I don't want to feel like this anymore

[Icegems4]

I'm sat here in tears. For 8 months I've exhausted myself emotionally over someone. I have never been in this situation before. I've always had normal relationships but this man somehow has affected me and broken me down. Now I'm just a mess and can't seem to snap out of this horrible cycle. I can't afford therapy. I've listened to things online. But I'm still struggling.

This man actually doesn't have any good points and his value in my life is not much. For three months he fooled me into believing he was a solid hard working man with high morals when it came to realtionships. But over time more and more things have come to light and it was so gradual I couldn't see it happening.

I'm now at a point where I can see everything but I feel trapped. I don't live with him. But emotionally I can't seem to get away.

He knows how to make you feel so secure and then his mood will completely change. Friday night we were having a wonderful night. Then over the weekend he's barely been speaking to me.

He's been lying to me and he hasn't realised he has been lying. His story changed both days. Also using terrible excuses to hours without responses from him.

I'm so sick of him sucking Me back in. I remember the good times and it makes me feel so much pain. I want to go back there when I felt safe. I am so confused. Has anyone got any advice?

If he's emotionally abusing you you could speak to women's aid? You don't need to be seeking a refuge to get support from them.

I think he is. He's a liar and has been very good at hiding stuff. He has picked at certain parts of me and been quite rude. But he will be extremely nice and allover me when he wants to be. But he goes through quiet days when you feel you mean nothing to him. He gets irritated and has often given me the silent treatment for several weeks at one point. I know he's bad and not good for me. But I can't break away. It's so stupid. There's so many things. I don't know where to start.

Google trauma bonding. It was absolutely enlightening for me.

Then block him on everything and keep reminding yourself that the 'good' times are not worth the bad. Getting over someone like that was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I finally got there. I don't even think it was love, it was the dopamine hit I got every time he was an arsehole then started being nice to me again. The first few weeks are rough, but you can do this.

You need to work on your self worth, self respect and your boundaries. I found videos on YouTube really helped as I didn't want to do counselling but you have have to be firm about wanting him out of your life and not let him suck you back in.

With everything that he happened over the last year, we have found ourselves vulnerable and needing social interaction. He has fed in this and taken advantage of you.

You’re clearly independent and can go it alone without him (just like you know you should)
You need to rip the plaster off and take control now. The weather is better and you can now meet friends and family and hopefully meet someone better for you.
He’s not a good person for you and you know this. By all means carry on contact for now but make yourself less available for him. Make plans with friends and get back out there. The less contact you have with him, the stronger you will feel. Until you feel strong enough to go compete no contact.
The other way is to do no contact straight away and say a big fuck you to this user. Good luck

Block him on everything.

Then give yourself time to mourn the ' good times' whilst also accepting they were probably all an act so he could have sex with you.

You deserve better.

It's good he does not live with you, I'm surprised he hasn't tried.

Thank you. I will look. He's broken me down from a happy relaxed person to egg shells and feeling constantly confused about where I stand. He's so cruel with it. I had seven weeks away from him and was just recovering and he returned. Then he's just been hit and miss. Some days he's wanting to buy me jewellery and telling me how he adores me. Then the next day it's like he can barely be bothered to ask me how I am.

He has depression and stuff. I also didn't find out he was an ex drinker until a few months in.

I'm finding out more and more stuff about him I don't like. When we had the seven weeks apart he seems to have befriended some rough young lads near where he lives. He's 45 and he's got these young men sitting in his house drinking and smoking. It's like I don't recognise him.

He's chasing me then pushing me away.

Today he didn't answer the phone to me. Then text three hours later to say he didn't hear it. Like he doesn't look at his phone for three hours! Claimed he was out walking his dog. But normally he would tell me where he was going.

He's just lying and allover me and then pushing me away. I'm constantly thinking he loves me. He hates me.

I will look at trauma bonding. Could that be the case for someone you are only dating? I'm not sure what we are because he changes his behaviour so much.

I will look at trauma bonding. Could that be the case for someone you are only dating? I'm not sure what we are because he changes his behaviour so much

Absolutely. We weren't even dating, it was a situationship, in that he wouldn't even commit to saying we were dating. However, objectively, we were in relationship, he just didn't want to 'put a label on it'

Looking back, I don't know why I put up with it, but when I discovered trauma bonding (after someone suggested it on here) it all became clear. Honestly, it was like my eyes had opened. There are tons of videos about it on YouTube and normally I'd recommend Richard Grannon but he seems to have to taken his stuff down. The best advice I heard was that you need to stop trying to work out why he's behaving as he is and accept that that that's who he is and concentrate on yourself and moving on. Start putting you at the forefront of your decisions from now on.

@TheWeeDonkeyIsMySpiritAnimal

Sounds so similar. Please can you share what he was like with you abit more please? How did he treat you?

When we first met, he lovebombed me. Texted me constantly, paid me compliments and said all the right things (i.e he was looking for a serious relationship etc). Then when I was sucked in, he'd start pulling me away. Leaving hours and days between texts, even though I could see he was online (it was a long distance relationship, which didn't help). When he did reply, it would be a one word answer. When he felt I was pulling away, he'd be back with the lovebombing and it would all start again.

I eventually went no contact for about six months but didn't block him and he reappeared one day and the cycle started again. I knew he was no good and I started to hate myself and how I was behaving. I absolutely craved his presence and my mental health started to suffer. One minute he was all over me and jealous if I talked to anybody else, the next he was saying that he didn't mind if dated other people and we weren't 'exclusive' (even though this had been going on a couple of years).

I know this is vague and doesn't seem that bad, but I haven't gone into detail as we'd be here all day (and there was much, much worse than this but I'm kind of embarrassed at how much shit I put up with😆). I can honestly say it one of the worst times in my life. When he being nice, he was absolutely everything I ever wanted in a man, but when he wasn't, he was cold and mean and did and said things to deliberately hurt me. It was like he was testing how far he could push me.

I'm worth more than that and so are you.

@TheWeeDonkeyIsMySpiritAnimal
I understand. It literally would take hours for me to write down our situation and everything that happened. I think it can break the strongest person down to nothing. It's just horrible and I don't know how it happened.

He's lives in my town and we met through a neighbour. Was convinced he would be a good guy being 15 years my senior. But he's honestly like a child still. He has put me through emotional hell. I can see he's destroyed all relationships around him. Not just me. His dad, his daughter etc. His brother disowned him too.

I also have realised now. I have my own house and stuff. He's renting. Got no furniture because his last girlfriend kept it all. He's got no money. He's just a disaster, but he just knows how to make me feel like crap and then make me feel so important to him.

I'm having the biggest cry whilst writing this and he's just text me to see what I'm doing. He's just been an absolute jerk this weekend. I don't understand how a person can be so hot and cold.

I need to seriously work on myself. I lasted seven weeks last time. I watched all the videos on YouTube. I was making positive changes. Then bam. He came back and I thought maybe this time away has made him realise he needs to make it work with me (I'm such a mug)

I think he knows deep down he doesn't have women fighting over him and he has nothing to offer. But I think when he was younger and did have more he was probably the same. I doubt this is something he's discovered in his 40s. He's actually had long term relationships in the past. Ones still his friend. I'd love to interview her because she must have been through worse than me. But she seems to like him still.

Thanks for sharing your experience. It really helps me. I hope this ugly cry helps me feel better.

I can completely understand how even long distance he got in your head. Alot of our early romance was on a phone. It is very powerful. Especially when they are sending gifts and phoning you every day.

How long have you been out of it? Please tell me you don't feel sad anymore.

I don't feel sad any more but it took a long time to get over him. However now I'm here, I'm happier in myself and I'm putting me first. I feel better than I have in years and now I know the signs, I won't ever let myself get into that situation again.

The best advice I can offer is to block him so he has no way of contacting you, if that's at all possible and if he's on social media don't give into the temptation of sneaking a peek because you'll set yourself back months. But also, if you do, don't be too hard on yourself either. There's a social media account on IG and Twitter called imdatfeminista which gives some tough love but also shares what others have been through (there's more of us than you'd think) and I found it really helpful and quite comforting.

It'll be tough to break it off but you're doing the best thing for your future self. Massive hugs to you and you can do this ❤️

As has been suggested by previous posters...

Research trauma bonding.
Make concrete plans for every day - friends, hobbies, projects etc - so you have no time to ruminate, remember the 'good times' or be tempted to contact him.
Block him on everything.

I'd add that Women Who Love Too Much* might resonate with you and provide you with strategies to focus on what is best for you instead of putting up with this emotional hell.

(* stupid title but an excellent book...)

Thank you for the suggestions. It's making me ill now. I need to break away this time and stay away.

It's so hard to explain to people that you can love and dislike someone at the same time.
I will keep myself busy and try focus on me and my children for the next few days. He upsets me everyday for various things.

Today he didn't like my profile picture but liked a stunning blondes he added this month. Never stops with him. Its like he purposely finds better looking women to try crack them. It sucks. I was so relieved when another he added got a boyfriend. That's how awful he makes me feel.

Trauma bonding, narcissism. Please block him on everything and go completely no contact - it's THE only way to begin to heal. And do your research on the narcissist.

Been there, done that. Never again!

He's a total fuckwit. The only way to get rid is to understand that, block and ignore and don't go running back when he fancies fucking with your head some more. It's not complicated

I promise you, blocking is the only way. You'd started to recover within that 7 weeks. And now he's back and messing with you again.
It's like ripping a plaster off. It's going to bloody hurt and will make you cry so so much. But one day it will hurt less and then one day you will realise you've not thought of him. It's awful, but the only way you can do it.

I am not in any kind of relationship but pparts of your posts strike a chord with things I have seen and experienced in the past with neighbours who had drinking problems:

"I'm finding out more and more stuff about him I don't like. When we had the seven weeks apart he seems to have befriended some rough young lads near where he lives. He's 45 and he's got these young men sitting in his house drinking and smoking. It's like I don't recognise him. "

Icegems4, I hope you don't mind me commenting on this part of your post. I have seen this happen to men who were neighbours in my blck of flats. they themselves were not big drinkers but because they had a secure place to live their flats were basically used as dosshouses by local drinkers and homelesss men. One in particular was basically exploited when he was ill by people who abandoned him as he lay dying. The constant coming and going and fighting and public pissing made the whole house insecure and a stinking mess. the result was either eviction or death and even as neighbours it took ages to recover.

Your friend sounds like he might be quite vulnerable in that way but you need to be wary of what he might have mentioned about you and your circumstances to these young men who you don't know. I only related as a (very annoyed ) neighbour but I was aware of my boundaries being constantly tested and having to be hard hearted.

Unfortunately it sounds like you'd be better off without this relationship.

Thanks for the replies.

As soon as I let him back I was so angry at myself yet It was like a relief he still was there. He's been so off with me today. I called him earlier and he just sounds really cold and hostile. It makes me feel like a nervous naughty Child. You can just get this sense he doesn't want you to bother him. But if I ask him about it he will go mad and blame me for being over paranoid or having too much time to worry. But he will make Me worry. Like virtually no contact for 24 hours when he usually is in contact with me most hours.

I feel like he doesn't like me today and it's the weirdest thing. But this is how it's been now for 8 months.

@cateycloggs

I totally understand you. He's an ex drinker like I say. But he's also fiery and quite able to stick up for himself. He has anger in him and obviously it's usually someone else's fault. So he's not vunerable from a taking the pee point of view. That said, he has said to me he'd rather get on with them than not! I actually said to him this morning so they just come doss in your house. He said "no they dont doss in my house, would you have your neighbours dossing in yours?"
So his reaction was very defensive.

The only way I can really explain it is he literally feels like two people. When he's nice. He mentions his ex alot and the things they did. He's easy to talk to. Kind. Loving. Full of compliments. Happy and cheeky.

But then he has this other side that's grumpy. Hard to read. Cold. Makes you feel annoying. He gets sarcastic and will make out you are doing his head in or confusing him. He makes you feel like on those days you do not have him and it makes me feel like I need to leave him alone. His communication is poor on those days too.

I get the blame for all problems we have too.

Take your control back and BLOCK HIM.

To be honest, it sounds like he is either drinking or using drugs - having binges when he is totally unreachable, then trying to charm you when he is sober. Why would he be allowing the younger men to stay if he isn't sharing whatever they are doing.?

as I said I am not in any relationship and one reason is I know I am too lazy to keep up andI am avoidant which he also sounds like. I don't think that is excusable if he is blaming you for his personality defects. Sounds like he will always do the easy thing like looking up other women on the internet but you don't have to go along with it. You don't seem to feel any joy in this so why bother?

Yes I am suspicious of something. But I'm not sure what. This is not how he was before we had that long break. I don't think it's alcohol. I do believe he's remained sober. But I'm suspicious of drugs.

He does have strong prescription painkillers but he stops and starts them.

I'm abit innocent in that world so i don't know how they react to things.
He's at work full time in the week. It's often the weekends he's off the planet sleeping.

Fed up of him anyway. I see no future now he's been back a while. It's clear to see he's a bigger idiot than before.

Well the good thing is you now know how you feel and how shit he makes you feel

And you don't want to feel like this anymore

Take back control. It really doesn't have to be like this.

He's a waste of space. Always will be.

Get rid of him once and for all. Block in everything. Focus on YOU

I agree with the poster above.

"Get rid of him once and for all. Block in everything. Focus on YOU"

Now quit complaining, stop creating a storm in a teacup, and get on with it!!!

Just realised I have misread your original post as saying one of the things he lied about was being 'hard-working'. I was assuming he was spending long periods of time at home with nothing to do hence the binges remark. But if he needs to take strong painkillers they are still drugss and I understand can affect moods and motivation. But still you don't have to understand him or make allowances if the relationship is causing you so much anxiety and affecting your life.