Am I horrible for wanting to give up?

[giveitago1234]

I have been married for 4 years. Two children under 2.

This is my first post. I know so many people come on here and talk about abusive relationships, this one really isn't that - but it also isn't great. And I want to walk away.

My DH has really bad anxiety. Since lockdown started he has developed tics (physical, verbal). He sits on the sofa twitching, saying things under his breath. If I leave the room for 5 mins, I hear him talking to himself.

Recently - we lost a baby at 20 weeks. Our youngest has a heart condition. We moved somewhere new to get more space where we don't know anyone. And also obviously lockdown and being under one roof together.

And it's really consumed him. Of course it has, it's a lot. But i am so tired looking after him. The problem is he is so consumed with anxiety that he is unable to do anything. If he has a bad day at work, he can barely talk to me. He seems constantly on verge of a panic attack. He refuses help. (not because it doesn't admit a problem but seems to think he's beyond help and is a uniquely bad position). He has taken to absorbing right-wing conspiracy theories online and often looks at his phone for hours and hours. He is defensive, difficult, insecure and unbelieveably anxious all the time

So i do everything. I mean everything. I deal with all the doctors (he doesn't even want to hear about our son's heart condition, like literally won't let me talk to him about it, just says it is 'all too much). I work. I look after both kids. I do all the admin. I dealt with losing a baby by mysefl

He just calls me 'superwoman' and says 'without me he would crumble'.

The problem is I'm just a bitch - I just am struggling to respect him. I am struggling to be with him - and to be honest I daydream about doing it all alone without him. Because I do everything anyway, but with this bloke who is constantly negative, telling me everything is awful.

He doens't want to go on holiday because he's scared of planes. He doesnt' want to do the house up becasue he's worried about money (we are fine), he doesn't want to talk about the future because it makes him feel 'sick with nerves'.

I know he's unwell and i shoudl stop being such a bitch. But he refuses all help. He tics constantly, or goes into long silent stares, isn't interested in anything i've got to say. The kids are too small to notice really and he is sweet with them, but that won't always the be the case. I want to support him but I know staying with him means I will always be his 'mother', his supporter, his 'glue' (as he calls me) and if i ever suggest it might be too nice for me to be supported - it ends up in a huge fight and him saying he can't cope

I promised this would be short. Sorry!

If we split - he will get much much worse. And he will hate me. And the kids will suffer horribly. It seems preferable for me just to keep managing him and keep things sweet at home. Both options seem awful. I want to stay and support him through this but i don't see it getting any better and i'm exhausted trying. I feel horrible - I know he is unwell but i'm so tired.

You're a mother of 2 not 3 if he won't get help then you need to put the children and then you first x

You get my first ever leave. If he won't get help, things will never change. You will lose what little respect for him you have and start to hate him. Also I'm really sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to go through whilst looking after everyone else. A partner should enhance your life, not be another child.

I would leave. He needs professional help and you are not a professional. What you are doing now allows him to avoid getting the help he needs.
And your children will not suffer, they will be better off. As they grow up they will want a different life and be aware of how much he is restricting them. Then they will resent him too
. I know it seems hard but it’s the right thing

He's an adult who needs to take responsibility for his own health. He is refusing to seek help so nothing will improve. This is your life, how long can you continue to be the "glue" for someone who has no interest in getting better? What effect is this having on your own mental health?

He is quite likely to get worse if you end the marriage but that is it your fault or responsibility, it may give him the wake up call he needs but again that's not your responsibility. Ask him to leave and do not feel guilty, you've tried to tell him you need some support too and he appears to think that's unreasonable, it's not. Free yourself, don't wait and look back with regret in ten years, you are being taken for granted and you sound exhausted with it all.

Please stop referring to yourself as a bitch, you are not and it's never an appropriate way to describe a woman who is fed up of accomodating other people who take this piss.

If we split - he will get much much worse.

If you split he will finally get the help he needs.

You are in the infamous FOG, OP - Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It may well feel like you are staying for all the right and necessary reasons, but actually you are staying for FOG reasons. In addition you are standing between a very ill man and his medical treatment. You need to get out of the way and love him enough to let him fall in order to get help. Your FOGGY propping him up is preventing that.

Leave now, whilst you are still well and strong enough to build a new life for yourself and your children.

Ultimatum time. He gets help or you leave. He does genuinely believe he is beyond help though - it’s part of the depression and anxiety. You need to phone up/go to GP with him and tell them what he is going through from your point of view and say that he needs medication and talking therapy. Get him on medication as soon as possible - it will change your lives.

If we split - he will get much much worse. And he will hate me. And the kids will suffer horribly.

Are you saying he'll behave badly towards you and the kids in a split?

Because if he is using a combination of his MH and fear of his temper & spite to keep you there, then it is abusive.

I think for your children's sake you need to leave, because as they get older this will affect them more and more, living with him like this. Get them out of this environment.

You're not horrible, your feelings are totally normal and understandable. You should not be judged for struggling to cope with a husband who is not seeking treatment for a medical condition and as a result is feck all use to you and your little ones.

You would be acting very responsibly towards your children if you split up. Eventually his behaviour will affect them and the stress of you managing everything may affect your own mental health.

Put your own mask on before helping others OP.

You’re not a bitch. You need to put yourself first for a change, like on planes when they say fit your own oxygen mask first before helping others. Your kids need you fit and healthy, not exhausted and broken.
Especially as DH is not putting them first/can’t put them first and is not trying/can’t try to get help for his illness.

You can’t change who he is but you can change your and your kids life for the better.

Oh bless you . You are not a bitch and you need to remember it. This man needs help and won’t accept it. I would leave or I would ask him to leave. Him being the way he is will eventually have an effect on your kids. I’m sorry but him saying your his supporter and his glue is a way of abusing you as he thinks by saying it you won’t leave him and life will continue on as normal. For the sake of you and the kids get him out of your house.

He needs psychiatric help. You should leave if he refuses to get help.
It is available. I've had 6 months of psychoanalysis and medication for a serious psychiatric condition on the NHS and I'm able to live a normal life.
I sought psychiatric help because I'm a responsible adult and although I live alone don't think it's fair to offload on friends and family.

In your position op I'd ring crisis or the nhs for help. He needs professional help. Unfortunately you can only do so much, he needs to want to help himself and he's obviously not doing that.

You need to think about your own mental health, to look after your son you need to be well and not being dragged down by your dh. You and your son need to take priority here

OP for heavens sake stop calling yourself a birch. This isn’t a marriage, this is some kind of cater situation. You must know that the worst thing for your kids is to grow up in this currently dysfunctional situation.

Your DH is seriously ill and needs major intervention. You need to call GP or crisis team ASAP. He will pull you and your kids under if you don’t. Don’t let him pull you under (and don’t get pregnant again)

You are NOT a bitch. He’s refusing to get help. Your children will suffer far far worse growing up with this sort of influence in their daily lives.

I have every sympathy with him but he needs to get some help.

Both DP and I have had very serious periods of depression/anxiety and supported each other to this extent...but for a couple of months while waiting to start therapy or waiting for meds to kick in. Not indefinitely. He needs to grow up and realise that putting all this on you is incredibly unfair.

If he won't get help then I think you have to leave for the sake of your own MH.

Well, you did marry him, I assume, in ‘sickness and health’, and he is sick. Would you leave if your husband got cancer or multiple sclerosis?

On the other hand, in the modern world, few believe that marriage should be a life sentence, regardless.

So, there has to be a happy medium. It does not sound like you have gone beyond the gentle persuasion route yet. I would suggest you make him an appointment and tell him he has to keep it or separate until he shows evidence that he has sought help for his mental health. If he wants you to be his ‘glue’, I would also tell him that is contingent on getting off his screen and helping with the children.

Clearly, all the above has to be time limited and, if he is not on a path to helping himself within a few months, splitting may be the only option. But you have to make a proper effort to help him first.

OP, I have severe chronic pain and fatigue due to couple of conditions, and obviously this impacts my mental health too as it’s extremely depressing. I’m sure it’s very difficult for my DH at times.

However, I’m not just lying in bed refusing to see a doctor and unable to do anything as a result. I take my pain relief, I ask doctors for referrals, tests etc. I’m waiting on another surgery to hopefully improve things. And crucially even when I’m really suffering I can’t just opt out parenting etc - DH has to work so I have to get on with it.

I know severe depression and anxiety is really debilitating (been there too) but treatment can make a significant difference and he’s not even trying. That’s unacceptable from a parent - you can’t just give up. My view on this would be completely different if he were doing anything at all to access help but he’s doing nothing and putting all responsibility on you which is not okay. Then there’s the right wing conspiracy theory shit which would kill any relationship of mine.

At this point I would struggle to get past the refusal to get help even if he does seek help now. I would certainly tell him that you will be leaving unless he seeks proper professional help.

A lot of people on this thread don’t seem to understand that ‘not seeking help’ can be a symptom of some MH problems.

It is not laziness or being unwilling to make an effort. In extremis, it is why people can be sectioned for their own good.

Sometimes the first step is the hardest one.

No, you are not a bitch. You sound justifiably angry and as though you feel alone in carrying the double burden of your recent loss and your loneliness in your marriage. Your partner definitely needs help from a professional and a condition of you being with him to be that he accepts help. We are often conditioned as women to feel we must be constantly nurturing but we also have needs.

Please do as others have said and insist he gets help. You are not a bitch. The above poster talks about cancer etc and in sickness and in health. In this situation you would consult doctors, have support and carers when you need. You aren't getting that. It cannot all fall on you.

If he wont engage and get help then your only choice may be to leave. If I were you I'd be getting my shit together like finances etc. I'd also definitely not be planning another baby with him.

I have every sympathy for your DH who seems to be in a really bad way.

But you're a person too. Your DC are people too. You all deserve support and happiness. At the moment his needs are drowning the whole family

I honestly think you should leave.

@TheReluctantPhoenix

Well, you did marry him, I assume, in ‘sickness and health’, and he is sick. Would you leave if your husband got cancer or multiple sclerosis?

On the other hand, in the modern world, few believe that marriage should be a life sentence, regardless.

So, there has to be a happy medium. It does not sound like you have gone beyond the gentle persuasion route yet. I would suggest you make him an appointment and tell him he has to keep it or separate until he shows evidence that he has sought help for his mental health. If he wants you to be his ‘glue’, I would also tell him that is contingent on getting off his screen and helping with the children.

Clearly, all the above has to be time limited and, if he is not on a path to helping himself within a few months, splitting may be the only option. But you have to make a proper effort to help him first.

But he's not loving her, as he promised, if he's not willing to even try to get help for himself.

Marriage vows are two sided and one person can't just keep giving if the other only takes. The giving won't always be even, but it sounds like OP is close to burning out if her DH doesn't start to share the burden with her. In this is situation, I suspect it would be enough for him to take responsibility for his own mental health, even if the outcome is no improvement.

Ultimatum time. He gets help or you leave.
This with bells on. "I cannot survive any longer as the only support you have - I am sorry, but it is breaking me and we need outside help or I will have to leave you to protect myself and the children". Someone said up-thread that the inability to seek help is another symptom. That is true. I'm not sure you can blame him for it. But that also doesn't mean you have to soldier on until he drags you all down with him. I would consider consulting a doctor about him, as he is bad enough that he isn't able to help himself. But you cannot just carry on - you need to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else!

I'd leave - not because he's ill but because he's not willing to get help or treatment for himself.

Without treatment he's not going to get any better.

You and your kids deserve happiness.