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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How bad is this?

28 replies

ALittlerunaway · 29/05/2021 19:37

DH hasn't been one to care much for his appearance, probably since we married. In 10 years, he's gained a lot of weight, wears awful, old clothes which don't fit well, doesn't style his hair, doesn't take care of his skin which is flaky, sometimes forgets to brush his teeth.

Now that restrictions are lifting and we can get out again, I've become aware of my own embarrassment at being out with him. It actually really gets me down.

My friend made a passing joke recently about the disgusting state of his shoes. It dawned on me that I am not ok with the way he looks.

We've discussed it in the past and DH agrees that he needs to make more effort so he does, but it fades out again. A make or break conversation was had a couple of weeks ago, but he's back to wearing his disgusting shoes again with his oil stained work jumper on a Saturday.

There are other smaller issues in our marriage, but this is possibly the biggest. AIBU to consider leaving him?

OP posts:
Shelovesamystery · 29/05/2021 19:39

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like this. Especially the lack of teeth brushed (yuck). YWNBU at all to leave IMHO.

Shelovesamystery · 29/05/2021 19:40

*teeth brushing

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2021 19:44

Another grotty, disgusting man. He is showing a complete lack of respect for you, never mind himself. He just doesn't give a fuck.

I would be out of there so fast his head would spin.

Dancingsmile · 29/05/2021 19:45

I would find this impossible to live with too.
I'm also thinking his lack of self care would also reflect in other ways.
Is he lackadaisical or uncaring about other things ?
What is his thought process when choosing clothes - which top ? Let's put dirty one on. Which shoes? Let's put the broken ones on. He will have a choice when dressing but chooses the dirty or broken ones , that's odd.

Tanfastic · 29/05/2021 19:46

You've told him so there's not much more you can do.

I couldn't put up with this, I'd have to move on.

Yellowhighheels · 29/05/2021 20:22

I went out with a man like this and was straight with him, helped him clear out old crap, shop for new clothes etc (money was not an issue). He really liked me and tried for a bit but in the end could not shake his filthy habits. It was a deal breaker. I didn't want sex with a man who was unclean and could not present himself decently. Quite honestly, I think you've said your piece and he isn't reacting. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you too and if so, act on it. He knows the problems, they're not unreasonable- you're not asking him to wear a dinner suit every night- and he is not changing.

That said, does this just feel like a gradual decline from quite a low starting point rather than a substantive change which might be a sign of a mental health issue that might need addressing?

randomkey123 · 29/05/2021 20:30

I regularly cull DH's wardrobe, 1 item at a time so he never really notices. He's wearing a rugby shirt today that just came up on my FB memories from 12 years ago....... and it's threadbare around the collar. So that's next in the bin.

He's got issues around clothes....... has to feel right, sit in a certain way, not have labels in etc. And he finds new things make him very agitated. We have a sit down every 6 months where I say "righto, you're going into your scruff period again, let's order some new clothes" and if I'm lucky, a 4 or 5 hour internet shopping session will result in one item that gets kept. It's painful.

Blue4YOU · 29/05/2021 20:31

I’d hate the not brushing teeth but otherwise it wouldn’t bother me too much..
Hard to explain but I’m probably a bit of a scruff myself.
Not dirty but not immaculate- well not since being a mother and not able to work etc.
So maybe he’s not bothered (lockdown etc...) but doesn’t intend to offend..?
It’s tough. I wouldn’t go out shopping (I don’t anyway), to pub, restaurant or any social events looking scruffy though.

SwimBaby · 29/05/2021 20:32

Is he depressed?

Aprilwasverywet · 29/05/2021 20:36

In his defense this past year has been utter chaos. Maybe his old togs are comforting?

Enough4me · 29/05/2021 20:40

Some of my clothes are years old and sometimes my hair only has a quick brush. There is, however, a distinction between having relaxed days when you are indoors and completely giving up and wearing dirty clothes and having stinking breath.

Blueskytoday06 · 29/05/2021 20:44

I'd at least give him chance to try and improve his appearance before you bin him.

Original poster
ALittlerunaway · 29/05/2021 21:03

I've wondered if he's depressed @swimbaby but he told me that prior to dating me, he was often this way.

My friends say he seems depressed, but it has been going on for a long time and I wonder if he enjoys life in a depressive state? Who knows.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 29/05/2021 21:07

Have you tried telling him that he needs a wardrobe update because he looks like a bloody tramp. Theres no point beating around the bush if its got to an embarrassing stage.

tenredthings · 29/05/2021 21:13

I wouldn't care about the clothes or hair cut but lack of cleanliness, basic hygiene and unhealthy eating would turn me right off. He is entitled to not care about these things but he needs to realize that that probably means he'll end up living alone !

JustGiveMeGin · 30/05/2021 08:29

I would care a lot! I mostly make an effort (we all have days when we can't be bothered) even when I don't feel like it a wash, teeth cleaned and clean presentable clothes are a must.
If my husband was like yours we wouldn't still be together....incompatible views on things like this don't make for a happy couple.

Dailydingo · 30/05/2021 08:49

This is my H. Are we married to the same person !
Clothes thrown on floor and trodden on, picked up to wear, mix of clean and dirty. Holes in boxers and socks, no pride. No 'signature scent' aftershave, no wearing trendy aftershave. Doesn't believe in brushing teeth at night. Thinks its weird to have a shower at night, even if he's been to the gym (which is v v rare). Shoes scuffed and all v old. Some he still wears and he had before he met 20 years ago. Never trimmed his pubic hair, its like a bushy mess. Issues with cock smells to the extent his hand smells of his cock from fondling it of an eve. He can often have a wet pee patch on the front of his grey shorts. Absolutely stinks the loo out when having a poo. Leaves lumps of shit type skids on side of inner bowl and tells me he will wash it off with his pee next time he goes. Barely uses the bleach, which i make sure is by the loo at all times. Pees with his dick pointing upwards, every time
Gets cross if I ask him why he does that. He creates a pee fountain as he does it. He has to wipe the toilet seat as the fountain splashes everywhere. Clothes can be musty sometimes from lack of drying (he has to do all own washing, i refuse to do it). He still wears them. I want to separate but don't have the balls to do it (also kids involved).
I feel your pain OP. If you have the balls, then leave.
Sending you FlowersFlowers

Dailydingo · 30/05/2021 08:51

Oh and he has unhealthy eating too. Such a turn off seeing him scoff a multi pack of choc bars

OldTinHat · 30/05/2021 09:06

I dated a guy a few years back who turned up for our first date looking hot and smelling gorgeous. Yes he was massively overweight at 25 st but we had a great time. Within a matter of weeks he reverted to his usual state (it transpired) of not showering or cleaning his teeth and wearing the exact clothes he wore to work (he was a tree surgeon) on dates complete with stains and holes. His house was disgustingly filthy - I went round with my dog once. My dog snuffled along the bottom of the kitchen units and appeared at the other end with a moustache! Run for the hills OP!!

Original poster
Alittlerunaway · 30/05/2021 09:12

@dailydingo I was howling at some of your descriptions here. But to live with it must be bloody awful.
I can see how disrespectful he's being towards you by living like this. Mine doesn't brush his teeth at night either and wears threadbare underwear. He doesn't see the point in buying new clothes and waits for his brother to give him his hand me downs.

I think I have the balls to leave, but I often feel like I'm being a bit too critical of him. He was a bit sloppy when we met, but nothing like how he is now. I keep thinking that there was obviously something which attracted me to him. Sometimes, I do feel attracted to him, when he's being funny, or really caring towards me and helping me with something that's bothering me.

But overall, he's emotionally neglectful too. Is yours like this?

The eating drives me crazy, particularly when he chooses unhealthy foods infront of the children or loads his plate up like a mountain at meal times.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 30/05/2021 09:27

@Dailydingo

This is my H. Are we married to the same person ! Clothes thrown on floor and trodden on, picked up to wear, mix of clean and dirty. Holes in boxers and socks, no pride. No 'signature scent' aftershave, no wearing trendy aftershave. Doesn't believe in brushing teeth at night. Thinks its weird to have a shower at night, even if he's been to the gym (which is v v rare). Shoes scuffed and all v old. Some he still wears and he had before he met 20 years ago. Never trimmed his pubic hair, its like a bushy mess. Issues with cock smells to the extent his hand smells of his cock from fondling it of an eve. He can often have a wet pee patch on the front of his grey shorts. Absolutely stinks the loo out when having a poo. Leaves lumps of shit type skids on side of inner bowl and tells me he will wash it off with his pee next time he goes. Barely uses the bleach, which i make sure is by the loo at all times. Pees with his dick pointing upwards, every time Gets cross if I ask him why he does that. He creates a pee fountain as he does it. He has to wipe the toilet seat as the fountain splashes everywhere. Clothes can be musty sometimes from lack of drying (he has to do all own washing, i refuse to do it). He still wears them. I want to separate but don't have the balls to do it (also kids involved). I feel your pain OP. If you have the balls, then leave. Sending you FlowersFlowers
That sounds utterly repulsive.

OP, leave him.
He will only get worse.
You are wasting your life.

Vegiepatch · 30/05/2021 09:58

Just another perspective....

I work with autistic kids, my son has Aspergers and my ex and his dad does too, and my uncle.
This is a very common trait with autism. (I’m not saying your DH has Aspergers but he could have that particular trait in his personality).

In that context it’s a complete lack of insight, awareness and could be, to a certain extent, part of their interoception, where their brain and body don’t connect effectively ( for example brain doesn’t register cold, hot, thirst, hunger, fatigue, toileting, etc appropriately).

And can also be to do with executive functioning too. (Google lack of).

Can you compromise and set dealbreakers for nice clothes for outings (and you will have to organise it or set up his wardrobe into home clothes and outing clothes) and set a reminder on his watch or other, to remind to brush hair, teeth etc.

I work as a support worker with a young adult with Aspergers/ADHD and we are in process of setting up an iPad with set tasks because she can’t remember to do things on a daily basis.

She is an extremely motivated person but her ASD/ADHD prevent her from being able to be organised on a daily basis which is frustrating and a burden for her partner.

With kids, we use visuals posted around the house. These work really well, as does a task checklist.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/05/2021 10:16

@Dailydingo

This is my H. Are we married to the same person ! Clothes thrown on floor and trodden on, picked up to wear, mix of clean and dirty. Holes in boxers and socks, no pride. No 'signature scent' aftershave, no wearing trendy aftershave. Doesn't believe in brushing teeth at night. Thinks its weird to have a shower at night, even if he's been to the gym (which is v v rare). Shoes scuffed and all v old. Some he still wears and he had before he met 20 years ago. Never trimmed his pubic hair, its like a bushy mess. Issues with cock smells to the extent his hand smells of his cock from fondling it of an eve. He can often have a wet pee patch on the front of his grey shorts. Absolutely stinks the loo out when having a poo. Leaves lumps of shit type skids on side of inner bowl and tells me he will wash it off with his pee next time he goes. Barely uses the bleach, which i make sure is by the loo at all times. Pees with his dick pointing upwards, every time Gets cross if I ask him why he does that. He creates a pee fountain as he does it. He has to wipe the toilet seat as the fountain splashes everywhere. Clothes can be musty sometimes from lack of drying (he has to do all own washing, i refuse to do it). He still wears them. I want to separate but don't have the balls to do it (also kids involved). I feel your pain OP. If you have the balls, then leave. Sending you FlowersFlowers
This actually made me feel sick.

Are you still married to him?!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/05/2021 10:18

Sorry @Dailydingo just saw you are still married and want to separate but said you don't have 'the balls' to do it. You must. You absolutely must. He is utterly entitled and setting a terrible example for your kids while also creating a disgusting environment for you and them. Staggering entitlement to care so little about you and their happiness. Ugh. Your description actually made me feel physically sick.

Dailydingo · 30/05/2021 11:04

I wish I had the balls to leave. He is a dirty filthy slob. What I wrote was just the iceberg tbh. I didn't add that he cuts his toenails then chews them, fingers around his arse then sniffs it, wanks in the bed then leaves the cum wet patch, wipes his sweat off face then finger goes in mouth, farts a hell of a lot. He has his own 2 bath towels which he never washes, his own loo which he has to clean me and kids refuse to use his loo, some shit and piss stains on inside of his lounge wear. Buys clothes once a year and has to take anything that will fit tbh, that means he's limited for choice. We stopped having sex years ago. I refuse. He showers every day.
@Alittlerunaway - yes v emotionally neglectful. Hes on the spectrum, possibly aspergers. He admitted it once but now denies he ever said it.
Hes also ODD and had social anxiety. We went to Spain last year and he spent ££ on face masks for himself but wore none of them. Instead he made one out of a piece of elastic and a cut up old top. I mean, WTF. It looked ridiculous him wearing that walking around.
I feel for you OP. If you can, get out xx