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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Broke up then almost together again

34 replies

NIsense · 01/06/2021 08:46

Broke up with partner 3 months ago, and now we are getting back together again. I was so upset at the time, I told one of my neighbours. Now my partner is coming back to my home, and I am worried my neighbour will say something to her about the breakup. I am desperately worried about this because I never told my partner that I spoke to the neighbour. I feel terrible for saying anything. My neighbour is a good person. Does anybody think they will say something or am I worrying too much?

OP posts:
category12 · 01/06/2021 09:03

Does the neighbour know your ex to speak to? It would be an odd thing to bring up as passing conversation.

And what on earth did you tell them that you're scared they'd share? (Or is the neighbour a potential romantic interest?)

You are allowed to talk to people about things happening in your life if you want.

You could always speak to your neighbour again and say "ex is coming back, we've sorted it out, please be discreet about what I told you" .

Itsprobablynothingbut · 01/06/2021 09:04

What are you worried about? If you split up you're allowed to talk about it to people. Did you say some unflattering things about your partner, or something you wouldn't want her to find out about? If it is just that you split up and got back together then that is absolutely fine for you to have told someone. And no reason she should have been told about the conversation

Original poster
NIsense · 01/06/2021 09:15

@category12

Does the neighbour know your ex to speak to? It would be an odd thing to bring up as passing conversation.

And what on earth did you tell them that you're scared they'd share? (Or is the neighbour a potential romantic interest?)

You are allowed to talk to people about things happening in your life if you want.

You could always speak to your neighbour again and say "ex is coming back, we've sorted it out, please be discreet about what I told you" .

Hi. My neighbour knows my ex. I just told her we split up at the time. I did speak to her later and asked her not to talk about it. I'm worried because I live somewhere where everyone knows each other and may blurt it out to my ex
OP posts:
category12 · 01/06/2021 09:21

But what's the problem?

You split up, you spoke to a neighbour about how you were feeling - you haven't done anything wrong here? It's normal to seek external support/feedback.

What are you afraid will happen? Will your ex kick off if they know you spoke to someone? Is the break up some dirt of secret?

Please expand about what you think you've done wrong?

Original poster
NIsense · 01/06/2021 09:24

@Itsprobablynothingbut

What are you worried about? If you split up you're allowed to talk about it to people. Did you say some unflattering things about your partner, or something you wouldn't want her to find out about? If it is just that you split up and got back together then that is absolutely fine for you to have told someone. And no reason she should have been told about the conversation
Didnt say anything unflattering about her. I was selling my house at the time and the sale fell thru. The strain of the house sale caused the breakup. That's all I said to my neighbour. I have mentioned since then that my ex and I are ok now, and left it at that. Hopefully when they see her again, they will bite therye tongues. Feel like I let my ex down talking in the 1st place
OP posts:
JorisBonson · 01/06/2021 09:25

You posted this yesterday.

Original poster
NIsense · 01/06/2021 09:39

@category12

But what's the problem?

You split up, you spoke to a neighbour about how you were feeling - you haven't done anything wrong here? It's normal to seek external support/feedback.

What are you afraid will happen? Will your ex kick off if they know you spoke to someone? Is the break up some dirt of secret?

Please expand about what you think you've done wrong?

guess I'm afraid my ex will indeed kick off if she finds out I spoke to someone. The issue is that my ex is extremely private
OP posts:
Original poster
NIsense · 01/06/2021 09:40

@JorisBonson

You posted this yesterday.
Yes. But only got one answer. The issue has been annoying all nite.
OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 01/06/2021 09:57

Extremely private...or extremely nuts?

Seriously, unless you slagged her off, it's not a big deal. And if you're this worried about how this person is going to react about a tiny thing you did when you were not even together...is she really the sort of partner you want back?

Just saying, sometimes breakups should remain breakups. There will be plenty of other stressful situations in life and you've already seen this one cant weather them.

And you're so insecure about her that you are kept up all night by the fact that you told someone you split up...when you split up. And think she'll find that a betrayal. She sounds hard work.

Think I'd concentrate on selling your house and having a fresh start. Rather than going over old unstable ground.

Itsprobablynothingbut · 01/06/2021 10:00

Even very private people should understand that others might need support and human contact after an event like a break up, not everyone has the same approach.

What does this 'kicking off' look like, do you find it quite intimidating?

litterbird · 01/06/2021 10:03

Reading through this makes me think you should be staying apart. What are you frightened of really? Is your partner aggressive or passive aggressive. If you are worried about how they will react because you did a normal thing and spoke to someone about your split then really think clearly if this is the partner for you. What is going to happen when another stressful event happens....you split again? You get back again? As another poster says....break ups happen for a reason and should remain that way. Think carefully to what you are doing.

GroggyLegs · 01/06/2021 10:04

What do you think your partner will do if she finds out you mentioned it to the neighbour?

Original poster
NIsense · 01/06/2021 10:08

@Itsprobablynothingbut

Even very private people should understand that others might need support and human contact after an event like a break up, not everyone has the same approach.

What does this 'kicking off' look like, do you find it quite intimidating?

Yes, kicking off by my ex is not nice. But when is it ever for anyone.
OP posts:
category12 · 01/06/2021 10:09

guess I'm afraid my ex will indeed kick off if she finds out I spoke to someone. The issue is that my ex is extremely private

Ah.

This doesn't sound great. It's an entirely normal thing to speak to people about a break up.

Your ex doesn't have the right to expect your complete silence and keeping everything to yourself about your relationship, particularly during a split.

There's a grey area between privacy and discretion between a couple and being able to speak to external people for feedback and support when needed.

If you're getting back together, surely you should be able to say "I talked to so-and-so about us splitting up cos I was upset" and while they may not love it, they'd hopefully say "well I guess you needed to talk to someone". If you're afraid of their reaction, maybe getting back together might not be the right thing?

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 10:11

Why are you getting together with this person when you’re so scared of them?

Triffid1 · 01/06/2021 10:15

But you were broken up. Your ex has no say over what you did or did not do while you were not together. If she is so terrifying that your behaviour when you're not together is an issue, then it's not clear to me why you'd even get back together with her int he first place.

Also interesting that you keep referring to her as your ex even though you're supposedly getting back together.

Umberellatheweatha · 01/06/2021 10:19

OP healthy relationships dont contain much 'kicking off' though. They certainly dont involve worrying yourself sick about how tiny things you've done might cause a big argument (or silent treatment? Or breakup threats?).

I mean, if anything was said, or the next time she brings up the neighbour, could you not just say 'ah I was talking to Mary a few months back and mentioned the sale of the house fell through and we split up and that I was waiting on the third bad thing to happen...and she was saying *such and such about her life'.

Original poster
NIsense · 01/06/2021 10:24

I just want advice on whether my neighbour will say anything is all - when they see my partner again. I told them not to mention anything. The suggestion of whether I should remain with my partner is not the question here.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/06/2021 10:28

There is no advice we can give about that. Either they will or they won't. You've asked the neighbour for discretion and you say they're a nice person, so it's unlikely.

It should be more of a worry to you that you're shit scared of being honest and open with your partner because of how they react.

Original poster
NIsense · 01/06/2021 10:35

@category12

There is no advice we can give about that. Either they will or they won't. You've asked the neighbour for discretion and you say they're a nice person, so it's unlikely.

It should be more of a worry to you that you're shit scared of being honest and open with your partner because of how they react.

That's something I need to work on with her I guess.
OP posts:
baileys6904 · 01/06/2021 10:36

You should never be scared of how a partner will react, especially to something so insignificant as telling someone of a split, when it did actually happen.

I've had shit relationships but I've only just realised exactly how shit they were from being in a healthy one. Would u kick off if your ex told the neighbour? If no, then why accept it from the ex?

Umberellatheweatha · 01/06/2021 10:37

It's not a case of she thinks you fancy that neighbour is it?

In which case I could see why it would be a problem for her that you told her.

billy1966 · 01/06/2021 10:43

OP,
You sound afraid of your Ex.

Why are you moving someone you are scared of back into your home????

Original poster
NIsense · 01/06/2021 10:44

@Umberellatheweatha

It's not a case of she thinks you fancy that neighbour is it?

In which case I could see why it would be a problem for her that you told her.

No I dont fancy the neighbour! Am I worrying over nothing is all since I told them to say nothing.
OP posts:
Original poster
NIsense · 01/06/2021 10:46

They are not vindictive people, so are not out to get me by stating something I asked them not to.

OP posts:
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