Is it ever better to keep your enemies close?

[AnotherGo]

I'm married to an entitled man child. I won't go into details but he uses the term "female privilege" and is currently asleep on the sofa because he has one of those mysterious illnesses that only strikes when DC are crying and not when he wants to play video games all night.

I'm sure you can imagine the rest. He's also got poor MH. Anxiety, depression but won't seek help and is v defensive and angry i bring it up. Hard to know where MH begins and being an arsehole ends. For example he didn't support me very well when I found out my newborn was unwell but he said it was due to anxiety. Arsehole or anxious? Who knows and who the F cares anymore?

Is it always better to divorce? I just know he will be hell on earth. He will go for 5050 and get some horrible flat and expect my two tiny DC (under 3 yrs) to go to his every weekend while he sulks and ignores them and tells them how mummy ruined his life

I also bought the house with a deposit that was all mine. He's been paying half the mortgage for 6 months only. All the equity in the house came from me from buying a good investment flat years ago

Am I going to give up my home when he paid nothing towards it AND most importantly ask my DC to go through it all??? Im still breastfeeding one of them FFS.

Is it EVER better just to hate him but keep him close and "managed". I mean he can be alright sometimes and he can be fun with DC but underneath it he is a right s*it and always will be.

I guess I know the answer. I just need strength. I'm 35. I've got a job. I love my DC. I am a happy strong woman and I've got an overgrown self pitying drama queen DH who is negative about everything. I just want to be free but the enormity of it is so much. Crying in our bathroom writing this while trying to get baby to sleep.

Any words of wisdom

Here’s some strength

Now stop crying a find yourself an excellent Rottweiler lawyer and get cracking.

You might find he’s much less interested in regular contact with them than you fear. They’ll only get in the way of his gaming and you won’t be there to deal with them crying.

No one will order overnight contact for a breastfed baby or toddler.

He sounds useless and he’s dragging you down.

Set yourself free and plan your new life.

For me, the benefits have outweighed the disadvantages hugely. I left a long time ago, with very young DC. Yes, he still uses DC and contact to control and manipulate and make life difficult for me but it's better having that some of the time than all of the time.

I had all the same concerns about DC being alone and ignored with him. My predictions were largely correct but I've made the best of it that I can for my DC.

There's no guarantee he will get 50:50 contact if it goes to court, especially with young children. EOW and a night midweek is still a common setup.

Speak to a solicitor and understand fully what's involved. And make sure it's a good one who knows their stuff. Don't settle for the first one you find. That's always my advice, as it took me three attempts to find a good one.

You cant stay sorry, these types of male destroy you and by proxy your children as well. Your children are very young so 50/50 contact is unlikely. And as the resident parent you should get more equity, 70/30 is not unheard of. Length of marriage counts too, the shorter it is the more likely you get to keep what you came with.

The sooner you get rid of this millstone, the sooner life will begin. And the younger the kids are the better, there is much less chance of too much shared contact and better chance of a good settlement.

Pull together all financial paperwork, file the first divorce papers asap, do this first (before he can) so you control the process. Tell him its over, do nothing more for him and start making his life a misery so he hopefully fucks off. And if he starts any kind of conflict or arguments etc around the kids, document it, as that can give you an opportunity to file for a non mol and an occupation order.

What the other respondents have written. Dry your eyes. Find the strength within you to divorce this person and show your children that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Go and speak to a solicitor, you cannot continue the way you are. You and your children deserve better. Can you prove that you put the deposit into the property? A grown man playing video games all night and neglecting his family, I despair.

Thank you for your messages and encouragement.

My MIL is coming around in an hour to spend a couple of days here as he "he's feeling unwell and wants his mum". She will no doubt mop his brow and they can both hate me for being the unsympathetic witch I clearly am. He is 42 btw. And he has a cold.

I gave birth to twins 8 weeks ago and one wasn't alive at birth. And I kept looking after my kids and house and self. But SURE

Sorry I promised if I came on here I would do it for practical advice and feeling less alone. Not just say all the awful stories. MN is full of awful stories and awful men.

I can absolutely prove that all the deposit was mine. I bought the flat alone years ago. Sold last year and then used that money to buy a small house we could all live in. His name is on the mortgage and he has paid half since we moved in late last year. Its all in writing. Will this help my case? I want to do what's fair and it doesn't seem fair he gets half the house for paying half a mortgage for 7 months.

I'm going to start googling solicitors tonight when he goes to sleep.

He also doesn't drive (keeps cancelling lessons despite me going back to work in a couple of months and we live in rural place). So thats gonna make 5050 harder surely. I breastfeed the baby so that DC will stay with me but would they take the toddler away for nights by himself. I'm choking up thinking about it

Fuck. I fucking hate him. Why didn't i listen to my gut earlier?

I should also say I know the loss of our twin will have affected him too. I don't want to sound like a dick. But he was selfish and immature and mean before we lost one of our beautiful babies. I think he probs has depression. He lives like a teenager. I keep thinking "through sickness and health" and all that but he's not even trying

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

You cant stay sorry, these types of male destroy you and by proxy your children as well. Your children are very young so 50/50 contact is unlikely. And as the resident parent you should get more equity, 70/30 is not unheard of. Length of marriage counts too, the shorter it is the more likely you get to keep what you came with.

The sooner you get rid of this millstone, the sooner life will begin. And the younger the kids are the better, there is much less chance of too much shared contact and better chance of a good settlement.

Pull together all financial paperwork, file the first divorce papers asap, do this first (before he can) so you control the process. Tell him its over, do nothing more for him and start making his life a misery so he hopefully fucks off. And if he starts any kind of conflict or arguments etc around the kids, document it, as that can give you an opportunity to file for a non mol and an occupation order.

I'm new to MN so hope this is the way to respond directly to people. But if I "make his life a misery"...could he say I was difficult or it was my fault. I was thinking of being on my best behaviour e.g. nodding sweetly as he Complains and not reacting to his sulking. But maybe you're right...stop being helpful and sympathetic....when I stop taking his shit he often goes mad and storms off but always comes back to sulk on the sofa waiting for an apology

Im so sorry for your loss. 8 weeks postpartum and the loss of your baby and this fuckwit is behaving like this. Its completely unacceptable.

Id be making clear MIL that she is there to help you and the baby or she can leave. And he can leave with her.

The time for being nice has passed. He has taken full advantage of your niceness and will continue to do so if you let him. Now it is time to get angry. Nice wont get him out of your house. No more apologies for existing, show him all your contempt and anger.

Oh and be prepared when he realises you are serious, all of a sudden he'll figure out how to be a decent father and partner. Don't fall for it, it wont last and they are so much worse once that passes.

The sooner you start the divorce the better the chance you have of keeping your equity and limiting contact.

He can't expect every weekend (unless you work every weekend so that suits you)

Even in 50/50 cases, you can expect every other weekend so that you get to visit your side of the family, spend quality time together, take helm to parties etc

Trying to make it look like your fault is a classic move from the deadbeat playbook. Don't fall for that truck- keep records and proof.

Can you raise the money that he spent on mortgage payments? That might help him move his stuff out and use as a deposit?

And no one cares whose fault it is, the court does not care. So dont worry about that. He can claim you are hellbound harridan and no one cares.

Be careful what you put writing, always centre the needs of the children. And it is not in the best interest of the children to be separated from their primary care giver for very long at a young age, there is lots of evidence for that.

So sorry about the baby OP. I'm not an expert but would suggest acting fast while the kids are still tiny and before he has paid any more towards the house.

Get yourself a shit hot lawyer is the first step.

Do not set a precedent whereby he is staying at home and you’re working all hours so he can claim he’s a stay at home parent and therefore the main carer.

Speak to a solicitor they’ll be able to give you a realistic idea of what you can do.

I would not suffer on longer as he’ll get a bigger claim financially the longer you remain married to him.

Also my experience men like him do not want to parent. You honestly think he will want overnight contact when he retreats to the sofa due to a crying baby?

I’d suggest you tell him he can pick up the kids every other weekend for day contact building up to overnight to ease the children in and then you can review in six months time. He has to pick the children up and bring them back.

I guarantee he won’t. They only go for contact and demand contact if it’s affecting child maintenance or causing you upset. Once they don’t have to pay anything and you stop reacting they lose interest

I am so sorry about your baby. Yes you do need to leave, maybe not now but at some point you need to start planning. You all deserve so much more.

It's never better to stay with an Arsehole. Get out now. I second everything that PP have said.

The one thing I would suggest is that when he spitefully says he's going for 50:50 or something similar that you make incredibly enthusiastic noises (to him) about it. Give him a beaming smile and say That's fantastic. I didn't think you'd be able to cope because you never want to look after the children, but if I'm going to be able to have a brilliant social life and get out and meet people that's really good of you.

I guarantee you - like frazzled says - that he will not want this. And if he thinks you're going to be enthusiastically partying and having sex with other men he will definitely not be wanting custody.

So sorry for your loss op

IMO, no it's never better to stay with someone like this. For several reasons, firstly your dc will use your relationship with your dh, as the model for their own relationships. Chances are they will Either end up an abusive arse or married to one. Secondly, you need to divorce him for yourself and your own mh and well being. A happy mum is a good mum.

He can't have the breast feeding baby eow anyway, and he can have 50% of any equity made up over the last 7 months (excluding your deposit).

Use this time to speak to a solicitor and do yourself, and your dc a favour and do rice hjm!

Get shot op. He sounds like an absolute loser.

So sorry about your baby.

So sorry about your little baby. Get your paperwork sorted. As you can prove you paid the despot I would assume you probably don’t have anything to pay him! Get rid -he will find somewhere to live - with his mummy !!

Thank you so much for support and advice

I'm worried he may try to quit his job and claim he can take care of DC. He hates his job and is always saying he wants to be stay at home dad. Think he thinks easier option! Hahaha. But I could see him wanting to give this arrangement a go.

I know LTB is the obvious and right answer. But I see so many threads where people are like "be done with him, be free" and then other threads from people saying "my ex is taking the kids away/taking me to court/ruining my life". Once you've had kids and you've married a petty vindictive bloke...are you ever actually free or is just another set of problems?

Sorry to sound so negative. He is "obsessed" with our older DC. He doesn't do any of the hard boring stuff obviously but he makes a big song and dance to everyone about their amazing relationship and I can see him doing everything in his power to take that DC away from me somehow

I don't have any 'words of wisdom' op but I'm sending a hand hold

I am so so sorry for the loss of your baby. In the same breath, I want to congratulate you on the birth of your other twin. This must be the hardest thing and having to deal with the awful behaviour of the man child husband is unreasonable for him to expect.

Fuck him. Let his mummy come and take care of him like the child he is. You don't need to put up with that shit alone (or at all in fact!)

Can you send him home with MIL? I know you don't want to seem like the big bad wolf but you're going through so much right now and he's not helping you do a thing. He's not supporting you at all so would it be easier if he gave you space? Or is he doing some stuff that you do need him around for just now?

You can do this OP and you know deep down you have to for your sake and the sake of the children. They can't grow up in a household like this.

So very sorry for the loss of your beautiful twin

Ok, so if he says that he's going to quit his job to take care of the children I'd be saying in concerned tones With your MH issues? Oh no. I would be very clear if it came to a court case that you have constantly talked of your depression, anxiety and mental health issues. I don't think any court will be convinced that you are a suitable guardian for the children.

Start playing dirty, OP. If he's that fucking depressed he can't help you out when you need it and needs to 'sleep' on the sofa - then he's too fucking depressed to gain custody of the kids. Twist every single thing he says round on him like it sounds like he does. Make it utterly clear that you have taken detailed notes on his MH and you will be passing these onto a solicitor with concerned noises about whether he is fit to parent. Tell him this will be brought up in court - purely for the children's safety.

Quitting his job would be a silly move and won't get him more contact. How is he going to afford buying clothes etc for his house without a job?

Watch out for him trying to claim benefits for both kids. Fairest thing to do is to claim for one child each and if he needs benefits that will allow him to get more housing benefit etc

Thanks for support. Today I was making sandwiches for him and his MIL and I sliced the top of my finger. His mum (who uses a stick) rushed over to help. He just sat there. Even his mum was shocked. He just started talking about the time he cut his finger but didn't even stop playing his game while I tried to get the blood to stop. I mean...he will think I'm overplaying it all but its like hes shut down. Such contempt. It's because I'm not making an effort anymore and he feels it.

He's also just cancelled all his driving lessons with no plan how to get more. Which means I have to drive him and the DC everywhere still.

Do I find a solicitor before telling him its over for good? I'm trying to play dirty but also the kids are so demanding (2 and newborn) and every instinct is to try and keep atmosphere sweet for them.

If I go back to work from mat leave in the winter and he quits his job (which he has talked about) - am I up shits creek? Surely they'll say DH can have them rather than nursery/childminders?

Definitely get it all sorted before you tell him anything.

Tomorrow make an appt for Monday, over the weekend gather all your financial info and write down all your Qs, on Monday talk to them and based on that right out a plan. Don’t tell you husband a thing till you are ready to press go.

I know it’s hard to find the energy and strength but please do. Staying in this situation will destroy you and DC. It’s important to take action now, if you stew about it you will talk your self out of it - or will work out.