My grandmother is really critical and mean

[kjhgfbg]

I'm in my 20s. Every time I see my extended family on my DF's side of the family I end up feeling really down and upset, particularly my grandmother. She is quite a cold, critical woman and that extends to her treatment of me. She comes across as nice albeit distant but then she will say something that will make my stomach drop as it's just so hurtful. Ever since I was a teenager I remember her being rude and cold about various things and I would trip over myself trying to explain it away.

One example is I wanted to pursue a particular career that is a competitive/difficult path to go to she told me I needed to stop dreaming and get a 'proper' job. I did really well at university and my lecturers were supportive of me pursuing that path when I asked for their honest opinions. I found it really hurtful like she was discrediting my ability to pursue that path and discrediting my career plan and choices. There are lots of other examples. Everything I do is compared to her friends' grandchildren and my cousins.

Everything I have ever been proud of has been knocked down. I have done a lot to try and please them and when I step back I can see that a lot of my decisions have been based on trying to make her proud. She criticised me going to university as she sees it as a waste of time or money, I thought once I graduated and had a job she would finally let off but now she just criticises what my job is.

The criticisms are just so bizarre as well as they can be so petty. Recently she has criticised what I eat, what I do at the weekend, what time I get up for work, etc.

She doesn't treat my brother in the same way. I'm a graduate with a decent full-time job but I get criticised for every little thing. My brother dropped out of university and is unemployed and spends most of his day sleeping and playing playstation and she makes no comment (not a judgement on my brother, he's going through a difficult time and I don't say any of this to put him in a bad light but just to exemplify how different our grandmother treats us). You could say she doesn't criticise him because she knows he's having a hard time, but when I was suffering from depression she told me to 'get a grip' and 'grow up'.

I have incredibly low self-esteem and I've done a lot of reflection on my childhood and how I was raised and by consequence how my parents were raised. I realise outside of my parents I don't have a single adult member of the family who supports and loves me unconditionally. I have nobody rooting for me.

I don't even know why I wrote all of this, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive.

No you are not being too sensitive at all, whatever gave you the idea that you are?. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way either.

What do your parents think here about her?.

This is all on your grandmother, it’s her issue to deal with. Do not make her crap your own. I would raise your boundaries with regards to her and not see her very often if at all. Life is too short to put up with relatives who abuse you and otherwise put you down. She is making you the scapegoat for her ills whilst your brother is the golden or favoured sibling.

She sounds totally awful. I would avoid her as much as possible.

She’s your granny op
You’re in your twenties
Shove her to the back of your mind
How often do you see extended family?!

Stop visiting her. Why would you put yourself through that abuse? If there are family get togethers just don't be available to go.

I only see her a few times a year. I didn't see her at all last year due to COVID but now she is vaccinated I saw her for the first time a few weeks ago and I feel like it takes me a while to recover from her cutting remarks.

My parents pressure me to go with them when they visit her as she will criticise them if I don't go (but again my brother skips out on the visits). I do miss a lot of the visits though.

She doesn't realise how critical she is so on the surface she thinks she is probably a nice, normal grandmother and wouldn't understand why I don't want to spend time with her. I feel like I have really underestimated how much this has impacted my self-esteem.

It’s crap of your parents too

No way would anyone talk to my children like this in front of me

But no one would talk to me like this in my twenties either

Op - woman up. She’s your granny. See her once a year, smile, nod, walk away or you don’t want to confront

My Mum can be quite critical but if she tries it on either of the DC I instantly challenge her so your parents should too.
In your shoes I would probably just avoid her though if she makes you feel bad about yourself

You are an adult with agency, do as your brother does here and skip all the visits to her. Indeed it is crap of your parents to make you attend anyway, I guess they both say and do nothing when she is criticising you.

Is your dad very similar in personality to his mother as well?.

I've got one of these.

Used to visit out of a sense of duty but she always found something to criticise.

So I've stopped bothering. Send Christmas and birthday cards sometimes with flowers but otherwise nothing.

She's even more vile to my mother. The older she's got the worse she is!!

@kjhgfbg

I only see her a few times a year. I didn't see her at all last year due to COVID but now she is vaccinated I saw her for the first time a few weeks ago and I feel like it takes me a while to recover from her cutting remarks.

My parents pressure me to go with them when they visit her as she will criticise them if I don't go (but again my brother skips out on the visits). I do miss a lot of the visits though.

She doesn't realise how critical she is so on the surface she thinks she is probably a nice, normal grandmother and wouldn't understand why I don't want to spend time with her. I feel like I have really underestimated how much this has impacted my self-esteem.

You are a grown woman now. You do not need to bow to pressure from your parents if you don't want to go somewhere. I have a near 20 year old Ds. I don't even ask him to visit relatives as I know he doesn't have the interest. It's not even about them being mean like your grandmother. It's about him making a decision that he'd rather stay home or meet his own friends. And that's fine. Next time your parents suggest you go with them, be very firm in telling them that you are not in the mood to be criticised by your grandmother so you won't be going. It's time to take a stand and put yourself and your own sanity first.

I could have written your post OP. In fact in my 20s it was the exact same scenario as you and your DB.

I’ve learnt that her opinion isn’t fact and doesn’t matter. I don’t see her or speak to her much.

I get this from my mother. I'm practically NC and live hundreds of miles away. Its the only way I can cope with the hurt.

Your parents apparently didn’t make good decisions on how much contact to have with this relative for you - or your sibling - when you were growing up, and are continuing to show poor judgment (at best) now.

Decide how much and what kind of contact YOU would now like with your grandmother, and stick to it. If that’s sending a Christmas card but no visits, fine.

If your parents have a problem with it, perhaps rather than criticise your choices they could reflect on their own!

And yes, ignore your grandmother’s opinions!

I wonder whether she's jealous of you, @kjhgfbg? She sees you, possibly, succeeding in ways she wasn't able to at your age? And how sad your parents, who should be proud of you, supporting you and protecting you from this woman, are being complicit in her behaviour of you.

Take a good look at yourself, who you are as a person, what you have accomplished, the future you are building. Why let a small-hearted person inflict their opinions on you? Take a lead out of your brother's book and say "No - I'm not doing that!" Actually mean it, and follow through with your decision.

Life is for living, OP. If nothing else, these last Covid months have shown how precious our time on Earth is. Do not let her ruin your life. Break away and live your own life and learn to value your own self more. 🌹

My Nana was the same, favoured my brothers, told me I looked like a prostitute when I started wearing a tiny bit of make up, I had protruding ears that I begged to have pinned back because of the things she said to me from being young, no wonder my Dad was a horrible piece of shit having her as his example.
We only saw her a couple of times a year and she died when I was 16 but those visits had a massive impact on the way I looked at myself way into adulthood.

I get this from my grandma. Notably the women, no matter how accomplished are nagged. My sister has a masters and works in the sciences, but she only brags about my male cousin who can't hold a job.
I just ignore and laugh at her for being so misogynistic.

I found sarcasm works wonders.

‘Thanks for that Nan, makes me feel great!’
‘Cheers grandma, only took me 4 years hard work to achieve’
Or ‘I’d love a proper job, but it’s half the pay’

Failing that we have a group decompress in the car on the way home to see who’s been worst hit this time, it can be quite amusing’

I once told DD who’d gained weight that she’d likely be a target - granny called her a ‘buxom wench’

I think your parents need some help if they put you at the front to save themselves, I’ve never done this and hopefully shown my DDs how to handle the comments.

I would look closer to home.

Yes she is a nasty bully but your DP haven’t stopped the intergenerational hurt and abuse.

They have not raised you to have good self esteem (or your DB by the sounds of it). That was their job - to raise you to have self worth and self confidence. Maybe they don’t have this because of their own upbringing? If so then it’s up to you to prioritise and invest in some self development (therapy, courses, reading) etc which will help you know what’s toxic and how to manage it when you encounter it.

You will come across loads of difficult people in your career and social life so it’s a worthy investment to be able to know your self worth, know your boundaries and how to defend them without FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

Well done on your academic and career success. Well done on posting here - next step is developing the confidence to take whatever actions work for you (speaking up to her assertively, and/or going low contact).

You could ask your DP to support and intervene - but it looks like they have used you as a human shield to date. Seems that they have let you take the flack rather than subject themselves to any discomfort by intervening on your behalf. A parent should never allow this to happen to their child.

@kjhgfbg. Might help if I tell my my H has 3 o levels to his name, no degree and is very high up in an extremely competitive creative arts environment. The degree gets you in these days, having a great work ethic, the right attitude and shitloads of business sense is what gets you on. ‘Soneone’ Does these jobs- they don’t fall off the ‘you are special’ tree. My h was told the same by all his family- it gives him a great deal of satisfaction when at award ceremonies etc to think knickers to them!!

Try thinking about how she was brought up, imagine what her parents were like to her, the world she lived in.

She has sounds as if she has internalised a lot of misogyny - your brother can do no wrong but you have to look the right way, it's a waste of time you going to university, you have to eat the right food, you have to visit your grandma... the list goes on and on.

Someone, probably her mum, said all this shit to her. And now the world has changed and you don't seem to care that much about the crippling values she had to live her life by - she may be jealous of you and ashamed of you at the same time.

It's not her fault she grew up to be mean - but I'd be ignoring what she says and visiting her as little as possible.

Next time your parents start badgering you to join them in visiting her, tell them that you're not going.

You are an adult. They can't make you go.

Sounds like me granny. She's actually a nasty piece of work and only my parents understand that. Everyone else loves her.

I contact her rarely and when I do, I mostly just ignore it. Sometimes it's hard and I react but ultimately it's her, not you. It gets easier with time.

When I was younger, I would sob in front of her begging her to stop being so mean but nothing works. She has also mellowed with age. Assuming yours will too.

I have really limited how often I see her and it's pretty much Christmas and once in the summer. However, one thing I really don't appreciate is when my parents get home my DM likes to unload about the visit which includes all the ways my grandmother criticised me. I've told my DM I don't want to know but she just does it without realising as a way to vent her frustration but the comments my grandmother makes behind my back about me are so hurtful. It's also not just my grandmother but also my Aunties and Uncles are equally critical. When I visit family it doesn't feel like I'm visiting family/loved ones, it feels like I'm being interrogated.

One thing I am so angry about with my grandmother is she always made out that I was older than I was and it has really impacted how I view myself and my life. I feel like I was expected to be an adult as a child if that makes sense and I have missed out on being young. Even now she is trying to imply I need to rush to the next life milestones and that I'm too old for x, y and z and I really hate it.

@Sssloou

I would look closer to home.

Yes she is a nasty bully but your DP haven’t stopped the intergenerational hurt and abuse.

They have not raised you to have good self esteem (or your DB by the sounds of it). That was their job - to raise you to have self worth and self confidence. Maybe they don’t have this because of their own upbringing? If so then it’s up to you to prioritise and invest in some self development (therapy, courses, reading) etc which will help you know what’s toxic and how to manage it when you encounter it.

You will come across loads of difficult people in your career and social life so it’s a worthy investment to be able to know your self worth, know your boundaries and how to defend them without FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

Well done on your academic and career success. Well done on posting here - next step is developing the confidence to take whatever actions work for you (speaking up to her assertively, and/or going low contact).

You could ask your DP to support and intervene - but it looks like they have used you as a human shield to date. Seems that they have let you take the flack rather than subject themselves to any discomfort by intervening on your behalf. A parent should never allow this to happen to their child.

Do you have any advice on how to start developing more confidence? It's something I really struggle with.