Dating a single dad - low on the priorities?

[newboyfriendissues]

I've name changed for this as it may be a bit specific combined with previous posts!

I'm dating a single dad and it's mostly going great. I also have two children but mine are younger and go to their dads one night every weekend. At the beginning of our relationship I really didn't mind just seeing him at weekends, we chat all day the rest of the week and I really like him.

I'm just starting to feel as time goes on that I'm slotting into his life and may just never be in his priorities? I obviously totally understand the children are the most important but I also want to feel important.

His children are older (12 & 15) and their routine is less rigid than my coparenting with ex so often we will meet up to spend the day together but he will have to leave earlier than normal as they want to go somewhere or something. We made plans a week ago to spend tonight together (I don't have my children until tomorrow evening and he doesn't normally see his until tomorrow evening to Sunday) and he would stay. He's now saying his eldest has asked to stay over at his tonight so he can still come over but just not stay, and I just feel really let down and a bit stroppy about it if I'm honest! Is this just how it is dating someone with children, I think at 15 he could have just said sorry I'm out tonight but I will see you tomorrow as planned? Or do I just need to accept the children are his priority and take what time slots I'm given!

It's not at all that I think there are different rules for single dads vs single mums but I personally feel that having your kids as your priority does not mean you literally need to put your life on hold until they are adults, I think there is a delicate balance.

But I think the overwhelming response is that this is normal and expected when parenting teens and I'm just not sure I want to be slotted in as and when and be at the mercy of chopping and changing plans when I only have so much child free time myself.

So he isn't a single dad then.
I agree with a previous poster who said your boyfriend is slotting into your life too as you only want to see him if you don't have your children.
Maybe he is annoyed that you don't want to see him in the week.

Given he is the non-resident parent its even more important that his kids come first.

How long have you been together?
Do his children know about you?
If they don't then I assume in time if things work out he will tell them and if you book weekends away they will be told and know he is not available that weekend.

I actually think its trickier parenting teenagers than it is young kids.

A different perspective ....
My children's father does everything and anything to get out of anything bar the exact schedule with our kids which has led to the three of them becoming more damaged and disillusioned as time has gone on .
Rejection/ obvious disinterest by a father towards his own children does some very serious damage .
It's shit for you and maybe at the moment you are not compatible but his priorities are in the right place .I'm sorry though . It must be tremendously frustrating .

[quote Tigertalk]@DateXY , I’m still with dh but I have work and plans that take me away from my dc. I won’t cancel my plans unless they are ill etc. I understand that separation means things are different of course. I just think if he’s seeing his son the next day then he can’t always be changing plans last minute. Does he cancel his mates, work etc to see them?
I agree , it’s up to the op though to decide what to do.[/quote]
@Tigertalk well of course no one is with their child 24/7... as I said, the key difference with intact families like yours is that your kids are living with both of you full time since you and your husband are still together. You're all one unit.

Once parents split up and children are forced to shuttle their lives between two homes, two parents and two different lives, the dynamic changes completely. They don't see their dad full time as normally would and should , so any time they have with him is precious (and likewise for him as he will naturally miss not being a full time presence in their lives).

Children always come first in a relationship regardless if their in primary school or married with their own children Seriously?

I disagree that children should always come first, married with children or not. It does them no favours. It's perfectly fine for them to find out that thier parents are people in their own right with their own lives.

Honestly he sounds great! I know a lot of single dads who don't stick to a rigid visitation routine but make themselves available for kids' activities and sports, a bit of ferrying around if they other parent isn't available etc. It's great if they are happy to have their kids at random times too, especially as the teens get a bit older and might have a friend gathering/party on a night when they'd normally be at their dads. It's nice to be flexible. My exh is like this and it's really done wonders for his relationship with our DC. In the end though it's more about what you're willing to live with rather than expecting him to change his style of parenting to suit the relationship.

I wouldn't be happy with this OP, and disagree that you just need to accept it.

I'd be a little bit concerned in your shoes that he is very willing to cancel plans with you for a random whim of his child.

As you've said, he spends plenty of time with them and you won't get in the way of that. But I think it's totally reasonable that you should be able to rely on plans he's made with you for days when he's not even due to have them.

@pinkyredrose - couldn’t agree more.
When my daughter was a teenager I made sure she felt loved, cared for, looked after. She could count on me: in emergency situations and in everyday life. BUT! It did NOT equal dropping all my plans because she wanted so or had a last minute change of her schedule. I made sure she understood that apart from being a mother I was also a friend, a woman, a girlfriend.
This ‘children come first’ mantra is not helpful. I’m all for people being the best parents they can be, by all means, but if it equals their relationship constantly taking a backseat - they should not start relationships, it’s not fair on their new partner.

If you date someone with children, regardless of age, you have to accept that they will always come first

No.

I knew you’d get a ton of these sorts of replies.

It’s actually a 180 of this. If he wants to be able to prioritise his children over everything else at all times, then that’s his prerogative, but he shouldn’t be pursuing a relationship because he doesn’t have the time to nurture and isn’t able to meet a partner’s needs - ie: make them feel like A priority too. Not THE priority, but at least important enough to feel like you’re not always the consolation prize when he hasn’t got anything else going on.

If any of the posters here telling you to suck it up we’re regularly cancelled on or had their plans change by their friends because of ‘putting the children first’, they would quite rightly be annoyed.

@Bibidyibi How does a Sat night to Sun night and a night in the week equate to plenty of time with his kids?

I actually think he should have them more,he doesn't even have them 50%.

Aside from the extra night tonight he has his children every Sat -Sun so why did he start dating a woman who only has every other weekend free, they both knew from the start that he has his kids every weekend so they can't really spend much of each weekend together which isn't great.

@CroneAVirusron The OP indicates this is the first time it has happened so its not happened regularly at the moment.
It might be a one off, it might not.

I think we need to know how long they've been seeing each other because if its a fairly new relationship then its even more right that his kids come first.

My boyfriend sometimes changes plans if his son wants to see him for an extra day and I'm fine with that, I know his son is No.1 in his life.
I got with my boyfriend knowing I will never see him on weekends as he has his son every weekend from a Saturday morning to late Sunday night, if I was only available at weekends I wouldn't have got with him as it clearly wouldnt have worked.

The OP and her boyfriend got together knowing their availability was not very compatible.

[quote SortingItOut]@Bibidyibi How does a Sat night to Sun night and a night in the week equate to plenty of time with his kids?

I actually think he should have them more,he doesn't even have them 50%.

Aside from the extra night tonight he has his children every Sat -Sun so why did he start dating a woman who only has every other weekend free, they both knew from the start that he has his kids every weekend so they can't really spend much of each weekend together which isn't great.[/quote]
Well OP said his routine with them is more flexible so I took that to mean he sees them as and when, rather than just the Saturday night and one night a week, even if that is the official schedule. Although that may be the case.

I agree though that nobody has any business dating anyone if they don't have time to accommodate the relationship. Although tbh I'd say in this scenario OP has the more restrictive schedule if she doesn't want to see him during the week and only has weekends free.

BUT in this case, the plans were on a Friday when they were both free, so aside from an emergency cropping up I do think he shouldn't have cancelled her, especially when he was seeing his child the very next day.

The fact is OP, you're going to hear from parents who put parenting at the top of their priority list at all times and parents who don't and that's such a personal choice and neither is wrong because all families are different.

But if you're not happy with his choice, you shouldn't continue to see him. Not because he should change but because your two views don't match.

OP,
It is perfectly reasonable for you to be pissed off and irritated that at the last minute he has cancelled because his child wants to visit.

Perfectly reasonable.

But it does show you exactly where you are in the pecking order and that is ok for it not to work for you.

Thanks for all your responses, we've been together 5 months, it's early days and genuinely I'm quite happy for it to be mainly once a week, it seems to work for both of us. I don't want to go into exact custody schedules as it might be a bit outing but he does see the children in the week and will quite often ask them if they want to go for dinner in the week etc. although this is obviously often not accepted by the older child.

I do 100% appreciate that the children should be a priority and as I've said I'd never expect him to drop the children for me but I guess I'm just a little bit put out that the children are meant to be with him from tomorrow afternoon until Sunday evening and we had pre arranged to see eachother tonight and spend the morning together tomorrow, I think without prioritising me he could have just said oh I'm actually out tonight but let's do something special tomorrow. I do also appreciate that the children also have to feel like they can go round dads and feel comfortable doing so, I guess it's just hard to find a balance.

Other than childcare things have been going really well, he is lovely, really attentive, constantly in contact and when we are together things are great, I guess I just assumed that the relationship would blossom over time but it feels unlikely when just seeing him for a few hours once a week, at the beginning despite weekends being the easiest time to get together, I thought this was doable due to us both having a night and day neither of us had the children.

And with parenting coming first, I do agree but I suppose in my eyes that's more a case of having to cancel if a child was ill/upset, if one of my children said they didn't want to go to see their dad and I'd made plans to go out would probably say I'm not actually home tonight, in the same way that sometimes a non-separated parent might plan to go out but the child be a bit upset at the separation.

If you fast forward a few years and one of your teens says to you.

“Can I stay here tonight as I don’t really want to go to..........”

Would you answer the same way that you want him to respond to his child?

If they answer is yes then perhaps you are just not compatible.

It sounds all very casual this anyway. Works for some. Not for others.

I suppose it's very hard for me to put myself in his shoes as if I had an older teen who wanted to stay home but I had plans I feel I would say it's fine to stay home but I do have plans so will go out. It's hard to picture when my children are still little and obviously age dependant.

His situation I suppose is a bit different because his DC is old enough to be left but I guess they are reaching out because they want the time with him hence him only staying for a bit and obviously he seems them less than I do living with my DC.

It's all very difficult and navigating dating another parent is new to me, then one with teens is different still as my childcare arrangements are still very much through myself and ex rather than directly with the child.

@newboyfriendissues you sounds lovely and balanced and caring and that's great.

I think to say things are great 'other than the childcare' is what's keeping you going. But the childcare of two separated dating parents is a huge consideration in any new relationship. And I can honestly say that teens, though they need their independence more also need a soft landing place much much more that little children who just take for granted that mum or dad is their for there every whim.

It's having this soft landing and anchor that helps teens spread their wings in confidence in the first place and it's importance can't be underplayed.

Having dated a single weekend dad after splitting with my exh and then dating my now DH who has no children, I can say with impunity that dating a man (or woman) without children when you have some is emotionally 100% easier as boundaries, expectations and priorities - both ways - are crystal clear and not subject to the necessary flexibility and fluidity on both sides that raising two separates sets of children to adulthood requires.

OP, he is slotting into your life far more than you are slotting into his.

But hey if you want to blow a relationship with a decent man, crack on. He wont be single for long.

it's very hard for me to put myself in his shoes as if I had an older teen who wanted to stay home but I had plans I feel I would say it's fine to stay home but I do have plans so will go out

That is exactly what he is doing, he is just being responsible and not staying the night. You are his second priority not his last priority.

Also if a teen asks to see a parent it usually means something. Generally they aren't fussed so I would take it more seriously if my 15 year old asked to see me than my 5 year old having a whinge at bed time.

Do his kids know he is dating?

My partner and his ex had a kid focused dynamic whereby everything was about the kids. No date nights, no weekends away as a couple and no hobbies, interests or friends outside the marriage and after they split and he started dating me, the older kid struggled as Dad was not seen as an individual person just Dad who was available 24/7.
DP was at mine one weekend and the 18 year old had left his mouthguard in DP's car. I loved two hours away at that stage and DP refused to drive two hours to bring the mouthguard as he had others, his mum was there and could get him another. DP's lost it, screaming at him that he chose 'pussy over his son'.
He still doesn't cope with his dad dating or having a life that doesn't center his after all these years.

I think at 15 he could have just said sorry I'm out tonight but I will see you tomorrow as planned?

Personally I think at 15 if they ask to spend more time with you then it would be more important than if it were a younger child!

He doesn't sound like he sees his children much though? You said the current plan is Saturday night to Sunday and then one evening a week?

Does he pop in to see them at their house during the week etc? My ex does that sometimes but tbh it feels like it's just something to do when he's bored, or if he was in the area at a friends house or something! It's not actually quality time, it doesn't help me out and he's not responsible for doing anything for them in that time! I know he makes out he's a lot more involved than he actually is with them though!

OP
Its completely normal to feel like this. It possibly isnt about the slotting in....
Grind the feeling down to find out what it is you feel your missing at the moment...
Is it your wanting to become more established in his life? As a relationship progresses thats what happens
Is he being a bit blind to you needing some one on one time because you have things going on in your life?
Set up some rituals / routines where u can. I.e if he has to let u down like tonight then another night has to be earmarked out and cant be cancelled as easily unless an emergency

Your human and these feelings are natural...its what you do with them that counts

@newboyfriendissues

And with parenting coming first, I do agree but I suppose in my eyes that's more a case of having to cancel if a child was ill/upset, if one of my children said they didn't want to go to see their dad and I'd made plans to go out would probably say I'm not actually home tonight, in the same way that sometimes a non-separated parent might plan to go out but the child be a bit upset at the separation.

This thread makes me feel such concern for the future.

I'm a lone parent. No other parent involved. No weekend off like you have.

If men react as you do, I wouldn't bother trying to date tbh. My child will always come first. That is what I signed up for! Your dislike of this would make me not only question our relationship but also whether I want to be with someone who thinks so lowly of my children and in turn their own children's needs.

Maybe you need to taste the other side of this with a person with no dependents when you're not available....