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Original poster

Lack of empathy from partner

36 replies

SleeplessinEastSussex · 31/05/2021 07:17

I am at the end of my teether. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage and a toddler with my Current partner. DP has undiagnosed autism. I haven’t seen my mum for 15 months, in which time she has undone aggressive chemo. She has now come to stay with us. The DC were playing outside and left 2 balls and 5 sticks on the drive. They said they didn’t. Partner checks the cctv and said that they had been lying to him . My mum points out all kids lie and he said that no one in his family ever lied to him and they all had a pact to tell the truth. Mum said that was unusual and sometimes we lie through things that are not said and live a lie that way. For context his parents had an unhappy marriage and divorced where My partner did not talk to his mum for 2 years.
At this point, he got up and told my mum to fuck off out of his house. She was then in tears and packed up.
He stormed off and doesn’t see the impact of what he’s said and done. The kids overheard all of this.
If I ever said this to his family, it would be the end of the world. This lack of empathy and emotional engagement is now impacting me, my kids and my mum.
I just needed a rant x

OP posts:
ShinyBlackBoots · 31/05/2021 07:31

What makes you think he has autism?

'Undiagnosed autism' isn't a diagnosis in itself.

Your mum's over explanation seems a bit patronising. She stuck her nose into something that didn't concern her and he told her to fuck off. He shouldn't have done that but I don't see how that means he's lacking in empathy.

Quaverscrisps · 31/05/2021 07:55

If my partner told my mum to fuck off he'd be found under the patio. She was just being a nan, that's what they do, make excuses for their grandchildren. He sounds awful. Feel for your mum. And for the kids seeing their Nan upset. Get rid.

SarahDarah · 31/05/2021 08:21

OP you need to stand up for your mum. Bring her back to stay with you.

Astella22 · 31/05/2021 08:46

If my DH told my mother to fuck off we would have a serious issue. No one treats my family disrespectfully in my house. He sounds incredibly immature flying off the handle at your Mum.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 31/05/2021 08:53

Disgusting behaviour from him especially knowing you haven't seen your mum for so long. I would be staying with her for the foreseeable future. What's this got to do with autism?

Quartz2208 · 31/05/2021 08:56

SO your partner accuses your children of being liars and then tells your Mum to f off - why did she pack up and leave/you stay

Undiagnosed autism firstly isnt a thing and secondly is no excuse for his behaviour at all

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2021 08:57

You do not need to rant; you need to consider whether this relationship you have with this man is or should actually be over.

All this from him too for the sake of two balls and five sticks left on the drive. This man completely overreacted and I am wondering how else he mistreats and otherwise tries to undermine you day to day now.

Why do you think he has "undiagnosed autism" which in itself is not a diagnosis?. Your own understanding of autism is very poor indeed. Lack of empathy and emotional engagement as you are now seeing from him can be attributed also him now further abusing you and in turn your children. If he has not been assessed at all re autism you cannot assume this re him. Do you think that his comments re his family of origin are red flags?. My guess too is that he further ramped up the power and control when your child by him was born.

Bagelsandbrie · 31/05/2021 08:58

He sounds unhinged. And I say that as someone who has a son with severe and complex autism. If he’s high functioning enough to get to adulthood without a proper diagnosis then it doesn’t give him the right to be an arsehole.

Why are you putting up with this?! Your poor kids and mum.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2021 09:04

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Has this man also given you the silent treatment before now when things have not gone his way or how he has expected?. I ask because if he has that is an example of emotional abuse. He is in turn abusive towards you all.

CatsGoPurrrr · 31/05/2021 09:08

By ‘undiagnosed autism’ do you mean ‘he acts like a cunt and this is what I use to excuse his behaviour’?

Regardless of whether he has autism or not, his behaviour isn’t acceptable.

What are you going to do about it, OP?

Icanflyhigh · 31/05/2021 09:16

@CatsGoPurrrr

By ‘undiagnosed autism’ do you mean ‘he acts like a cunt and this is what I use to excuse his behaviour’?

Regardless of whether he has autism or not, his behaviour isn’t acceptable.

What are you going to do about it, OP?

This.

Undiagnosed just means you think that's what it is, but you don't know for certain and it's an excuse you use for him being an absolute cunt to your children and your mum, and probably you too.

But you'll never admit this, I don't think - and it will remain as "Undiagnosed autism" which isn't a thing.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2021 09:22

You have a choice re this man; your children do not.

Undiagnosed autism indeed Hmm. Its far more plausible that he has some form of untreated and indeed untreatable personality disorder. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry.

Onlinedilema · 31/05/2021 09:26

Exactly what Catsgopurr has said.
Your do sounds deranged.
Sounds like your mum got a raw nerve with him.
So his parents never ever, told him a white lie, that's bollocks.
I bet they didn't tell him the real reason they divorced did they. Or that Father Christmas isn't real, neither is the tooth fairy or Easter Bunny. Or how about being honest and telling him, no you don't look good cos you are an ugly fucker and will never be drop dead gorgeous.
What these 'honest' people actually men is this: I want to say what the he'll I like to who I like, but I get annoyed if you do the same to me and I don't like it.

bigbaggyeyes · 31/05/2021 10:13

He's not hot auto-aim, he's a cunt. Being autistic doesn't mean he can be horrid. His behaviour isn't because he lacks empathy, it's because he's a controlling wanker

It's your house too, tell him if he doesn't like it HE can leave. Stand up for your mum

YarnOver · 31/05/2021 10:16

Undiagnosed autism isn't a thing. And autism is not an excuse for people behaving like shit because that is plain offensive to people with autism. People with Autism don't behave like shit. People who are shits do.

Viviennemary · 31/05/2021 10:17

All kids dont lie. Some do and its not good. Having folk staying is stressful especially in-laws. Of course he shouldnt have been rude. Your Mum interfered. Not on.

ShinyBlackBoots · 31/05/2021 10:19

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You have a choice re this man; your children do not.

Undiagnosed autism indeed Hmm. Its far more plausible that he has some form of untreated and indeed untreatable personality disorder. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry.

Quite. This man has 'undiagnosed autism' like I have 'undiagnosed asthma'.

I don't but I smoke so sometimes I sound a bit wheezy.

It's not the same thing.

Personally, I don't think your mum should have got involved but I'm no contact with my very abusive mother so maybe I'm not qualified to judge!

It's also a fallacy that autistic people aren't empathetic. It's just not always expressed in a way that NT want to see it performed.

DinosaurDiana · 31/05/2021 10:21

The kids heard all the swearing and him being disrespectful to his mother ?
Have you enough cases to pack all his stuff in them ? I can lend you a couple.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/05/2021 10:24

OP who came up with the undiagnosed autism idea?

Whoever it was was searching for a reason that explained his truly unpleasant behaviour. That is not what autism is. It is insulting to people with autism and does nothing to explain, let alone excuse, his behaviour.

Think about it.

Does it matter that a couple of toys are left out on your drive?

What kind of person would look at cctv to prove kids were lying?

Why were your kids scared enough to lie rather than say oops and then go out and tidy up?

Why was your mum trying to understand his thought process?

Why does the thought of questioning his family scare you?

But most of all, what joy does he bring to your life?

HerMammy · 31/05/2021 10:27

Please let’s not have another nasty abusive twats behaviour being excused as autism, it’s getting infuriating on here 🤬

category12 · 31/05/2021 10:28

So you're letting him kick your cancer-suffering mother out of the house?

MichelleScarn · 31/05/2021 10:33

*Think about it.

Does it matter that a couple of toys are left out on your drive?

What kind of person would look at cctv to prove kids were lying?

Why were your kids scared enough to lie rather than say oops and then go out and tidy up?*

This definitely, what is he usually like towards them?

Closetbeanmuncher · 31/05/2021 10:39

By ‘undiagnosed autism’ do you mean ‘he acts like a cunt and this is what I use to excuse his behaviour’?

Looks like it doesn't it

Please let’s not have another nasty abusive twats behaviour being excused as autism, it’s getting infuriating on here 🤬

Totally agree, and deeply offensive to people who are autistic or have autistic children.

Wakey Wakey OP. What you have there is garden variety cunt. Your poor mum and kids. It's him that needs to go, not your mum.

Branleuse · 31/05/2021 10:43

I would absolutely 100% split with my partner for that. I would not allow anyone to talk to my mum like that, but after everything else and the fact hes not kids dad or married to you would make that decision very simple. How dare he

Fireflygal · 31/05/2021 12:13

Do you think he has undiagnosed autism because he has no empathy, is controlling over small matters and reacts badly to criticism?

That isn't autism, it's likely to be narcisstic and toxic personality traits.

Only you can judge how your mum discussed the children lying but he over reacted in the first place. It really isn't normal to berate children for leaving a few toys out and check cctv. Children will lie especially if they fear a parent.

How long have you been with this man? Did you ignore red flags or did his behaviour escalate when you had your children?

Remember abusive partners seek to isolate you from family. Be careful that you don't end up isolated trying to placate this man.

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