I’m ashamed of my family...

[Hockney236]

Just that really. I was brought up (I use that term loosely) by an alcoholic mother on a sink estate in SE London and left home at 15 (I’m early 50s now). I have a sister and she has children. I (happily) have none. The thing is that I am so ashamed of them. My mum has got her act together and no longer drinks, but my sister is now an alcoholic. I’ve done well for myself, worked hard and educated myself. I’m financially comfortable, though in their eyes I’m minted and so am endlessly bailing them out, especially my sister. I find it so depressing, they actually twist my soul. They have no interest in anything, it’s all Judge Judy and Real Housewives. It’s not that I dislike them as such, but they’re loud and brash and fink nuffink of ff-ing and blinding in a restaurant or wherever, which they do regularly and then sit there shouting “SORRY! I shouldn’t swear!” It mortifies me. I don’t even feel guilty for it, but I don’t know how to handle it. Am I alone in feeling this way about family?

Ah OP your not alone. My mother was called 'Mad Mary" on our estate. She had mental health issues but drank a lot and would have fights with men in the local pub. She terrorised her neighbours and once shouted "LEG IT' when we were leaving a restaurant and ran out thinking it was hilarious - I'd already paid. I went NC in the end

You don't owe your family anything.

I feel the same about part of my family OP. They are your typical Jeremy Kyle type people and I'm mortified that they are related. I have just completed a degree purely to become the first person in the family to graduate.

Congratulations on your achievements OP.

I’m afraid I don’t have any advice except to echo what others have recommended Re your sister! People will always take what they know they can get...

I feel the same OP! My family are terrible. Uneducated, crap with money, smokers, drinkers, gamblers. Mum in particular then also has lost about half her teeth, is so uncivilised in public (last time I took her to a restaurant she scratched her back with a fork??). Their sole form of communication is shouting at each other and they have zero interests other than moaning about immigrants and the rising cost of potatoes pretty much.

OH's family on the other hand are well to do, Oxbridge educated etc - you can imagine how tough I find it when OH has to see my family, nevermind the anxiety I had over our families meeting at our wedding. OH's family have often suggested my parents come spend a long weekend at theirs but I've always had to come up with lame excuses as to why that wouldn't work...

You have been guilt tripped into putting up with this OP all your life and "saving" them from themselves, and seeing it as your role and that you will be a horrible person if you don't go along with what they want. This is too much. Whatever you give will never be enough. You must start thinking of yourself.
You have done as much as you can. If your sister owes you £12k then you can officially say to every request... I've already given you £12k. I cannot give you any more. What about putting £12k into your own pension fund in case you need to retire?
Stop telling them anything about your finances or what you do with your time.

You have to focus on your own life.
As to being embarrassed by their behaviour when out and about.. just stop going out with them. See them in a park or at their house. I bet you are paying for the restaurant too.
If you really want to keep subsidising them...set a fixed amount and when its gone, its gone.

@scrambledcustard @Llamadramasheepface @Juno231 You guys utterly get it! Juno, we could be related, for this is exactly the kind of thing my mum would do.

@BlueLobelia Yep. They don't get a penny from me.

It's been hinted before that I should contribute to my cousins new car, since she was having her 5th child and needed a people carrier. And since I have a job and no kids I should think of my poor poor cousin.

Fuck that. Perhaps she should ask their 3 dads to contribute, except they're all unemployed, and the last one is now in prison.

I'm not paying for her shit life choices.

I know how you feel op! Branch of my family think I'm a posh snob because I like reading books. Married a kind, sweet man I met at Uni, and literally all they can say about him are words for gay people that I'm not going to repeat here.

I just don't see them much. They've always bullied me tbh so I don't feel too bad about it. If we do meet outside homes it's places local to them.

Stop giving your sis money op!! This is one thing I never did, my mum thankfully stood up for me on that one. They do still ask sometimes but I think it's mainly so they can bitch about me when I say no

Thanks so much, all! I feel hugely better reading these replies

Do you actually have evidence that your money has paid for the things you intended?

It sounds really, really tough for you.

I can totally see this isn’t so much about the money.
I would be mortified if anyone in my family behaved like they do.
All I can suggest is don’t go out in public with them, that’s if you want to maintain contact. Always suggest a BBQ. Or come over for lunch etc.
Or just stick to Nando’s far away from where you live!!!! If you can’t do any of that

Don't go to restaurants with them./ Don't bail out your sister

The answer is in your own hands.

💐 i never expect people to be anything like their family. Im early 50s and you are your own person by then. Families wont always let you be yr own person. But you are.

I have a friend whose family are like this, he is educated, worked really hard and now at the top of his profession (teaching). His family seem to think they are entitled to a portion of his salary it's horrible! He says he doesn't miss the money as such but it's more the fact that none of them feel they need to get a job yet expect money from him to pay bills, rent, mortgages, buy fags and booze. It's horrible.

Our neighbors are like this. They are a lovely quiet retired couple both doctors who do a lot of gardening and are lovely thoughtful neighbors. They went away and let her sister and children use their house. My god It was like an episode of shameless. Hard to believe they were related!

I think it’s hard when you come from one side of society and then transition into another to deal with what your old self was.

Has she paid you back any of the 12 grand? when she next has the cheek to ask for money say 'You still need to pay me back what I have already lent you, I don't have any more to lend because of this, only when you have paid it all back I will think of lending you any more'
and see how she reacts.

OP,
Why would you be involved at all with these horrors, giving them money and be seen in public with them?

You owe them nothing.

Stop going out with them.

Pull away.

Stop giving them money.

You owe them nothing.

I’m ashamed of my family for different reasons. I’ve made a decision though this past week. I will no longer keep in touch. I love their children, but as long as they use them as pawns for their own twisted drama, a relationship is not possible, or fair on the children.
The point in what I’m saying is, you don’t need to have a relationship with them. Go low contact. The children will grow up, they’ll work out why you did what you did and you can then have a direct relationship with them without your mother or sister.
Stop giving her money. She’s a user and abuser.

I keep coming back to read this thread. It’s really helped me to feel not so alone, in feeling this way towards most of my family.