I’m ashamed of my family...

[Hockney236]

Just that really. I was brought up (I use that term loosely) by an alcoholic mother on a sink estate in SE London and left home at 15 (I’m early 50s now). I have a sister and she has children. I (happily) have none. The thing is that I am so ashamed of them. My mum has got her act together and no longer drinks, but my sister is now an alcoholic. I’ve done well for myself, worked hard and educated myself. I’m financially comfortable, though in their eyes I’m minted and so am endlessly bailing them out, especially my sister. I find it so depressing, they actually twist my soul. They have no interest in anything, it’s all Judge Judy and Real Housewives. It’s not that I dislike them as such, but they’re loud and brash and fink nuffink of ff-ing and blinding in a restaurant or wherever, which they do regularly and then sit there shouting “SORRY! I shouldn’t swear!” It mortifies me. I don’t even feel guilty for it, but I don’t know how to handle it. Am I alone in feeling this way about family?

You're not alone, and you need to stop enabling your sister. No more money. You really are not helping her.

Thanks for this :) I know I’m not, but when her boys were small I felt I had no choice. The money has got a bit easier, but in the last year I’ve given her 12k. She’s a carer and a very low earner. She’s always so grateful, but I wish she’d stop asking.

She won't stop asking while you keep giving.

As the saying goes 'you can't choose you family'

If she is taking about1,000 a month from you that is really not on. I know you have worked hard and good for you but it is not fair that your sister uses you like this. Good Luck.

@Hockney236
Hey there!
I know exactly how you feel, I grew up with alcohol in my family also.
My mother used to be so aggressive with her words especially in public it was so embarrassing.
You have to put yourself first. That’s just it.
The feeling of guilt can be so unbearable sometimes walking away from your family and putting a stop to the money that they need but that’s not your responsibility. I’m sorry but it’s not, your sister needs to stop drinking and out sort out that addiction and then she will have the money she used to spend on the drink and put it towards her bills.
There is rehabs all over the place. There’s a fabulous one in Ireland that I know of which my mother went to and maybe people that are now10-20 years sober.
I’m sure you would pay for a rehab no problem because it’s for a good cause.
I would maybe sit down and suggest it to your sister.
But she needs to realise she has a problem. If she dosent and says “no way nothing wrong with me blah blah”
Then you need to take care of yourself, check in on them once in a while but keep it to a minimal.
I hope this helps

Thanks so much to all :)

You can't save people who won't save themselves.

You can continue to love your sister unreservedly, but that doesn't mean you have to be her prop.

It’s not the money so much, although it does get wearing, it’s the lack of any common ground and the shame of being out with them

Why would she stop asking when you're effectively doubling her income? And enabling her alcoholism?
The only way to handle them is to say no and mean it and have very minimal contact.

@katy1213

Why would she stop asking when you're effectively doubling her income? And enabling her alcoholism? The only way to handle them is to say no and mean it and have very minimal contact.

The money is more for home improvement stuff etc. I guess that does indirectly enable her. I’d break their hearts to go minimal contact, they’re not horrible at all. Just embarrassing

If it helps think of it this way, the money you give to your DSis pays for her alcohol. You are enabling her alcoholism.

She knows this, relies on it and probably thinks you are a mug... A mug that somehow perpetually owes her.

I now have a BIL who is trying that on with DH. But DH has long been wise to this and says no with ease. He doesn't even get angry anymore. Just says no, and means it.

If that doesn't help, you are giving her years worth of your retirement funds.

Find your anger and work through that!

I call my sister the shameless beggar. I paid her rent for four years when she was going through a tough time even though at the end her business had picked up six months previously and she didn’t need it anymore. I paid for her car, to have it fixed, business equipment, dental treatment, endless bills, it never stopped. She used to call me several times a week and I dreaded it. Then I found out she could support herself and I told her I couldn’t afford to support her anymore and she just said ‘ok’ like it was nothing. She hardly ever calls me now and it makes me think she was only ever nice to me while I was giving her money.

If you didn't know them and they sat near you in a restaurant or a pub, you'd probably get up and get change tables. Of course, you're mortified by them! The only answer is not to go out with them. If you ran into friends or colleagues, would you want to introduce them?

Tell your sister your circumstances have changed and you will no longer be giving her any more money. This is ridiculous, op. Honestly.

12 grand! That's more than some people take home from work in a year. Please stop enabling her, it's not doing any good.

Stop giving them any more money.

A branch of my family are similar op. I rarely see them anymore, just at the occasional wedding/funeral.

I judge myself for being judgemental, but honestly they are rough, they have a dozen children amongst them, they absolutely sneer at education and working, and are openly proud of being on benefits/cash in hand. They think I'm an absolute mug for going to uni and having a decent job.

It’s ok to feel like this. You don’t owe your family anything and you don’t have to spend time with them or lend them money. Slowly, firmly disengage.

Good for you BooGhosty. Honest and pragmatic.

Have a project that you now need to save hard for. You can't lend out any longer as you now need it saved for your costly project.

You're being used!

Wow she is taking advantage of your good nature. You know it's not right. You have two options either stand your ground and say no or continue to bail her out and make your peace with it.
It is your mother that let you both down and although it's admirable that she has got her life together she has fucked up both of yours when you needed her the most.
Your sisters behaviour is a result of that neglect. But this doesn't have to be your guilt op.

@BooGhoosty

A branch of my family are similar op. I rarely see them anymore, just at the occasional wedding/funeral.

I judge myself for being judgemental, but honestly they are rough, they have a dozen children amongst them, they absolutely sneer at education and working, and are openly proud of being on benefits/cash in hand. They think I'm an absolute mug for going to uni and having a decent job.

Sounds like my DM's family. They sneer at us and call us fucking snobs for having jobs. They have their hands out all the time. My aunt (who is in her 80s) always has her hand out and told my mum that 'you owe me'. Whatr for, it turns out is that my mother had a job (nurse) and so should subsidise her family. I had not seen my aunt for over 20 years when she telephoned me out of the blue and asked me to give her £10 k because apparently I am rich and then abused me as a 'fucking little slut' when I said no.

I have not seen that side of the family since I was in my later teens.

OP, stop enabling your sister. Live your own life and happily. Don't feel guilty.

It's hard when you feel you have to sub relatives. However, she is not your responsibility. She is an adult who should live within her means. I used to sub my sister, but stopped when I realised it was never ending. I have two sisters, a sister in law, a nephew and 4
nieces who all struggle financially. I have what I consider a good income but it is not enough to support my own family and 8 adults! Let your sister know you can't continue to support her financially. You don't need to explain why not, just tell her it has to stop

I'm in a similar situation- I know how difficult it is to stop helping but if it benefits you, you must. At most, make the next helpout the last. You owe them nothing, you don't have to associate yourself with them if it makes you feel like this.

For what it's worth, my strained relationship with my family is less strained now that I've stopped giving them money. All they cared about was that I'd married 'well' and therefore was only good to them for cash and help. Now we barely speak but when we do it's civil.

In your situation I would try to find a balance in which you protect yourself whilst still being a part of the family. Try to have a relationship with them but more on your terms.
Perhaps talk about a change of job or tell them you have reduced your days for health reasons meaning you will have a lower salary. This would give you a reason to stop giving your sister so much money without hurting any feelings.
As for the embarrassment try to meet them at their homes rather than in public although I would imagine if people notice the loud behaviour they would be sympathetic as you are not acting like that.