What do you make of this?

[Dottydashdot]

If a friend did any of the following to you what would you make of it?

You buy the tickets for both of you for an event and you meet there. She offers to buy lunch for both of you but the bill doesn't cover her share of the tickets. Doesn't offer the difference. Happens several times.

Invites herself to stay at your house a lot including several weekends on the trot whilst she sorts out her parents house probate. They lived very close to you. Rarely if ever returns the favour. Probably a 5/95 ratio.

If you go shopping together gathers up armful of clothes to try on and expects you to help her choose and get other clothes for her whilst she's in the changing room. You lose the will to live to find anything for yourself. Tries to take an item of clothing out of your hands that you have picked up to look at.

Tells you a different version of events than her husband ie why someone fell out with her. Other conversations that don't add up.

Insists on borrowing a dress you have only just bought.

Borrows other items but never returns them.

Is told by a manager about your redundancy from a job where you both work a few days before you are told and then makes a show of trying to prevent it although it is pointless.

Withholds an invite to a party by a mutual friend and goes with someone else instead.

Takes over your big birthday trip abroad, makes all the decisions including shopping trips which are not your thing. You are early stage IVF pregnancy, not feeling great which goes unnoticed and you miscarry when you get home. Tries to get everyone's contact details so she can keep in touch with them.

Agrees to spend Easter with you and then acts as if you haven't had the conversation the next time you see her ie she's doing something else. Happened several times.

You ask for a very rare favour from her as you are setting up a business. She forgets to do it.

Calls you when she's staying at her parents house and tries to order you to go to the local supermarket to get her a hairdryer because she's forgotten hers and washed her hair. Her husband is sitting next to her having breakfast. Both houses are equal distance to the same supermarket.

Asks you about your Sky package and you give her a card offering both of you vouchers if she signs up. She signs up but doesn't use the deal.

You travel two hours to meet her by train and she's an hour and a half late from her journey which is ten minutes away. No explanation.

She tries to offer you your birthday gift which she's smashed on the way.

Puts a stool between you and the person you are talking to in a bar and sits on it so you can't see them anymore.

Would like the puppy you are rehomimg (pedigree but you have kept back to sort out health issues) but can you hold onto it whilst she goes on holiday and various social events. Expects it for free.

[quote Dottydashdot]**@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno, I can totally relate to that. I feel a bit mind fd to be honest. Some stuff just doesn't make sense. She can be lovely but some of the behaviours are totally off. Like all relationships it's not a continous stream of whatever you like to call it. I think I have given her far too many benefits of the doubts.[/quote]
Yes so my 'friend' I won't tell you the whole story but she is very negative and argumentative and kept sending me conspiracy stuff which I sort of replied to like oh yeah I understand but tried to keep things lighthearted. Then she started an argument with me because I didn't see her in the last lockdown even though I saw her in the other ones. Now she is meant to be my bridesmaid but contact is sporadic. I am sharing this because I think we are both going through similar things with cycles of negative behaviour that we are putting up with from our 'friends'. Hope that helps

OP, this isn’t a friendship. It’s an abusive relationship with a narcissist.
What do you actually get out of it? Anything? Or just the repeated chance to be taken for granted, talked over, treated as a mug.
For your own sake, please end it. And consider assertiveness training, so you can enforce healthy boundaries in future.

It had occurred to me she's a narcissist, a covert one. She's far enough away not to be around very much and I do see her with different eyes, hence listing some of the shit she's pulled.

I have had assertiveness training and taken appropriate action to not allow her to mess me around. This is the final clear out of dead wood. Just trying to get an objective view from unrelated people as she's very seductive as I have tried to explain. My new husband thinks she's wonderful and was about to get sucked in. Had to tell him about her past behaviours. Bit surreal really.

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno, it's difficult isn't it. On the one hand you have good history with them, on the other there's confusing shit that hurts. It's a big statement to bin her as a bridesmaid especially if other people expect her to be there. I feel for you.

@BrilliantBetty, pretty much sums up my relationship with her now. I have now stopped with the exchanging gifts things because it became another opportunity to mess me around.
She has an expectation about something I will do with her now and I am debating whether to tolerate or dip out altogether.

[quote Dottydashdot]@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno, it's difficult isn't it. On the one hand you have good history with them, on the other there's confusing shit that hurts. It's a big statement to bin her as a bridesmaid especially if other people expect her to be there. I feel for you.[/quote]
I think it just came to a head for me when she couldn't make buying the dresses and I had to explain why she wasn't there. She was working fair enough but it still felt like people thought I was an idiot. I don't want to bin her but I don't think she's particularly keen on the idea

And yes after nearly our whole lives being friends it's horrible but maybe it's been dragged out too long.

Dragged out is the correct term. She did something mildly shitty at Christmas but not enough to feel angry enough to get rid of her completely. Also it would be hard to call her out on it as it was subtle and could be explained away. I am fascinated at looking at her behaviours from a distance now.

Just not brave enough to completely cut the cord. I know other pps will see that as mad or weak. Just would like some validation that she is how I now see her and that I'm not overreacting.

Block block block on all mediums. You Do Not Need someone like that in your life! Take back your time and patience and live your best life!

Cut the cord OP what positives are YOU getting from this relationship?? You are being used.. I wish you strength to let go of this toxic person

She can be good company and fun, then she does something random, so bloody confusing. The train thing happened couple of years ago. Never happened before, she's usually very reliable with time keeping so was blind sided by it. I suspect someone may have turned up at hers and she left it very late to get to me but she wouldn't admit it so kind of used the birthday gift to placate me/dodge the issue and her apology was profuse. I don't realise I'm being manipulated until later. Total mind f**k.

The hair dryer thing was a revelation. She was obviously stressed but her tone was outrageous, like servant and master. Never heard it before. I said a firm no but was left with a wtf moment and didn't click that her husband was sitting there eating his full english until later!

But yes you are right. It's become toxic and a constant exercise in dodging her selfishness. I totally agree with the boundaries comments. However, how do you erect boundaries with a constantly moving and confusing target?

This is definitely a boiling frog scenario. I don't think I noticed because I have a parent and ex husband like this. Looks shiny on the surface but selfish inside. They have both been dealt with. Gearing up to getting rid of this one too.

I had a friend exactly like that and it didn't end well. Only I wish I had dropped her sooner when my self esteem was more intact. It became very obvious that she was only interested in me when she needed or wanted something.

One of the final straws was handing me a camera on her wedding day to take pictures of guests in the evening. She had a photographer for the day who was also a friend of hers. I was a bit miffed about it as I had already given her the wedding cake foc as a gift which I had spent weeks working on and felt like I had done enough. It wasn't until later that I realised she didn't intend to buy the photographs from the photographer and was using me for that job. I think she bought less than a handful of the photos from him of the whole day.