Custody + Divorce with a bit of LGBTQ+ thrown in!

[pokingthebear]

Hi!

Not sure if this is the right place to post this.

Might be quite complex?

Basically, ex-h and I divorced a year ago, as I came out as a lesbian about 3 years ago. We have an an 8 year old boy with autism.

I am moving out in a matter of days, ex is staying put. We signed a parenting contract that states my son will stay with me twice a week, and spend the other 5 nights with Dad... It was originally going to be 0 nights a week with me as 'why should I be punished for you being gay?' I signed this under duress as, when I stated I wanted a legal professional to look the contract over, I was threatened with being kicked out the house (even tho it's a joint tenancy).

Ex's reasoning for son being with him 5 days a week is to offer him the stability and routine he needs, that consistency. Yet. I have not spent one night away from my son since he was born. Ex has. I do everything for my son: breakfast, packed lunch, tea, bath and bed time, take him out. i take him to school and to drs, dentist and hospital appointments. he calls out for me when he has hurt himself, or when he wakes in the night.

Is what's right for the child about the house he lives in? Or the people around him?

Ex says he will never forgive me for breaking up the family. (Can I just remind you, I came out as gay. I didn't cheat or anything like that. I didn't even join up to dating sites and start doing that until 5 months after we got divorced! He, on the other hand, has dated loads!)

Ex says no one I date, or gay friends I've made on or offline are allowed around my son when he's at my house. Is he able to dictate that, though? he's also stated he doesn't want his son around 2 women.

I have accepted that I am in an abusive situation. (Tho ex says I am the abuser, and am gaslighting him etc). I am reaching out to women's aid for some advice, but as that can take up to 5 working days, I thought I'd come here too, just for some comforting words of reassurance perhaps? It;s currently half-term and I'm just trying to make it through to the weekend when I move!

The arrangements will be this: I will come round in the mornings to get my son ready for school and take him to school. (As I am the one who has taken him to school every day!) I will then come back to this house at 5:30pm to relieve the after-school nanny, do bedtime, wait for my son to do his bedtime number 2 to help with his self care (as ex can't do that!) and then go back to mine...

Should also point out that ex has just been diagnosed with autism, has complex-ptsd and other mental health issues.

i also have mixed depression and anxiety disorder.

ex has used my mental health to say he's concerned for my mental health (I'm fine. accessing therapy and take medication), thinks I'm being reckless, selfish and having my priorities in the wrong order for trying to date.

Absolute mess.

So, to recap. My main questions are:

Is what's best for the child regarding custody about the house they live in, or the people he relies on most for his daily care and needs?

Can my ex dictate who comes to my house or who is around my son when i have him?

is this parenting agreement that i signed under duress legally binding? (ex reckons he's given it to his 'legal team', which is probably someone doing law at uni, but i have no evidence of that?)

can i try and get more of the share of custody of my son? who can i turn to for legal advice?

Thanks in advance, folks!

So basically you're going to be doing the majority of the school week parenting but his Dad is calling these his nights and could potentially claim CS off you. Unless their are specific safety concerns your DS should be with you at least 50/50.

He cannot dictate who comes to your home when DS is there, nor does he have any say in who you bring into DS life.

Legal contracts signed under Duress are not legally binding. I don't know though how the burden of proof works with duress. I'm not in UK, here an agreement would need to be stamped by a judge to be legally binding.

Yes you can try for more custody. You may be eligible for legal aide. I know DV qualifies you for legal aide where I live. Maybe worth seeing you meet criteria for legal aide where you live.

Can you afford a lawyer? Or at the very least ring CAB for some advice? This sounds more like he told you what he wanted and you agreed rather than mediation.

How is he resident parent if you’re doing all the actual parenting yet you’ll end up owing him maintenance as he’s got ‘overnight’? This isn’t right OP and you need to get proper advice quickly. Are you moving somewhere where your son can go with you when you leave? This isn’t going to be a healthy situation for anyone.

And you should not be punished for your sexuality., especially if the realisation came later in life for you. All the shit my STBXH pulled, he’s never once been anything but accepting and understanding of mine.

You need proper legal advice because no he cant do what he is asking.

Personally your son needs to be with you not at that house and you need to get off the tenancy. You can take your son with you and start the legal process from there

Why on earth are you being such a doormat? He decides he has your son 5 days a week but that you have to come around to do all the parenting like getting him ready for school?! Fuck off! If he can’t be available for his son on those 5 days, then it’s not realistic that he has custody. He makes it work without your help if he wants custody.

Aside from that, is this what you even want? Being forced to sign an agreement means nothing. Have you had legal advice? And who gives a fuck if he’ll never forgive you? What do you need his forgiveness for? I’d simply tell him you’re not asking for his forgiveness because there is nothing to forgive.

Oh and no, he doesn’t get to dictate who you have around your son when he’s with you.

Did you get legal advice before you signed the agreement? Is it a legal document signed infront of witnesses etc or is it a piece of paper he wrote and you signed

You will be liable for child support payments and still do the drudge work of parenting I suggest you either stay put and sort it properly or leave him to it 5 days a week not do the school runs bedtime routine etc and let him do it see how fast he wants 50/50

Get legal advice asap, while I do have some sympathy for your DH, it must have been shit to find out his life was a bit of a lie, it still doesn't mean he can just decide everything to do with your child and access to him

Can my ex dictate who comes to my house or who is around my son when i have him?

No.
Did you get proper legal advice about “custody” of your son? Because that doesn’t sound right at all!

Get in touch with women's aid asap. They will advise you and recommend a solicitor. Do not leave the family home. Gather written evidence of all financial, legal and medical information. Copy it all and keep it in a secure place.

Your sexual orientation has no involvement here so keep it aside.

You need to phone women's aid and get support from them. You need a solicitor to redraw contracts that are mutually agreed and not under duress.

Care should be 50/50 for a child of 8 but as he has special needs and your are main care giver he potentially should be with you more than 50%.

You're ex is trying to punish you for leaving, and for being gay. You are letting him.

Find your back bone sharpish - you need it, you need to protect your son as your ex is using him to hurt you.

Stay put in the house for now.

Get a solicitor. Put in an application to the court that you remain in the house, ex leaves, and you remain resident parent. No sensible judge would order otherwise in light of your sons needs.

Get a solicitor!

Thanks for all of your replies!

We currently rent this home. I am moving into my own rented property.

The sort of evidence I have is: all of my son's benefits, (child benefit and DLA) is in my name, my name is on all of the household bills (water, energy, tv license). I could get school to state I take my son to school every day.

I'm sure there's records with drs, dentists and hospital that show me taking my son on his own to appointments. I've done the last few EHCP meetings by myself online.

I know that I am being a massive fucking doormat right now. I hate hate HATE being seen as so weak, defenceless, controlled etc. But we were together for 8 years and 8 months before getting divorced. We agreed to remain living together to provide that stable home environment for our son, and I had my own room etc. As soon as I decided I was ready to start dating, it all went to shit. My very existence seems to antagonise him. Me being on the phone in my room to a girl antagonises him, so I would have to leave the house to have a phone call.

Ex uses the fact that when I first came out, he moved on very quickly with someone else and moved in with them (told me after, that it was to get away from me), which resulted in him becoming suicidal as he was away from our son. I at one point basically moved into this woman's house with me son, me sleeping on the sofa, my son on a mattress on the floor and the bloody dog! He says he can't be away from his son because of what it will do to his mental health again.

Can I also just say... it was my ex who asked me if I was gay. He wanted me to announce it on fb and to family before I was even ready just so he could save face as he moved on so quickly.

I have been threatened so many times by him... it's why I am going along with things until I move out so I can then have the freedom, space and privacy to seek the legal advice I so desperately need.

@Theunamedcat I typed up the agreement as he dictated it. When I said I wanted legal advice before I signed it, he threatened to kick me out there and then. I had nowhere to go. He said we can't be living in the same house and both getting legal advice and I just believed him because he has this way of talking that makes me feel very very stupid!

It was not signed in front of witnesses - regular or legal ones - but signed in our house and he took copies to send to his 'legal team'. I have no idea who this legal team is, by the way!

@AryaStarkWolf Yeah I know, I do feel very guilty about it. It's the result of a super religious upbringing. It wasn't until a point when ex and I were seperated and I was single for the first time in my adult life, that I found myself drawn to women! Still took a few years longer for ex to ask me cos how do you tell your husband that you're gay???

Just rip the agreement up
Seek legal advice
Don’t move out without your child
Seek proper residency and agree visitation - for him

You being gay is totally irrelevant.

Did I read right that you moved in to this woman's house with your son and your son was sleeping on the floor on a mattress?

If so OP you are right and this is a mess.

Do not leave your son behind. You will end up paying CM despite looking after him every day.

What legal basis does this parenting agreement have?

@YoBeaches Thanks for that. I do agree that as the main care giver, I could have more than 50/50, but I am happy to split it. He genuinely thinks this is what is best for our son (and him, let's be honest!) but my son isn't going to cope well with this change. I've already had to tell Uni that I have to change my degree so I'm not doing my teaching placement, but I have had extensions agreed due to being in an abusive situation, so I do have that on record.

What real life support do you have?

Id move out with your child with you and apply for custody straight away. The police won't be able to get involved unless there is a court order.

Just take your son with you when your ex is not in

Please save your son from his father - he made you move to his other woman so he wont be apart from him and being apart makes him suicidal?

That is far far far too much for a young child, please access support on this because your Ex needs some serious help to be ok with seeing your son.

You are letting your guilt about your sexuality cloud the issues what is actually going on and what you need to do

You are clearly the primary carer for your son. Please get legal advice before doing anything else.

Buy yourself some time. Say there’s a delay on your new place - landlord needs to fix something etc. This will give you a bit more time to hear back from Woman’s Aid.

You absolutely need to get proper advice before you leave. You can do this

OP (and I mean this kindly) you need outside help to help you put healthy boundaries down for you AND your son. You taking your son to this woman's house and sleeping on couches and mattresses on the floor is not normal. Was you homeless at this point or did you still have your rental? if so THAT was the time you should have applied to have him taken off the tenancy and locked him out.

Now YOUR having to leave yet come back daily and do the role he is supposed to be doing.AND you will end up finically paying for the privilege.

YOU also allowed him to dictate to you a letter signing away your rights that have no legal basis.

Can you access support through uni?

You absolutely CAN leave with your son. It is not a police matter but a court one. The court will not care if your gay, they only care about the welfare of your son.

@Theunamedcat

You will be liable for child support payments and still do the drudge work of parenting I suggest you either stay put and sort it properly or leave him to it 5 days a week not do the school runs bedtime routine etc and let him do it see how fast he wants 50/50

This. Make sure you don't do any childcare on 'his' days. I get why you want to, but you'd be enabling him to keep your son from living with you. Big incentive for him to go 50/50 or leave you as RP when he actually has to do it himself.