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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a marriage work without sex?

36 replies

Darragh16 · 31/05/2021 09:13

I love my husband so much, as a person and a father he is perfect. But for the past 2 years I've been having worrying feelings. Im not sexually attracted to him anymore, I dont want to feel like this I try to fight these feelings and think of the positive things about him, but these feelings are really confusing me... I like being near him he makes me feel safe, I dont mind cuddling with him when we're in bed but anything sexual just disgusts me, I dont even like kissing him. I feel guilty for even writing this but I need to vent somewhere I dont know who else to talk to about this. We have 2 wonderful children and I dont want to break up our family. My husband is a good man and it would destroy him to be away from us. But at the same time I keep fantasising about leaving him and wondering would I be able to cope without him. I keep thinking is there more out there for me, there must be more to life than this. I want a passionate intimate relationship. I miss that. Or is this a case of the grass isn't always greener on the other side?? Im really confused by my feelings and would love some advice

OP posts:

wickedwitchofthedance · 31/05/2021 09:13

What does your husband think about having no sex?

Nicecupofteaandacake · 31/05/2021 09:15

Following as I’m in the exact same situation and could have wrote this post myself. No idea what to do about it

I’ve been putting it down to having two young kids and being totally touched out and knackered.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 31/05/2021 09:19

I'm asexual and neither of my marriages has survived it. I did have sex with them but it was obvious I didn't want it.
The marriage will only survive if your husband feels the same way and I think that's unlikely.
However, if you want sex just not with him I think this is a sign that your marriage is just not working. I'm wondering if you associate passionate sex with a fantasy man or the initial lust you get with someone new which of course doesn't last.
The tedium of family life can kill all of those feelings, daily boring things like shopping, life admin, dealing with children are enough to put anyone off.
Have you tried date nights, going away alone, trying something really different and exciting together?
Maybe worth trying before splitting up the family.

Original poster

Darragh16 · 31/05/2021 09:21

@wickedwitchofthedance it bothers him, but he's such a good person he would never put pressure on me. He thinks I dont want sex because I've put on a few pounds over lock down and I don't feel confident in my body. Thats what I tell him when he asks

OP posts:

Donitta · 31/05/2021 09:21

Same. And it’s not because I don’t want sex or being touched, because I’d happily do it with someone else. I’ve put it down to resentment that developed after he was unsupportive during pregnancy and child raising. I just don’t love him any more after how he’s treated me.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 31/05/2021 09:22

It can work, but only if both parties are genuinely fine with no sex, which tbh I think is fairly rare at least until couples are older.

But as PP say, it doesn't sound like this is a happily asexual marriage. It sounds like you want to be sexual but just not with him. Which is a bad sign.

Is there resentment in your relationship? Does he pull his weight? Were you ever very attracted to him? How was your sex life in the early years?

ittakes2 · 31/05/2021 09:32

You need to go see someone to talk this through. Is there any chance you are self sabotaging yourself? ie feel you are happy but don't deserve it or something? I ask because there is a stark contrast in saying you love him and feel safe around him but sex repulses you. Unless you are projecting like a father figure at him and that's why? Men often have madonna complexes after their partners give birth ie they have trouble thinking of their partners as both a mother and a sexual partner - especially if they witnessed the birth and found that uncomfortable. You might be having the female version of a madonna complex!

Original poster

Darragh16 · 31/05/2021 09:35

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity yes I was attracted to him for years, this is going to sound really shallow and I'm ashamed of myself for even writing this but these feelings seemed to start since he started losing his hair! Im just not attracted to him anymore I dont find him attractive, I cant help the way I feel. There are also other issues at play here, over the years I've come to realise that we are just 2 very different people. We have nothing in common, I moved to his area away from my family and friends and I sometimes think everything we do is on his terms, I miss my old life. I feel like im living his life

OP posts:

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 31/05/2021 09:38

[quote Darragh16]@BuffySummersReportingforSanity yes I was attracted to him for years, this is going to sound really shallow and I'm ashamed of myself for even writing this but these feelings seemed to start since he started losing his hair! Im just not attracted to him anymore I dont find him attractive, I cant help the way I feel. There are also other issues at play here, over the years I've come to realise that we are just 2 very different people. We have nothing in common, I moved to his area away from my family and friends and I sometimes think everything we do is on his terms, I miss my old life. I feel like im living his life[/quote]
In that case, as is so often true, my ruling is that the sex issue is a symptom and not a root.

Your relationship is in trouble at its foundations and your body has recognised that. You need a very honest conversation with your H, and probably joint counselling to see if you have something you can salvage.

Movealongmovealong · 31/05/2021 09:46

I was you 15 years ago. Lovely
Man great father kind husband. Just got the ick when it came to sex. So stupidly I threw a very selfish hand grenade in our marriage and thought about only myself and my needs. I broke up a happy family, upset my children and caused my ex DH to have a mental breakdown. All because I wanted a sex life.
Move on two years a d I have met my now DH and got the sex life I wanted. It was fantastic and fulfilling in many ways but after 5 years he developed health issues and ED.. spent several years trying to make sex work . His health has been too poor for any sex for three years now. However it's fine. I love him.

I have learned that there is more to life. I have been lucky enough to have 2 wonderful kind loving husbands (my ex has forgiven me and we have been on great terms for over a decade now. ) Support, respect, love, make a great marriage. Sex is another ingredient but not always essential it the other parts are there.

Original poster

Darragh16 · 31/05/2021 09:48

@ittakes2 I think you've hit the nail on the head there! I had a very difficult relationship with my father growing up, I never had a healthy male figure in my life, I was the oldest of 2 sisters. When I met my husband I think I clinged on to that security/ safe feeling. And I find that hard to let go of. Or like I wouldn't survive without it

OP posts:

category12 · 31/05/2021 09:52

Your marriage isn't working for you.

You only get one shot at life, OP.

MrsMaizel · 31/05/2021 10:25

I was the same with my first H - not attracted to him and we had many sexless years . It was more than just sex though - it was our attitude towards each other eventually ( long marriage) . We split up ( he had an affair ) and I went on to have a thing with a guy for about a year . Sex was definitely back on the menu in a big way 😂 . I am now remarried and we have sex regularly . It is a special thing in our marriage - it bonds you together throughout all the day to day stuff .

Skyla2005 · 31/05/2021 11:00

Only if both of you are happy with no sex otherwise no it can't work

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 31/05/2021 12:38

A marriage can't survive the fact that you've fallen out of love with him and won't be honest about that

Anothernick · 31/05/2021 14:14

@category12

Your marriage isn't working for you.

You only get one shot at life, OP.

Yes you only get one shot but a happy and successful life is not built by considering only your own needs and ignoring the consequences for those close to you (one might call it the Boris Johnson approach). You say you love your DH and he is a good father. No doubt he would be happy to rekindle your sex life, you really should focus on why you feel unable to do this. The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence but if you jump over you often find it's really a muddy quagmire.

category12 · 31/05/2021 14:22

Well, given OP says:
There are also other issues at play here, over the years I've come to realise that we are just 2 very different people. We have nothing in common, I moved to his area away from my family and friends and I sometimes think everything we do is on his terms, I miss my old life. I feel like im living his life

Perhaps it's him that has the Boris Johnson approach.

Maybe if she wants to keep trying, they should move back where she has family and friends and not have it as her making all the compromises.

category12 · 31/05/2021 14:25

Not compromises. Sacrifices.

RantyAnty · 31/05/2021 14:34

Him not being able to compromise much would be off-putting after awhile.
I understand about the balding too. Just not attractive.

Is he thoughtful in bed when you do have sex?

JustAnotherOldMan · 31/05/2021 17:46

I was in your husband’s position in my marriage, no sex for the last 2 or so years of married life, when my ex admitted she didn’t want to have sex (with me at least), we divorced as I wasn’t prepared to live like that.

Garfieldcake · 31/05/2021 18:10

This is me also.
I got married at 20 and our sex life has been poor all the way through. Didn’t have sex on honeymoon. We are now six years and counting re sex. We’ve been married for 19 years and apart from when trying for the dc we’ve never had sex. I can’t see us ever having sex again.
I don’t know how much it bothers him. It bothers me. I don’t want sex with him though, I’m not attracted to him. Maybe he feels the same about me? It’s just easier to stay and carry on. I don’t think I’m ugly even though I’m older now, I think I could meet someone and have a sex life but I’ve just shut that part away. I’m just mum. Mum isn’t sexual.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 31/05/2021 18:46

You need to talk to your DH about this so he knows and then think about what you both want, it isnt fair to go on letting him think he just needs to be patient if you know that you really dont want him intimately anymore. You need to think about what a divorce would actually do too. Do you have somewhere to live and can you afford it by yourself, and if what you're wanting to do is move back to your family and friends how would that work with the kids and how will it make you feel only seeing them 50 50? You should obviously live life the way you want and not stay if you dont want to but you need to think about what a divorce would give you and what it would take away and you need to talk to your DH sensitively and see what you can do together or separately because if he doesnt know and you dont tell him you could both spend your life you feeling like this, and him thinking hes just being patient and when you're ready your life before will just start again.

pigglepot · 31/05/2021 19:16

I would talk to your husband and get some counselling. Mumsnet won't be able to help you work through these very complex issues. It doesn't sound like you've tried anything yet to resolve this so please don't break up your family before you try to make it work (e.g learning to become intimate like again before sex is on the menu again and working through any other underlying issues you may have). It's always so much worse when you haven't spoken about it because it will be going round and round your head and you will build up resentment.

Original poster

Darragh16 · 31/05/2021 19:52

Thank you all for your advice, on reflection I dont think mumsnet is the best place to seek help with this matter, all the issues are too complex to go into on here. I need to have a deep think about where I want to go from here and maybe consider couples counciling

OP posts:

Christmasfairy2020 · 31/05/2021 20:31

Tell him to shave his beard. Most bold men have awful beards. But ultimately if he is kind and a good man I can't understand your issue. Have an alcoholic drink watch a film on sofa and go from there.

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