Have you ever had a friend like this?

[kimball]

We've known each other for 3-4 years and have children of same age. At first she seemed isolated as she was going through a divorce and lacked boundaries (inviting herself over to my house 2-3 times a week) and pushing her way into family activities, but things settled down after some boundary setting.

We are part of a group of 4 who get together without husbands/kids once a week. Almost every time she posts pictures of what we're doing with gushing comments about how special our friendships are, which the rest of us find a little odd.

Another thing is she's overly interested in getting to know my other friends (outside our friendship group) and family. She adds them on social media and starts commenting on everything as if they're old friends. With most of my friends they've only met her once.

As time went on she still wants to talk about her personal problems all the time and the rest of us do not want to rehash her divorce anymore and she became upset and sent a message to all of us saying things aren't the same anymore and she will be stepping back to work on herself. We were surprised but also relieved, we now see she's doing the same with a new group of mums (almost daily posts of 'so glad to have found friends like these,etc').

She always said she has no problems making friends but has never managed to keep any long term.

I'm ok about it coming to an end as it became very draining towards the end as what I was prepared to commit to the friendship obviously was not enough for her. But it has been a whirlwind and I am left confused by many of the things which happened in the last year and just wanted to try and make sense of it all.

We really had some fun and she could be wonderful in many ways but the last 6 months was so toxic with many push/pull tactics to get the emotional support she wanted and a feeling of suffocation from her constant negativity vents about her situation.

Is she a 'type' of personality that there is resources out there to learn about so I know how to spot and avoid in the future or is it she a one off weirdness that I can forget about?

I don’t think it’s normal OP but what I’m trying to say and I think others are is that what is at the root of it isn’t necessarily a personality disorder but being very lonely.

When I was younger, I used to create profiles on social media to follow me to make it look like I had more friends than I did! I even used to comment/like my photos (I’m cringing, I’m so embarrassed!)

It was just SO many of my friends were always being tagged in cocktail bars, on lovely holidays, I felt so inadequate.

I was a bit like your friend in that I wasn’t brilliant with boundaries but I didn’t have a family so didn’t know what was intruding on a family.

I’m nice I promise! But I did struggle with transitioning to adult life.

I think you’ve done the right thing in stepping back. I just don’t think it’s autism or borderline or anything like that. Just someone lonely.

I had a friend like this and found it utterly exhausting. Similarly to you I met through the kids and there was drama after drama from her and she was always upset and finding something hard. At first I genuinely tried to be kind and was sympathetic and felt awful for her. But after a couple of years I realised there was a pattern, and also that she had zero interest in reciprocating when I was going through a tough time.

She was very intense and showered me with compliments etc at the start, and I thought she was a lovely person. Also wanted to get to know my friends and would then be funny if I saw them and not her. But when I was ill for a few months and couldn't go out, she got bored and started to find new friends. Once I was better these new friends were a 'really close group' and I kept hearing about how amazing they were. I definitely felt discarded and a bit used and I decided the friendship wasn't what I thought it was so gave it a wide berth. Would still text occasionally and would be pleasant if I bumped into her.

Didn't hear from her for ages (during which time I had a couple of significant life events) but then recently she wanted to get back in touch because of some new drama that she wants support with. I can now see things for what they are. Sorry you have had this experience. Some people seem to like living for the drama and suck people like us in. I hope you are ok - it is exhausting a bit sad for you

See that doesn’t sound like OPs situation at all!

@kimball - you’re right it’s not normal - the boundaries issue doesn’t really fully come across in your first post - everything you’ve added I wouldn’t like either. I think it’s a good thing that the friendship is over and a relief I’m guessing. She’s looking for something that you as a friend can’t give. From the sounds of it, I think she is very lonely and just reaching out to anyone in a needy way. She may not realise how she comes across. I don’t think she has a personality type though. I just think you possibly met her at a difficult time in her life and she latched onto you. Yes, I would move on and try not to think about it anymore.

@fat13

I don’t think it’s normal OP but what I’m trying to say and I think others are is that what is at the root of it isn’t necessarily a personality disorder but being very lonely.

When I was younger, I used to create profiles on social media to follow me to make it look like I had more friends than I did! I even used to comment/like my photos (I’m cringing, I’m so embarrassed!)

It was just SO many of my friends were always being tagged in cocktail bars, on lovely holidays, I felt so inadequate.

I was a bit like your friend in that I wasn’t brilliant with boundaries but I didn’t have a family so didn’t know what was intruding on a family.

I’m nice I promise! But I did struggle with transitioning to adult life.

I think you’ve done the right thing in stepping back. I just don’t think it’s autism or borderline or anything like that. Just someone lonely.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm sure it's not easy to think back to this. She is lonely and I know that. But there comes a point when a relationship becomes untenable when daily contact, weekly meet up, normal friendship support are not enough and 'the bond' must be stress tested regularly to ensure I/the others are a good friend to her. It's a vicious cycle.

If she could just take things as they come then I think we would be fine.

She is not a bad person, and I did genuinely enjoy her company but the last year, the feeling that every time your phone pings you're on a timer to respond and how quickly you do correlates to how much you care just got tiring very, very quickly. (Just one example before someone thinks this is the totality of what happened).

So, I think you are right she is lonely. But the ways in which she asks for reassurance is the very thing that drives people away. I had sympathy but eventually it was outweighed by frustration and resentment.

Agree with others that she sounds lonely and maybe is not skilled at making friends, going back a long way. She tries but gets it wrong.
Meanwhile OP seems to like telling everyone about how this woman kept following her and trying to be her friend, oh such a pain to be so popular.
If you really didn’t like it that much you could have gently eased back a long time ago while still supporting her from more of a distance (if you genuinely wanted to help rather than just making yourself look like The One Everyone Wants).

@Coronawireless

Agree with others that she sounds lonely and maybe is not skilled at making friends, going back a long way. She tries but gets it wrong. Meanwhile OP seems to like telling everyone about how this woman kept following her and trying to be her friend, oh such a pain to be so popular. If you really didn’t like it that much you could have gently eased back a long time ago while still supporting her from more of a distance (if you genuinely wanted to help rather than just making yourself look like The One Everyone Wants).

That's not what I said at all.