Need help and advice to tolerate PIL

[TolerancetoPIL]

Basically my relationship with my PIL started off fine in the early days.
I'd say it deteriorated after I had my son due to MIL messaging me constantly asking for photos of the baby even though she knew I was struggling and he was severely jaundiced and lost weight so we had to go back to hospital.
She never let up and in the end I sent a sharp reply of "no" when she asked for one and she messaged my DH what she had done wrong.

MIL, I think, suffers depression but goes through periods of being quite hyper. I know she takes antidepressants and has done for years and years but also at times has been on steroids, for what I am not sure, but I think she gets hyper at these times and send lots of messages and photos of her face :s

She send photos of my DH as a baby and her and FIL when they were young and new parents and I kind of feel like she does it to be like "see, I had DH first, not you" kind of thing which I know as a reader not involved in the situation you will probably think I am a bit crazy to jump to that conclusion but the way it is done, if you saw them I think you'd know what I mean.

Fil is fairly laid back and nice enough I have always got on well with him but I was pretty disgusted when I had invited PIL over to a holiday home my parents own in italy and we'd been out drinking most of the day, however the next morning FIL told me he has pissed the bed. It was my parents bed and they were in another country at the time so I got them to clean up, put the mattress outside in the sun to dry and kill off the bacteria. But yeh was just shocked when he told me. When I told my husband he didn't say anything? And never spoke to his dad about it. It was a very awkward situation.

PIL live about 4 hours away and she messages straight after a visit asking when they can come back. Trouble is I hate the visits, the run up makes me feel anxious I feel like they ruin my whole month if they say they want to come. I find them pretty boring, they do not talk about anything interesting whatsoever it's all about drinking or the meal they are eating but like nothing of any substance? Just drivel really. Also they start drinking early, when they arrived here at 2pm they were drinking at 4pm. DH started drinking with them and I'm like er remember you have a toddler. It's not like the days before when we didn't have a child! I am pregnant.

MIL takes photos of our son obviously but I am never ever Included in these photos. Recently she took one when I was holding DS and she actually zoomed in so as not to capture me and only captured DS and uploaded it to FB! I told my husband but he didn't see an issue?
Also we just moved house and they didn't say one single thing about the house to me. I asked DH if they said anything to him and he just said they thought it was nice. Bizarre. My family came round spent a long time walking around, asking questions about it (it's old and lots of character).
They didn't ask any questions about me or my family or how they are doing. His sister also came up with them (she lives in different area and PIL visited her before us then informed us she would be coming and staying too...didn't ask just told!) She didn't congratulate me/us on pregnancy. She hadn't sent my son a Xmas present. I ask about how she is and how her work is which she answers but no interest in me!
I ask all about people in their family and their friends and their friends businesses etc but get absolutely no interest back to me. I just think it's so rude!

So basically they want to come up again soon even though we had already planned them to come in August and I just hate it! I felt like "phew! That last visit is over, it'll be August before the next one" when they arrived home from their visit and asked when they can come in-between now and august. So now I am just obsessing over this next visit. I just feel it's ruined the next few weeks for me waiting for it to be over with.

So I am here for tips on how to just put up with it even though it's something that I absolutely hate!

Also I have suggested them getting b and bs to my husband but he said no straight away and said that is rude. :(

Help me please!

Oh and also my DH did suggest it's basically because these people are strangers to me again and I think that is true. We only saw them once last year and i haven't spent tonnes of time with them in general because they are on the other wise of the country. So for then coming to stay it would be like a randomer coming into my house and staying and it just makes me feel on edge. I am not relaxed at all.

Also last night I did ask DH why he never spoke to his dad about the bed. He said because it was already awkward and not a nice thing to talk about... I was like but you left it to me to have to deal with and I hid it from my parents and they actually found out. I had told my brother when we got home and he ended up telling them a few years later. So then I had to talk to mum about it and I said to DH last night that it left me dealing with an awkward situation and I was left with all the embarrassment feelings and he got off Scott free. I tried to make him see it as of it was the other way around and if my dad did that to his parents bed. I told him if it was my dad I'd have been like "ffs dad you're drinking too much, you lost control, it's disgusting and unhealthy and you need to change" and DH was like "there's no need to be like that when it was an accident" and I'm like no, it's a problem it's not normal to drink to excess and piss yourself.
So from that conversation again, i see he just cannot have any kind of truthful conversation even with his dad who is very laid back.
It's basically like he treats them like a colleague or something and wouldn't want to offend. Or something!

Hi there. I used to have in-laws that visited for a minimum of 3 nights as they lived far away. I actually liked them a lot but i found the visits difficult. Lots of prep and catering and sitting around. Waiting hours for them to get up-when they had come to see grandkids? Often working on screens and ignoring us and video calling their other kids who they live down the road from. Which made me cross on behalf of my kids.

I learnt over time, to just carry on my weekend as normal when they were there. It meant i was doing my thing and not backing up chores or performing or missing out on friends or on a haircut. It made me less stressed. Used them as a baby sitter to get out with DH for a meal or lunch. We asked them to cook one night to give us a break. They actually never battered an eye. When someone visits regularly they should muck in and you cannot stand on ceremony. I think the visits went better as i was less tense.

They sound deeply dysfunctional. I mean you have to have a pretty serious alcohol problem to wet a bed and then to tell you about it - ugh.

However they are the GPS and one night once every 2-3 months doesn't sound ridiculous if you back right off and leave DH to do the heavy lifting.

Buy a waterproof mattress protector for the guest bed for when they visit 🤢

I had to tell my mum all about it and what had happened and how it was cleaned. It made me embarrassed to even have to tell mum the story about it, I felt embarrassed they had unknowingly been sleeping on a mattress that was pissed on. I wouldn't like it if it was me and I should have told them rather than hide it. I think I kept it from them because it was an embarrassing situation and also embarrassing my DH father got so drunk he did that in the first place.
Re. What I wanted FIL to do or what I would say to him well tbh I'd rather not have dealt with it at all. I feel like he should have told DH, his son, and DH could have dealt with it. Why was I put in the position to deal with a 60 yr old near strangers pissy bed ffs. They said they were going to buy a new mattress and then it just never materialised.

Would you be better off learning ways to cope yes this is what I asked for on my OP. I know I need to have them in my life and for visits so I need to know how to deal with it. Posters have said to back off and just do my own thing occasionally which I will do and I will also not engage on the chats.

I am actually assertive/know my own mind but when his mother says things it's very hard to say an alternative if I have no reason for it really. Like if she said I want to come up on X date and I just don't want her to, I can't just say no because there's no real reason for saying no other than I just don't want them to visit. But i'd say no everyone if I could lol

And I did say i know there's nothing absolutely awful I guess it's just lots of little annoyances that build up and I have just lost any kind of patience/tolerance I had for them.

Before baby we got on well as a pp said probably because we didn't spend lots of time together but when we did it was more relaxed drinks at pub etc which obviously has changed since having DS.

@goody2shooz

Buy a waterproof mattress protector for the guest bed for when they visit 🤢

Actually that's a good idea!!

I would suggest days out for when they visit. Is there a local petting zoo or farm you can all take your DS to? Or even just a long walk. I too have a FIL who drinks too much but I have to endure long ‘family afternoons’ at PILs house. MIL is either being rude about people she knows or talking over the top of the TV. I have started dragging everyone out for a walk or trip to the (nearby) beach to break up the monotony and curtain the drinking and bitching.

Curtail! Although if I could shut the curtains and not see them that would be great too. 😈

Lol @Helenahandbasket1 yes that would be ideal hehe.
I said to MIL this time they are up we will go to a local country house and that also has a park for DS the the next day we can go to the fruit farm that also has an amazing outdoor play area.

I think outdoor trips is a great idea. Means you're not stuck inside festering and also looks less rude if you subsequently absent yourself from an afternoon/evening of drinking.