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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't seem very interested?

38 replies

YellowTree1 · 27/05/2021 23:56

I've been seeing my bf for over 2 years, both divorced with young secondary school kids. It was a bit on/off for a while, mostly because I get very confused by his mixed messages.

He tells me he loves me and I make him happy. However, when it comes to making arrangements he's not very fussed. We see each other one night a week as that fits with our jobs and childcare. Im sure we could see each other more but he chooses not to. Its usually me travelling to him. We call and message everyday. I think I'm usually the first person he calls to chat about news/work/life etc.

An example of his low interest would be half term next week. He has his kids half of the week (I've never met them) so I won't be seeing him on our usual day. However, he doesnt bother to arrange an alternative date. When I asked him about this he was a bit vague and then said 'but I phone you all the time, you know I want to be with you'. However this sort of scenario happens every month or so. It just strikes of low effort or interest from him.

At the same time he will drop hints about marrying me one day (I've never said I'm interested). He's met my kids a couple of times as a 'friend' but his kids don't even know about me. He's suggested I meet his kids but it's always some vague point in the future and never actually happens. Tbh I wouldn't have introduced my kids if he hadn't suggested that I'd meet his kids as a 'friend' soon too.

I just find it all confusing, maybe I'm just hoping for a more involved relationship than him. I'd rather he admit he'll never want more than he's offering at the moment than keep promising things in future and then making excuses. I'm pretty sure there's no other girlfriend.

OP posts:
Albgo · 28/05/2021 00:07

Sadly I don't think his actions are very confusing at all. After 2 years, I think his level of interest and lack of real commitment is clear. If you want more, I'd leave him and find someone else.

MissScotland101 · 28/05/2021 00:14

2 years and you haven’t met his kids? That’s a long time to not meet them.

Guavafish · 28/05/2021 00:15

You have to look at his actions and forget about his words.

You seem to fit around his life but it’s not the same the other way around.

Time to cut your loses and fade him out

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/05/2021 00:17

You’re very convenient for him as you are and it sounds like he has no intentions to make any positive progressive moves with this relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2021 00:28

Why are you settling for the crumbs he occasionally throws your way? You can do a LOT better than this. Your boyfriend should actually give a shit about seeing you.

Original poster
YellowTree1 · 28/05/2021 00:36

I agree with all the points, sadly. I guess I've always believed him when he's made suggestions of a future together etc. But now I realise after him moving the goalposts so many times that he's not very bothered.

It has been hard that anytime I've suggested that we break up he insists he loves me etc. But loving someone means making more of an effort I think, not just seeing them on the weeks it suits you and pretending you will meet their kids one day.

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowTree1 · 28/05/2021 00:40

Sorry that should say 'pretending they will meet your kids'.

I should add that I've been very supportive and kind throughout a difficult period of family illness and redundancy for him, yet still he doesnt want more of a relationship. I guess that says it all!

OP posts:
MissScotland101 · 28/05/2021 00:41

Sometimes that’s just the way people are, once they have you in a relationship then they don’t feel like they need to try anymore as they already ‘have’ you, I think he would probably be like this with any girlfriend he had, some people just aren’t cut for relationships really.

ShinyBlackBoots · 28/05/2021 06:53

Bottom line is, he says those things because they're easy words to say or text but he doesn't actually have to do anything amd he can get away with doing nothing because the words are enough for you to keep you around.

Mumdiva99 · 28/05/2021 06:56

He may genuinely love you. But that isn't always enough. If he isn't acting in the way you want a BF to act then maybe he isn't the one for you.

category12 · 28/05/2021 07:03

He's kind of "future-faking" you. All jam tomorrow.

I think the relationship is just convenient to him, not much more.

Temp023 · 28/05/2021 07:07

Make him step up to the plate. Tell him exactly how you feel and how you need things to change. His reaction will tell you whether it is worth sticking with this or not.

joystir59 · 28/05/2021 07:10

Perhaps he wants convenient no strings sex? He keeps you on board by throwing you the carrot of a future marriage but he doesn't really want more than he already has with you.

Original poster
YellowTree1 · 28/05/2021 08:16

I agree it's definitely 'future faking', I think he likes me more than sex as he is in contact a lot with calls and messages. I just dont seem to be able to be a more 'important' part of his life, ie he could choose to introduce me to his kids etc, then I wouldn't get cancelled so easily. I can see the situation works for him, when I discuss feeling a very low priority to him he looks surprised and suggests I can meet the kids soon etc but then there's always a reason not to. I'm not asking for marriage or to live together!

OP posts:
lightitup2 · 28/05/2021 08:20

It does sound you are a bit on the side for him.
A weekly shag and some companionship.
(And you spending your time and petrol going to his).
I wouldn't call this a relationship - more a fuck buddy.
Which is great if that's all you want, but I'm guessing you want more which is why you are posting (I would want more after 2 years too).
Of course he protests when you try and finish it, this situationship suits him just fine.

In your shoes I would move on.

Sakurami · 28/05/2021 09:32

I'd tell him where to go. Don't drive to his anymore. Start making other plans and tell him that this isn't working for you. 2 years!!

Tlollj · 28/05/2021 09:36

Don’t listen to what he says, look at what he does.
He says he loves you and doesn’t want to break up, yet he puts no effort into seeing you.

MinorCharacter · 28/05/2021 09:37

Nothing confusing about this, OP, he’s perfectly happy jogging along with his life the way it is, with the ‘status’ of having a girlfriend, a weekly shag and an uncomplaining woman on whom he can unload about his problems, and who accepts being way down his priority list.

tentosix · 28/05/2021 10:20

You sound more of a convenience than a girlfriend. Just on aspect of his life, and not a central part.

wdmtthgcock · 28/05/2021 14:22

He likes his life the way it is. He gets to live alone and do whatever he likes during that time. He spends time with his kids, goes to work, meets friends etc. And on top of that he has a girlfriend he sees once a week for a shag and chats to a bit during the week.

He doesn't want any more commitment than that. If he did he would have already made moves to increase the level of commitment - and that means actually doing something rather than just talking about it.
If he really was serious he would have immediately made an alternative suggestion for the half-term day when you can't meet. He'd also be wanting to meet up a couple of times a week and he'd be talking about moving in together in the near future.

You decide whether this is enough for you because it would appear to me that this is what he is offering, he will not be offering more time and commitment and he's perfectly content.
So if it doesn't suit you - give him the heave ho.

How old are you? What are your plans for the future? What do you want to happen in your life?
Think about your life first and then decide whether you want him in it or not.

Opentooffers · 28/05/2021 14:45

He's keeping you in it, by future-faking everytime he senses you've had enough and question it.
However, you are really just at his convenience, sorry, but there you are.

maskface212 · 28/05/2021 15:48

You need to back right off OP as it sounds as though you are his support, that's all. I had a similar relationship and this reminds me of it. I would go to see him, he never came to see me. If we did anything, it had to be at my instigation and I had to plan and pay for it. He kept the weekends for his friends and whatever he wanted to do. He called me every single day though as I was a mug great source of support for him. I made him laugh, cheered him up and carried the whole relationship. I'm surprised I wasn't carrying him around on my back so he didn't have the inconvenience of wearing out his shoes.

What I did and what I suggest you do is just back off completely. Don't organise anything and just tell him that it would be nice if he made plans or came to yours for a change and leave it with him. Stop communicating with him so much, as I think he's using you for support. Let him make an effort.

Spoiler: When I did this he didn't even bother to pick up the phone. Not once. I knew then that the relationship had been nothing more than a convenience for him and I dumped him. And we had been together for nearly three years.

DateXY · 28/05/2021 17:28

I stopped reading when I got to "I get very confused by his mixed messages" in the first paragraph.

Why on earth would anyone continue dating someone like this Confused When will women learn to just see a man for who he is and stop wasting their lives with men who are so obviously bad relationship material 🙄

Original poster
YellowTree1 · 28/05/2021 18:45

@maskface212 sorry that you had a similar one. Looking back it has definitely been a gradual shift to where we are now, which is that I make most of the effort.

I have given him the benefit of the doubt so many times with the 'future faking' but I realise now that I've been a real mug!

OP posts:
Blueskytoday06 · 28/05/2021 18:53

You're his booty call.