Need help and advice to tolerate PIL

[TolerancetoPIL]

Basically my relationship with my PIL started off fine in the early days.
I'd say it deteriorated after I had my son due to MIL messaging me constantly asking for photos of the baby even though she knew I was struggling and he was severely jaundiced and lost weight so we had to go back to hospital.
She never let up and in the end I sent a sharp reply of "no" when she asked for one and she messaged my DH what she had done wrong.

MIL, I think, suffers depression but goes through periods of being quite hyper. I know she takes antidepressants and has done for years and years but also at times has been on steroids, for what I am not sure, but I think she gets hyper at these times and send lots of messages and photos of her face :s

She send photos of my DH as a baby and her and FIL when they were young and new parents and I kind of feel like she does it to be like "see, I had DH first, not you" kind of thing which I know as a reader not involved in the situation you will probably think I am a bit crazy to jump to that conclusion but the way it is done, if you saw them I think you'd know what I mean.

Fil is fairly laid back and nice enough I have always got on well with him but I was pretty disgusted when I had invited PIL over to a holiday home my parents own in italy and we'd been out drinking most of the day, however the next morning FIL told me he has pissed the bed. It was my parents bed and they were in another country at the time so I got them to clean up, put the mattress outside in the sun to dry and kill off the bacteria. But yeh was just shocked when he told me. When I told my husband he didn't say anything? And never spoke to his dad about it. It was a very awkward situation.

PIL live about 4 hours away and she messages straight after a visit asking when they can come back. Trouble is I hate the visits, the run up makes me feel anxious I feel like they ruin my whole month if they say they want to come. I find them pretty boring, they do not talk about anything interesting whatsoever it's all about drinking or the meal they are eating but like nothing of any substance? Just drivel really. Also they start drinking early, when they arrived here at 2pm they were drinking at 4pm. DH started drinking with them and I'm like er remember you have a toddler. It's not like the days before when we didn't have a child! I am pregnant.

MIL takes photos of our son obviously but I am never ever Included in these photos. Recently she took one when I was holding DS and she actually zoomed in so as not to capture me and only captured DS and uploaded it to FB! I told my husband but he didn't see an issue?
Also we just moved house and they didn't say one single thing about the house to me. I asked DH if they said anything to him and he just said they thought it was nice. Bizarre. My family came round spent a long time walking around, asking questions about it (it's old and lots of character).
They didn't ask any questions about me or my family or how they are doing. His sister also came up with them (she lives in different area and PIL visited her before us then informed us she would be coming and staying too...didn't ask just told!) She didn't congratulate me/us on pregnancy. She hadn't sent my son a Xmas present. I ask about how she is and how her work is which she answers but no interest in me!
I ask all about people in their family and their friends and their friends businesses etc but get absolutely no interest back to me. I just think it's so rude!

So basically they want to come up again soon even though we had already planned them to come in August and I just hate it! I felt like "phew! That last visit is over, it'll be August before the next one" when they arrived home from their visit and asked when they can come in-between now and august. So now I am just obsessing over this next visit. I just feel it's ruined the next few weeks for me waiting for it to be over with.

So I am here for tips on how to just put up with it even though it's something that I absolutely hate!

Also I have suggested them getting b and bs to my husband but he said no straight away and said that is rude. :(

Help me please!

Personally I wouldn't have them stay if their visits caused me so much anxiety before they even arrived. Tell Dh you are not able for them and suggest they book in somewhere and just meet up out and about. That way you don't have to meet them each time. Dh can meet them as much as he wants. If Dh is persistent that they stay, then I'd tell him that he is solely in charge of making up beds and tidying before their visits, he can do all food shopping and cooking while they are staying with you and then change beds and clean up once they have left. I'd also arrange a few mornings/afternoons for yourself where you meet up with your own friends for coffee/walks etc. That way you can get away from them.

I would have had DH deal with the pissed bed!!! Ugh.

There are a lot of similarities in your post with my mother's behaviours (so this isn't because they are your in laws, it is because they are difficult/unpleasant people). I am now no contact with my mother which has got rid of all these issues, but before then I used to have nightmares in the weeks running up to her visiting or me visiting her and then would always end up in tears either during and/or after a visit. It's is no way to live. So I totally get how bad the anxiety can get.

I would suggest your DH does all the preparation, hosting and clean up, or they all go in a b&b and your DH facilitates this and any meet ups whilst they are in the area. Them staying elsewhere will help maintain a relationship rather than it deteriorate further. As your kids get older then DH can take them to visit his family without you, and you can have child free time away when they visit, but this is obviously very longterm if your pregnant now.

@Notaroadrunner I have told my DH how I feel but he became defensive about it. Said they are his parents and what do I expect him to do.

He did make up their bed for them and we got a takeaway in. I did do most of the cleaning though because DH is like "they'll understand" if the place is mucky but I cannot stand having folk round when my house isn't up to scratch, of

I find it embarrassing. I think I hate it because i actually like cooking and putting on a spread but I just don't want to for them. They hang around waiting for food etc and as you say, I'm not doing it! So I feel embarrassed and I'm sure they think I'm a lazy sod. I'm not but I don't want to facilitate their visits. My mum has said I should make a hair appointment or meet her for a coffee which I think I will do this time.
This is the thing, I said to DH why do I have to hang around all the time? He doesn't come with me every single time I see my folks or grandparents nor would I expect him to. And also he could go visit them! He said yes but they want to see DS (and it's too long a journey to take him plus he still BF at night so would be unfair to DS) but I still think he could go alone occasionally and that way that takes one stretch of visit out of my life. He did the last time o raised my issues that o can just make plans but he doesn't want it to become a thing or obvious that I just want to be out the house when they are here each time.

I just hate feeling uncomfortable in my own home and feel stressed for weeks before their visits :(

I would just sit back and not get involved in any of the hosting and leave it all to your husband (+50% of childcare). Then see if he will want them back. I do that with my husband s family and the disengagement from me has really helped

I feel like I might get some leverage of them staying in an b and b when the baby comes along. Because I think they would understand the need for us to have our own space.

But yeh DH was sooo against it when I suggested their next visit be a B and B stay. They don't have a close relationship I wouldn't say and he obviously doesn't want to offend them. MIL I thinks think they are closer than they actually are. It's very weird. And I am also included in numerous family chats. One for PIL, DH, SIL and me. Then there's one just me and MIL then there's another Me, MIL and DH.
Like WHY?! Leave me alone. I want to leave all these groups but that really would look bad.

@Sunshinebunshine

I would just sit back and not get involved in any of the hosting and leave it all to your husband (+50% of childcare). Then see if he will want them back. I do that with my husband s family and the disengagement from me has really helped

Problem is DH does actually do it. Not so much cooking but he will sort out a takeaway. And he will make tea coffee etc. So really it's more like personality clash that I have to sit around and be in their presence.

He once said "well I'll have to address this with my mum" but I said no because that really will make problems. I don't want problems but I want to not feel like I'm being controlled by their every visit.
He didn't see the issue with me being cropped out of photos, I feel it's nasty mean and hurtful and basically proves she doesn't like me!

Perhaps she wasn't sure on your views of posting pictures so cut you out?

They don't sound awful but tolerating them would be hard work. You know them better than the stuff you have written. I'd plan for them to take toddler and dh on a day out. You obviously can't come as you have a hair/dental/Spa/sat at home doing nothing appointment.

I would advise you not to tolerate this at all, be the so called bad guy here and assert yourself.

Before you became a parent you did not really see them and in any event likely had very little if anything to do with his parents. Now that you are a parent MILs intolerance and bad/toxic/batshit behaviours show markedly. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; MIL is the overarching matriarch, FIL is her enabler and your DH is perhaps the less favoured of the siblings. Both his parents and SIL are not emotionally healthy to be at all around. They are rude, demanding and are without filter.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend or even your own parents?. Likely not so do not tolerate this going forward. Where are your boundaries at here re his parents?. They need revising upwards and urgently. What is and is not acceptable to you here?. Do not JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) your decisions to these people either; assert your own needs and maintain a consistent front. Your H may want to continue to have a relationship of sorts with his parents but it does not follow that you have to do so. As he also cannot and will not stand up for you as his wife I would also think twice about they having access to your child. I say that because he will likely sit there and not say anything whilst they bad mouth you in front of your child.

His mother does not like you and infact would not have liked any woman that her darling boy married. Its not you, its them.

Cutting you out of photos is unacceptable because its nasty behaviour and besides which you are their grandchild's mother. His parents are both awful and your DH is a wet lettuce when it comes to his parents. His inertia as well as his fear, obligation and guilt re them (and that is why he is on the defensive) hurts him as well as you. His family are all take take and take and no give. Their lack of interaction with you is sadly not all that surprising at all.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics being played out here.

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation that's the thing...they aren't really awful and she can be kind etc so I don't know why I have now built this up to be such a big thing. I think she is just so overbearing that it's annoyed me so much I just have no tolerance for her whatsoever.

The photo thing my husband said the same. He said she knows you're funny with stuff going on social media. Ok but if that's the case why would she think I want a photo of my son for all and sundry to see?! And why not just ask?!

We just had a big talk. Agreed on them coming once every 2 months (except this time since it's planned already) and also for me to put all the chat groups into the spam folder so I don't get notified about them. He has agreed to them going to a b and b when baby is born. Hopefully I can string that out for a few visits lol
He said he will be on the lookout for the behaviours I think his mum is doing on the next visit and if he notices he will address it.
He said he will try and call them or message them more than he does because I told him it seems like your mum is screaming out for your attention.

So will see how it goes but yeh, still don't want them to come.
I will definitely make a plan for myself on a day they are here.

Re your comment:-

"They don't have a close relationship I wouldn't say and he obviously doesn't want to offend them. MIL I thinks think they are closer than they actually are. It's very weird. And I am also included in numerous family chats. One for PIL, DH, SIL and me. Then there's one just me and MIL then there's another Me, MIL and DH.
Like WHY?! Leave me alone. I want to leave all these groups but that really would look bad."

Its all very dysfunctional.

Your H is really mired in his own FOG re his parents and I am not surprised they do not have a close relationship. He still seeks their approval which they will not give him. He would rather see you upset and angry than someone like his mother because he's been conditioned to believe the sky will fall in on him if he upsets her. He would rather you take the hits from his mother in particular he because he cannot and equally will not deal with his parents.

Leave those groups; it all seems so horribly dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy. Let her and your H kick off; apart from shouting what else can they do?. Assert your own self here because your H won't and equally can't.

I agree @AttilaTheMeerkat he definitely cannot say no to his mum. K just said to him there, you would rather keep your mum happy than me. She bought something for DS but before she did I had said remember nothing big as our new house doesn't have as much space. She said it'll just be a tiny space. Ok. They came with a 3ft x3ft teepee for his bedroom I said to DH just there why not tell her it's too big and to return it. He said didn't want to hurt her feelings.
I said what about my feelings? She just undermined me by buying something huge when we just told her not to. He just cannot see it yet!
I don't think she would shout and kick off though if I left the group. I think she would be hurt/upset and I don't want to cause issues with them.

Oh this is so familiar, mil just demanded to come in mid June, we're not free til mid July so there will be histrionics when DH tells her. No advice but I sympathise and am watching this thread keenly!

I did also remind him she caused issues in his last relationship which the girl ended and also he told me his mum was overbearing when he went to uni and had to have a word with her and she backed off and he said he would do it again if need be. But he also said it seems like I've got this narrative made up in my head of how things should go and when it hasn't gone that way I've read too much into it. He pointed out she brought gifts up for me which is true. And that maybe she is asking to come up because she is excited and doesn't think there's any problem whereas I do.

Let her be so called hurt/upset; you do not have to answer to her. She is rude, without filter and overbearing and she will continue to test your marriage. Your H is turn is more than happy to let you feel upset and or take her flak and nastiness because it keeps that away from him. He really cannot and or equally will not stand up for you or even his own self here; he's been that conditioned. I do actually have a modicum of sympathy for your DH but he really needs to assert his own needs here too as an adult with agency. He probably also reverts to child like mode in her presence because that's easier too.

What happened to this teepee, I do hope you disposed of it. Gifts should also come with ribbons, not strings. What other unsuitable stuff for your son will they burden you with if you do not act and assert yourselves as people?.

The issues are already there and were present long before you arrived on the scene. This is not a new dynamic by any means; this really does go back years, perhaps also generations.

Would he also consider therapy re his parents?. At the very least I would be handing him a copy of "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

I know I agree with all you say.the teepee we said we can just keep for the garden which will actually be ok but I totally agree and I did say to DH that they always bring up big bulky things. If they do it again I will actually say something myself though. I honestly don't think he would ever consider therapy.
I think he would if our relationship was at breaking point. But I did say to him look at the pattern of behaviour and how it has affected current and previous relationships. That's when he said he would speak to her about being overbearing although I don't think that's on the cards until he actively thinks and sees for himself how she acts in this upcoming visit.

I think you must be hypersensitive because you’re pregnant. You’re spending way too much time and energy worrying about these people. Be kinder to yourself and think of other much more important things

I think maybe you are looking too deeply into the photo issue . Maybe she just wanted a pic of your DS, so just zoomed in without thinking too much about it .
I’ve seen posts on here where people have complained about the exact opposite , ie MIL has taken a pic of them with their baby etc , and posted in on SM , but they were unhappy as they felt it wasn’t a good one of them and it was posted with the intent to humiliate. So I don’t know , but just offering you another way of viewing it .
When we are riled by someone it’s easy to see everything they do as being intentionally negative .

You have a DH problem, not an in-law problem. Step right back from making any arrangements or agreeing anything with them. To every request just say, ‘you’ll have to ask DH’. If he agrees to let them stay then he does all the preparation, cooking and cleaning. If you want to go out to meet your mum or a friend then go. What you are doing currently is making it much easier for him to be engaged because you are shouldering all the labour and I’ll bet you do all the small talk and question asking as well - stop all that too. Let him take on the full burden of hosting them and then see how he feels about these visits.

@SarahBellam yes I do do most of the small talk and asking questions because otherwise we'd be talking about nothing really. Last time she came she spent 15 mins trying to think of some friend of a friend's toddlers name. Went through her FB chats whilst giving a running commentary that the name had never been written on any of these chats. Then she finally found it and by that time I had forgotten who the hell we were even speaking about and why! It's mind numbingly boring.
I definitely did not talk as much last time, actually I was ill so managed to slink away and lie down and let them go for walks themselves without me having to go...that was quite good haha. That's when I realised it is actually me that carries the conversations..

I think it’s a reoccurring theme that many pils have no interest in their dils except as a baby producing vessel. That’s my experience anyway - they don’t love you or even care about you and only spring into action when they either realise that their son doesn’t make any effort with them or they want information or something else.
Mine have done some shitty things to me (and DH) and it’s been quite liberating to leave dh to deal with 99% of it. I do the bare minimum and just what I consider to be ‘the right thing’. No more.
I have never expected my husband to go over and above for my parents (I do that, they’re my parents and have been very good to us) so he can deal with his (and they’re not good to us at all).
It’s very freeing
Leave as much as possible to your DH and your pils might see your worth. Leave them drink etc and let DH clear up afterwards. Don’t worry if your house isn’t spotless, get your DH to clean it before they arrive. Is he frantically cleaning the house before yours visit? Thought not!

Lol @Ohffsnotthisagain you are quite right there but he'd never clean the house before anyone comes. I hate it and like a clean house anyway but especially so if people visit!
You are right though, I will just do the minimum art PIL. I noticed MIL messages me for answers to questions and I do think "why can't you ask DH". He regularly ignores her messages and doesn't contact them often and I think MIL is absolutely desperate for interaction with him.
Again last night she messaged more photos of DH as a baby. She messaged them to the group chat and DH also said she'd messaged him separately with others. I honestly don't understand it. Almost every day she send these old photos, who sits with old photos out every day?? It's unhealthy and weird imo.
Anyway I have moved all their chats to my spam folder and I switched off my status on messenger so they can't see if I am active.
I need to block mil from my twitter. When I tweeted about how FB is just attention seeking bollocks of pictures and poems and that I had deactivated my account etc she replied along the lines of "but how will I spy on you now haha" and I'm like yeh,that's not a joke...you actually do.
In fact I only deactivated it because of her!

How long are they staying? A weekend every month to 6 weeks is about right, and same for your family. I think you are being a bit mean not to host them. If they are staying a week then a b&b is more reasonable.

Nothing wrong with doing your own thing a bit but do t be the rude one who avoid a them for the whole of the visit.

Cropping you out of a photo was wierd. Pissed bed sounds like a drink problem.

Ils never had my mobile number.. Made for a much easier life...

Deffo he drinks too much. They both Do. They go on holiday and spend it drinking they drink every evening and weekends are in the local.
That's worlds away from me and I do enjoy a drink but their culture of drinking is too much.

Before lockdown they'd usually stay 2 or 3 nights. This past visit was just 1 night which I was pleasantly surprised at and I think the next one is also one night but August is 3. So I know it's not much but hopefully that shows you just how much I hate having them to stay and how stressy I find it all.

My family are closer so don't need to stay, except my brother and if he did it's always just one night. Plus he actually has decent convo and it's fun... My parents pop in for like 5 mins at a time, to see them more we usually go to their house on a weekend day and stay an hour or two. If anything I probably see PIL more over the one night stay every 6-8 weeks than I do adding up all my little visits with my family and my DH isn't always at them anyway. My family are quite "on the go" always doing things, seeing people, exploring places and have lots of stories and anecdotes to tell. We always have lots of laughs and fun. It's totally the opposite with PIL even though they do go on holiday a lot they don't seem to have any interesting things to say about the places, i imagine because they spend it drinking.
Dunno, they just aren't my kind of people and I hate having to have a weekend taken up by people I'm not a fan of. But saying that I am always happy, smiley, chatty with them I'm not rude or awkward with them and do make efforts with them.