Me , my partner and his ex who is always around .

[Glitterypinkpants]

I find it difficult that my partners ex is so close to his family .

The ex is often with my my partners parents and his brother and sister. This Is So cousins can play and the grand parents can see grandchildren. And because they are friends!!
I know logically that of course this makes sense and this is a lovely thing and that after years the ex wouldn’t just disappear from a family if they still get on.

However ...
I feel like I am in the way when I am around that and I cause everyone to feel awkward when I am around . I’m sure people must think I have upset this unit . I can assure you my partner was single when I met him and there was no cross over of relationships .

As the ex is invited to every family event ,Is always at Christmas holidays , beach days , bank holidays Celebrations and hosts BBQ and parties I always feel like it is impossible for me to ever see my partners family without her and I constantly feel awkward, embarrassed and in the way and paranoid people dislike me .

I tell My partner and he Is empathetic but then becomes frustrated and explains this for the children and I am an adult and I need to get on with it . He reassures me everyone likes me . I then end up feeling totally frustrated and alone and sick of being in this position .

This weekend has been awful as yet again. I feel like some scarlet woman who has wrecked a home and is sitting around at my partners ex house with his family who probably wish I wasn’t there !

My partners ex and i had a huge argument around 3 years ago when we first met since then i feel it was clear she didn’t like me , was manipulative and made it clear that if she wanted my ex she would be with him and was very aggressive .
Of course my partner said she was just being abit out of character as she had drank a few and was in a bad place . Since then I see her very negatively and feel she is fake and unkind . She can be very rude to my partner on the phone and I feel she is selfish.

It is important to note my partners family are never rude to me.

Please give me some advice.
Do I need counselling to build my self esteem?
Do I need to grow up !?

Can you not just simply admit to yourself that this just isn't working for you? You can love someone and still need to leave them, and a relationship is supposed to make you feel good, not insecure and stressed out.

The dynamic of this family doesn't work for you. That's the truth. I would move on.

@Whyhello

I don’t think spending time with an ex in the interest of the child counts as “pretending” and it never confused me when my dad and my mum and stepdad all hung out together.

I get why a new partner wouldn’t be thrilled about it, but I actually think it shows maturity.

To add to what I said above, I'm also wary of people who keep their ex so enmeshed in their lives, even if they have children together. After a divorce, it just isn't normal that the ex is a part of absolutely everything.

I wouldn't be at all happy with the scale of this at all...the odd important occasion where people can't split themselves in two, like the children's important birthdays, graduations etc where both parents should ideally be there would be fine obviously but this has gone way beyond that. I fail to see why the ex-wife needs to be at wider family occasions if their Dad is there. Sadly though, this scenario seems to be working for everyone except you OP so you either find a way to accept/manage it (including not attending this plethora of events, what's that all about anyway?) or you leave the relationship. For what it's worth, I can totally see your perspective. The only family occasion I've been at since my ex-husband and I split is his mothers funeral sadly.

Thank goodness my PIL very much dislike my DHs exes and so therefore would never socialise with them. I feel for you, tbh I’d think after so long you’d have slotted in to the family dynamics but you haven’t and that probably speaks for itself, you deserve to be happy OP, don’t just settle.

**This weekend has been awful as yet again. I feel like some scarlet woman who has wrecked a home and is sitting around at my partners ex house with his family who probably wish I wasn’t there !

But you aren't, you were all single, so don't tell yourself this.

The thing is there will always be gatherings eg weddings, family parties, funerals, so the ex will be there. You don't want to be the one not invited because people want to spare your feelings and you're the only one fed up!

Can you befriend the other family members more? Even just to convince yourself you have a place there.

(It does sound good for the children).

Logically, if Children suppose to spend 50%-50% time with the divorced parents. Why is they ex need to be there at all? Does she not have a new partner? What if she gets one soon, and he has children too? It would be too much for me too, I’m sure.

Hi ,
Thank you to all for replies .

In life when I am frustrated I am generally frustrated with myself .

I love my partner and his children and I want them to be happy and therefore I need to build my self esteem and when I go to these events , I need to stop my paranoia ( easier said then done ) and try to remember I have done nothing wrong , I am a good step mom and a polite daughter in law ! I’m not cruella de vill . I am going to these events to support my partner the same way he supports me in life . It is essential we can all be together for children’s birthdays and important events .

However at times like Christmas or my partners birthday or certain bank holidays - these can be spent with my family or I can express I am happy to meet everyone on x day but I am not comfortable doing 4 days !

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant with twins ! I believe once I have my own babies I will be so busy and excited I won’t have time to sweat the small stuff anyone . I try and be a good person and that’s all I can do . I will work on mu confidence and
I will now try and enjoy these events and see them as an opportunity to meet with people ! Not see them as some sort of hellish test .

I will stop moaning to my partner as then he can relax and enjoy time with his kids and family . I will ensure I see my family also and I will enjoy my new babies !

I have made the decision that I am going to be a sexy and confused woman from now on and accept if people don’t like me when I’m trying my hardest to be kind and positive then that’s on them !

All I can do is control my mind and I refuse to be a prisoner in it anymore !

Thank you !!!!!!!!

Confident * not confused !

I would not be ok with it and it be a relationship dealbreaker for me right from the start.

Hmm, you're very understanding OP, sounds like you're very supportive of him and he's not particularly supportive of you - this is a big ask of any partner.

It would put me off aswell and I’m surprised a lot of people think it’s fine. I wouldn’t want my ex attending my family’s events with our kids, because I can do that, and I don’t attend his with our kids either.

When I initially met DP his ex still saw his family a fair bit, but not at the same time as us and didn’t come to events etc. She still sometimes visits his family with their child on their birthday etc, but again at a seperate time to us. My DP doesn’t mind this, if I was my DP personally I wouldn’t like that as I feel he should get to take his own child to his own family, rather than his ex doing it, but I let him get on with it.

I also think it might be fine whilst ex is single, but what when they meet someone else? Is that someone going to want to go and visit her exes family with the kids for a get together? There is blended, then there’s extra IMO.

I don’t think it’s harmful for kids to have 2 seperate family’s as long as their parents coparent well and get on and everyone is civil.

I think this is a very uncomfortable situation for any new partners and don’t think it’s really fair to put people in that position.

I think the it's nice to spend the odd occasion all together (kids' birthdays etc.) but every event/ family BBQ is a bit much!

And yes the DC should come first, but surely you partner has a responsibly to make you feel happy and comfortable too?

You're allowed to be happy and a part of your own family. She left the family and should be the one on the outskirts, not you!

I.m not your DPs ex, but I am the ex still part of the family.
I love this family, my MIL is one of my best friends. My ex choose to cheat and leave me, I was told by his family that no way was I being cast out.
To be honest I hated the OW. But she was a gold digger and I had been her friend, and she though my ex had money.
He split up with her in the end, I really liked his next partner, you won't change the ex, but you can invite his parents for a meal, or see his siblings if he invites them out.