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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I just snapped

43 replies

Justrightnow · 31/05/2021 14:20

I am very unhappy in my marriage. I am invisible and only matter in terms of what I give to my H. On family holiday, that I organized as I organize everything, and the day out that I organized . H was trying to park and was driving into the car next to him. I was out of the car and saying repeatedly, you are going to hit that car. You are going to hit that car'. He just kept yelling at me saying I should be looking at the car on the other side. By now a bit of a crowd had gathered as he was right against the car I kept telling him he was going to hit, I said 'you need to get out and see how close to that car you are'. But only when a man from the crowd came up and said to him, ' you are going to hit that car， you need to pull out and try again' did he actually bloody listen.

We then went to park and everyone was just ignoring me again so I just walked off and kept walking. I honestly don't want to go back to them. I hate my life. I cry a lot. I'm probably depressed. It's not my kids fault, they are young. But it doesn't matter what I do I'm just feel like worthless, voiceless shit. I do 't want to go back. I just can't face what my life is.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 31/05/2021 14:29

Oh dear @Justrightnow, you sound SO fed up. Are the dc with you or your husband? Can you go have a cup of tea and 15 minutes of peace? Maybe send a text to say your ok but having a cuppa. If your life is so awful, what needs to change? How can you achieve that? Tea n cake then plan for a better future!

Lockheart · 31/05/2021 14:32

Ah I'm sorry you're feeling this way OP.

Where are you now, are you still at the park?

I'd find somewhere to rest a moment and get yourself something to drink. Give yourself time and space to calm down.

Then you need to go back for your children. They will be missing you, I promise! How old are they?

How long do you have left on this holiday? Can you all come home early, or can you leave early on your own and let them finish enjoying the last couple of days?

First thing tomorrow morning you need to call your doctor and tell them how you're feeling. You sound very depressed and like you would really benefit from some professional help.

VettiyaIruken · 31/05/2021 14:33

Flowers your husband needs a kick up the arse!

Original poster
Justrightnow · 31/05/2021 14:39

I'm with them now and rowed with H and eldest is angry with me which I understand. He can't understand what is going on so he blames me for being unhappy as does his dad.
I can't see anything that would make me happier.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 31/05/2021 14:42

Not being married to someone who makes you feel worthless might make you happier. Flowers

Wuurg · 31/05/2021 14:42

Maybe you need to split up with your husband, for right now can you get home? Or go to a friend's/parent's and have some space away from him.

Lockheart · 31/05/2021 14:46

@VettiyaIruken

Not being married to someone who makes you feel worthless might make you happier. Flowers
With the greatest respect, I'm not sure that helps OP in the here and now, does it? I don't disagree with you but OP can't divorce her husband in the middle of a park.

OP, are you able to leave the park early (telling the children mummy has a headache, for example)? Or can you perhaps split up and you each take one child around?

RantyAnty · 31/05/2021 14:58

How old are your DC?

It sounds like you're fed up today. Cut the day short and go home and get in your bed with a good show or book and take a break. Flowers

Flowers500 · 31/05/2021 15:12

if you're fed up just go get yourself something carby and leave them with him for a bit

LookItsMeAgain · 31/05/2021 15:39

Actually @Lockheart, it might. It might not be a snap of the fingers and it's fixed kind of way but it might. Sometimes, it might take a outsider to say something and then that is the catalyst to getting a better way to do things.
The OP can use this time to work out what she does want. If it is a cup of tea and to be appreciated, if it's a bath, if it's a walk, whatever.

@Justrightnow - take a bit of time to yourself. Look after yourself. Be a little selfish with your time.

Original poster
Justrightnow · 31/05/2021 16:52

We are back at the cottage now. Terrible row in car. Pp is right I don't feel appreciated, because I am not. I ask to be, but it never happens. I just hate my life. I cry a lot. When I read about or hear small acts of understanding or kindness. Small things I never get. i just can't stand living like this.

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 31/05/2021 16:56

It sounds like everything has just got too much for you, you should go to bed early and ask them to do something nice that evening without you.

It sounds like a fairly standard squabble over parking issues, your husband being a bit of a twat and you now starting major drama in front of the children. I think a sleep and a bit of perspective might help you. Just concentrate on ensuring tomorrow is better

MrsPsmalls · 31/05/2021 17:01

Why should op be sure to make tomorrow better? Do we honestly belive her bloody dh is focussing on making tomorrow better?

LookItsMeAgain · 31/05/2021 17:02

@Justrightnow - then use this time as your lightbulb moment. You need to separate/divorce so that you can be a happier parent apart than an unhappy parent together.
You shouldn't have to ask to be appreciated. It should just happen. It's not in your case.

Try to get through whatever time is left on your holiday in the cottage and then when you get home, take steps to separate.

Structuredsward · 31/05/2021 17:09

I think it's obvious this is about more than a standard family squabble over parking Flowers

Agree with pp, use this day and this particular incident as a catalyst op.

You are not obliged to stay in a miserable marriage. You don't need anyone's permission to leave. It will be hard for you and for the DC but it will be ok.

Flowers500 · 31/05/2021 17:29

Because it’s a holiday, the children are there and it’s best to manage the implosion of a marriage so it doesn’t harm the children, on their one holiday after the year of a pandemic?

iminthegarden · 31/05/2021 17:32

This sounds miserable. Try to keep it out of sight of the children. I know this is really hard so don't beat yourself up about it.

Original poster
Justrightnow · 31/05/2021 17:45

I can't leave my husband and take the kids. I earn hardly anything. It's taken three years for my eldest to settle at school, there is no way I am taking him out of school to wherever the council would house me ( after whatever length of wait). The only way I could hope to leave is to leave the kids behind. My husband will never leave the house. I've asked and refuses.

OP posts:
Ukholidaysaregreat · 31/05/2021 17:51

File for divorce. The solicitors will tell him what to do. Bet he listens to them. If you are the resident parent you should be able to live there with the kids until they are 18. By which time you can have upped your earning potential, sell the house and get something for you to live in with the proceeds. Flowers for you DH sounds like a nob.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2021 17:56

You could consider seeking legal advice here re separation and divorce. After all knowledge is power.

Abusive men more often refuse to leave the house, that’s pretty much standard for such types to say o their chosen target. Why would you need to go into council housing, that is based on supposition rather than fact. And besides which why would your children and you have to be the ones to leave?. Do not give him any more power because of your own inertia and fear.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the model you want to show them and for they to potentially emulate themselves?. No it is not and it’s not good enough for you either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2021 17:58

You are married to this man and thus have rights in law, exercise those fully.

Staying for the sake of the children is a very bad idea here and they will not say “thanks mum” to you for doing that to them.

You have a choice re this man, they do not.

Original poster
Justrightnow · 31/05/2021 18:04

I can't pay the mortgage. I will have less than £100 a month to live in after the mortgage is paid.
I just don't believe he would pay me anything in a divorce either, not that there is much for him to pay me. He would just not pay it. I looked into it a bit and it looks like there is not much that can be done if men just don't pay what the court orders. And he'll definitely go for 50/50 custody so I won't get maintenance either
Me leaving without the kids is the only option, as far as I can see. And I can't even see how I could afford that on my wage.

OP posts:
Christmasfairy2020 · 31/05/2021 18:07

How old are the kids. I feel rather similar tbh. However the kids side with me aged 11 and 6. Id put on a face and have a good holiday or go out you and kids and leav him at cottage. But do try and have a none argument holiday for kids sake. When u get home tell him how u feel and say it isn't working like this

Christmasfairy2020 · 31/05/2021 18:10

I went out today to a place with dh after he was adamant we was up and dressed at 1030. He didn't wanna do anything. When we went out he moaned about my driving and then pub we wanted was full so we walked to next but it wasn't good enough so he walked out. Meanwhile me and kids had a pop each and he walked the hour trip home. Afterwards we went to a diff pub with a play area I've come bk and we are totally blanking one another. My husband however drinks all day so he is an asshole when he drinks

Flowers500 · 31/05/2021 18:11

For now just try to get through the holiday without it being ruined for the kids.

But I’m sorry your posts are BS here, you can’t just decide to make the children miserable living in a war zone

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