I have been married for 4 years. Two children under 2.
This is my first post. I know so many people come on here and talk about abusive relationships, this one really isn't that - but it also isn't great. And I want to walk away.
My DH has really bad anxiety. Since lockdown started he has developed tics (physical, verbal). He sits on the sofa twitching, saying things under his breath. If I leave the room for 5 mins, I hear him talking to himself.
Recently - we lost a baby at 20 weeks. Our youngest has a heart condition. We moved somewhere new to get more space where we don't know anyone. And also obviously lockdown and being under one roof together.
And it's really consumed him. Of course it has, it's a lot. But i am so tired looking after him. The problem is he is so consumed with anxiety that he is unable to do anything. If he has a bad day at work, he can barely talk to me. He seems constantly on verge of a panic attack. He refuses help. (not because it doesn't admit a problem but seems to think he's beyond help and is a uniquely bad position). He has taken to absorbing right-wing conspiracy theories online and often looks at his phone for hours and hours. He is defensive, difficult, insecure and unbelieveably anxious all the time
So i do everything. I mean everything. I deal with all the doctors (he doesn't even want to hear about our son's heart condition, like literally won't let me talk to him about it, just says it is 'all too much). I work. I look after both kids. I do all the admin. I dealt with losing a baby by mysefl
He just calls me 'superwoman' and says 'without me he would crumble'.
The problem is I'm just a bitch - I just am struggling to respect him. I am struggling to be with him - and to be honest I daydream about doing it all alone without him. Because I do everything anyway, but with this bloke who is constantly negative, telling me everything is awful.
He doens't want to go on holiday because he's scared of planes. He doesnt' want to do the house up becasue he's worried about money (we are fine), he doesn't want to talk about the future because it makes him feel 'sick with nerves'.
I know he's unwell and i shoudl stop being such a bitch. But he refuses all help. He tics constantly, or goes into long silent stares, isn't interested in anything i've got to say. The kids are too small to notice really and he is sweet with them, but that won't always the be the case. I want to support him but I know staying with him means I will always be his 'mother', his supporter, his 'glue' (as he calls me) and if i ever suggest it might be too nice for me to be supported - it ends up in a huge fight and him saying he can't cope
I promised this would be short. Sorry!
If we split - he will get much much worse. And he will hate me. And the kids will suffer horribly. It seems preferable for me just to keep managing him and keep things sweet at home. Both options seem awful. I want to stay and support him through this but i don't see it getting any better and i'm exhausted trying. I feel horrible - I know he is unwell but i'm so tired.