Custody + Divorce with a bit of LGBTQ+ thrown in!

[pokingthebear]

Hi!

Not sure if this is the right place to post this.

Might be quite complex?

Basically, ex-h and I divorced a year ago, as I came out as a lesbian about 3 years ago. We have an an 8 year old boy with autism.

I am moving out in a matter of days, ex is staying put. We signed a parenting contract that states my son will stay with me twice a week, and spend the other 5 nights with Dad... It was originally going to be 0 nights a week with me as 'why should I be punished for you being gay?' I signed this under duress as, when I stated I wanted a legal professional to look the contract over, I was threatened with being kicked out the house (even tho it's a joint tenancy).

Ex's reasoning for son being with him 5 days a week is to offer him the stability and routine he needs, that consistency. Yet. I have not spent one night away from my son since he was born. Ex has. I do everything for my son: breakfast, packed lunch, tea, bath and bed time, take him out. i take him to school and to drs, dentist and hospital appointments. he calls out for me when he has hurt himself, or when he wakes in the night.

Is what's right for the child about the house he lives in? Or the people around him?

Ex says he will never forgive me for breaking up the family. (Can I just remind you, I came out as gay. I didn't cheat or anything like that. I didn't even join up to dating sites and start doing that until 5 months after we got divorced! He, on the other hand, has dated loads!)

Ex says no one I date, or gay friends I've made on or offline are allowed around my son when he's at my house. Is he able to dictate that, though? he's also stated he doesn't want his son around 2 women.

I have accepted that I am in an abusive situation. (Tho ex says I am the abuser, and am gaslighting him etc). I am reaching out to women's aid for some advice, but as that can take up to 5 working days, I thought I'd come here too, just for some comforting words of reassurance perhaps? It;s currently half-term and I'm just trying to make it through to the weekend when I move!

The arrangements will be this: I will come round in the mornings to get my son ready for school and take him to school. (As I am the one who has taken him to school every day!) I will then come back to this house at 5:30pm to relieve the after-school nanny, do bedtime, wait for my son to do his bedtime number 2 to help with his self care (as ex can't do that!) and then go back to mine...

Should also point out that ex has just been diagnosed with autism, has complex-ptsd and other mental health issues.

i also have mixed depression and anxiety disorder.

ex has used my mental health to say he's concerned for my mental health (I'm fine. accessing therapy and take medication), thinks I'm being reckless, selfish and having my priorities in the wrong order for trying to date.

Absolute mess.

So, to recap. My main questions are:

Is what's best for the child regarding custody about the house they live in, or the people he relies on most for his daily care and needs?

Can my ex dictate who comes to my house or who is around my son when i have him?

is this parenting agreement that i signed under duress legally binding? (ex reckons he's given it to his 'legal team', which is probably someone doing law at uni, but i have no evidence of that?)

can i try and get more of the share of custody of my son? who can i turn to for legal advice?

Thanks in advance, folks!

@pokingthebear that isn’t a legal document. Get an appointment with a solicitor urgently and start standing up for you and your son. He is abusive and you are not responsible for his actions but you can take control of yours!!! He may say lots of things but you need to put your hard hat on and focus on what is best for you and your son.

[quote pokingthebear]@YoBeaches Thanks for that. I do agree that as the main care giver, I could have more than 50/50, but I am happy to split it. He genuinely thinks this is what is best for our son (and him, let's be honest!) but my son isn't going to cope well with this change. I've already had to tell Uni that I have to change my degree so I'm not doing my teaching placement, but I have had extensions agreed due to being in an abusive situation, so I do have that on record.[/quote]
If he thought being with him was best for DS he'd be doing the parenting on his days, not leaving it to you. He's tactically agreeing DS needs you. He is doing this to punish you and because it's what he wants. There is no way he thinks taking a child away from their RP the majority of the time is in his son's best interests. You have to think of what your son wants, not what your Ex wants. Your guilt, and I totally get this, and fear is stopping you thinking about this the right way. The time DS spends with both parents should be based on what he needs and what's best for him. Not what Ex supposedly needs for his mental health. That can't be your concern, he's an adult he needs to seek help if his mental health is bad. At least one of you need to thinking of whats best for DS, someone needs to be considering DS needs and your Ex is not able to be that person.

If you leave your family home without your son you will be making a big mistake. You will be abandoning your son. Do not move out before getting legal advice.

If you signed anything without getting your own legal advice then it is probably worthless. But you need to speak to a solicitor to find out, not MN.

I really cannot understand why you are wittering away on a Social Media site rather than employing the best divorce lawyer you can.

Do you actually want to do something about your child's custody, or do you just want tea, sympathy and unqualified opinions?

Fucks sake stop banging on about coming out and stop dating. You're a parent - prioritise your kid and your separation.

Rights of Women offer free legal advice OP, please get some proper advice before you do anything else, he's manipulating you
rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Either stay where you are or leave with your son. I suggest the latter. Your ex cannot stop you taking him, the police will not intervene. It may be better to get some advice from Women’s Aid and if possible move to a place of safety with your son, as your ex sounds dangerous to be around.

Having read your updates op I don't think you are prioritising your son either to leave him with a man that can't care for him. That's the truth of it and you are expected to go and provide that care as an unpaid carer. (In which case son needs to live with you)

The document isn't binding in anyway and can be thrown in the bin. But your ex is trying to control you and continue the abusive relationship. You both need to get out of it.

If you are still planning to move you need to take your son with you and tell your ex that you will sort it out via the courts given he isn't able to provide the care your son needs and he will need to learn to make adjustments for that to happen.

There is no debate here - your suns physical and emotional needs must come first and your ex has told you that he can't meet those needs.

Leave and take DS with you. Even if the document was legally binding which I doubt ex would have to take it to court to try and enforce it. Your Ex has admitted he can't provide adequate care for DS, or he wouldn't need you there. I would not leave my child with this man.

Agreeing with others, do not leave your DS.

Sign the tenancy, make your new home, use it to get space away from your ex and call Women’s Aid and sort divorce stuff. But stay overnight in the home your DS is in. For stability for him - that is what you tell ex. We need to take this change slowly you tell ex. In the meantime get your DS comfortable coming to your new flat and sort out a lawyer quickly.

Your ex sounds unstable and that’s a terrible environment to willingly give up your custody of your DS to him. Please don’t do that. Your DS needs to stay with you as his father cannot adequately care for him and stability from you is what he needs, not the house he lives in.

[quote pokingthebear]@AryaStarkWolf Yeah I know, I do feel very guilty about it. It's the result of a super religious upbringing. It wasn't until a point when ex and I were seperated and I was single for the first time in my adult life, that I found myself drawn to women! Still took a few years longer for ex to ask me cos how do you tell your husband that you're gay???[/quote]
Well I wish you all the best for the future, sounds like your ex wasted no time in moving on anyway. Don't let him bully you into doing anything you're not comfortable with, you're relationship with your son isn't under his control

oof