Is changing a phone PIN suspicious

[ladyfairy]

As above really, on its own is changing a phone PIN from one your OH knows to one they don't suspicious?

there are times that we genuinely need to use each others phone

Really? Then ask him why he changed the PIN.

there are times that we genuinely need to use each others phone.... I only ever go on his phone if for example my phone was low battery and needed to call someone, not to sit and look through every email and WhatsApp

This is the usual justification on MN for people who ‘just happen’ to notice a changed PIN or who see a message ‘just pop up’ at the *exact^ time they needed to use their partner’s phone. I’d love to know how they’d cope with a low battery and needing to use their phone if their partner’s wasn’t to hand.

Anyway, I’m somebody who wants privacy and would not tolerate anyone’s expectation that they could breach that. It doesn’t mean I’ve anything to hide, but I’m a private person and there’s nothing wrong with that. Similarly, my phone contains texts and emails from others that deserve to be kept between them and me, it contains notes I’ve made that I don’t particularly want others to see, posts I’ve made on various fora, my search history etc. I can’t comprehend how someone doesn’t understand that others want privacy. It’s hardly a novel concept.

Anyway, I’m somebody who wants privacy and would not tolerate anyone’s expectation that they could breach that. It doesn’t mean I’ve anything to hide, but I’m a private person and there’s nothing wrong with that. Similarly, my phone contains texts and emails from others that deserve to be kept between them and me, it contains notes I’ve made that I don’t particularly want others to see, posts I’ve made on various fora, my search history etc. I can’t comprehend how someone doesn’t understand that others want privacy. It’s hardly a novel concept.

Yep. Every word of that. I didn't know my late husband's passwords and he didn't know mine. It never occurred to either of us to ask for the other's, and somehow life was possible without us ever needing them. As it is for me, now living alone, and managing to keep my phone charged and a little power bank in my bag.

My DH and I know each other’s but I think I’ll have to change mine soon as I access work stuff and they are updating the policy.

However I have literally no idea when the last time was we looked at the other’s phone so he could’ve changed his password she’s ago and I’d not know.

I changed mine when I was cheating. My ex changed his when he was cheating.

I don't think it's unusual for people to not know each other's pins but I do think it's weird if they always have known but recently changed it

Saying all that... what can you realistically do about it?

Have you asked him why hes changed it??

100 percent both my ex's who have cheated have changed numbers

I have changed pins and also patterns. I know my husband changes them from time to time because he has handed me his phone and I have typed in the one I know, and he has told me the new one. I forget it five minutes later though. Works the other way round too. No we do not have lovers queueing up on whatsapp...

Yes we both know each others pins, as like you theres times we need to use the others phone. Not to snoop though all their messages! Neither has anything to hide so wouldn't think anything of picking up the others phone to say google something or look up a contact number for something etc.
But if I or my OH changed the pin and forgot to tell the other it would simply be a case of asking whats the new pin when trying to access and that would be that.

However if it then got changed again right after or very soon after me knowing the new one, I'd certainly be wondering why.

I changed mine because my husband thinks it's funny to search for gruesome things on my phone then leave them for me to find!

I changed mine when my DC learnt it too, they then learnt that one so had to change it again! It isn’t always suspicious but if they refuse to give you the new pin so you can use it occasionally I’d say it is. DH and I are always open with our phones because we have nothing to hide.

I changed mine several times post separation as my exh had told DD that she had to get evidence of all the bad things I was apparently doing. Ironically when I asked her to share her PIN she didn't want to because that's private. It took a while for her to realise that just because her dad said she should breach my privacy didn't make it right but she got it eventually... I then asked her what dad was looking for and whether she found it. She didn't. Probably built some trust ..

@ladyfairy

As above really, on its own is changing a phone PIN from one your OH knows to one they don't suspicious?

It is a bit odd, but I'd just ask him why. Like say "ah I needed to use your phone for x but you've changed the password, how come?". Could be a logical explanation (e.g. someone else finding out his password, wanting a shorter password, hiding something like having booked a surprise holiday for you both, who knows!). It is suspicious, of course, but my first response would honestly be just to enquire. He might say "oh, I changed it to this number because someone at work found out the password" and give you the new password.

@GappyValley

It would definitely set off my spidey senses... There is no legitimate reason other than wanting to close off any avenue of wanting the partner to be able to check the phone

That alone is a good enough reason. If you have to check a phone, there’s no trust anyway. I’d consider it controlling behaviour if DH checked my phone.

I’d change my phone PIN if I were married to you tbh

I would hate my boyfriend to go through my phone. I am not cheating. If I had to give him the pin for some essential reason I would probably change it afterwards.

Possibly suspicious, but may be completely innocent.
DH and I both have the same PIN and if I'm busy and a message comes through DH reads it to me, and vice versa.

If DH suddenly changed PIN etc then yep I'd be suspicious!

My phone seems to demand a regular password change.

I don't think it's suspicious if that is the only thing that's changed as I regularly change my pass code (most of the time as I have realised that the kids have seen me inputting it and I don't want them on my phone playing games at their leisure when their own phone time limit has expired). Would he be suspicious if you changed your passcode?

Jeez, I’m going against the grain but YES it is a massive red flag if you’ve had his passcode before.

My husband and I had each other’s passcodes, it didn’t mean we checked each others phones it just made things easier when we got messages when driving or sorting direction etc.

It only got changed when... he started a bloody affair and had something to hide.

I’m absolutely for couples having their own rules when it comes to phones and passcodes but if those rules are changed abruptly and without conversation my spidey sense would tingle!

OP I’d ask him for his new passcode when driving to get directions or some other moment, if he doesn’t just hand it over, then yes I’d be concerned!

@Forestiere

Possibly suspicious, but may be completely innocent. DH and I both have the same PIN and if I'm busy and a message comes through DH reads it to me, and vice versa.

If DH suddenly changed PIN etc then yep I'd be suspicious!

What if it's a friend sharing something personal? I'd be so pissed off if I was messaging someone and their partner read my message

@Ladybug123

Jeez, I’m going against the grain but YES it is a massive red flag if you’ve had his passcode before.

My husband and I had each other’s passcodes, it didn’t mean we checked each others phones it just made things easier when we got messages when driving or sorting direction etc.

It only got changed when... he started a bloody affair and had something to hide.

I’m absolutely for couples having their own rules when it comes to phones and passcodes but if those rules are changed abruptly and without conversation my spidey sense would tingle!

OP I’d ask him for his new passcode when driving to get directions or some other moment, if he doesn’t just hand it over, then yes I’d be concerned!

This is a good point actually. I wouldn’t want my partner having my passcode myself (my girlfriends and I discuss our periods and our sex lives sometimes etc, and sometimes vent about annoying things our partners may have said - that shit’s personal!) but if we did have each other’s and then his suddenly changed then yeah I might wonder. I wouldn’t leap to the conclusion he was having an affair tho, unless there was other evidence.

My husband was a serial cheat and I actually always knew when he was playing away. Subtle signs, the unnecessary mentioning, our sex love changing etc (not necessarily reducing, but slight changes in approach or technique, things like that). I chose to ignore it a lot of the time and never stalked his phone or anything because I really didn’t want to know....

Listen to your instincts in the first instance OP. There’s a reason this change of pin has bothered you enough to post about it on here, I would guess......

I never need to use my husband's phone. I have my phone and a charger and if it running low in battery, I charge it. No one but me needs to know my PIN. It is my phone, my photos, my things. I don't want to look through anyone else's phones as I'm not nosy.

Did you do a bit of phone snooping shortly before the change? You may have left some evidence behind which her noticed, in which case he might think it's time for boundaries.

I change my pin relatively regularly because its just sensible. I use my phone for a lot of banking etc, it would be stupid to not update security every so often.

I would also say it's genuinely disturbing that you think you should have any say in whether anyone has privacy on their phone. In fairness I would happily tell my DP my pin or pattern and he has free access to my phone but if he made a comment like that not only would he be locked out of everything but I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship due to stupendously breathtaking arrogance and lack of boundaries.

You are not entitled to override someone else's privacy and honestly I don't know anyone who would think this is ok. I genuinely don't.