Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I always get broken up with for the same reason

58 replies

swanlakesteps · 31/05/2021 20:46

All 3 of my relationships have ended because the other person thinks I'm too good for them. They say that I deserve better and that they think they don't deserve me.

I feel like I'm doing something wrong because it's the same reason every time, but I don't know what. I just needed to have a short vent on here because I'm so tired of it happening Sad.

OP posts:
TheLastLotus · 31/05/2021 22:36

From your updates you either keep choosing people with problems or are too accommodating as to be boring...

TheLastLotus · 31/05/2021 22:38

*boring to people who may want some drama, or are not quite settled yet.

What sort of profession are you in - and what were they? Can you try going for people who are at a stable place in their lives, have done all the emotional legwork blah and are looking for someone nice to settle down with?

FillerAngel · 31/05/2021 22:41

You either probably very conventional and unexciting OR mediocre in bed. Or both. Nice to have dinner with but no great shakes for the long haul. I have only ever used that break up line in these circs.

mrscoxaools · 31/05/2021 22:47

I too think it's a line which means you're too boring.

I'm interested in why you think you are more happy and stable than the average?
I'm both happy and stable, but have no idea how that compares to others....most people I know are happy and stable?

Are you surrounded by people who like drama? And you are the boring one?

AfterSchoolWorry · 31/05/2021 22:51

'You're too good for me' is a euphemism for I've seen someone I'd like to fuck around with.

Flowers500 · 31/05/2021 23:17

That line is used a lot and has never once meant that...

It's either an empty platitude or means boring/no spark/totally dramaless/marriage without the honeymoon. It means nothing is WRONG but it's just not right.

What characteristics do you bring to dating? You picked out happy and stable--could you work on how to bring some more exciting elements (like sexiness or spontaneity or excitement) to a relationship?

Gilda152 · 31/05/2021 23:32

This is a common line but I believe it's a honest reflection of the truth that a person who doesn't want you anymore doesn't "deserve you" because they know their lack of caring for you will lead to you getting hurt by them. I've used this line and also had it used on me. In that moment,the person saying it is I believe being genuine because they know what you don't yet know - that you're not of enough value to them to matter and you deserve better than that as everyone does. It's a standard line of a person wishing to leave their relationship and being self aware enough to know that you're going to get hurt even worse than a break up if it carries on.

OldWomanSaysThis · 31/05/2021 23:51

I used this line once as a reason to leave a job - I quit because I'm not good enough for you and you deserve a better employee and I am happy to step aside - because they were total judgment arrogant jerks who would NEVER find someone to accommodate all of their demands - but I wished them ALL THE BEST to find that person that doesn't exist - lol - a GOOD LUCK to you.

Not sure if that carries over into relationships or if it's just a throw-away - it's not you, it's me type of line.

NightoftheLivingBread · 01/06/2021 00:07

@Gilda152

This is a common line but I believe it's a honest reflection of the truth that a person who doesn't want you anymore doesn't "deserve you" because they know their lack of caring for you will lead to you getting hurt by them. I've used this line and also had it used on me. In that moment,the person saying it is I believe being genuine because they know what you don't yet know - that you're not of enough value to them to matter and you deserve better than that as everyone does. It's a standard line of a person wishing to leave their relationship and being self aware enough to know that you're going to get hurt even worse than a break up if it carries on.
Agree.
expat101 · 01/06/2021 00:09

Were they just looking for a quickie/short thing and not a long-term relationship?

Meaning you are the type of someone that they could see spending the rest of their lives with, but not this time around?

Maria53 · 01/06/2021 00:56

This has happened to me twice. In both cases the men cited my looks as the reason - by the way, they weren't breaking up with me. Just saying they felt inferior.

I suppose it is true, they were average looking but gorgeous to me. One of their friends didn't help by saying I was out of their league as well.

I absolutely hate being told this. Why do YOU think you are repeatedly told this OP? Think @Gilda152 made a good point.

HeddaGarbled · 01/06/2021 01:27

3 relationship break-ups are par for the course. Most of us go through a fair number of break-ups before we settle down, if ever. I had more than 10.

“You’re too good for me” is code for “I don’t fancy you any more” or “you irritate me” or “I don’t like you” or some other brutal reason that your exes are too nice to say out loud.

I’m sorry, I know it’s hard. We’ve all been there. But you just to have to accept that you weren’t compatible and try not to let it knock you back too much. To use another line: it’s not you, it’s them.

SamanthaChumbaMumba · 01/06/2021 01:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SkedaddIe · 01/06/2021 04:27

I agree with @SamanthaChumbaMumba and pp, that it's usually one of those lines that you use when you want instant closure. I used it when I was sure that I didn't want the person, but I didn't think it was fair that they try to change themselves because there's nothing wrong with them and I wished them well.

That said I have also dated some proper narcissists too. I didn't particularly wish them well, but I had no more energy left to deal with their shit and so I wanted the easiest breakup possible.

Sakurami · 01/06/2021 05:41

Sounds like they think you're a really nice person but they're not attracted to you..or they have been emotionally unavailable?

TeddingtonTrashbag · 01/06/2021 05:41

Interesting that most people are saying it is just s line. I actually ‘broke up with’ ie stoped seeing a friend because age was too good! Always working for charity etc doing loads of good deeds always putting others first and it actually made me feel like a terrible person because I did not want to sign up to take elderly strangers to tea every week, help out fortnightly at a homeless shelter etc. Being around her made me feel inadequate so just stopped seeing her. Interestingly when I first met her she told me that her neighbours had seemed to be avoiding her for no reason she could think of. That puzzled me at the time but I later realised was quite likely the same reason I did.

honestlyhonest · 01/06/2021 05:48

@Opentooffers

So 2 women broke up with you, then had therapy before next contact. Are you happy and sorted in life, but maybe picking women who aren't? Perhaps you are trying to be a fixer, or in some way attracted to people who are a bit quirky as they are different, therefore intriguing?
I agree with pp

'Third times a charm' as they say. I think you need to look closer to home op?

TheLastLotus · 01/06/2021 10:24

@TeddingtonTrashbag it’s not just that though - surely it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t keep being shoved in your face?
I know a couple of those types. One always talks about it ( the same way I suppose you’d discuss a weekend or night out). Is also a bit judgy and tries to convince me to join him. The other has better things to talk about and doesn’t make me feel inadequate...

Crikeyalmighty · 01/06/2021 11:18

Some people are just drama llamas whether in same sex relationships or not and like that constant ‘drama’ — someone who has no element of drama to them and after a while simply bores them because the drama is missing — and I suspect this is the case here— it isn’t that you are too good for them- it’s that you have no element of being bad for them and they thrive on that— just a guess as I don’t know you.

BillMasen · 01/06/2021 11:47

@Ozymandias101

Are the other people in these relationships men? If so, they are probably being factually correct. Although I wouldn't expect that amount of self reflection and honesty from the average human male.
Well aren’t you a charmer
Bancha · 01/06/2021 11:56

It means nothing is WRONG but it's just not right.

This would be my reading of that too. Like, they know you are a great partner, tick all the boxes, but the chemistry/connection/intrigue isn’t there. Maybe feels a bit boring to them. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad reflection on you, but maybe you need to consider starting relationships with people who are more stable and therefore more likely to be able to accept a safe, predictable partner. People who find healthy relationships boring are often not ready to ‘settle down’, whatever that means.

BobGalaxy · 01/06/2021 12:05

I have felt like this in a past relationship. For me, it was linked to low self esteem and MH issues. My ex was a confident, successful, ambitious, charismatic person and I just felt like I didn't match him at all in those areas. I always felt inadequate and like he deserved a more equal partner long term. Perhaps it's something like that?

Welikebeingcosy · 01/06/2021 12:16

I think you pick insecure people

booboo24 · 01/06/2021 18:11

Sadly I agree, it's a line, usually it's guilt talking I've found, they genuinely believe it because they're treating you like crap (cheating in my experience).

booboo24 · 01/06/2021 18:17

Actually thinking about it, that line was trotted out while we were together, I THEN found out he was cheating and the comment made sense!