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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It’s my birthday. Ex didn’t wish me happy birthday

70 replies

Nuthatcher · 02/06/2021 14:07

Background. I was seeing my ex for two years, we met at work. We were good friends before we started seeing each other. He was recently separated so I treaded carefully. He had been with his wife for twenty years. She had an affair hence the split.
The two years were rocky. He wouldn’t commit to being official, he blew hot and cold, he cancelled a lot. The times we spent together were amazing. Intense romance. He was always honest and said he couldn’t give me what I wanted at that moment etc...one day he rejected me when I went to kiss him and he said his wife wants to give it another go but he still really likes me and wasn’t sure what he wanted. I ended it.
He got back with his wife and I barely spoke to him for a whole year. I saw other people and I’m with someone lovely now.
For the first time in a year I spoke to ex. Told him how I resented him for hurting me but I still cared about him. He apologised and said he was low at the time and he’s still low now, he’s depressed and unhappy. That was that really and he said if I wanted to talk then that’s cool.
Today is my birthday and he’s either forgot or he’s just chose to ignore it.
I’m hurt. I feel worthless. I wasted two years on him. I have fertility issues and I wasted two fucking years. I don’t want him back or anything but I just feel hurt at how little he cared compared to what I gave him.
I’ve cried and felt sad on my birthday and he’s a piece of shit, but I still feel sad.
Just ranting really.

OP posts:
Seafog · 02/06/2021 15:31

What about the lovely person you are with now?
Why does the ex, who was only a two year relationship (a year ago) even matter?

PickAChew · 02/06/2021 15:35

Well, he is your ex.

Lovelydiscusfish · 02/06/2021 15:36

The only one of my exes who remembers and acknowledges my birthday is the one I have a child with.

I have another couple of shortish terms exes who are still my mates. I don’t expect them to remember my birthday, and I don’t think it means I meant/mean nothing to them. I think they just forget. If I happened to mention it was my birthday they would say happy birthday.

I can see you are hurt, but honestly this fella sounds like he was a bit of a head wreck to be honest, much as I am sure he had nice qualities too. I would just try and forget about him if I were you, and focus on your new fella......

Bluntness100 · 02/06/2021 15:37

Did your current boyfriend wish you happy birthday? Why is that not really important to you, it’s all about your ex. He’s clearly still heavily on your mind. I am not sure it’s fair to your current partner to be dating him.

You are clearly not over yout ex and desperately wanted him to wish you happy Birthday and show you you were important to him. To the extent you are sitting crying snd feeling really upset he didn’t throw you that crumb.

I don’t know what will help, maybe therapy. But you need to do something to help you get over it

SoupDragon · 02/06/2021 15:39

Why would he? He is back with his wife.

DumplingsAndStew · 02/06/2021 15:41

Do you actually love the guy you're with now, or are you just wanting a baby?

5475878237NC · 02/06/2021 15:41

You have a boyfriend? I think you need help. It isn't fair to be in a relationship and be crying over an ex from a year ago.

Nuggetnugget · 02/06/2021 15:42

He's with his wife and you have someone new. It would be wrong of him to text surely.

SoMuchForSummerLove · 02/06/2021 15:44

You've given him an insane amount of power over your feelings.

Fuck him, he's the past!

VettiyaIruken · 02/06/2021 15:47

He's your ex. He's back with his wife. You're with someone else. You've been split up for half as long as the entire relationship. Why did you get in contact with him? Why are you wanting him to find an excuse to contact you?

Focus on your "lovely" partner, not on someone who messed you about for two years and didn't really give much of a crap about you. You say you don't want him back but that's not how it sounds.

Nuthatcher · 02/06/2021 15:50

It’s just that we spoke two weeks ago about it all and we wished each other well and he said he would like to talk sometimes as mates as we once were. We work in the same building, see each other every day.

I honestly don’t want anything with him again and I’m happy but he has left a massive scar and reopened the old wounds of I don’t feel good enough, I’m not enough etc and that’s the part that stings. I guess him wishing me a happy birthday would mean that he did care, which would ease all these feelings. I need to move on and stop being pathetic.

OP posts:
NeedNewKnees · 02/06/2021 15:52

Your ex shouldn't be wshing you happy birthday, he's in your past. He shouldn't contact you at all.

crazymicrowave123 · 02/06/2021 15:54

@Nuthatcher

It’s just that we spoke two weeks ago about it all and we wished each other well and he said he would like to talk sometimes as mates as we once were. We work in the same building, see each other every day.

I honestly don’t want anything with him again and I’m happy but he has left a massive scar and reopened the old wounds of I don’t feel good enough, I’m not enough etc and that’s the part that stings. I guess him wishing me a happy birthday would mean that he did care, which would ease all these feelings. I need to move on and stop being pathetic.

So how did you avoid him for a year if you work in the same building every day? Also he hasn't opened any old wounds, you did by initiating conversation with him after all this time. No point in dwelling on what did happen or didn't and you shouldn't need him to wish you a happy birthday to feel that you are good enough. No offence but I kinda feel sorry for your current partner as it seems like you still harbour some sort of feelings or validation from your ex...
nimbuscloud · 02/06/2021 15:55

Does your current bf know about your ex and the feelings you have for him??

VettiyaIruken · 02/06/2021 15:55

Did you contact him first or did he contact you?

VettiyaIruken · 02/06/2021 16:00

Well, you weren't enough. That's why he chose his wife.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT'S A FLAW IN YOU.

Capitals important there! Not shouting. Just a very important point.

It wasn't about you. It was about him. The fact he chose to return to his wife doesn't mean there's anything lacking in you as a person. It means he chose 20 years over 2 years. Even though that meant he needed to forgive an affair. It's in no way a reflection on you.

vodkaredbullgirl · 02/06/2021 16:01
Hmm
PussGirl · 02/06/2021 16:03

My Ex wished me Happy Birthday last weekend - I'd rather he hadn't - I rather he'd just fuck right off!

Nuthatcher · 02/06/2021 16:08

I suffer low self esteem that’s why it spins round my head so much. I’ve thought about it enough to know that’s my problem. I don’t want him again, so much I don’t even like about him...but he made me feel shit which just confirms my opinion of myself.
In a twisted way if he was to turn round and actually want me I would feel better about myself but I wouldn’t want him.

OP posts:
Sillysandy · 02/06/2021 16:11

Sorry OP but you are fooling yourself here. You're not over him and you're not ready for a relationship with this lovely man you mentioned in your first post.

It is bizarre that you would expect a happy birthday from your ex. He is back with his wife. Yes it would be possible for you and he to go back to friendship but highly unlikely given your history, the fact you're both in relationships. And you are definitely not there yet.

You spoke to him, aired your upset - that should be it. You seem to think this was the beginning of something.

He is back with his wife. Imagine how she would feel if he was pursuing a relationship with the woman he was involved with when they were apart. Ok so she had the affair so on the surface he could be described as the injured party but who knows what led up to that. I assume when they decided to give it another shot they both committed to working harder at their relationship. You are frankly a complication they don't need.

I'm sorry to be harsh but you being upset should not be a priority for him. His wife is his priority I hope. Does your partner know what's going on with you?

Snowbeau · 02/06/2021 16:14

Oh OP, I can hear from your posts how much you still care for him. It sounds like he was never truly over his ex.

Close this chapter x

Geamhradh · 02/06/2021 16:15

@Nuthatcher

It’s just that we spoke two weeks ago about it all and we wished each other well and he said he would like to talk sometimes as mates as we once were. We work in the same building, see each other every day.

I honestly don’t want anything with him again and I’m happy but he has left a massive scar and reopened the old wounds of I don’t feel good enough, I’m not enough etc and that’s the part that stings. I guess him wishing me a happy birthday would mean that he did care, which would ease all these feelings. I need to move on and stop being pathetic.

He's a cocklodger. I bet his wife didn't have an affair either.
DumplingsAndStew · 02/06/2021 16:17

And you having/planning IVF with your new partner? Sad

SoupDragon · 02/06/2021 16:18

He's a cocklodger.

How on earth have you come to that conclusion?

Geamhradh · 02/06/2021 16:24

@SoupDragon

He's a cocklodger.

How on earth have you come to that conclusion?

Because of absolutely everything the OP has said.