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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a marriage work without sex?

36 replies

Darragh16 · 31/05/2021 09:13

I love my husband so much, as a person and a father he is perfect. But for the past 2 years I've been having worrying feelings. Im not sexually attracted to him anymore, I dont want to feel like this I try to fight these feelings and think of the positive things about him, but these feelings are really confusing me... I like being near him he makes me feel safe, I dont mind cuddling with him when we're in bed but anything sexual just disgusts me, I dont even like kissing him. I feel guilty for even writing this but I need to vent somewhere I dont know who else to talk to about this. We have 2 wonderful children and I dont want to break up our family. My husband is a good man and it would destroy him to be away from us. But at the same time I keep fantasising about leaving him and wondering would I be able to cope without him. I keep thinking is there more out there for me, there must be more to life than this. I want a passionate intimate relationship. I miss that. Or is this a case of the grass isn't always greener on the other side?? Im really confused by my feelings and would love some advice

OP posts:

Christmasfairy2020 · 31/05/2021 20:33

My dh has been an ass recently and explaining to him I'm not having sex because he has been horrible all day makes him mouth of I'm cheating. If he was nice to me and kids I'd have no issues. Instead iv got a miserable moaning husband who is always drunk!!!

Christmasfairy2020 · 31/05/2021 20:34

Also if you feel fat wear your top ? Or put a bask and suspenders on

Callywalls · 31/05/2021 20:49

I feel the same about my dh. He has had a mental breakdown and became psychotic. I've seen him acting really weird and doing very strange things including nearly killing me by accident which has made me frightened of him. He's even tried to arrange my funeral and talks about what he will say at my funeral. I know all this is because of his illness but it's changed my feelings towards him. We have a lot of support from the mental health team but he is not the man I married 23 years ago. I feel so sorry for him and I love him like a brother but I have no sexual feelings towards him at all. I would love a proper full relationship with someone else but how can I leave him now? He has no one else and it's not his fault but I'm only 53 and I feel sad that this is my life from now on. His appearance has changed too due to his illness and he looks quite scary. I know I sound shallow.

category12 · 01/06/2021 11:27

@callywalls You don't sound shallow: you're living with a man who has changed out of all recognition, nearly killed you and fantasises about your funeral. It would be incredible if you did still fancy him.

It may not be his fault but you're not obliged to stand by him no matter what. You do deserve a life of your own. Maybe you could split but still support him as a friend as some sort of half measure?

Whyhello · 01/06/2021 14:49

It will only survive if your DH feels similarly. If he wants to have sex and you don’t, it isn’t likely to survive unless you have an open marriage and allow him to have sex with others.

Seadad · 01/06/2021 16:46

Well it's really not fair to keep making up excuses - it would be far far better to be honest and seek your own and or couples counselling if you don't want to end your marriage.
You may be surprised to learn that sexual attraction is dependent on a lot of things, not just head hair. If you love your DH it's quite possible there isn't the necessary distance between you, or the predictability or one sided security or lack of tension? It may be worth exploring these things before you leave to explore sex with someone else?

TheMusicsOver · 01/06/2021 16:58

Indeed it's complex OP.

But it's not wrong to be honest with your DH, especially in something as important as this. I'd certainly want to know in such a situation. All the best to you both.

AgeLikeWine · 01/06/2021 18:22

Yes, it can, but only if both partners are happy with the situation.

For the vast majority of people, sex is a basic human need. If one partner wants sex and the other refuses, the relationship is inevitably doomed. Eventually, one partner will get sex outside the relationship.

Garfieldcake · 01/06/2021 18:30

But is it acceptable to leave a marriage where there are dc - simply because you’ve stopped having sex?

Callywalls · 01/06/2021 19:14

category12 Thank you for being so kind. I needed to hear those words and you've really made me think.

Opentooffers · 01/06/2021 22:32

You don't sound shallow at all. No reason why you should have to stick by someone you are afraid of. In fact I'd move back home pronto.
I'm also with you on baldness, it doesn't attract me either and I've never dated anyone bald, though perhaps would not outright dismiss it now I'm older as hair is rare at my age on a fella.
I think you will find his MH issues are more what's pitting you off, which is totally fair

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