Me , my partner and his ex who is always around .

[Glitterypinkpants]

I find it difficult that my partners ex is so close to his family .

The ex is often with my my partners parents and his brother and sister. This Is So cousins can play and the grand parents can see grandchildren. And because they are friends!!
I know logically that of course this makes sense and this is a lovely thing and that after years the ex wouldn’t just disappear from a family if they still get on.

However ...
I feel like I am in the way when I am around that and I cause everyone to feel awkward when I am around . I’m sure people must think I have upset this unit . I can assure you my partner was single when I met him and there was no cross over of relationships .

As the ex is invited to every family event ,Is always at Christmas holidays , beach days , bank holidays Celebrations and hosts BBQ and parties I always feel like it is impossible for me to ever see my partners family without her and I constantly feel awkward, embarrassed and in the way and paranoid people dislike me .

I tell My partner and he Is empathetic but then becomes frustrated and explains this for the children and I am an adult and I need to get on with it . He reassures me everyone likes me . I then end up feeling totally frustrated and alone and sick of being in this position .

This weekend has been awful as yet again. I feel like some scarlet woman who has wrecked a home and is sitting around at my partners ex house with his family who probably wish I wasn’t there !

My partners ex and i had a huge argument around 3 years ago when we first met since then i feel it was clear she didn’t like me , was manipulative and made it clear that if she wanted my ex she would be with him and was very aggressive .
Of course my partner said she was just being abit out of character as she had drank a few and was in a bad place . Since then I see her very negatively and feel she is fake and unkind . She can be very rude to my partner on the phone and I feel she is selfish.

It is important to note my partners family are never rude to me.

Please give me some advice.
Do I need counselling to build my self esteem?
Do I need to grow up !?

The only thing you can control here is your reaction to the situation.
It seems your partner, his family and his ex are all comfortable being a big family with you also included. You say they are all nice to you.
It’s your inner anxiety that is making things hard for you.
Perhaps some counselling or something that will help your self esteem would be useful?
I’m on the other side of this situation. I am still good friends with my ex’s family and we often do big family things together. I’m really welcoming and happy for his partner to be part of the family and this works well. It would be awkward if she felt awkward but for no real reason and I don’t think the solution would be for me (or your partners ex) to remove ourself from the situation.
In the kindest way possible, this is a good thing that everyone is grown up enough to all be a blended family and no one gets excluded. Try your best to embrace it and feel confident in yourself that they want you there, you deserve to be there and you can stop feeling self conscious

As above, the only thing that needs changing in this situation is your reaction to it. It's good for kids and families to be able to remain so friendly.
And as for the way the ex talks to the partner, it has nothing to do with you, and is up to the ex to deal. Don't get involved, you'll end up the bad guy.
Perhaps this isn't the relationship for you?

I don't think this sounds like the relationship for anybody OP. It all sounds very stressful.

I think if it’s been three years then it’s clear she really is just part of the extended family with no agenda. Maybe she was funny with you three years ago but it sounds like you’re his first serious relationship since they split so maybe she was being a bit arsey and jealous - it’s not easy to see your ex with someone else for a lot of people.

I think this has now become your problem because his family have always been nice to you and sounds like no one has actually treated you like a scarlet woman. Sounds more like you feel threatened by her and her history with your partner which will always be there because they share children together. I think it’s sad that people feel no family time can be spent together once a couple breaks up.

If there’s kids involved I’m afraid you’ll have to suck it up and deal with it.

If it helps, I’m still rather involved with my ex’s family as my son needs to see his cousins and his grandparents but I’d rather saw my toes off than get back with my ex! We all just get along for the sake of my son, when my ex gets a new girlfriend I won’t feel any resentment towards her, but she’ll have to deal with the fact that I exist.

I think a lot of families have setups like this, the interests of the kid come first. Just hold your head up and don’t be bothered by her, or fake it until you make it, I guess.

Hey

I know exactly how you feel with this. When I got with my partner, he'd been apart from his ex for a year - and had been with her for 6 years before that. She is NOT the mother to his son (who lives with us full time bar the occasional weekend with his mum), but because she'd been in his life when he was very young, at a time when his own mother was AWOL, she acted in that role, even though he always called her by her first name, never 'Mum'.

His family were gutted when they split up. DP initiated it, as things had just gone stale over time and he didn't love her - they also had nothing in common anymore.

His family insisted on continuing to invite her to things like birthdays and Christmases, which he found awkward to the extent that he stopped going, and SHE would pick his son up and take him with her!

When we got together he introduced me to his family and I always felt there was a bit of an air that they still wished he was with his ex. He explained that it would never happen, there had been a year in between them splitting and us even meeting.

They continued to invite her to family events, and she would even show up at events that WE were hosting.

What makes this super difficult is that she is a genuinely nice person, she did nothing wrong in their relationship, and she's never been nasty about me in any way (that I know of anyway haha).

But when she's there with the family at the same time as me, it's just so awkward because it's perfectly clear that they treat her as a member of the family, and me as a stranger - even though our relationship is now almost as long as theirs was by the end!!

It's something we just have to grin and bear, and it is better I suppose that she is a nice person, but I've never felt accepted because they just make it abundantly clear that SHE is their daughter in law and I'm just some girl their son is dating temporarily.

How they are doing it is the correct, good, positive way for the dc. But I totally get why it's difficult for you. Because they have maintained the family dynamics, you are the guest, the one off so to speak. That's a damn hard position unless you are very good at asserting yourself and finding your place in this menagerie.

I think in their eagerness to stay family positive they have forgotten to make room for you (you're the easiest to overlook and be asked to get on with it). So perhaps if things had been a little less blended at times in the start, you could have found your place without ex being there all the time.

But that's a little late, you could try one more time to explain to your dp that you never found your place in HIS set up and that's what makes you insecure. Perhaps arrange dinner/visits only for inlaws yourself from time to time, not attend all gatherings and do your own thing. Or be you, claim your space, think 'Modern Family' Gloria and be you.

I am surprised by people's responses.

The ex can spend time with her own extended family. And the kids can spend time with their grandparents etc when they are with their dad. Why does the ex have to be there as well?

If they are desperate to see each other then I would think it reasonable to keep it all separate. Let the new partner come to the gatherings and let the ex visit by themselves.

OP this obviously isn;t going to change so personally I would get out and hope to find someone who is on the same page when it comes to exes and when and where you see them!

@Chamomileteaplease

To show the child that they’re still a family, not two separate families? Should I never see my ex in-laws again, who I like, and who like me, because I no longer want to be with my ex?
Split families can be complicated, but the better everyone gets on the better for the child- rather than acting like mummy is banished from daddy’s family and vice versa.

I think this situation is preferable to one of animosity.. Sets a good example to the children and wider family.
I would probably invite some of your partners family to your house on separate occasions to try and develop a bond.

@Mumoblue but surely in a way they are two separate families now?

They no longer live together and one in this situation has another partner. Things move on.

Mummy doesn't have to be banished from the daddy's family but she could only come to a few occasions and visit them by herself at other times if she really wants to.

If everyone is happy, fine but I can see how the majority of the time, they wouldn't be.

The kids now have separated parents and presumably live in two houses; it would make sense that family occasions change too. IMO anyway .

@Chamomileteaplease
In a way yes and in a way no. As a kid of a blended family myself I never thought of myself as having two families. You don’t think of your nan or your aunt as a separate family just because they don’t live with you- and for me it was the same with my dad.

I agree ex shouldn’t be there for everything (and I certainly wouldn’t want to spend all the time at my ex’s) but I think it’s normal for them to be at things like birthday parties for cousins.

Do you have children with your partner? If not, I'd be off. I couldn't be doing with that sort of thing, where you feel like the outsider. He's like a dog with two dicks, isn't he?

Yh its all great and all but personally not something i could deal with

I'm surprised you've stuck it out as long as you have, it would put me off from the start.
However, as you're in it now, I'd be tempted to not go to every celebration or beach day out ( sounds like torture). Have your own BBQ, with your own friends, but don't invite the GP's, as it sounds like they are more of an issue than the ex. You may find that she doesn't have the balls to turn up with your friends if the GP's aren't there to support her. But if she does, at least you won't have the GP's to contend with.

OP does the ex have s partner?
If so are they invited ? How do they feel ?

I tell My partner and he Is empathetic but then becomes frustrated and explains this for the children and I am an adult and I need to get on with it . He reassures me everyone likes me . I then end up feeling totally frustrated and alone and sick of being in this position .

I agree with him. You need to either get over this very quickly, and realise that in all likelihood they don't feel negatively about you, or give up on the relationship. You have to accept that you will have an ex hanging around when you get together with a man who has kids. Suck it up or leave. You can't change things.

I wouldnt ever get together with a man who has kids. It's not a situation I want to be in, sometimes the exs can be crazy or annoying or difficult and I don't want to deal with it. I also don't want to look after someone else's kids. You've decided you are fine with it, so you have to get over this.

If I were you I would probably avoid socialising with his family. You may "have to get over it" in the sense that you can't stop it from happening, but you certainly do not have to make yourself uncomfortable.

Has the ex not got a new boyfriend yet?
That will change the dynamics.
Who ended it with who?

The one thing that strikes me is why does the ex have to come to everything? Doesn't she have a family as well to go to. Don't her parents like to see their grandchildren at Christmas too?

I would take a long hard look at this and wonder why she is always there and I do not think I would be able to feel comfortable around this sort of arrangement.

To show the child that they’re still a family, not two separate families?

When parents separate they do become two separate families though. I think it’s a bit weird almost pretending the two parents are still together like this and may confuse the children.

I would feel weird and awkward about it too OP, I don’t think many people would be thrilled to spend so much time with their partner’s ex.

OP Does he share the care of his children with his ex? Do they stay with you or do they live with their mum?

On the times they see grandparents etc does she really need to be there if they live with you some of the time?

I wouldn't like it either OP. Fair enough the odd occasion but not everyone. If it makes you feel bad and gives you anxiety I would stop going to most gatherings and maybe even rethink where I stand in my relationship.

Yeah I wouldn't like this. I think it's good to set an example for the kids and get together occasionally but not all the time.

I'm really not sure how you'd approach it without massively upsetting the Apple cart and coming out looking like the bad one though. Very tricky and really quite unfair on you especially considering you had a row with her.

Could you suggest seeing your DPs family when he doesn't have his DCs, so that you have chance to get to know them? It might help you to feel part of the family? Something like going out for a meal with his parents?