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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It’s my birthday. Ex didn’t wish me happy birthday

70 replies

Nuthatcher · 02/06/2021 14:07

Background. I was seeing my ex for two years, we met at work. We were good friends before we started seeing each other. He was recently separated so I treaded carefully. He had been with his wife for twenty years. She had an affair hence the split.
The two years were rocky. He wouldn’t commit to being official, he blew hot and cold, he cancelled a lot. The times we spent together were amazing. Intense romance. He was always honest and said he couldn’t give me what I wanted at that moment etc...one day he rejected me when I went to kiss him and he said his wife wants to give it another go but he still really likes me and wasn’t sure what he wanted. I ended it.
He got back with his wife and I barely spoke to him for a whole year. I saw other people and I’m with someone lovely now.
For the first time in a year I spoke to ex. Told him how I resented him for hurting me but I still cared about him. He apologised and said he was low at the time and he’s still low now, he’s depressed and unhappy. That was that really and he said if I wanted to talk then that’s cool.
Today is my birthday and he’s either forgot or he’s just chose to ignore it.
I’m hurt. I feel worthless. I wasted two years on him. I have fertility issues and I wasted two fucking years. I don’t want him back or anything but I just feel hurt at how little he cared compared to what I gave him.
I’ve cried and felt sad on my birthday and he’s a piece of shit, but I still feel sad.
Just ranting really.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 02/06/2021 16:25

An ex who treated you like crap suddenly wanting you would make you feel better but your current partner who you say is lovely actually wanting you right now and being with you right now doesn't make you feel loved?

SoupDragon · 02/06/2021 16:27

Because of absolutely everything the OP has said.

Nothing she says describes a "cocklodger" who is someone who sponges off their partner.

Nuthatcher · 02/06/2021 16:37

I know. It’s not fair on my current partner to have these feelings. I feel more resentment for this man making me feel like I do though. I really don’t want him. My partner is lovely and I love the way things are going. I honestly do...I think the push pull type of relationship I’m used to has messed me up. I can’t explain it. I think I just feel used and humiliated and it’s really knocked me for six. And having to see him everyday at work, I didn’t speak to him, I just ignored. But seeing him is triggering. I’ve just been left with no confidence.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 02/06/2021 16:46

Unless there were mutual children involved and an ongoing relationship because of the children, I wouldn't expect to hear from an ex after the relationship had ended for any reason really.

BetterThanKleenex · 02/06/2021 16:49

You're not over him. No matter what feelings you still have towards him you're letting this take over your life. It really isn't okay that you're obsessed with someone who you've been apart from for so long- especially as you have a new partner! This is no good for you, try to find some closure. If you've already told him how you felt and you still feel no better, maybe you need a break from it all.

Bluntness100 · 02/06/2021 16:50

Op, I mean this gently, it’s been over for a year, he’s not making you feel anything any more, you’re pretty much no contact.

Maybe trying to get some therapy to help you move on is the answer. I know you say you don’t want him, but you desperately wanted him to wish you happy birthday. So you want something from him and not getting it is devastating uou. You even told him how you cared about him. You sat crying becayse he didn’t wish you happy birthday, so were clearly sitting hoping and waiting for him to do so

You had a relationship. It didn’t work out. That’s very common. Who he is with now is not relevant. You were not used or humiliated because your relationship ended.

I mean this gently but seeking some help to move on. To reframe it in your mind from he preferred his ex to you and dumped you for her. Because that’s what you’re thinking. To you had a relationship it didn’t work out.

OwlTwitterings · 02/06/2021 16:55

Happy birthday!

If I’m reading this correctly, you weren’t even a couple as he didn’t commit and he has been back with his wife for a year whilst you are with someone lovely. Rather than being sad, be grateful you are with someone better and who you have a chance to be far happier with long term.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/06/2021 16:59

OP he cannot give you confidence, he cannot restore anything. He cannot take away any pain. There is no “if he just acknowledged this/behaved like that I would feel ok” because that would only ever bring a very temporary relief. He would do something else or not say something and you would still be hanging on.

Stop giving your power away. He doesn’t owe you validation or relief. He cannot give it to you anyway.

This is an inside job. You must validate yourself, bring it all home. It’s your job to find that relief. It’s emotional sobriety.

Aprilx · 02/06/2021 17:04

I have never had a happy birthday from an ex, nor ever wished one a happy birthday. I don’t truly understand why you expected one.

Opentooffers · 02/06/2021 17:12

You sleepwalked into this. He's clearly not got it easy and you were single so should of been more objective. You've got low self esteem, so that's your issue and it's never going to work looking for others to bolster that up, you have to feel it within yourself. If you look to others for validation, sure you might feel it off them sometimes, but you moods and ego will get crushed repeatedly because not everyone is in a position to booster your fragile self-esteem.
Lots of red flags when you got together, but you chose to ignore them - newly separated after 20years is a big one, separated is still married, he was on the rebound, which explains the other red flag of him blowing hot and cold and not committing and yet you still went along with it.
Who contacted who after a year? Him or you? Because if it was you, then you are being disloyal to your current man. Basically, you've done same thing he has, you are not over him whilst seeing another, as he was not over his wife while seeing you.
You say you're angry, you've called him names on here. I don't think he's done anything deliberately bad, he was in a tough place, you should of kept away, most would of. So, until you take responsibility as to why 'you' wasted 2 of your fertile years, with someone so clearly unsuitable as a prospect form the start, you will possibly waste more years dating the wrong guys.
You've got Mr Nice, but still wanting to connect with an ex, still upset you didn't get a birthday card a year after its ended -Really? Why would you ever think that should happen? I've never given a card to an ex, even when it's been a much longer, more stable relationship than yours was.
I think you'd benefit from counselling, because there's a lot of denial and it looks like you are enjoying the drama too much, hence prolonging it when it should be left.

Bluntness100 · 02/06/2021 17:18

@Aprilx

I have never had a happy birthday from an ex, nor ever wished one a happy birthday. I don’t truly understand why you expected one.
I think the happy birthday is a red herring. The op wanted to know he cared about her, thought about her. And when he didn’t wish her happy birthday she realised he didn’t, so feels like shit and she was used.

So she wanted him to wish her happy birthday as a sign she was important to him.

BlueDucky · 02/06/2021 17:21

You're not over him, this isn’t fair on your current partner. I'd try being single for a bit so you can focus on yourself.

katy1213 · 02/06/2021 17:21

Does your new, lovely boyfriend - who presumably did remember your birthday - now that you're so hung up about your ex?

Sometimesfraught82 · 02/06/2021 17:24

It’s speaks volumes about how you feel about your current partner

I recall your name from another thread you posted on just today

Where you say that you are desperately trying to conceive with your current partner.

Perhaps put that on hold. In fact, definitely

grapewine · 02/06/2021 17:26

@OrangePowder

Imagine how you'd feel if your current partners was sad on his birthday because he hadn't heard from his ex....
Exactly. This is odd, OP.
Livandme · 02/06/2021 17:33

He didn't bring much to your life when you were together and brings even less now. I'm not sure why you care if you have moved on.
Just block him and forget him

IEat · 02/06/2021 17:35

Why would you want the wishes of someone who hurt you. Move on

Bluntness100 · 02/06/2021 19:54

Actually I don’t understand now looking at your other thread, you say you nearly left your partner for someone who didn’t want you. Indicating you were living with the man you’re with now, but here you indicate you only split a year ago?

hatcoatscarfalcohol · 02/06/2021 20:07

Did the person you're seeing now wish you a happy birthday?

ImprobablePuffin · 02/06/2021 20:29

I think the key here OP is not to value yourself based on other people's opinions.

If you don't like him/want him why do you place so much value on his opinion of you?

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