My grandmother is really critical and mean

[kjhgfbg]

I'm in my 20s. Every time I see my extended family on my DF's side of the family I end up feeling really down and upset, particularly my grandmother. She is quite a cold, critical woman and that extends to her treatment of me. She comes across as nice albeit distant but then she will say something that will make my stomach drop as it's just so hurtful. Ever since I was a teenager I remember her being rude and cold about various things and I would trip over myself trying to explain it away.

One example is I wanted to pursue a particular career that is a competitive/difficult path to go to she told me I needed to stop dreaming and get a 'proper' job. I did really well at university and my lecturers were supportive of me pursuing that path when I asked for their honest opinions. I found it really hurtful like she was discrediting my ability to pursue that path and discrediting my career plan and choices. There are lots of other examples. Everything I do is compared to her friends' grandchildren and my cousins.

Everything I have ever been proud of has been knocked down. I have done a lot to try and please them and when I step back I can see that a lot of my decisions have been based on trying to make her proud. She criticised me going to university as she sees it as a waste of time or money, I thought once I graduated and had a job she would finally let off but now she just criticises what my job is.

The criticisms are just so bizarre as well as they can be so petty. Recently she has criticised what I eat, what I do at the weekend, what time I get up for work, etc.

She doesn't treat my brother in the same way. I'm a graduate with a decent full-time job but I get criticised for every little thing. My brother dropped out of university and is unemployed and spends most of his day sleeping and playing playstation and she makes no comment (not a judgement on my brother, he's going through a difficult time and I don't say any of this to put him in a bad light but just to exemplify how different our grandmother treats us). You could say she doesn't criticise him because she knows he's having a hard time, but when I was suffering from depression she told me to 'get a grip' and 'grow up'.

I have incredibly low self-esteem and I've done a lot of reflection on my childhood and how I was raised and by consequence how my parents were raised. I realise outside of my parents I don't have a single adult member of the family who supports and loves me unconditionally. I have nobody rooting for me.

I don't even know why I wrote all of this, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive.

@annamagnani

Of course it's her fault that she grew up to be mean and she needs to take responsibility for it.

Hopefully she'll reap what she has sewn with op.

Lot's of people go through hell in their lives but it never gives them the right to treat people so appallingly because of it.

The problem is OP, she'll get more and more bitter and deluded as she gets older.

Try distancing yourself and don't feel guilty, and very well done for achieving so much with such a horrible and negative (close!) relative and influence in your life.

If there's one thing that age has taught me - "if it doesn't bring something positive to your life, don't do it"

Go NC with your vile grandmother and LC with your parents - and tell your mum that you do not want to hear about your grandmother's comments or actions. Going NC with some family members has been one of the most liberating things I've ever done.

Do you have any advice on how to start developing more confidence? It's something I really struggle with.

I am not surprised you struggle with confidence after being subjugated, attacked, criticised and undermined your whole life by GM and extended family - and also not defended by your own parents. Also your own DM downloading to you and passing on criticism to you is disgraceful behaviour.

It seems that there is a lot to uncover here even with your own parents (their inaction and inertia is total neglect) so I would see a therapist to work on your current erroneous negative self beliefs that have been imprinted by the verbal abuse of your extended family and the deficiencies of your parents because these will continue to hinder your life experiences and emotional well being indefinitely.

I would stop visiting
Make other plans on the days that visits occur

You poor love, I'm so sorry your granny makes you feel like this. She must be a very unhappy/empty person to enjoy making you feel like that. I am appalled that your parents don't stick up for you - if no one else in the family took her comments seriously then they would sting a little less. I think that you refusing to see her ever again is perfectly acceptable. It's not you, it's entirely her problem. She's got away with her awful behaviour for so long that she isn't going to change and nothing you do will alter her opinion of you I'm afraid. The only thing you can do is stop caring about her. Her loss. Old witch.

Do you live at home? if so I'd be making plans to move out, then you get more control over your life. Your own space gives you the freedom to choose who you see and when.

Start limiting your time with family and become very busy with your own life. You do get a choice. You don't have to put up with people just because they are family. Imagine if this were your daughter that this was happening to, would you allow it? if not, then be your own 'parent' and make more healthy choices for your mental wellbeing. Most people in families make selfish choices, ones which make their life easier not yours. That includes your parents. Start recognising when others are being selfish and throwing your mental wellbeing under the bus just so they don't have to deal with any problems Its a bit of an eye opener.

Is your DM damaged by this too? My DM will do the same and say all the bad things I've missed out on. I think it's something now that is so inbuilt into her that she just can't help it. Your DM may be the same. Could you cut across her when she starts?

Confidence is only going to start once these people don't have any power over you.

Skip the visits, citing your brother’s lack of desire to see her, you’re just doing the same.

You can cope with the 2 visits a year. What you can't cope with is your DM unloading on you every time they visit her - this is the crux of it. Tell your DM that you don't want her to repeat anything negative that was said about you and if she can't agree to this then, sorry, but you'll need to see less of her. Tell her the impact all this has on you and then stand your ground. Ignore your GM and aunts and uncles as you don't need to have any contact if you don't want to. Good luck (but your battle is with your parents!).

I think you need to move as soon as you can and surround yourself with uplifting people.

My grandmother was very similar. I didn't hate her and enjoyed her stories about the war etc but really she was a malicious old woman saying mean things -my weight was a favourite- and playing everyone off against each other.

My brother was favoured with GM as with my parents, as were my (lovely) posh cousins with a rich mum. My dad is a very emotionally damaged man because of her. Not all bad but, as I've begun to realise, quite emotionally abusive.

I moved miles away from family as early as I could and tbh am only just on the way to fulfilling my real potential career wise because of this.

What I've realised is that you won't get an apology or much change from family members. They don't see they've done anything wrong. However, you're an accomplished adult with your own agency, opinions and wishes. Use them: It sounds like you might live at home still, that would be the first thing I would address, get some space between you and your family. Don't see your grandmother unless you wish to. Send a card if you don't want to see her but don't want to disappear. If your mother starts ranting about her, as mine often did, cut the conversation short, go for a walk, have an urgent phone call to make.

Also, I have started therapy for unrelated issues and my family's criticism comes up more than you would believe. It is so helpful to have that space to talk about how it all made me feel, without having to apologise for being over sensitive or making a fuss,being listened to, not criticised. Could you arrange some counselling?

Problem with mine was she was pretty deaf towards the end so by the time I was an adult, you couldn't counter any of her opinions without essentially yelling at an elderly woman. I would recommend that if you do see her though, push back on any critical comments. Don't bother to argue, she won't change her mind, just let her know it was a hurtful things to say. 'Wow, that was harsh, granny!' Kind of thing. Might give her satisfaction, with mine it probably would have, but you've stood your ground which may help you feel more powerful.

Make lots of time for people and things you like doing and derive joy from. This could be in or outside of your career. This is the best thing for improving confidence.

You're not being over sensitive, this kind of criticism leaves a deep impact. But you're doing a good thing in thinking about how to counter it.

A lot of older people are unhappy and bitter OP— when it came to Brexit I saw lots of comments about how they didn’t mind that young adults would have less opportunities abroad as it kept them closer and they didn’t have those opportunities. A thoroughly nasty attitude brought on by jealousy

I would tell your mum that you aren’t coming any more as she says such vile things. Tell your mum to stop, when she offloads onto you as well-say you don’t want to hear it. Your mum is as bad as your gran is here-she’s not protecting you at all.

They can take your brother to visit.

My grandfather was a nasty piece of work, he once called me a fat useless lump in front of the mobile hairdresser that was doing my grandma's hair, I snapped back that I wasn't fat and useless that morning when I had been running around doing the jobs that enabled them to continue living in their own home (hairdressers face was a picture!)
He had lived a life being the head of the household and my grandma always went with whatever he decided however myself and my sister were brought up to 'stick up ' for ourselves so if he started he got an ear full of opinions he didn't want to hear but it certainly shut the cantankerous old bugger up
My point is, if you wouldn't take the criticism your grandmother gives you from a friend then why let her give it to you? People like her soon scurry back into their box when you find your anger (confidence will come, anger usually arrives first). Try it with your DM next time she starts offloading your grandma's criticisms on to you, just let rip and tell her to pipe down! Explain you have already asked her nicely not to tell you what has been said....now you're telling her for the last time you do not want to hear it!
Hope this helps, you are ultimately in control of how they treat you, if they don't reach your standards walk away

Would your time be better spent taking your brother out for a coffee than going to see her, anyway? Let's face it, that relationship is going to last a lot longer, and if he's going through a bad time and it would cheer him up a bit... Whereas it's arguable that if your GM wanted to see you, she would at least be polite (!)

See what you can find out about her parents and childhood though. I bet it'll make a jackpot's worth of pennies drop.

OP,

So when you go home, you have your nasty grandmother and your mother repeating nasty things she said.

So one big ball of nastiness and criticism.

Of course your self esteem will have taken the most enormous pummeling from this.

At some point you are going to have to decide is this what you want for the rest of your days.

Stop visiting her. No loss.

Tell your parents clearly, calmly that you NEVER want to hear her name or another opinion that she has expressed again.

Tell your mother how damaging to your happiness your grandmother has been and how upsetting it is that your own mother repeats horrible things that she says.

If your parents don't understand or WON'T respect what you have asked them to do.

Stop visiting them.

Stay away until the penny drops.

You are not a child any longer, you can make decisions that can help you.

Get some counselling too.

You are now in control OP.

Take that control and use it.

They can take your brother to visit.

Actually it sounds as the brother has the right idea and his boundaries are stronger than yours, OP.

Copy his example @kjhgfbg and do some self-care.

Also I wonder whether your parents and grandparent tend to leave him alone because he's male and they have different expectations of him?

The other alternative is to move out. It doesn't sound as though your living environment is a positive place to be. How long are you prepared to put up with this? Make your plans quietly and present your parents with a fait accompli if you think they'll try and stop you moving out. 🌹

My gran was like this.. It got worse and worse with age and dementia. I eventually stopped going after she really pulled me over the coals for doing something nice for her (my DB didn't bother) in front of my parents. They never pressurised me to go again.
Previous to that I'd tried calling her out each time she said something... 'Dig number 1','insult number 2' 'put down no3'.... Early on this worked a little and made everyone else see the issue more

Your grandmother is a narcissist (npd) and you are the scapegoat grandchild. Read about scapegoats vs the golden child.

I think you could always throw the hardball “I can see that your mother REALLY hated you. You have caused so much damage, and you’re trying to continue the pattern. I’m not playing anymore.”