Should I stay or should I go?

[jabbajabba1]

DP has become day trading obsessed. I gave him my savings to put some into it. And some into a joint savings account (stupid I know). He moved money over from the savings account, into trading without my knowledge. And after a few bad moves, we’ve lost everything. Our house deposit. Which is mostly my savings.

To make matters worse, he doesn’t currently have a job. As he wanted to change careers. He’s doing everything he can to get employment and make amends. He is a smart person. And he’s very kind and caring.

We’re engaged. But not married. I love him. But I just don’t know if I can trust him. And this just isn’t the life I want, or have worked for. I’ve studied. I’ve taken extra weekend work etc. I haven’t lived extravagantly. I feel sick about what's happened. I can't eat, sleep or concentrate. And I just don't know what to do.
The thought of being single at my age (I’m 34) scares me. I really want to have children.

What do I do?

That's the thing with stocks and shares, always better to study what your investing jn, in as much detail as possible, especially with films like wolf on wall street, or margin call ect, I'm currently researching stocks, shares, ect, but if someone said here's 1 million to invest, I'd say come back in a year and ask me the same question.

But I just don’t know if I can trust him.

He’s proven that you can’t. He is a gambling addict who has financially and emotionally abused you. If you stay with him, you will become diminished beyond recognition.

Have you posted about this before? When he declared that he was going to take up amateur 'trading' instead of working?

Either way, go. It's already over.

I'm sure he's no monster, but it's not smart, kind or caring to gamble away all your savings. That's no life for you.

honey be kind to yourself and let him go- he may be lovely but he's a dreamer, the world loves a dreamer as long as someone else is bank rolling them - you are young enough to start building your own security and meet someone equal to you to have a family with

My friend was widowed in November 2020. She married a man considerably older than herself who was a gambler and a drinker. She knew he liked a drink, but had no idea about the gambling until after he had died.

The house went to rack and ruin and he wouldn't pay for a plumber to fix the toilet so they were using a bucket for weeks.

When she went through his paperwork after he had died, she found he had won, and gambled away, £150,000. He also had several Breitling watches, high end laptops, tablets and phones stashed away in the house.

She's now seeing a psychotherapist. Don't let that happen to you. He is a clown - get out of there.

Thanks for all the responses. Hard to hear.

All gambling addicts are delusional, OP - that includes day traders, crypto traders etc etc. That stuff is just gambling with a fancy name.

They all think they're clever and that the next time it'll work out. It never does.

Get out now, before it gets worse for you. You can't help him.

Oh, and you're still young, but not young enough to waste more time on this man if you want children.

It's not too late to start again with someone else.

Where is your red hot ^anger^, OP?

I’m furious. But I’m also scared. It’s raw. I can’t sleep and I’m not thinking straight at the moment. The thought of starting my life over again is scary. What if I don’t meet anyone else?

Op, I mean this kindly.

What do you think the actual odds are of you not meeting anyone else as a 34-year-old single woman?

If you give this financial thug more of the best years of your life, you will be asking the same question at 35, 36 etc. He is a losing bet - pun intended. A disaster for you.

If you don't walk away from him now you will just be wasting even more of your precious life on him.

I'm all for people starting their own businesses but this sort of guy is NOT going to make a success of his own business. It's his way of not working a full week.

This is a perfect example of a sunk-costs fallacy. You have invested so much into this relationship that you think that if you abandon it now, you'll never recoup your investment. You're not going to do that anyway, OP. He's spent all your money. I'm sorry to be so harsh but you need to be absolutely fuming now and tell him to get the hell out of your life. If he finds work and makes decent repayments to you then you may well change your mind and take him back, but as it stands now, all that will happen is he'll take more and more from you.

"What if I don't meet someone else?" is a terrible reason to stay with someone who will, definitely, fuck up your life.

I have a friend who is seriously thinking of making a go of it with her financially incompetent, gambling addict ex, because she's 39 and wants a baby.

All she did when she was with him was worry and complain about how crap he was with money, and how entitled he behaved towards her earnings. He was completely delusional about his gambling and utterly feckless when it came to retirement planning.

Don't be her in five years' time, get out now. Relationships get off the ground much quicker when you're in your 30s.

What made him think he could be a day trader? What experience does he have? Was he just watching YouTube tutorials?

He moved money over from the savings account, into trading without my knowledge.

I would be absolutely livid about this. How much was it?

You're so lucky! You're lucky you're not married. You're lucky you don't share children. You're lucky you can just walk away.

You won't have a divorce to deal with. You won't have shared custody to cope with.

You're 34. You'll be absolutely fine. You'll miss the things you love about him but you absolutely deserve better - and it's within reach.

So many women on here must wish they could have walked away so easily at 34. I know I do.

oh, and PS, my friend's ex is actually a lovely chap and a fun person to hang out with. The point is not that he's a cliché Terrible Man. It's that he's a useless partner who cannot be trusted with money.

I daresay your partner is also delightful in many ways. That will not prevent him from ruining your life.

@jabbajabba1

Totally lost. He's going to get a job. He wants to start a business as well.

Who cares about him? What about you? He's an unemployed gambling addict who cost you thousands! FUCK THAT. Do not bring a child into this shit show. Get out now and don't waste more time on him.

Has he sold for a loss or just holding shares that have dropped in value? A lot has fallen over the past couple of months by c.50%+ but if he’s still holding this should hopefully recover over time.

Sorry you’re in this position OP he sounds like a loose cannon, and if he’s sold for a massive loss a not very clever one at that. I couldn’t respect the idiocy or tolerate financial deceit.

@user145678945648945645789456

Have you posted about this before? When he declared that he was going to take up amateur 'trading' instead of working?

Either way, go. It's already over.

I'm sure he's no monster, but it's not smart, kind or caring to gamble away all your savings. That's no life for you.

Yep. And had been advised by friends to invest in something and the entire MN told the OP to leave and not give him her money to invest as the investment would tank. Well, it has.

If this doesn't give you the wake up call you need, OP, I don't know what will, but having a child by this loser just because your own selfish desire to have one and being scared to leave would be so, so wrong. No child deserves to be brought into such a setting.

If you cant stand up for yourself, then at least dont subject a child to this life.

OP— I lived with someone like this for a few years— very charming fun guy— just didn’t much like conventional work— always looking for ways to make money that didn’t involve 9 to 5–. We either had good amounts of money or none and in the meantime I was paying the bills and had the steady job etc— in the end he did something that for me was ‘enough is enough’ and at 33 I had to start from scratch as he had bled me dry. It wasn’t I feel a deliberate thing— more that he wanted a good life but didn’t want to do the hours. It’s hard but get out now— if this kind of mentality is there in my opinion it will always be there and you will be expected to pick up the pieces — it’s perfectly possibly to love someone and care about them but not be in a relationship with them for your own mental health

Please start thinking about you first from now on. I was there with a partner who was loving, caring, life and soul of the party but the flip side was a man who had never been responsible for himself or anyone else in his life. He made bad choices and I was the one who cleaned up after him. He wasn't evil or abusive but he was a dreamer and always will be. After him getting upset because I wouldn't give him my life savings to start up a new business "idea", the penny started to drop.
He was always going to be a big kid who didn't want to grow up. In the meantime I was the one working a steady job,paying the bills, cooking , cleaning,washing!
Believe me it's very tiring and lonely being the only adult in a relationship. 😔
As I said, he wasn't a bad person but I had to ask myself if I wanted to live this life forever?! Because at a certain point you know what you are dealing with, and after that if you stay then you are making a conscious choice to be a doormat/enabler.
Please think about all the hours of work and sacrifices you made to be able to save up that deposit and he just frittered it away without even asking you. That really is a kick in the teeth and most definitely not smart! You need to get angry and make some decisions that ensure YOUR future because he sure as shit isn't thinking about it.

@Crikeyalmighty @pheonixrebirth

Thank you. It's really helpful to hear from people who have gone through something similar.

My exH didn't gamble but he was/is a failed entrepreneur. He's had a string of failed businesses, and I always resisted getting involved, not always successfully. After 20 years of promises and failings, I cut my losses. (It wasn't just the finances - there were loads of other issues as well) he remortgage the house countless times from 50k to 200k. He owed his parents 100k, mine 20k and went bankrupt due to being sued for 250k. Fuck! I've not thought about all that shit for a long time, or told anybody.

I left and started again at 39. I'm thankful every day that I did. My life may never be what I once thought it would be, but it's mine and he's not fucking it up anymore.