Introducing new partner

[Mky9]

Looking for a womans perspective here if its OK.
I have a 10 year old daughter, I've been split with her mum for about 8 years (quite a rocky relationship but she never stops access) I see her all the time and we have a wonderful relationship, we really are best friends.
I've stayed single for all that time as I never felt ready to bring someone into my daughters life.
This changed about 9 months ago and I've met someone wonderful who I see my long term future with. I waited quite a few months before I told my daughter and then a few more weeks before they met. We met 4 times once a week for very brief walks in the park and things went very well.
After the last meeting I got very nasty texts from the ex saying she's stopping access as this is upsetting my daughter (not the impression I got at all) Me, my daughter and the ex sat down and had a talk, we agreed that my daughter wouldn't have any contact with my new partner for a while. This has been 2 months now and my partner is getting frustrated, we want to move things forward. I know my ex is getting into my daughters head from comments she's made (she basically told me this morning)

At this point now do I.....
Tell my daughter she has to accept us?
Do I ask her mum to stop poisoning her mind?(this won't end well)
Do I wait till my daughter asks to see my new partner?

Me and my partner have never so much as had a crossed word in all the time we've been together apart from this issue. I really do believe I've handled them meeting the right way and genuinely worried we will split up over this.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, cheers.

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea this is exactly my experience too. My DD was really upset about it and would confide in me but clam up in front of her dad and say it was all fine.

She told me she was worried he'd love the new partner more than her but she was worried if she made a fuss and said she didn't like the new partner her dad would 'dump' her in favour of the new partner so she felt she had to pretend to her dad that she was okay with it all

All she needed was a bit of reassurance from her dad that he'd always love her and wasn't about to run off with the new partner etc.
I tried to explain this to him thinking that if he knew how she felt about the situation it would be easier to resolve (which I wanted to do for my DDs sake). She spends quite a lot of time with them so I genuinely wanted them to get on so my DD wasn't spending 1/3rd of her life feeling miserable about her dads partner.

Of course it wasn't that straight forward as I'm a vindictive spiteful ex who was trying to poison my DD against the new partner to get her out of the picture, even at the cost of my own DDs happiness 🙄

@kiddo5467 This is EXACTLY what I've had from my DC too, and from ExP! I genuinely wasn't trying to make things difficult - I was actually quite relieved he'd moved on - but my concern was for the DC. As time's gone on, more & more things have come out from them about ExP & SM, but I know now there's no point trying to say anything because it makes me sound bitter. Plus I know ExP would sit them down and say 'tell me & SM what the problem is', which puts them in such an awkward position. All I can really do is listen to them, and say I understand why they don't like going there. And then deal with the fallout...

kiddo, sadeyedlady - In this case though OP has been split from his ex for 8 years, and has waited several months before introducing his new partner to his daughter. He was doing this gradually with a few brief walks in the park, until his ex sent nasty texts saying she was going to stop access if he continued to do this. He agreed to this condition and has now gone 2 more months without his daughter seeing his new partner at all.

Surely at some point you need to move forward. As you said kiddo, it's all about reassurance and OP sounds like he's very willing to put his daughter's feelings at the forefront of this and make sure it's going at a slow pace.

I honestly would say after 8 years of separation OP is not unreasonable in slowly introducing a new partner.

@Bibidy I agree he's been going about it the right way and everyone deserves to move on etc.

My point was that it's very believable that the DC is struggling and confiding in her mum but not being fully honest with her dad about it. My DD is only 6 but very tuned into her emotions and her biggest worry is always that she hurts other people's feelings by telling them when she's not happy.

My DD got in great with her dads new partner for the first 3-6 months and I was happy she was happy. This was short visits to park etc.
Then after that, as the new partner was becoming more involved and around more often my DD really struggled for 6 months or so. Feeling pushed out, less loved by her dad etc but felt if she said to him he'd be angry with her love her even less. When I finally got to the bottom of this with my DD I tried to explain to my exH and suggested they had some more one on one time etc and he reassured her about how much he loved her, wanted to spend time with her etc.

My exH flew of the handle saying I was interfering and that it was me that had turned DD against the new partner by putting all of these ideas in her head. He also said I was only suggesting he had more 1:1 time with my DD to piss off his new partner.

After flying off the handle it seems he did listen as he had a few big chats with her about how much he loved her and they now go out somewhere together every week just the 2 of them.

My exH now lives with his DP and my DD stays with them 2 nights a week. Again it was a massive adjustment but they worked through it and now she's happy and that's all I want.

All I'm trying to say is that it's easy to blame the mum and accuse her of putting ideas in the DCs head where this may not be the case. She could be giving her mum and dad two completely different stories depending on what she feels comfortable telling each of them

[quote sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea]@kiddo5467 This is EXACTLY what I've had from my DC too, and from ExP! I genuinely wasn't trying to make things difficult - I was actually quite relieved he'd moved on - but my concern was for the DC. As time's gone on, more & more things have come out from them about ExP & SM, but I know now there's no point trying to say anything because it makes me sound bitter. Plus I know ExP would sit them down and say 'tell me & SM what the problem is', which puts them in such an awkward position. All I can really do is listen to them, and say I understand why they don't like going there. And then deal with the fallout...[/quote]
Sounds so similar and it breaks my heart to think of the DCs dealing with such complex emotions and such a young age.

My DD still has phases of saying she doesn't like the new partner then the next week she's the best thing ever! She's generally much happier tho and no longer refusing to go!

Hope it's working out for you too x

Watching with interest. My ex could've written your post. My DC are in no way influenced by me as to whether they meet the new partner, and I've told them it's entirely up to them to proceed when they're ready. Ex however is annoyed that they're not over the moon with excitement about the new partner, and blaming me. What a shock. The new partner is also frustrated by my DC not wanting to hang out with them.

I will always 100% support my DC and how they feel. Their feelings mean far more to me than my ex and their new partner any day.

[quote kiddo5467]@Bibidy I agree he's been going about it the right way and everyone deserves to move on etc.

My point was that it's very believable that the DC is struggling and confiding in her mum but not being fully honest with her dad about it. My DD is only 6 but very tuned into her emotions and her biggest worry is always that she hurts other people's feelings by telling them when she's not happy.

My DD got in great with her dads new partner for the first 3-6 months and I was happy she was happy. This was short visits to park etc.
Then after that, as the new partner was becoming more involved and around more often my DD really struggled for 6 months or so. Feeling pushed out, less loved by her dad etc but felt if she said to him he'd be angry with her love her even less. When I finally got to the bottom of this with my DD I tried to explain to my exH and suggested they had some more one on one time etc and he reassured her about how much he loved her, wanted to spend time with her etc.

My exH flew of the handle saying I was interfering and that it was me that had turned DD against the new partner by putting all of these ideas in her head. He also said I was only suggesting he had more 1:1 time with my DD to piss off his new partner.

After flying off the handle it seems he did listen as he had a few big chats with her about how much he loved her and they now go out somewhere together every week just the 2 of them.

My exH now lives with his DP and my DD stays with them 2 nights a week. Again it was a massive adjustment but they worked through it and now she's happy and that's all I want.

All I'm trying to say is that it's easy to blame the mum and accuse her of putting ideas in the DCs head where this may not be the case. She could be giving her mum and dad two completely different stories depending on what she feels comfortable telling each of them [/quote]
Yes I do agree with you on this, my SS is very similar. He is a people pleaser and would rather suffer in silence than feel like he's upsetting someone, so could completely see him giving different stories to either parent. So I don't think OP should dismiss the concerns out of hand, which in fairness he hasn't.

I just think that, as you said as well, OP has gone about this in completely the best way and has not pushed his new partner on his daughter but has tried to gradually introduce her for short periods of time.

Even if his daughter was genuinely struggling a bit with it, the thing to do is reassurance and still spend plenty of time with her alone so she feels secure, but continue introducing the new partner gradually. Cutting the new partner out completely just prolongs the issue and has the potential to make DD (if it's genuinely coming from her) think that she can control whether her dad has a partner or not.

But quite honestly, the fact that the ex in this scenario has literally threatened to stop access due to OP taking his daughter on a few brief walks with his new partner does give me the impression that the discomfort is actually mum's on this occasion.

@kiddo5467 my DC are much the same - they're constantly trying to please people and often will say one thing to dad to placate then have a meltdown with me. When they ask me to speak to their dad about their feelings I get the rough end of the stick and called all sorts of things. But they struggle to communicate with dad because there's this massive guilt trip put on them of 'daddy was lonely, do you want daddy to be lonely?' And 'doesn't daddy deserve to be happy?' Which is grossly unfair to them.

[quote KurtWilde]@kiddo5467 my DC are much the same - they're constantly trying to please people and often will say one thing to dad to placate then have a meltdown with me. When they ask me to speak to their dad about their feelings I get the rough end of the stick and called all sorts of things. But they struggle to communicate with dad because there's this massive guilt trip put on them of 'daddy was lonely, do you want daddy to be lonely?' And 'doesn't daddy deserve to be happy?' Which is grossly unfair to them. [/quote]
This is identical to my situation!!
My DD is very aware of her emotions and very articulate but it's a mix between her worrying about upsetting her dad mixed with the fact that he's a typical guy (not saying all guys are like this) and not the best at sitting down and discussing his/her emotions.
E.g. if she's upset about something he has a more of a 'suck it up' attitude and thinks she needs to toughen up emotionally (as apparently I baby her by talking about emotions).

When my DD does talk about her emotions he tends to shut it down and says things like, it's just a phase, or it's a lot of change but if we don't give in she'll adapt etc. And my DD has taken this as he doesn't like hearing about her feelings.

One thing that did really help was when she was struggling with the new partner moving in and she wrote him a letter (with my help) about what she was worried about. It really helped to try to make it more positive too, e.g. it makes me happy when we go to the park just the 2 of us, I l like when we have time together etc.

My DD then read this with him and I think that's when the penny dropped that it wasn't coming from me. Before she read it he did promise not to get annoyed and that there was nothing she could say that would hurt his feelings too much

@kiddo5467 yeah that's very much like my ex.

Unfortunately the situation has been made worse by ex moving the new partner in and saying take it or leave it we come as a package now!

If you spend time with your daughter most days then I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you, her and your partner to spend one day a week together for an hour or so.

It’s treading a fine line with not letting your ex control you or your daughter, ensuring your daughter is comfortable and also being a supportive partner.

You only have one overnight with your dd? There's no need for your partner to be involved in that, it's only one night a week.

I'd give it another six months and try again

@copperpotsalot

You only have one overnight with your dd? There's no need for your partner to be involved in that, it's only one night a week.

I'd give it another six months and try again

Umm what about the first part of the sentence where OP says he sees his daughter for a few hours every day?? He didn't even say the time his DP has spend with his daughter has been during his overnight with her, and even if it was it was a few brief walks?

No i wouldn't have even considered overnight stays, i just wanted to carry on with brief meetings then a trip to the cinema further down the line where not much talking is done anyway.
One thing I haven't mentioned is her mum is still hung up on me even though she is now married. It's not unusual to get a drunken text every now and then.

It's very common for kids with divorced parents to tell them what they think the parent wants to hear. I had this problem with my kids too.
I suspect that your dd is doing the same because she doesn't want to anger/disappoint you both.

Whatever you decide to do I certainly would not tell your dd that she has to suck it up (option 1) That's a quick route to her stopping seeing you.

How old is your partners child ? Are they a similar age/sex ?

I can understand that your partner is getting frustrated, and I don't believe it's because things aren't 'moving forward' quickly enough. I think it's probably got more to do with you being 'held to ransom' by your ex tbh.

How did your DD cope when her Mum started her new relationship ?

You really do need to speak to your daughter alone, and explain that while she is and will remain your priority, that it would not be fair to expect you to live your life alone and single.
If she had a positive introduction to her now SF, can you draw comparisons for her ?

She is old enough to understand that relationships are important, and that her mother has another relationship, and now you do too.

Reassure her that she will still have lots of time with you alone, and that you love this time with her and always will, and then carry on as you have been, with meetings that are relatively brief, gradually building up over time.

Hopefully you can build on the time and frequency of your meetings, and things will just naturally get to the point where your DD is asking ''when can I see xxxx again'' or ''can we ask xxxx to come swimming too ?''

You really do need to speak to your daughter alone, and explain that while she is and will remain your priority, that it would not be fair to expect you to live your life alone and single.
If she had a positive introduction to her now SF, can you draw comparisons for her?

I wouldn't necessarily broach it this way with her as it's making her feel guilty and if she's (potentially) already got her mum pushing her from one side and then her dad starts on the other side it's not really fair on her. Also, OP doesn't need her permission to have a new partner so he doesn't even need to address it with his daughter on the level of trying to get her to agree with it. All he needs to do is reassure her that she's important to him, and continue to spend time alone with her without his partner as well as time all together.

OP, I would restart the short meetings with your daughter and partner for sure. That's a great way for them to get to know each other with little pressure on either of them, and leaves you plenty of time with your daughter too, plus will help your partner (and you) feel things are moving forward.

If your ex still has feelings for you then she won't find this easy and she likely will try and put a halt to this again, but you really can't let her dictate your life, otherwise it will never end. You are doing things in a perfectly reasonable way, you're not rushing your daughter into anything and you've waited many years before doing this.

@Bibidy

You really do need to speak to your daughter alone, and explain that while she is and will remain your priority, that it would not be fair to expect you to live your life alone and single. If she had a positive introduction to her now SF, can you draw comparisons for her?

I wouldn't necessarily broach it this way with her as it's making her feel guilty and if she's (potentially) already got her mum pushing her from one side and then her dad starts on the other side it's not really fair on her. Also, OP doesn't need her permission to have a new partner so he doesn't even need to address it with his daughter on the level of trying to get her to agree with it. All he needs to do is reassure her that she's important to him, and continue to spend time alone with her without his partner as well as time all together.

OP, I would restart the short meetings with your daughter and partner for sure. That's a great way for them to get to know each other with little pressure on either of them, and leaves you plenty of time with your daughter too, plus will help your partner (and you) feel things are moving forward.

If your ex still has feelings for you then she won't find this easy and she likely will try and put a halt to this again, but you really can't let her dictate your life, otherwise it will never end. You are doing things in a perfectly reasonable way, you're not rushing your daughter into anything and you've waited many years before doing this.

I also don't thing a kid really cares about whether or not their parent is single forever. They dont understand relationships well enough to be empathise

I also don't thing a kid really cares about whether or not their parent is single forever. They dont understand relationships well enough to be empathise

Exactly, and tbh if asked outright at the beginning lots would say they'd prefer their parent to remain single anyway as they might not have experienced anything else and it's a total unknown to them. And then you're in a difficult spot where you've made it seem like it's up to them and they have a choice about it, but actually you already really want to be with your partner.

Best just to reassure her and take it slow while introducing a partner.

No please don't play the guilt card with your DD as suggested by a PP. My ex does this with my DC and it's grossly unfair to put that on young shoulders.

@Bibidy

I can see the point you're making, and it makes sense.

Perhaps I'm not looking at this from the right angle.

@Bibidy I agree, there's a fine line from making sure they're happy for x to come along and spend time with them and letting them think they're in control.

I've only introduced my DD to one guy since I split with her dad and it was after a year of dating. I made the mistake of almost asking for her approval and it became almost like a power thing where she wanted to test what I'd do if she said she didn't want him to come for lunch etc.

It's not healthy to let a young child call the shots and think they're in control but it is important to make sure they're comfortable with what's happening and that they feel their feelings are being taken into account