What do you make of this?

[Dottydashdot]

If a friend did any of the following to you what would you make of it?

You buy the tickets for both of you for an event and you meet there. She offers to buy lunch for both of you but the bill doesn't cover her share of the tickets. Doesn't offer the difference. Happens several times.

Invites herself to stay at your house a lot including several weekends on the trot whilst she sorts out her parents house probate. They lived very close to you. Rarely if ever returns the favour. Probably a 5/95 ratio.

If you go shopping together gathers up armful of clothes to try on and expects you to help her choose and get other clothes for her whilst she's in the changing room. You lose the will to live to find anything for yourself. Tries to take an item of clothing out of your hands that you have picked up to look at.

Tells you a different version of events than her husband ie why someone fell out with her. Other conversations that don't add up.

Insists on borrowing a dress you have only just bought.

Borrows other items but never returns them.

Is told by a manager about your redundancy from a job where you both work a few days before you are told and then makes a show of trying to prevent it although it is pointless.

Withholds an invite to a party by a mutual friend and goes with someone else instead.

Takes over your big birthday trip abroad, makes all the decisions including shopping trips which are not your thing. You are early stage IVF pregnancy, not feeling great which goes unnoticed and you miscarry when you get home. Tries to get everyone's contact details so she can keep in touch with them.

Agrees to spend Easter with you and then acts as if you haven't had the conversation the next time you see her ie she's doing something else. Happened several times.

You ask for a very rare favour from her as you are setting up a business. She forgets to do it.

Calls you when she's staying at her parents house and tries to order you to go to the local supermarket to get her a hairdryer because she's forgotten hers and washed her hair. Her husband is sitting next to her having breakfast. Both houses are equal distance to the same supermarket.

Asks you about your Sky package and you give her a card offering both of you vouchers if she signs up. She signs up but doesn't use the deal.

You travel two hours to meet her by train and she's an hour and a half late from her journey which is ten minutes away. No explanation.

She tries to offer you your birthday gift which she's smashed on the way.

Puts a stool between you and the person you are talking to in a bar and sits on it so you can't see them anymore.

Would like the puppy you are rehomimg (pedigree but you have kept back to sort out health issues) but can you hold onto it whilst she goes on holiday and various social events. Expects it for free.

I have pulled her up on lots of things but then something else shitty pops up. I have also withdrawn a lot to not give her the opportunity to dick me around so the friendship is pretty much arms length.

I am organising a trip abroad next year with a couple of friends and one of them was really disappointed I am not inviting her. Has made ne doubt myself. Ridiculous really -am I imagining things, am I oversensitive?

Nope! Just re-read what you’ve wrote again.

I can understand why the friend wants to invite her if she is the fun party person. But this is something you are organising and not the friend. Also there is reduced chance of escape.

Trust your instincts

Sounds like one way traffic OP

What do you actually get out of this friendship?!

Not a lot to be honest.

I take it these are things that have occurred over a long long time because - wow, what a piece of work this "friend" is!

You, on the other hand have given her every chance to show you her good qualities and it's clear she doesn't have many, any?

Others have already mentioned boundaries but I am sure you wouldn't go through this again. I think you should take a screenshot of your post so you can look at it often, incase your friendly, forgiving nature ever tries to get the better of you and let her back into your life!😁

Even better, screenshot your post, take out the obvious identifiers and send it to this person and ask " Can you believe the bare faced cheek of this CF!!!" I bet you a tenner she wouldn't recognize her own behaviour!

It looks like a list of reasons why not to be friends with her. I don't think you actually need advice here op. It's pretty obvious she's shitty.
Don't feel bad, just ditch. She gives you nothing but stress.

I'm really sorry about your miscarriage hugs

From that post I'd say that she isn't a friend and you really need to learn the art of saying no.

I know you've said you're not a complete doormat but it takes two to tango. She can't insist on anything unless you let her.

Exhausting just reading about this. Be glad she has tons of friends and step back.

Yes it is over a long period and yes she most definitely wouldn't recognise herself. She's very good at keeping in touch so there's a facade that we're besties. I know she's very very selfish. However there has been good stuff with the odd crap thrown in so sometimes confusing to bin her off. It's built up really. Bit annoyed with myself for giving her more chances.

She's hard work, bin her

Sounds like she's probably one of these really good friends for the first few months/years, then when she gets her feet under the table is really hard work. She'll be the life and soul of a party when she doesn't really know anyone, which is why your friends really like her initially.

Are you one of her oldest friends?

Anyway, I'd just drop the friendship, it's not working for you and she doesn't treat you very well. If it was a bf I'd be telling you to Ltb.

Thinking about it some of the confusion with this is the distance between things like agreeing to do things then the next time you see her she talks as if you haven't made the plans. It could be weeks in between. The first couple of times it happened I doubted myself ie perhaps I misread the agreement and let it go. Then I noticed a pattern and I called her out on it. She hasn't done it since. With hindsight I realise it was some weird thing about saying yes when she meant no but not being able to say so.

The train station thing, I was very annoyed and would have turned round to go home but had a fixed ticket which would have cost a lot to buy a single. Also I was wondering what had happened to her. When she showed up she was profusely apologetic but didn't really explain why. Also handed me a birthday present which kind of made it harder to remain angry with her.

At the time it seems almost reasonable, it's only later that I realise I've been had. Hard to explain but she's quite manipulative in covering her tracks ie 'I done something shitty but I can convince you I haven't because I am such a nice person '

I think you need to work on your own self esteem, and ask yourself why you are keeping this person in your life? She obviously brings nothing positive to it and leaves you feeling resentful and bitter. Time to spend time with people you enjoy 😊

I’d hate people to keep a list of my ‘crimes’ - I can’t understand why you have put up with all of this and created a dossier of things you don’t like about this person? Bizarre

@bigbaggyeyes, I am her oldest friend. I almost feel sorry for her because she just doesn't seem to see how selfish she is sometimes. She was complaining to me once about another friend who had pulled her up on something she'd done . It was so obvious she was at fault and when I tried to point it out to her she just looked at me blankly. No self awareness at all.

I know I need to step back but it's like kicking a puppy, one that wags it's tail at you but gives you the odd nip.

Agree

A lot of that list is not awful behaviour if you just say no. Like the tickets. I've had this happen, but the next time said, you get the tickets, I will get dinner. It's a non issue.

The birthday trip sounded like you could have said no I do t want to do x y and z. If you didn't, more fool you.

Standing up to her, which you say you do, just makes it annoying she asks on the first place.

There is some shitty behaviour on your list. It sounds like you dislike her and everything she does annoys you. It's ok to withdraw from the friendship.

By the end of the third paragraph I had walked away from her.

My oldest friend is like this at the moment and it's taken a while for me to see it. She says things like if people can't be bothered to respond to my messages I'm not chasing them then does the same to me. She think everyone are twats if they don't agree with her never mind it my be her that's the problem. It's heartbreaking to walk away from but worse to stay in a negative cycle

The birthday trip took on a mind of it's own. She started off taking care of me ie carrying my case, making sure I didn't walk too far etc. Then as everyone warmed to her, she properly took the lead and we ended up with lots of walking, late nights followed by early mornings. I did point out how tired I was becoming. Didn't make any difference. Yes I could have said no but would have ended up doing things on my own, on my birthday trip. I got 'told off for spending too long in an art gallery because the rest of the group wanted to do something else she set up. She's quite powerful when she's in show mode. However, have learnt from that and wouldn't let that set up happen again.

Regarding the tickets I do have a tendency to be generous with money as she earns a lot less but she has taken the piss at times. Again don't put myself in this position again.

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno, I can totally relate to that. I feel a bit mind f**d to be honest. Some stuff just doesn't make sense. She can be lovely but some of the behaviours are totally off. Like all relationships it's not a continous stream of whatever you like to call it. I think I have given her far too many benefits of the doubts.

When the fun stops, stop!

BYE!

You've seen how she works - either prepare yourself to say no / stand up to her, see less of her or only on your terms or give up the friendship.

I doubt no one else can see what you see - unless you are much closer to her than they are or they can withstand her better than you can.

I have a friend like this. Great to be around, life and soul, beautiful and people love being in her company/ favour, even me.

I decided 3 or 4 years ago that I was being used by her a bit. Taken for granted and flaked off whenever she felt like it. Similar to you, I once took a 2hr+ train to meet her at her Northern city where she temporarily lived and was left waiting over an hour in the station, then only saw her for coffee because she'd accidentally forgotten I was coming and had a date. I felt like such a fool on the journey back to London. There was no argument or anything but I took a massive step back. Wasn't available to meet as much, never host, always assume that she'd cancel at the last min or try and change arrangements. Never lend money. We are not close any more but I do enjoy seeing her at group social events. She's never asked what happened maybe because it was quite gradual. I wouldn't want to completely break ties but I feel a lot less rejected / used now. When I was gradually slowing down the friendship I used to respond things like 'I can't meet on that day, will be in the area on Sunday anyway so text if you're free on the day and we'll meet?' So I was never in places just to see her or setting much time aside that could be wasted.

You know, all friendships are different and no one is perfect. The thing to do is decide if you value them, then work out how to make them work for you. Eg choose events to share you enjoy, avoid topics of conversation where they don't show empathy, arrange to spend less / more time with them, meet alone or in company, etc