Is changing a phone PIN suspicious

[ladyfairy]

As above really, on its own is changing a phone PIN from one your OH knows to one they don't suspicious?

Could it be that they accidentally put in the wrong pin 3x, got locked out and were sent an email with a new pin?

Or have they perhaps changed it to fingerprint or facial recognition unlock as they realised it was possible / someone recommended it / they got bored of using the pin?

If it's used for work it could be a workplace policy.

There are many reasons other than cheating that he might suddenly want privacy.

We have the same PIN for both our phones. On the privacy point...it comes down to trust in all ways I think.

So, I would never snoop through his messages or check his email, nor would he do that to mine. It would be a violation of trust. I have, occasionally, asked to read a whastapp group discussion he's been in, or shown him part of one I'm in- things like, he's in the neighbourhood watch WhatsApp and I'm not but occasionally I like to catch up. But I ask each and every time, even though I'd happily pick up whatever phone was nearest to take a photo of our child, or google something, but I'd never look at anything 'personal' like messages without asking, and vice versa.

If he had said at the beginning, I want phones to be private, then fair enough. But - the change is the issue.

Unless you've been pushing boundaries, if you haven't changed, then it stands to reason something has changed for him, and yes I'd be worried what that was.

Every time my ex changed his phone pin, he was cheating. Every time (except once) I've changed mine it's because I've got something I don't want the people I live with to know about. (I don't have a partner.)

The one occasion I just changed it was because I thought someone had observed me putting it in, and I realised I used the same pin for a lot of stuff, which is really not best practise security wise.

So it could be innocent, or it could be not. I'd take into account other behaviours like sudden interest in going out after work, mentionitis, buying new clothes, change of work pattern.

So what were you trying to do on his phone when you realised the password had changed? And if you normally have access, and he doesn't mind, then it shouldn't be a big deal to ask him. Did you ask why he changed it?

DH wouldn't have a clue how often I change my phone pin as he doesn't know it, I also don't have his pin, they are our personal phones,

Isn't in some banks t&c about keeping your phone secure and not having all the family fingerprints on there.

@ThiagoSilvasToe

So what were you trying to do on his phone when you realised the password had changed? And if you normally have access, and he doesn't mind, then it shouldn't be a big deal to ask him. Did you ask why he changed it?

My mum had rang earlier (on his phone as I hadn't answered) and I wanted to call her back. My phone was upstairs on charge and he was upstairs.

Why I haven't asked him is a bit of a complicated one really, a few months ago I came across a pair of knickers in the wash that I didn't think were mine, they were a size that I haven't been for a while, tho I do yo-yo. I asked him and he had no idea, so I convinced myself that they must have been mine from years ago. I didn't really think too much about it as at the time I was having a really bad time and I had totally genuinely forgot about it, until I tried to put the PIN in and it wasn't right I had this rush of remembering

Part of the reason I asked the question on whether changing the pin on its own was suspicious is because I'm still not really sure that the knickers weren't mine and I didn't want to cloud people's judgement. Giving him the benefit of the doubt I suppose

My boyfriend knows my passcode and I know his but I still don’t like him, or anybody for that matter, using my phone. It’s MY phone. I have conversations with my friends where they confide in me about things they don’t want anybody else to know about, I have pictures of my bleeding eczema patches which I don’t really want him to see (he wouldn’t care at all, but I don’t feel comfortable. I even hate showing my doctor), there are really unflattering pictures of my body on there for motivation to get fit (again, he wouldn’t give a shit, he loves every inch of me but it’s not something I feel comfortable with), I have notes on my phone of things I could buy him for birthdays/Christmas/Valentine’s etc, I have a super in depth diary of my suicidal thoughts that I wouldn’t want him to read and worry about... because of how I feel, I really wouldn’t think twice about anybody changing their passcode.

I think you have an issue (don’t mean that nastily) if you are assuming that it’s something dodgy and you need to address that xx

Ignoring the rights and wrongs/ norms of having/not having access to your partner’s phone, if your status quo for you as a couple is to always have access to each others’ phones and know PINs, passcodes etc then this is a change you were not party to and I’d want to know why.
I never felt the need in decades to look at my husband’s personal phone or tech devices. We had a home laptop which I knew the password to in case I needed to use it occasionally. We both used it, it wasn’t ‘his’. I never even used to lock my phone and as far as I knew he didn’t lock his.
When I discovered he was having an affair I turned sleuth in my own interests as he had become a stranger to the truth, and I discovered that bloody everything had a passcode or password on it that was not surprisingly unknown to me.
If it normal to use each others’ phones, I’d pretend to leave mine at home when you go out and ask to borrow his whilst he’s driving. What happens next will be all you need to know.
To ask about the passcode issue just on its own, if there actually is something bad going on, gives him time to hide, delete, confuse and gaslight. You might not believe him capable of it now, I’d have bet my house that my husband of 30 years would never, ever have had an affair, but if there is an issue, you’ll be glad you didn’t give him the time to lock, delete and hide everything. Affairs change people horribly, to the point at which they become unrecognisable.

OP whilst I was typing, you posted above about the underwear.
I think you need to wait for a while before asking and see if anything else strikes you as odd. If there is anything untoward, the merest hint that you are suspicious will drive it underground. It might well be that he needed to change it for a security reason and he forgot to tell you, but if you’re concerned enough to post on here, your spidey senses are tingling and stuff is starting to link. Don’t ignore them. X

I genuinely don't understand what people need privacy on their phones for

Mainly because I don't want dh to read the shit I post on mumsnet

Ok, so your spidey sense is tingling and mine would be too. Knickers and phone code!

Is he secretive around his phone? Unusual trips out to go to the shops? Seems overly snappy or critical of you? Snappy at the kids? Or schmoozing you more than usual? Clothes? Hair? Routines changed? Online more often? Selfie posting?

The lists goes on and on but you really need to think about it all and I would def ask to borrow his phone to see if the rules you’ve both had in place around phones still apply or if he’s shifted them?

To be fair unless they were incredibly stupid or they wanted to get caught who would wash their affair partner's knickers? OP do you tend to buy matching underwear, I'm guessing that you didn't find a matching bra?

Where are the knickers now, have they vanished?

On it's own changing a PIN isn't suspicious but combined with the knickers it does sound a bit odd.

@ladyfairy

We have been together a long time, have shared accounts passwords for things.

I genuinely don't understand what people need privacy on their phones for

I don't think DP (not that he's looked, as far as I know) would appreciate reading about how awful life was when he was in the midst of severe depression and I was being supported by a friend or on here.

He certainly doesn't need to know exactly why switching the big light on in the bedroom when I'm asleep or his shouting and thrashing around like a demented spider at night when he's drunk caffeine in the evening gets such a hostile response, either. He just needs to know that there are very good reasons why, unless the house is on fire or there are intruders, I am not to be woken under any circumstances before 5am and if he wants to drink Diet Coke after 3pm, he sleeps somewhere else, as my reaction to being woken up will be extremely dramatic.