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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Brothers Relationship

35 replies

Pollypocket89 · 27/05/2021 22:12

Before I get told I'm too invested, I just need a sounding board and to show him this thread from outsiders

My brother is nearly 25 and has been with his girlfriend since they were 17. She has a chaotic home life so pushed to buy a house and he went along with it. He cheated on her by kissing someone else about 5 years ago and things are very up and down. They barely spent that much time together during lockdown. He says he loves her but I don't think he really does...

He's confided in me he met a woman at work and he's been having, my words, a relationship with her for 6 months. He says started as friends on both parts, she's wonderful, so much in common, beautiful and supportive of him in a way he can be honest about (some mh struggles and GF never been supportive or he's not been comfortable enough to tell her). They've not sleot together but they talk every day 24/7. He moved into house with GF about a month ago and he doesn't seem happy. I think he loves her but in a familiar kind of way...

To me, if you have feelings for someone else like that, you aren't in the right relationship?

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 27/05/2021 22:24

I'm not sure what you're asking.

Have you considered your brother is simply a garden variety cake eating cheater?

I doubt the current DP would have bought a house with him knowing he's been cheating on her for 6 months.

Jizzonmy · 27/05/2021 22:27

Are you sure you’re not ‘asking for a friend’...?

Vodkaandballoon · 27/05/2021 22:31

Yeah I wouldn't show him the thread. You think you can lay out the details of someone else's business, get a bunch of strangers to judge & then show him!. MYOB

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 27/05/2021 22:33

No no! He knows!

And no, he's not 'just a cheater'. I'm not condoning it, it's not ok. But watching him in the same relationship, people grow up and change so much

OP posts:

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 27/05/2021 22:34

The house was bought before he met this woman,it was being built

And no, I've said as much to him. They should never have moved in if he wasn't sure

OP posts:

Jizzonmy · 27/05/2021 22:35

I’m struggling to believe your 25 year old brother gave you the thumbs up to post about his cheating ways on Mumsnet of all places

peboh · 27/05/2021 22:38

@Pollypocket89

No no! He knows!

And no, he's not 'just a cheater'. I'm not condoning it, it's not ok. But watching him in the same relationship, people grow up and change so much

He's a cheater. It's as simple as that. He's done it before with a kiss, and this time it's emotional. You're justifying his behaviour by questioning that his relationship isn't right. Wrong relationship or not, you leave when you start getting feelings for somebody else and you aren't willing to give that up.

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 27/05/2021 22:40

Peboh, I'm not justifying it at all... Your last sentence is literally my point to him!

OP posts:

katy1213 · 27/05/2021 22:42

I'm wondering how a 25-year-old gets to buy a new-build?
But what does it matter? They're young - no kids - let him play the field.

RantyAnty · 27/05/2021 22:43

Tip off his partner and she'll make the decision for him. Problem solved.

AviciaJones · 27/05/2021 22:44

For a few people meeting at a young age works. For the majority it’s best to have time to grow up and experience life without being in an adult like relationship.

If your brother is attracted to other women he should finish with his girlfriend before babies come along. Enjoy being young without tying himself down for a life that hasn’t really experienced being single and carefree..

peboh · 27/05/2021 22:44

@katy1213

I'm wondering how a 25-year-old gets to buy a new-build? But what does it matter? They're young - no kids - let him play the field.

A friend of mine bought a new build with her now fiance when they were 22. If you both have decent jobs, with a steady income it's actually really easy nowadays. Also new builds are on the cheaper side of things mortgage wise.

Bootskates · 27/05/2021 22:46

Have you ever had a partner/ex have an emotional affair OP? It's hurtful as fuck.
He needs to leave gf. She's wasting the best years of her life on some cheat that doesn't respect her. She deserves better. Especially after her "chaotic" start in life.

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 27/05/2021 22:51

To give some context, she's not been great to him either. Not defending cheating still. I've just had to watch my little brother in a very unhealthy relationship for so long and now this should be a catalyst /wake up call for him

OP posts:

BrilliantBetty · 27/05/2021 22:52

Well clearly he needs to call it off with one of them. And sooner rather than later.

Why did he buy a house with his GF if he wasn't happy in the relationship? A lot of time and money wasted for both of them. Hope they manage to divide the house / assets fairly.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/05/2021 22:57

He isn't 'just' a cheater, no. But he is a cheater who is currently cheating. People can be more than one thing. He isn't just that, but he is that.

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 27/05/2021 22:59

Youvegot... Yep, I know. My saying that was in defence of the ' garden variety cake eating cheater' comment, which isn't the case. He's a mess. Not saying he doesn't deserve it but it's not the above

OP posts:

wisteria90 · 27/05/2021 23:03

Frankly speaking you're going to get flamed for this post. But I think you know that.

I think you're getting a little too involved- I understand it's hard to watch your loved one hurting, but ultimately it's his decision to make and it's not for you to tell him what will make him happy- it's for him to work it out for himself. You're trying to influence his feelings, and frankly, creating a thread to do so in the hope that you could show posters opinions to persuade him is really not cool- although I'm sure well intended.

As a sister you are bound to have a bias, but it sounds a lot like you're justifying / enabling cheating.

I have a lot of sympathy for him. I also have a lot of sympathy for his girlfriend. Having had a chaotic upbringing, you might like to show her the same empathy that you quite clearly are capable for showing when it comes to cheating.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/05/2021 23:05

I thought I recognised your username! You seem to know an awful lot of people in exactly the same position and start threads on them? Are you sure it's not a predicament you or your DH are in that you'd like some advice on?

Today it's about your brother and another woman talking loads and previously...

Re your sister and a male friend messaging loads:
Its referring to my sister and a male friend of hers. She insists they're just friends but they speak every day

Re a friend whose boyfriend was messaging someone else loads and someone said they thought you were actually talking about yourself:
I'm not, no! I'm going back and forth with a friend who's partner has done this

Re work friends discussing talking to opposite sex friends loads:
Having a zoom call this evening with a few friends and one of them mentioned their partner had messages on his phone from an upset female friend who he was consoling where he said she was extraordinarily attractive

Re you and a male colleague messaging loads one day:
Today I had a rubbish day at work and a guy I work with sometimes offered to listen while I ranted. We spoke for nearly an hour leaving work and then have exchanged messages for a few hours this evening.

Notagain20 · 27/05/2021 23:05

I'm sorry you're watching your brother in a relationship you think isn't good for him, it must have been painful. But you have obviously talked to him about it and he is continuing with his choice and I'm afraid you need to let him make his own mistakes, hard as it is to watch. You've told him how you feel but beyond that it has to be up to him. Let him know you're there for him but step back now. He's a grown man, you can't make him change his relationship until he's ready to.

wisteria90 · 27/05/2021 23:06

@Pollypocket89

This sounds tough. Not as tough as finding out you've bought a house with someone who's cheated on you for the past 6 months.

And then the icing on the cake- his sister knew, defended it - and lobbied opinions on mumsnet for advice.

Imagine.

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 27/05/2021 23:08

I always find it nasty when people do that... I'm trying to move on with my own marriage and my family is a mess... Thanks for the reminder! This is a sounding board for me and its been a live safer at times with tremendous support and help from pp

If you don't like my thread, please move on and don't post. No one is forcing you and I found that upsetting

OP posts:

Notagain20 · 27/05/2021 23:08

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Today it's about your brother and another woman talking loads and previously...

Re your sister and a male friend messaging loads:
Its referring to my sister and a male friend of hers. She insists they're just friends but they speak every day

Now that is an uncanny coincidence!

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 27/05/2021 23:09

I've said repeatedly I'm not defending him. I love him so of course I feel for him. I fully accept he's an idiot and not doing the right thing, though

OP posts:

Bootskates · 27/05/2021 23:09

You seem to know an awful lot of people in exactly the same position and start threads on them? Are you sure it's not a predicament you or your DH are in that you'd like some advice on?

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