Boyfriend doesn't seem very interested?

[YellowTree1]

I've been seeing my bf for over 2 years, both divorced with young secondary school kids. It was a bit on/off for a while, mostly because I get very confused by his mixed messages.

He tells me he loves me and I make him happy. However, when it comes to making arrangements he's not very fussed. We see each other one night a week as that fits with our jobs and childcare. Im sure we could see each other more but he chooses not to. Its usually me travelling to him. We call and message everyday. I think I'm usually the first person he calls to chat about news/work/life etc.

An example of his low interest would be half term next week. He has his kids half of the week (I've never met them) so I won't be seeing him on our usual day. However, he doesnt bother to arrange an alternative date. When I asked him about this he was a bit vague and then said 'but I phone you all the time, you know I want to be with you'. However this sort of scenario happens every month or so. It just strikes of low effort or interest from him.

At the same time he will drop hints about marrying me one day (I've never said I'm interested). He's met my kids a couple of times as a 'friend' but his kids don't even know about me. He's suggested I meet his kids but it's always some vague point in the future and never actually happens. Tbh I wouldn't have introduced my kids if he hadn't suggested that I'd meet his kids as a 'friend' soon too.

I just find it all confusing, maybe I'm just hoping for a more involved relationship than him. I'd rather he admit he'll never want more than he's offering at the moment than keep promising things in future and then making excuses. I'm pretty sure there's no other girlfriend.

Oh OP. A very good friend once told me 'listen to what people do, not what they say' and he was spot on

He's happy to be in this relationship as long as he doesn't have to do anything, make an effort etc but thats not what relationships should be about. They're supposed to benefit both of you equally.

What does he bring to this relationship, really? I think you know what you have to do.

Maybe try not contacting him and see how long it takes him to contact you.

I used to go out with someone just like this. I had to drive over to the arse end of Coventry on my previous one day a fortnight that I wasn’t looking after my children.

Turned out he was shagging his ex.

Your not in a relationship, your in a situationship

Listen to his actions, not his words.

He sees you once a week when it could be more, 2 years in you have never met his children, your there for when he rings so he can offload, you travel to him.
He makes no effort, and this is 2 years in. Of course hes going to protest when you suggest breaking up, because the situation suits him perfectly.
Minimal effort, an ear on the other end of the phone, someone to blow his load in once a week, doesnt live with, doesnt see his children. Very little commitment.

I would hold my head up high and tell him your done, not ask, not discussing, you telling him it's done and walk away. You deserve better.

[quote YellowTree1]@maskface212 sorry that you had a similar one. Looking back it has definitely been a gradual shift to where we are now, which is that I make most of the effort.

I have given him the benefit of the doubt so many times with the 'future faking' but I realise now that I've been a real mug![/quote]
I have given him the benefit of the doubt so many times with the 'future faking' but I realise now that I've been a real mug!

You will start to feel very angry when you look back as he's taken advantage of you, it happens. It's a lesson you've learned the hard way - watch someone's behaviour, not what they say - you won't do it again. As soon as I start to see signs of it in friendships or other relationships, I try to bring it back to balance and if they just don't contact me again, then that's my answer. No effort is a very strong indicator of how he really feels.

I agree with all the comments, it's a convenient support and companionship for him and he's found over time that he only has to find an 'excuse' each time I ask for more commitment so that he can delay and future fake me.

@maskface212 I do feel quite angry already tbh, as when I've helped him with my time and support during hard times he's gone through I've incorrectly thought that we were building to a future together. In fact he's just come out the other side of the hard times and if anything makes even less effort. You're right though, I will spot any of this type of behaviour sooner in future.

You're not in a relationship with him. You're his booty call in between his real/regular girlfriend. His kids don't even know about you?

Hello, you're not even in a relationship at all.

Sorry to be harsh, but this guy is clearly with someone else, and most likely has been all along.

I'm a great believer in the old "if he wants to he would" when it comes to men. Sorry OP. He's a time waster and you deserve someone that "would" for you.

Love is not just a word and vague unmet promises.

Easy to fix. Dont be available for him. Dont call first, dont text first. Dont make arrangements. Leave it to him. If he doesn't step up to the plate just move on. This 'relationship' isn't going anyhwere.

Sorry think he is just not that interested in you. Keeping his options open for sex till better offer comes along. Bin him you can do so much better than this time waster.

Thanks, its really gutting to have been played like this, he's taken advantage of me being kind and supportive to him.

However I don't think he has another girlfriend, I think he's just been very happy to chat to me most days, have care and support and see me a once a week or so. I'm sure he'll miss me but not enough to make more of an effort.

Ring him less, make excuses not to talk to him. Go out more with your friends if you can and make yourself less available. He'll soon hop to attention.