get togethers are you thinking of? What would you like to happen?

I find it hard to understand where and when you see your daughter currently.

excelledyourself · 03/06/2021 18:00

Leave it for now, OP.

I see absolutely no reason for your partner getting frustrated. Your kid only stays with you one night. That's one night you can't see your partner. Not sure what else her issue would be, or why she wouldn't be more understanding of the position you're in, instead of making an already difficult situation more so.

That's not to say I agree with your ex in any way.

Bibidy · 03/06/2021 18:05

Tbh I think you made a mistake cutting your new partner out when your ex said what she did, as you've now given her the control and ability to go mad when you introduce your partner again without her 'permission'. It sounds like she's uncomfortable with your daughter being around your new partner and has tried to make it about your daughter in order to stop them spending time together.

Tbh it sounds to me like you were managing things really well, introducing your partner in small doses, and not letting it dominate your time with your daughter. That is the ideal way to introduce someone new. You are not rushing anything.

If I were you I would try again very soon, meet up for a trip to the park or something, just a couple of hours. From what you've said, your daughter is not actually upset about you having a new partner and you can't let your ex dictate your life this way. Chances are she will never agree that your daughter is ready to meet your DP and will try to continue this situation as long as possible, all the while your DP will be getting more and more frustrated and may get the impression that your ex dictates your life, which is not fair.

Give it another go.

kiddo5467 · 03/06/2021 18:09

@Mky9

No this is what she told me the other day, not when we all met
So what did she actually say when you all met then?
sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 03/06/2021 23:02

From the other side of things, I am the ex whose exP introduced our DC to his new partner within months. They don't actively dislike her, but they don't get on with her at all, mostly because they felt pushed into playing happy families far too soon. I tried to raise this (gently) as a concern with exP, who totally denied it was a problem. In fact, it fed completely into the me being the 'psycho ex' narrative, because the DC never feel able to tell him how they feel honestly, because they're scared how he'll react.

I've never been bothered in the slightest that ExP met someone new, but I'm the one dealing with the emotional fallout from the DC, who feel so uncomfortable when they're with ExP & SM, because they aren't listened to. Putting your DD on the spot about YOUR relationship isn't really on.

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