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Original poster

Have you ever had a friend like this?

32 replies

kimball · 30/05/2021 01:53

We've known each other for 3-4 years and have children of same age. At first she seemed isolated as she was going through a divorce and lacked boundaries (inviting herself over to my house 2-3 times a week) and pushing her way into family activities, but things settled down after some boundary setting.

We are part of a group of 4 who get together without husbands/kids once a week. Almost every time she posts pictures of what we're doing with gushing comments about how special our friendships are, which the rest of us find a little odd.

Another thing is she's overly interested in getting to know my other friends (outside our friendship group) and family. She adds them on social media and starts commenting on everything as if they're old friends. With most of my friends they've only met her once.

As time went on she still wants to talk about her personal problems all the time and the rest of us do not want to rehash her divorce anymore and she became upset and sent a message to all of us saying things aren't the same anymore and she will be stepping back to work on herself. We were surprised but also relieved, we now see she's doing the same with a new group of mums (almost daily posts of 'so glad to have found friends like these,etc').

She always said she has no problems making friends but has never managed to keep any long term.

I'm ok about it coming to an end as it became very draining towards the end as what I was prepared to commit to the friendship obviously was not enough for her. But it has been a whirlwind and I am left confused by many of the things which happened in the last year and just wanted to try and make sense of it all.

We really had some fun and she could be wonderful in many ways but the last 6 months was so toxic with many push/pull tactics to get the emotional support she wanted and a feeling of suffocation from her constant negativity vents about her situation.

Is she a 'type' of personality that there is resources out there to learn about so I know how to spot and avoid in the future or is it she a one off weirdness that I can forget about?

OP posts:
BigHeadBertha · 30/05/2021 01:59

I was thinking possibly borderline personality disorder (I think it's called something a little different from that in the UK). It's characterized by strangely intense, short term connections and kinda whirling through life like a tornado, leaving a trail of chaos behind them.

Then again, if she's in the middle of a divorce, she might just be having something of a drawn out breakdown.

bathmatandbin · 30/05/2021 02:07

Have you lost sight of how hard life has been for everyone this last year? Has she struggled like many ìf us ?

Original poster
kimball · 30/05/2021 02:25

@BigHeadBertha
OMG. Just had a quick read and yes, so many characteristics ring true. Thank you. I will look into it further.

@bathmatandbin
No, I don't think so. We live in a country where we experienced almost no lockdown. If anything her business prospered during Covid, so absolutely, this is not a factor. We are all sympathetic about her relationship issue but it came to a point where

  1. She became angry if we try to give a balanced view and offer a different perspective as to why her ex or wider family disagree with her on certain issues
  2. She called us unsupportive when we kept our mouths shut knowing she doesn't want to hear anything other total agreement with her view

There was no way to go forward in this friendship from my point of view.

When discussing other things we all get on fine but this was also a major sticking point as we were rarely able to as she always brought any discussion back to her problems and sulked if we change the subject. It felt so high school. We're all in our late 30s, early 40s.

OP posts:
PinkSatinMoon · 30/05/2021 03:07

www.liveabout.com/what-is-a-friend-stealer-1385128

🌸

Original poster
kimball · 30/05/2021 09:51

@PinkSatinMoon

www.liveabout.com/what-is-a-friend-stealer-1385128

🌸

I did read the link but I am not sure that is her motivation. It's hard to explain but it feels like she wants to be part of every aspect of my life. It is true that I do have more 'influential' friends who could help her further her business or are her target market but she hasn't really exploited them commercially. Her motivation, I would guess, is to gain access, more control, embedding herself into my social life. It's hard to explain but it feels sinister and even now she has reduced contact with me and she is still constantly fawning over them on their social media but most of them find it odd but are polite people so don't block her or anything like that.

I'm aware how immature it sounds and am embarrassed by this.

OP posts:
justawoman · 30/05/2021 09:55

Sounds like she’s just a bit emotionally needy and immature. And she’s moved on so at least she’s not your problem any more.

Films and popular culture often idealise female friendships and groups and perhaps if she’s feeling lonely after her divorce she’s trying, badly, to arrange that.

SarahBellam · 30/05/2021 10:15

I’m not psychologist and it takes ages to get personality disorders diagnosed but it does sound like she has some of the behaviours associated borderline personality disorder. This DOES NOT mean she has it but awareness of those behaviours means that you can work out how to manage them better.

ChangePart1 · 30/05/2021 16:34

I had a friend who did the whole adding alllll of my other friends after meeting them once thing, and then trying to chat to me casually about them as if he knew them. For example he’d meet a friend (Sarah) once at my birthday get together, add her and her partner on fb, and then when we talked he’d casually be like oh Sarah seemed to enjoy this activity (that he’d seen on fb!) the other day, how are her and her partner getting on?

He was quite lonely and had very few friends when I met him, and glommed onto mine. One day I realised we had fifty mutual friends on Facebook and all but one of them were my own friends.

It was creepy as heck, he was everywhere. Commenting on every single status or picture, of mine or theirs. Posting comments that implied he knew me really deeply to get the point across that he was somehow in my in circle. Started taking up my hobbies.

In the end I set him to restricted on fb, stopped opening any messages, and just completely ceased interacting with him. I felt I couldn’t block or delete him as we would see one another at events frequently, but he was so spineless he would never actually address or question the fact I had frozen him out. If he did I’d have told him why, but he was just happy to continue with the fiction I think that we were great friends, years after our actual friendship came to an end.

Original poster
kimball · 31/05/2021 01:12

@justawoman
That's a good way to look at it and I agree that probably contributed to the problems in the end. Thank you.

@SarahBellam
I have read up on it as also suggested by a PP and many things rang alarm bells for me, especially more recent her inexplicable personality switch and outrage when faced with anything other than total unquestioning, unwavering agreement. This fits the description of being on best behaviour to draw in friends and only then true self is revealed. But again, I'm not sure if she has it, definitely she has certain traits. I have googled some reading on friendships with people with BPD and reached a conclusion that whether she has it or not. They are her issues and her choices and I can't 'fake it' to fit her ideals of what a good friend should be and there is little point is trying to dissect what happened.

@ChangePart1
Yes, creepy is the word. I don't think my former friend has gone as far as yours but it is intrusive and just part and parcel of her inappropriate boundary issues. It is like a little dog wilfully marking its territory - pathetic, pitiful and irritating.

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 31/05/2021 04:34

As you said, it's all a bit high school , including you ruminating on it by dissecting her character and personality now. It was a friendship that has ended. Move on from it.

updownroundandround · 31/05/2021 06:51

It sounds to me that she may well be on the Autistic spectrum.

The rushing to make friends, but then being unaware that she is being 'pushy' or 'selfish' with her demands coupled with her inability to 'see' or 'understand' any other point of view except hers is so very typical of Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

musicalfrog · 31/05/2021 07:05

I have a friend with BPD and if anything she disappears on me for long stretches of time, not even replying to messages half the time. Used to worry me but now I realise it's just part of how she rolls. When we do catch up (usually spontaneously as she often cancels plans we have made) we are just as close even though months may have passed. I guess it affects individuals differently though.

fat13 · 31/05/2021 07:10

She just sounds a bit lonely and needy, not necessarily sinister. I’m sure I did embarrassing stuff like this when younger.

WineAcademy · 31/05/2021 07:14

I just call these people emotional vampires. I had a friend like this, lots of drama being constantly rehashed. When I told her I couldn't continue the high level of support she required of me, she immediately ended the friendship. She had previously told me that she regarded me as one of her closest friends, but I was dropped very quickly when I asserted a boundary. Live and learn - intense people sound alarm bells for me now, and I won't get involved.

TheCreationOfDistance · 31/05/2021 07:34

I really hate how people are quick to jump to a diagnosis - it’s borderline personality disorder, it’s autism, etc. There are many shades of behaviours & friendships and her way of doing things doesn’t suit your boundaries. Best to a draw line under it and move on.

fat13 · 31/05/2021 07:39

It’s really bizarre creation!

People don’t have to ‘be’ something. It really sounds like a lonely woman to me. That’s all.

DoingItMyself · 31/05/2021 07:43

Good grief.
You sound pretty horrible, OP. Unkind and judgmental. Is that what you intended?
She's just a bit desperate. She's trying to do the thing, be a friend, have friends. She needs that and it's not unreasonable of her to try to find ways to fulfil her need.
Unfortunately, she stumbled upon you. But, she's realised her error and is moving on.
She doesn't sound at all autistic to me - we'd have avoided you/people from the off.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 31/05/2021 08:03

She's a narcissist. Just be thankful she walked away.

Original poster
kimball · 31/05/2021 08:13

@Gilda152

As you said, it's all a bit high school , including you ruminating on it by dissecting her character and personality now. It was a friendship that has ended. Move on from it.
I would be happy to close the door on it apart from she is now latching on to my friends (and it's escalating) whom she has met once, at most twice. If she wants to step back this is not what I expect would happen. Hence why it bothers me. Stepping back to me means something else.
OP posts:
Original poster
kimball · 31/05/2021 08:15

@WineAcademy

I just call these people emotional vampires. I had a friend like this, lots of drama being constantly rehashed. When I told her I couldn't continue the high level of support she required of me, she immediately ended the friendship. She had previously told me that she regarded me as one of her closest friends, but I was dropped very quickly when I asserted a boundary. Live and learn - intense people sound alarm bells for me now, and I won't get involved.
What you described is close to my experience with this friendship. It's the contacting my friends who are pretty much strangers that is unsettling me.
OP posts:
Original poster
kimball · 31/05/2021 08:16

@DoingItMyself

Good grief. You sound pretty horrible, OP. Unkind and judgmental. Is that what you intended? She's just a bit desperate. She's trying to do the thing, be a friend, have friends. She needs that and it's not unreasonable of her to try to find ways to fulfil her need. Unfortunately, she stumbled upon you. But, she's realised her error and is moving on. She doesn't sound at all autistic to me - we'd have avoided you/people from the off.
Ok
OP posts:
fairydust11 · 31/05/2021 08:16

Op this post comes across as slightly judgemental to me. Yes this friend may be toxic (although from what you’ve said nothing really alarming has stood out to me - apart from coming around the house unannounced - which I would hate but as you said with boundaries that has stopped.) Tbh I don’t see how her adding your friends on social media is an issue? She sounds like she’s lonely & wants to meet other people & during the past year how else was she supposed to do that? It’s not like she’s never met those friends- now that WOULD be odd...You’re then saying your friend who went through a divorce wants to talk about it - but you don’t want to rehash her old problems? That’s not really being a supportive friend in my opinion. To me it sounds like you’re both better off now she has found a new group. From everything you have put - she doesn’t sound like she has narcissistic personality disorder - but you may have more examples of specific things she has done - in my opinion you just don’t sound or seem like similar people at all that’s all. I don’t think she’s a personality type you can avoid as to me she doesn’t sound alarmingly toxic - but my advice is just keep boundaries with all new friends going forward. Good luck.

YouShouldLeave · 31/05/2021 08:26

She sound lonely more than anything.
Maybe low self-esteem.
Someone who just wants to belong.

The way you talk about her, i’d say she had a lucky break.

Diagnosing disorders is way out of line.

Plumedenom · 31/05/2021 08:34

Knowing the friends of people's friends is a way of rooting the friendship deeper. It is normally a natural progression built over many years but I can see why that would be very creepy if forced.
It sounds like she is aware that her friendships are often superficial so she desperately tries to plant those roots, but in doing so actually damages the delicate bud of a friendship that she has. Enough of the plant analogy, but it's actually quite sad.

Original poster
kimball · 31/05/2021 08:37

@fairydust11

Op this post comes across as slightly judgemental to me. Yes this friend may be toxic (although from what you’ve said nothing really alarming has stood out to me - apart from coming around the house unannounced - which I would hate but as you said with boundaries that has stopped.) Tbh I don’t see how her adding your friends on social media is an issue? She sounds like she’s lonely & wants to meet other people & during the past year how else was she supposed to do that? It’s not like she’s never met those friends- now that WOULD be odd...You’re then saying your friend who went through a divorce wants to talk about it - but you don’t want to rehash her old problems? That’s not really being a supportive friend in my opinion. To me it sounds like you’re both better off now she has found a new group. From everything you have put - she doesn’t sound like she has narcissistic personality disorder - but you may have more examples of specific things she has done - in my opinion you just don’t sound or seem like similar people at all that’s all. I don’t think she’s a personality type you can avoid as to me she doesn’t sound alarmingly toxic - but my advice is just keep boundaries with all new friends going forward. Good luck.
It's very hard to compress the last year/or overall 4 years into something that can be posted here that would explain it fully.

What I am saying (poorly) is that we were not good for each other anymore and I agree the friendship ending is a good thing. I am relieved.I feel light at this prospect.

It is the boundary issue again. Contacting my friends, I will never find to be normal because it isn't. Where are the boundaries? Some of these are my childhood friends of 30 years plus. Some live permanently abroad and there is no chance of forming a friendship. I'm not talking about a few. She has tried with 20-30 people. If this is normal for other people then I stand corrected but I don't understand it and it just feels more like more hot/cold and push/pull (I'm still here. Are you ignoring me? Why are you online but not talking replying to me this instance?) of the last year.

I will leave it now. Giving it more headspace is just more of the head fuck I suspect this is. Thank you for the balanced replies.

OP posts:
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