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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I love my partner but I don't think we are compatible

57 replies

c0rnishpasties · 27/05/2021 22:37

I love my partner of 2 year so much. He makes me laugh, I enjoy being around him, he is there for me and very supportive. We have things in common but when it comes to compatablity I'm worried that something isn't right. He never wants do do anything. He enjoys sitting at home and nothing else. I am very outgoing and would like to take trips and go for walks. But we never do because he doesn't want to. He doesn't work, and I work through the week and spend every weekend sitting in the house doing nothing even though I'd like to be out having fun and making memories. But we do the same thing every weekend. I asked him to help me pain my room and he complained about it so much and every time I ask to do something with him he tells me how I guilt tripped him into helping me paint my room so I can't complain that he never does anything I'd like to do.
This breaks my heart...but I would love to have the courage to break up with him and find someone I can have adventures with and enjoy my youth with making memories. I find it worrying that at 20 years of age I'm doing nothing but working and sitting in the house. I love him so much and I don't want to leave him. Will I regret my choice? I really wish I had someone to talk to about this, I feel so alone...

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2021 02:13

He doesn't work

Nope, you're definitely not compatible.

Stop wasting your youth on him. If you don't, you'll have nothing but regrets.

Themeparklover · 28/05/2021 02:15

I was in the same exact position as you are 3 years ago at 19/20 and all I can say is leave now before it gets gradually worse and harder to leave, I've only just left mine after over 5 years together

Opentooffers · 28/05/2021 03:15

You are the issue here, you have made your life revolve around him, something you should never do with any man.
There's something wrong with your life at 20 if you don't have any friends, so develop some friendships pronto, through work would be a source. If he doesn't want to go out with you, go out with others, another good way is by joining meetup groups - they do walking and social events.
He really does not deserve to stand on the pedestal that you have made for him, but it's you who put him there, so you need to change your behaviour. He will either join you, or let you do your own thing, but if he tries to stop you, he's being controlling, and that is bad.

timeisnotaline · 28/05/2021 03:27

You’d be better off with a teddy bear! Wouldn’t do any less than this guy, and you wouldn’t feel bad leaving teddy bear alone on a weekend so you could go out...

Eviebeans · 28/05/2021 03:44

The next time you want to go somewhere or do something and he says no why not set your mind to it and go out yourself- that might wake him up a bit.
If you don't have the confidence to go out by yourself try volunteering at the weekends-that feels much better than staying home. My guess is that you are the only one working and paying for everything although I hope that I'm wrong.

Blacktothepink · 28/05/2021 03:49

He sounds a deadbeat cocklodger...up your game.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/05/2021 03:56

Op you do need to leave.

Don’t try to change him. He has shown you who he is and you are correct, you are not compatible.
He also sounds like he has messed with your head if you really believe you have nothing else. It’s because of him you have nothing else.

If you were single I guarantee that inn6 months you would have a fuller more satisfying life.
Make a plan. I’m assuming you rent. Whose name is on the lease? At your age I’d be looking for a house share or lodger arrangement.

I know it’s scary but isn’t living this way for the rest of your life more scary??

joystir59 · 28/05/2021 03:58

You should be out there living your life and learning about who you are and how to rely on yourself as well as developing strong sustaining friendships with other young women. Stop wasting time on this relationship which sounds stifling and boring. It's not healthy to depend on another person for your emotional well-being, that's not how good relationships are. First learn to depend on yourself- that takes time.

FlyNow · 28/05/2021 04:32

He doesn't sound great but you don't need to wait for him to do things and you accompany him. Go do things yourself, go on trips and walks by yourself or with friends. Your complaint is that he doesn't do anything but that same description could be applied to you.

Sometimes I think we want our dp to be our tour guide in life but it rarely works out like that. Most couples have separate hobbies and friends, as well as spending time together.

StormcloakNord · 28/05/2021 04:46

So he's a lazy c*nt that doesn't work and is happy to live off his girlfriends earnings.

There's a word for that!

Get rid.

miltonj · 28/05/2021 05:24

Do you want this to be the rest of your life? It will be and only you can change that. This is no life for anyone let alone someone so young x

BinocularVision · 28/05/2021 05:40

Honestly, OP, ask yourself why, at 20, you actually love an idle leech whose idea of a good time is sitting on the sofa. Then dump him. He’s damaging you more by the day, and preventing you having a life..

Bananalanacake · 28/05/2021 10:36

Why doesn't he work. Is he on furlough, is he looking for a job. Why are you wasting time with a leech who expects you to pay for his keep. You can have a relationship with someone without living together you know.

LeafBeetle · 28/05/2021 10:39

Honestly OP, it's easier to leave than you think. Nearly everyone has a failed relationship behind them! You will regret it if you stay with this loser.

Rno3gfr · 28/05/2021 11:23

I had to break up with someone I loved very deeply when I was 19. It hurt so much at the time and it took me a while to get over. I’m 23 now and I don’t regret my decision, although I recognise how hard it is to do. Honestly, if he’s living with you and not working while you are, and then he complains when you ask for help paining, maybe he isn’t as nice as you think he is?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/05/2021 11:26

You're 20?! Why on EARTH would you even consider settling with a shit boyfriend like this? Move on. He's a loser. STOP dating until you up your standards. You have a future.

Beetlewing · 28/05/2021 11:28

Oh lord at 20 I had a toddler and it sounds like you've got one too. Don't do this to yourself. Tell him he is stopping you from living a fulfilled life and he needs to go. Be brave ✊

EdgeOfACoin · 28/05/2021 12:28

Whatever you do, don't have a child with him.

Now that things are opening up, join some clubs. Meet some new people. Take up a hobby which gets you out of the house.

There are so many men out there, many of them nice! And at 20, most of them won't come with too much baggage.

How will you feel in 5 years' time if nothing has changed? What about in 10? What if you have a kid and he still has no job and no desire to do anything?

When do you think it will be easier to leave? I suspect the answer is it will never be easier and will only become harder as time goes on.

Sunflowergirl1 · 28/05/2021 12:35

@c0rnishpasties "He's my best friend, I have nothing but him and our pets....how will I cope without him?l

No he is a cocklodger and relying on you needing him. What a lazy arse he is. Kick him out

Tal45 · 28/05/2021 12:48

Can you really imagine another 60 years of this? Go have a life x

tenlittlecygnets · 28/05/2021 12:51

You're 20!!! Leave him and learn how to be happy on your own.

Why doesn't he work? What does he live on? Does he do his share of the housework? What do you love about him? What do to talk about if he never goes anywhere?

You sound totally incompatible.

Londontown12 · 28/05/2021 13:12

It may seem hard ! But in reality in a months time of separation you will be completely fine !
He doesn’t do anything or go anywhere so he’s not really doing anything for u but holding u back you won’t get these years back !
You should be having the time of your life right now (obviously not cus of pandemic)
My son has just left his long term gf they were together 3 years she didn’t work she don’t wanna do anything and he didn’t wanna hurt her but he’s done it and now he feels so much better for it .
Big hugs 🤗 xx

CatsPyjama · 28/05/2021 13:27

You sound dependent on him emotionally! Why doesn’t he work? Why do you have no one but him, that’s not healthy!

You’re 20 years old, don’t waste your life.

pri11 · 28/05/2021 13:28

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CatsPyjama · 28/05/2021 13:33

Google the sunk cost fallacy.

You’ll end up resenting him.