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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive partner

39 replies

Tsmi21 · 31/05/2021 11:06

Hi all please don't judge, my partner is REFUSING to leave my home, I am on the rent agreement he is not. I suffer with EUPD and PTSD and my head is rapidly declining with this situation both my physical and mental health. 3 weeks ago we had the ultimate of ultimate fights which resulted in him throwing my head against the wall and me running to our neighbours for safety where he smashed my neighbors windows and was arrested. The next day I came home to find he had took keys and let himself in after being at court that day. I have asked him everyday to please leave and leave me alone and he just refuses point blank to leave or leave me alone. I told him it hasnt been working for months and he now refuses to leave the house incase I change the locks. We have bail conditions to stay away from each other but I DO NOT want police involved again unless absolutely necessary. Everything you could imagine about a textbook domestic violence perparator is this guy. I am so scared I'm going to kill myself before he goes ladies please help what do I do

OP posts:
category12 · 31/05/2021 11:23

Sorry, but you need to have the police remove him. It is absolutely necessary. You're going to end up dead at his hands otherwise.

If you're both(?) breaking bail conditions by being together then maybe you need to accept the legal consequences of that and use it as an opportunity to make changes in your life.

If it's just him affected by the bail conditions, then you really need to follow through with the police.

Once you have him out of the house, I would look to move and make sure none of your friends and family tell him your new address.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 31/05/2021 11:28

Have the police not come round and got him to leave?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 31/05/2021 11:31

Oh I see you don't want them involved. Do you mind if I ask why? It's just that if he's not going voluntarily then you're all out of options (except police)

romdowa · 31/05/2021 11:33

Calling the police is the easiest option here. Inform them that he is breaking his bail conditions by being in your home.

funnylittlefloozie · 31/05/2021 11:33

If you can't make him leave, then you need to call the police. There is nothing you can do now to make him go. If he is making you suicidal, you need to take action to get him out of your home. I think you know you should have gone straight to the police when he stole your keys and broke into your home but whats done is done, there's no point revisiting that now.

I do understand that you don't want the police involved but at this stage, its your only option, I'm sorry to say. Do you have a IDVA working with you?

Ilovethewild · 31/05/2021 11:37

Op, that must be really scary, sadly either he leaves or you leave.

If he won’t, then you need to,

Is it private landlord or council or housing association? Can you seek their help?

It is expected police remove someone who has no rights to live there. The fact is, you can leave and then phone the police explaining he won’t leave and it is your property. They will remove him. Ensure you change the locks immediately, but also You will need to move to be safe.

Try women’s aid, domestic violence services, councils have support - check out their website. Assuming you are in UK.

Bigbluebuttons · 31/05/2021 11:39

The police NEED to be involved here. By not involving them you’re telling your partner you’re putting up with him.

Original poster
Tsmi21 · 31/05/2021 12:54

Thank you so much for your replies it's so good to see so many people care, to clarify I don't have bail conditions he has them against me because I was witness, I have a 6 yo who I split custody with his father he has never seen anything but with me being suicidal and him being here I've asked his dad to keep him just now, I have no family I grew up in the care system I am terrified of having my child removed from me because of this if I phone the police I really have to consider what will happen after as his family are just as bad

OP posts:
Original poster
Tsmi21 · 31/05/2021 12:56

And he never stole keys he was arrested from my house after the incident and took his own keys for here with him,police told me before he left court that they were removed from him in the police station but he must have gave them another key pretending it was that one

OP posts:
wickedwitchofthedance · 31/05/2021 12:59

Ring the police and say you don't feel safe.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2021 12:59

Your child won’t be removed from you if you get away from your abuser and stay away but you are putting yourself at risk by remaining under the same roof as your abuser.. Your boundaries here, already skewed by past abuse and relationship experiences, are being further eroded here by him now. Abuse like this takes an awful long time, years even, to recover from and your recovery from him has not even started yet.

category12 · 31/05/2021 13:03

You won't lose your child if you get away from him and stay away from him. The SS want to know that you'll put your child first, which you cannot do while living with a violent abuser.

He's breaking his bail conditions - so get the police involved. They'll remove him.

If you're in social housing, apply for a mutual exchange and ask your housing officer for their help to move elsewhere. You could potentially go into a refuge if you don't feel you'd be safe from him or his family.

PinkPoloMint · 31/05/2021 13:06

phone the POLICE

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/05/2021 13:08

Ring the police.

It is absolutely necessary.

Right now!

LaBellina · 31/05/2021 13:08

Please please phone the police

There’s no other legal option and they’ll be sympathetic towards you but not to him.

JanFebAnyMonth · 31/05/2021 13:13

First step is to ring a domestic violence organisation. They will talk you through your options and help you achieve a safe situation OP.

JanFebAnyMonth · 31/05/2021 13:14

Or you can email them if that would be safer than a call?

PinkPoloMint · 31/05/2021 13:14

He believes you will not phone the Police.. he is banking on it.. and can therefore stay as long as he likes abusing you...

PHONE THE POLICE.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 31/05/2021 13:48

How do you think you are going to get rid of him without the police being involved?

He is never just going to decide to go.

I've been in your situation and the ONLY way to get rid of them is to call the police each and every time and get the locks changed.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 31/05/2021 13:50

Also SS WILL remove your child if you are living with a violent man. So you need to involve the police for that reason.

Bigbluebuttons · 31/05/2021 13:52

This is down to 2 choices:

  1. Refuse to call the police, they get wind that bail conditions are breached, social care all over you, you lose your child.

  2. Call the police, he is removed, you are noted as being a responsible parent who has cut off from a violent abuser.

There’s no 3rd option.

ScrollingLeaves · 31/05/2021 13:58

“ I am terrified of having my child removed from me because of this if I phone the police I really have to consider what will happen after as his family are just as bad”

OP wouldn’t it be NOT telling the police that could make it seem as though you were putting your child in danger? Or have I misunderstood?

I am so sorry you are faced with this💐

LaBellina · 31/05/2021 14:33

I wish I could phone the police for you and hold your hand whilst he is being removed from the house and you get new locks installed. I promise you that if you follow these steps a huge weight will fall off your shoulders and your future self will be so grateful. Having been in an abusive relationship myself I can totally understand how you feel but trust me the police are not the ones to be afraid of here. It’s the vile creature that is stuck like a parasite now inside your home.

PinkPoloMint · 31/05/2021 14:34

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Also SS WILL remove your child if you are living with a violent man. So you need to involve the police for that reason.

Correct.. please call the Police OP 🌸

Bananalanacake · 31/05/2021 14:47

He has no right to be in your home, I'm assuming he doesn't pay towards the rent. Could you go to your neighbours and call the police from there if you're scared he will hear you.

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