Dating a single dad - low on the priorities?

[newboyfriendissues]

I've name changed for this as it may be a bit specific combined with previous posts!

I'm dating a single dad and it's mostly going great. I also have two children but mine are younger and go to their dads one night every weekend. At the beginning of our relationship I really didn't mind just seeing him at weekends, we chat all day the rest of the week and I really like him.

I'm just starting to feel as time goes on that I'm slotting into his life and may just never be in his priorities? I obviously totally understand the children are the most important but I also want to feel important.

His children are older (12 & 15) and their routine is less rigid than my coparenting with ex so often we will meet up to spend the day together but he will have to leave earlier than normal as they want to go somewhere or something. We made plans a week ago to spend tonight together (I don't have my children until tomorrow evening and he doesn't normally see his until tomorrow evening to Sunday) and he would stay. He's now saying his eldest has asked to stay over at his tonight so he can still come over but just not stay, and I just feel really let down and a bit stroppy about it if I'm honest! Is this just how it is dating someone with children, I think at 15 he could have just said sorry I'm out tonight but I will see you tomorrow as planned? Or do I just need to accept the children are his priority and take what time slots I'm given!

If you date someone with children, regardless of age, you have to accept that they will always come first.

I do agree that as children get older their needs change, however 12 & 15 is still young and they need their Dad more than you do.

Personally if a chap I dated came to me complaining about not seeing me enough due to my DC or putting him first, he’d be gone.

Oh yes I didn't mean that his children need him less as they are older I just meant it is obviously different when sharing custody of much younger children as unless there was an emergency or my ex couldn't have the children our schedule is more regular but obviously because his are older and more independent than going through his ex it's more flexible.

I haven't said anything to him about it as I don't want to make demands I'm just not sure if I always want to feel that our plans can be scrapped at the last minute when I've planned a day/weekend with him.

Children always come first in a relationship regardless if their in primary school or married with their own children. Baring in mind most teenagers - his children’s age have been affected from the last year so would need their dad more than ever now

I think you need to accept that's his priority.

I'm the RP so it's a bit different, but I probably would say if one of my teenagers was supposed to be at their dad's but wanted to change the plans, something like 'well actually I was planning to be away overnight, can we stick with Plan A?'. Obviously that wouldn't apply if they needed to be with me rather than it being a whim - say they were upset about something & really wanted to come home, fine, of course they could.

& my ex would definitely not have any compunction, in your dp's situation, in putting his own wants first...he's quite rigid in sticking to agreed dates & compartmentalising.

I think 12-15 is a funny age. At 11, they're probably wherever their parents have decided is the schedule. At 16, they move much more independently between households so your dp could say fine, come over tonight & make yourself at home if that's more convenient, I won't be there but back first thing.

Fair enough for it to be a deal breaker for you - if his priority is to drop everything if his dc want to come over, & yours is that social plans should be kept to except in emergencies, then neither of you are wrong; just different outlooks & priorities making you incompatible if neither of you will compromise.

I'd maybe go with sticking to original plans if you'd booked an expensive night out or it was a special occasion (emergency childcare/distressed dc needing dad aside) but not be too annoyed if it had just been a 'Netflix & chill' type arrangement, personally?

I think at 13 and 15 it will chop and change a lot. It's a good thing he puts them first, but it's ok to be mildly put out

Thanks everyone for the insights.

He is a bit older than me and all the separated parents I know have similar aged children to me so it's all a bit new to me.

I do like that he puts the children first and would be hugely put off if he wanted to change his plans with the children to see me or whatever but because the children are not involved at this stage we only really see each other Friday nights, and I just now feel a bit sad that we will only have a couple of hours together until next weekend. For example last Saturday I hadn't made any other plans so we could spend the day together but then he ended up needing to pick them up at 1 and then I had the afternoon with nothing planned. Maybe we are just at too different stages in life?

It sounds really challenging. I understand kids should come first but they have a schedule and he’s allowed to have a life. Unless it’s an emergency I don’t see why he can’t say ‘ I have plans tonight but we’ll have a great time tomorrow, see you then’
It’s worth a conversation. Seeing each other once a week or even less when plans change like this, is not going to develop a good relationship. Perhaps, you just need to decide if it’s working for you or not?

@Tigertalk

It sounds really challenging. I understand kids should come first but they have a schedule and he’s allowed to have a life. Unless it’s an emergency I don’t see why he can’t say ‘ I have plans tonight but we’ll have a great time tomorrow, see you then’ It’s worth a conversation. Seeing each other once a week or even less when plans change like this, is not going to develop a good relationship. Perhaps, you just need to decide if it’s working for you or not?

good advice.

His children are his priority and there is a lot of running around, dropping and collecting of teens for activities and sports

You would be very unwise to be living your life for the scraps of time that he will be able to give you.

Move on.

In your position I would break up with him. Not because he's doing anything wrong (the contrary in fact), but because all this so called "blending" of two different broken families never really works, and naturally in a relationship, you want to feel like you're a priority (which in and of itself is completely right and healthy, but it's completely the wrong context to be seeking it).

If you're not also the children's mother, as well as his partner, it's just not compatible to get that sort of priority since you're not part of his family unit as a mother would be, and the dynamic is totally different. You'll just end up resenting his children for wanting to freely spend time with their own dad.

Seeing eachother once a week in theory works okay for me at the moment as my children are young and the weeks get busy with work, sorting them out etc, and I thought I was happy with how it was going but I guess it's just a bit more hurtful when the only time we have together is always cut short.

I initially thought we would work better than someone with younger children but I suppose older children are dependant in different ways and perhaps we aren't compatible.

I think if the 15 year old asks to stay on an additional night dad is doing the right thing allowing that, child should feel like he has a home with his dad too.

He said he would still see you just no longer able to stay over which I think is a perfect balance of priorities. He hasn't cancelled, just adapted the plan to also fit in child.

Difficulty is that as the children are older they are more independent, but also time with them will be less frequent as they do their own thing. Also arrangements more likely to be made directly with the child rather than via other parent so I imagine more flexibility needed.

This doesn't sound like much of a relationship. You don't seem to go anywhere or do anything together.

I hope he's not just coming over for a meal and a shag and leaving..

@Tigertalk

It sounds really challenging. I understand kids should come first but they have a schedule and he’s allowed to have a life. Unless it’s an emergency I don’t see why he can’t say ‘ I have plans tonight but we’ll have a great time tomorrow, see you then’ It’s worth a conversation. Seeing each other once a week or even less when plans change like this, is not going to develop a good relationship. Perhaps, you just need to decide if it’s working for you or not?

@Tigertalk Children shouldn't have to forgo wanting to spend time with their own parents because they're parents decided to divorce and split their family. If that teen's parents were still together, he wouldn't have to ask for or book time with his own dad as if he's scheduling a meeting with a work colleague (!!) His dad would be right there with him permanently and that's how it should be. Teens still very much need to be parented and supported, and should feel.like their parents are there for them unconditionally. Your dad at that age is a vital role model.

These are critical formative years they're going through and they've already been losing out on quality time with their dad since he doesn't live full time with them.

His dad has his whole life ahead once they become adults in a few short years. He chose to have kids so at this stage he should prioritise being their dad over a relationship with a woman.

What shouldn't be happening is this dad being able to have his cake and eating it i.e. OP gettting into this and essentially allowing herself to be treated as an escort;slotting in providing convenient sex and companionship. This is where as a woman you uphold your dignity and walk away from this set up.

*their parents

I’m in the same position as you. The guy I’m seeing has older children-youngest is 17-and he has had to call off plans with me due to his son wanting to come over. My kids go to their dads EOW so if we miss one weekend it is a month between dates which is frustrating.
Additionally he moved abroad for 4 years and only returned last year so he feels huge guilt over missing that time with his kids and will never say he has plans or refuse to see them-I understand this but still feel put out.
I really like him and we get on great when together but I’m at the stage now where I think it’s best to end things because I can’t make demands on him, it wouldn’t be reasonable. But I want a relationship with someone I can see more regularly and I can develop an emotional connection with.

@DateXY , I’m still with dh but I have work and plans that take me away from my dc. I won’t cancel my plans unless they are ill etc. I understand that separation means things are different of course. I just think if he’s seeing his son the next day then he can’t always be changing plans last minute. Does he cancel his mates, work etc to see them?
I agree , it’s up to the op though to decide what to do.

It's something you have to accept if you are dating a decent single parent who cares about their children (permanent, life-long relationship) verses who they're currently dating (probably a short-term relationship)
I can't see how or why you would want it any different?
It also why I'm not keen on dating people with young children, I would want them to be great parents, but they would mean me being why down in their list of priorities

For me if a man prioritised me over his kids I would finish with him.
I want a man who puts his kids first.
I put mine first as well and if a man didn't like it then he would be gone.

My DD is 18 and she goes between mine and her dad's all the time, we have a routine but if she wants more or less she does it.
She comes first for both of us.

Can you clarify what you mean by single dad?
I think that means he is raising them as the resident parent with them having none or some contact with the non-resident parent.
But you mention the cancelling of your meet up due to his son wanting to stay over which implies that your boyfriend is not the resident parent.

I think this relationship is not working for you OP. He doesn't have enough time for you. Im sure you could find someone else with more time.

I dont think you should ask him to prioritise you over his children. At that age its a bloody miracle sometimes if they want to have extra time with their parents and its so important. Its also a time when you realise that their childhood is slipping away fast and soon theyll be off.

I think you just have to decide whether what he has to give, and what hes offering, is enough for you

He’s allowed to see his kids whenever they or he want. Teens chop and change all the time. Why should they have to factor you in?

His children don't live with him, and the current "plan" involves Saturday nights through to Sunday, and an evening in the week - the older one often doesn't come over as they have other plans or decide to do something else so I can totally see that if they do decide they want to see him that he doesn't want to say he is busy.

I suppose it's a fine line because although I'm not asking to be "prioritised" over them and accept they come first - as mine do to me - I just wonder how this would play out could we just never plan an evening away or such incase they decide last minute they'd like to see dad?

I think we will have a chat about it tonight in person, in a lighthearted way. I think there's a fine line with needing to be constantly available for an older child, for example if I'd planned a night out with friends I wouldn't cancel them if at the last minute the children just didn't fancy going to their dads or whatever but appreciate it's different with mine being younger and having more of a schedule that suits myself and my ex!

Is it not that he's slotting into your life too, seeing you when it suits you when you don't have your children?

Dating as a single parent is about understanding both sets of children must absolutely have priority and secure attachment to their parents, in order for them to get the best start in their formative years.

If you can't make that work and probably if you as a mum who puts her children first, start thinking that different rules apply to dads, then he's not the single dad for you. You're not a priority, yet. Like all good parents, the kids come first, all the time.

Can you wait it out until all your children are older? Probably not to be fair so it might be best letting this one go.

His teens are still very young teens. I think it’s great that he prioritises them and it may be that you just need to sit down and have an open conversation with him about expectations and compromise .

When u have teens, you are their taxi driver, you have to be there to drop off and pick up and they are out n about the entire time so you have to get used to that.

He may also be protective and wanting to ensure they are safe when they are out, and be accessible to them. Being a teen is a really intense time of life, they really need their parents support.