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Original poster

Meeting your new partners ex

40 replies

Menora · 30/05/2021 16:57

When/how should this take place

I am looking for general thoughts on this because it’s something that has come up recently

Me: boyfriend of 1 year
His ex wife: divorced 2 years, has a new boyfriend

OP posts:

funnylittlefloozie · 30/05/2021 17:18

Why would you need to? Only if there are children involved, I guess.

My partner has met my exH. I have not met his exW, and have no interest in doing so. The difference is, exH and I have a child, so we're always going to be that bit connected.

Otherwise, I would have no interest in exs or indeed new partners.

Original poster

Menora · 30/05/2021 17:19

I don’t have any interest either - the ex wants us all to meet up

OP posts:

category12 · 30/05/2021 17:29

Is it because they have children together?

Original poster

Menora · 30/05/2021 17:39

They do yes

They are friendly but not friends iyswim. She has been quite pushy about coming Into his new house to check it out and it’s made him uncomfortable

I am not moving in with my BF for the foreseeable (she’s already asked him about that) and our kids have met over the past year, she’s aware that we aren’t doing a full blended family thing. Maybe in a few years

She’s announced she moving in with her new Bf who has met the kids 4/5 times in the past 2 months and the followed that by suggesting we all meet up as a group so they can check out each other’s partners that they are not weirdos

OP posts:

ShinyBlackBoots · 30/05/2021 18:16

It's a control thing.

No way I'd let an ex inside my house if it made me feel uncomfortable to do so. There's no end for you to all meet either.

She's suggesting for one of three reasons, and possibly all.

she thinks her new bf is better than her ex and wants him to feel inferior/insecure/envious.
she wants to check you out to convince herself she is better than you.
she is going to be the epitome of social graces and try and put you both on the back foot.

I wouldn't agree to it. Especially as they are not friends and are just friendly for the sake of the children.

ShinyBlackBoots · 30/05/2021 18:17

Besides, you wouldn't get a feel for whether someone was a 'weirdo' in a brief meeting.

category12 · 30/05/2021 18:22

I think there might be other less malicious motives she wants to meet the OP, ShinyBlackBoots. All yours seem very set on the ex being a horror.

One reason might be wanting to meet the person who might be/is spending time with her children and who they talk about.

It might be interesting to meet her and get a feel for the dynamics yourself, OP. But you'd need to go in with an open mind.

Original poster

Menora · 30/05/2021 18:24

Thanks. I am more interested in a natural meeting, ie a birthday party or child drop off and boyfriend is too but like with coming in his house, she is being a little pushy. I really have no idea what she gains from it

When he says no to something she will continue to ask him with all kinds of comments attached like ‘don’t you trust me’ or ‘don’t you want to make sure my boyfriend isn't a paedo’.

It’s these comments which put me off and I said to BF this is my concern. if I was asked something inappropriate/rude/intrusive I might be quite upfront with her about finding it rude. From what he has said she wants to know things why we aren’t moving in together like she is with her boyfriend.

OP posts:

MadMadMadamMim · 30/05/2021 18:27

I'd just decline.

BF can say what he likes to her, deal with her how he likes. If she's pestering him that's his problem.

I wouldn't be meeting her at her instigation though. I'd not be interested in having any contact whatsoever with her. You don't live together and it's fuck all of her business who you are or what you are like.

ravenmum · 30/05/2021 18:41

Paedophiles don't have it stamped on their foreheads - how would a meeting tell you anything? And if one person did think the new partner was weird, what would happen then? Would they have a veto?

She is probably just curious, but if you are not interested, then the best approach would probably just be not to respond - "not interested, thanks". But that communication with her is up to your bf, not you. If you are not interested, you should really just be able to say that to your bf and not hear any more about it... not have him going on to you about what she thinks and what she has said.

I've been with my bf 4+ years - no plans to live together, he has his 11yo 50-50. I've seen his ex maybe a couple of times a year when she's picked up their dd. Never spoken to her.

ShinyBlackBoots · 30/05/2021 18:52

@category12

I think there might be other less malicious motives she wants to meet the OP, ShinyBlackBoots.

All yours seem very set on the ex being a horror.

One reason might be wanting to meet the person who might be/is spending time with her children and who they talk about.

It might be interesting to meet her and get a feel for the dynamics yourself, OP. But you'd need to go in with an open mind.

It's the OP saying she's being pushy and there being no obvious need for it.

unicornsarereal72 · 30/05/2021 18:58

If you look on the step parenting board there are a few of these threads there.

My ex left me nearly 4 years ago now for OW. I had no interest in her then than I do now. He is the child's parent. What and who he spends his time with when the children are in his care is up to him. As I decide in my time.

This is easy for me as the children are with him so little. It really isn't a parenting role in anyway.

For more hands on and involved families I can see why it might be appropriate. You are still allowed to decline though if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Original poster

Menora · 30/05/2021 19:47

I said to him it made me feel uncomfortable but I would go if he wanted me to
He doesn’t expect me to go and doesn’t really feel a burning need to meet her boyfriend either

I’m not sure she will drop it though

OP posts:

SmokeyDevil · 30/05/2021 20:00

She's just wanting to see if she's better than you and rub the new BF in her exs face. Just ignore her.

ShinyBlackBoots · 30/05/2021 20:07

@Menora

I said to him it made me feel uncomfortable but I would go if he wanted me to He doesn’t expect me to go and doesn’t really feel a burning need to meet her boyfriend either

I’m not sure she will drop it though

It doesn't matter if she drops it or not. If neither of you want to do it, don't do it. She's not your boss.

KarmaNoMore · 30/05/2021 20:07

I met most of my ex’s exes and I think your approach to do it naturally at a drop off / game / party is the best one. I have never agreed to a request from the ex to meet me as every woman who has asked for that seemed to be quite controlling, territorial or damn right abusive so by refusing to meet them I kept myself out of all the drama.

BrilliantBetty · 30/05/2021 20:10

I would want to meet someone who was going to be spending regular time with my DC

KarmaNoMore · 30/05/2021 20:13

I would too, but you need to respect your ex, his choices and what he does with his time with the children.

It is ok to meet casually but to demand an introduction is normally very very controlling.

Original poster

Menora · 30/05/2021 20:39

I see the kids once a week or so, I’m not left alone with them and my relationship with them is entirely through just hanging out in a group with their dad present so even if I was a weirdo, that would be on him. He told her he trusted her judgement on her BF, I think she might persist and my opinion on that is because she is she’s super nosy?

BF says the kids have been quite unsettled and she has been talking to him about it. There is more of a story that he basically has almost all the child caring responsibilities and although he tries to stay out of voicing any opinion on whatever she is doing (or not doing) I think she’s feeling suddenly aware of all the changes happening and thinks if we are some kind of unit this will help.

OP posts:

Sampafie · 31/05/2021 03:22

Sounds like she realllly wants to check you out in person. Are you on SM? Have you seen how she looks before? Methinks she thinks hes punching below his weight and wants to confirm it Live

ode2me · 31/05/2021 03:45

@Sampafie

Sounds like she realllly wants to check you out in person. Are you on SM? Have you seen how she looks before? Methinks she thinks hes punching below his weight and wants to confirm it Live

What does methinks mean? I am so bad at inherent talk, I'm sorry!

Mintjulia · 31/05/2021 03:48

I don't see the need to meet formally at all. Agree, It sounds a bit nosey and weird to me.

I have this with my ex's new woman. They live four counties away. She and I have nothing in common. Our ds stays at his Df's house maybe 25 nights a year and is old enough to not need any hands-on care. So she really has no involvement and Ds makes no demands on her time. Yet she keeps asking to 'meet up and chat'. I work ft and really don't have time for something so unnecessary. I just ignore it.
In your case the dcs are younger but your dp just needs to make it clear that he cares for them at his house, not you.

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 03:57

Nah, I would just tell him no thanks. You don't want to, so that's a good enough reason.

Otherwise, that kinda starts a pattern of your BF's ex having a say in what you do and you getting entangled with her.

Especially when you don't even live with your BF, I don't see any reason you're obligated, even out of simple decency. Divorced people have to accept that they won't be included in every aspect of what goes on when their ex has the kids, regardless of what their preference would be. I suspect drama on the horizon in this situation, so I wouldn't play.

The worst thing to do with someone who is persistent is give in to them. That shows them that they have some control over you and it likely won't be the end of it.

I think a casual, short, chance meeting if you ever happen to run into each other re his kids is sufficient.

Original poster

Menora · 31/05/2021 04:35

She is very good at making BF feel like he is being out of order and unreasonable about things like this. Thanks for input it’s confirmed in my mind the natural meeting route is the better option!

OP posts:

Gilda152 · 31/05/2021 04:38

If you don't want to meet, don't. Just let the three of them meet without you. It's in your BF's best interests in the long run to have a cordial relationship with his co-parent and any potential step parent but if you're not comfortable with that don't feel forced to partake, let them get on with it.

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