Right person wrong time?? No contact

[dangermouse707]

I dated a guy for a few months and things were so good. We had lots of dates, such a genuinely lovely time together and the connection was actually incredible. It was reciprocal and we were exclusive (he deleted dating apps first then agreed to not see/speak to anyone else) but not official.

A couple of months in, he panicked. He came out of a 6 year relationship just a few months before we started seeing each other and I think he was really hurt by it all. He sat me down teary eyed and said me meeting his friends etc made me realise he’s not ready for someone else to take that role yet. He also said he didn’t feel we were on the same page as I felt quite anxious that day as I knew he was being a bit off. He was apologetic, and said he felt frustrated because I tick all the boxes and he felt awful that dating me essentially made him realise. I suggested taking things slower and he said he really doesn’t even want to be talking to anyone at the moment so I took it quite badly at first but in the end I wished him well, said it’s okay and he needs time to heal and I completely understood.

He ended the day early saying he just wanted to be alone to think, he did say something about still chatting that evening but I said something along the lines of “you either want this or you don’t”. I went home and he texted to check I got home safe. Our last texts were really positive, he was apologetic, called me an angel and reiterated I did nothing wrong. He was the last to text which included a heart emoji.

This was 8 weeks ago now and there has been zero contact apart from he views my story updates on social media. It’s made me quite sad. To be honest I am quite surprised as I thought he potentially panicked when he ended it and he said he felt “headfucked”. All my friends thought he would come running back too. But as mentioned I did sort of suggest the no contact?
I’ve been working on myself for 8 weeks - working out, some dates, spending time with friends. But it’s been HARD and the feeling hasn’t gone away. I just have this overwhelming feeling about the connection we had and I really want to make contact. But I don’t want to disrespect his wishes of not wanting anything right now. I’m honestly so close to breaking no contact though because I genuinely feel like I met the right one (and he said this too). Am I being silly to think if he meant all that he said before, he would’ve contacted me by now? What do I do here?

I remember your original post OP and how hurt and confused your were. The fact he's not contacted you since, means that he meant what he said, he doesn't want to be with you, or possibly anyone right now, please respect that and keep going with the NC, you've done so well! You don't want to message him and have him eye roll when he sees it do you?

I wouldn't bother, he's not got in touch after 8 weeks. Sounds like he just wants/needs to be single. He might not be ready and if you get in touch you'd only be encouraging him to mess you about again. Get on with your life.

I wouldn't contact him.

Completely understand how you're feeling and wouldn't be entirely surprised if you hear from him in a year.

But right now contact would be so unfair to you both - and unhelpful for any chance of him processing/getting past the last relationship.

The chances are, this is probably something that isn't going to work. Yes it could be a timing issue but that doesn't really mean you can just change the timing and have a second run at it, although it might. In any case, you certainly need to leave it a lot longer for him to be in a different place.

If you contact him and he isn't ready, you'll put him in a position where he has to push back to get this space he needs. That won't be good for you in terms of how he might feel about you. He is clearly very sure about his decision because he knew you were upset and went through with it and hasn't been back in touch to say 'Please have me back'. If he was in loose contact with you but still not ready, you would be in a terrible position emotionally-do not go there.

So sorry OP that sounds really upsetting. I've been there and didn't hear back. I think the only thing to do is assume he meant what he said and that it's over, and to keep doing what you're doing- dating, doing things you enjoy, spending time with friends. I wouldn't get in touch first, however tempting it is. He has your contact details and knew how you felt.

I've said it before but these short relationships with real potential are disproportionately painful if they end. You're grieving for the potential and it's a kick to the pride that you weren't let in fully. But you'll be fine, time will heal. I would think about deleting him off SM so you don't have that reminder of his presence without him actually making contac

You really need to leave him alone and move on.

It is upsetting when you meet someone you see it could work with and it isn't the right time for them. Especially when it is the right time for you. However, if it wasn't right for him eight weeks ago it still won't be right for him now. It takes months and sometimes years to move on from heartbreak. If he comes back into your life sometimes down the line, maybe in a year or so, things might work out differently. But unfortunately it isn't going to work for him right now.

@Yellowhighheels “I've said it before but these short relationships with real potential are disproportionately painful if they end. You're grieving for the potential and it's a kick to the pride that you weren't let in fully.”

This is it exactly in a nutshell and sums it up perfectly! Especially that last line. I am in the exact same position as you OP and it’s taking every ounce of willpower not to contact so I deleted his number. I just keep thinking how awful I’d feel if he ignored it or rejected me and I’d go backwards when I’m already feeling rubbish. I too couldn’t believe he hadn’t been in touch but also I’ve started to think could you really trust them again not to have a freak out? Be strong and keep doing what you’re doing!

If his feelings had changed he would have contacted you. His silence is all you need to know.

How do you feel op? I had something similar a number of years back. Met someone who was fresh out of a marriage, dated for about 6 months, connection was unreal. He missed his ex and was confused, it went a bit shit and we split. Went no contact for 6 weeks. I then took his stuff back, left it outside his house and text him to tell him. We worked through a few things (the one night stand he had in that time), didn’t sleep together for 3 months as I was hurt and wanted to keep that distance.
But now I’m glad I did that, years later we have an amazing relationship, he has gone over and above any expectations I had for a relationship. I think the fact we split has made it better, as getting back together we both states our terms that we wanted and we’re both completely happy about it.

I met a guy some years ago who wasn't ready. We really liked each other, so we continued seeing each other even though we were on different pages. He liked me so much he didn't want to let me go.

Three and a half years later, we are still together but have been through hell. He cheated, he needed therapy, it was a real palava and with hindsight I wish I'd dumped him early on.

I think we would have eventually ended up together regardless, but he would have sorted his shit out alone or with someone else rather than inflicting it on me.

It's such a cliche but if someone isn't ready it's really not about you. They don't have the capacity to give their heart to you. That's the truth.

Let him go, in time, see if he gets in touch. Might be a year down the road but if it's meant to be it will be. It's hard, but you can't fix people x

He ended it and hasn’t contacted you since so I think that tells you what you need to know.

Move on OP, if he regretted his decision he would have contacted you by now

Ah OP, I'm sorry - if he had wanted to get back with you, he would have reached out. Viewing your stories is nothing more than just viewing stories. It does suck when you meet someone where it feels so right, but unfortunately timing does matter.

I would forget about him and cut all contact. This will help you move on. Maybe delete him off social media so you aren't constantly reminded of him, and won't be devastated if he does move on to someone else.

I had someone like this. Dated for 2 months, and then he told he he wasn't over his ex of 7 years he'd broken up with 6 months ago. I was very sad but deleted him off everything (didn't block him) and forced myself to move on. 3 months later I made the mistake of caving and asking if he wanted to meet up - we had a great date and ended up sleeping together again (no regrets there), but the next day he apologised and said his feelings hadn't changed and he thought I knew that, and wanted something casual. Which is fair enough as we never clarified anything. Anyway, I then had to start the recovery ALL OVER AGAIN. Took me another 2 months.... And then, then I met someone else and forgot all about him.

He is now seeing someone else, and it took him a good year since our split to meet her. So he was being truthful, and I'm glad I didn't wait around tbh.

So forget about him, move on and you will meet someone else.

I don't really agree if a man likes you he will contact you right away. He might miss you and think of you, but if he has integrity and self-awareness enough to acknowledge he's not ready then he won't contact you until he is. If only more men had this level of self-awareness rather than future faking and mind games.

Eight weeks is nothing. Truly. I would move on, but he may contact you down the line.

I think the PP @wanadu2022 is spot on because if you do cave and text and get a reply but it goes pear-shaped again you're back to square one on getting over him. It is such a hard thing to do i can relate. I dated someone for a little over 4 months and after initially saying he wanted a relationship with me, talking about the future, trying as hard as possible to see me, his behaviour slowly started to tell me otherwise. But i ignored the signs, going silent, distant etc. i convinced myself i could change his mind or he would change his in time. I tried numerous times to go NC but just ended up caving and texting he'd always respond and we'd get together but for him it was casual but i got my hopes up. Best thing to do is stay strong and not cave. It's been 3 months now and it's been so hard as I really really liked this man but I feel a lot freer. All the worry, wondering and disappointment is just gone....

Thank you everyone, that really is so helpful. The urge is absolutely there but I know it would be the worst thing to do (I’ve managed it for 8 weeks so I can do it for longer!). I completely 100% trust what he said about not being ready and do genuinely think he doesn’t want anything with anyone.

I can’t help but wonder if he thinks I don’t want him to contact me (as I did say no to chatting that evening and that it was gonna be all or nothing), but I still think he would’ve if he really wanted to.
Still also think after everything he said to me when we were together, he can’t have overly meant it if he doesn’t miss me after 8 weeks 🤨
It’s just so hard to get my head around as the connection was amazing. And subconsciously I reckon these guys I’ve been on a date with didn’t feel a spark because I wasn’t overly bothered about them compared to him 😂

@Silverstrand1 that’s really interesting, were you only NC for 6 weeks? How long did it take to build a relationship?x

I had a guy once tell me he wasn't ready for a relationship then a few months later came out official with someone else, if he's not contacted you and it should be him as he's the one to break it off then he's not interested, don't pin your hopes on him, keep dating and you'll find a good one x

can’t help but wonder if he thinks I don’t want him to contact me (as I did say no to chatting that evening and that it was gonna be all or nothing), but I still think he would’ve if he really wanted to

Try not to drive yourself nuts with this. You didn't say you didn't want to speak to him, just that he needed to be either in or out and he doesn't want to be fully in for whatever reason. You asserted a boundary which is a healthy thing. The alternative might have been to let contact drift on and not know where you stood, probably ending up in the same situation some time in the future. Honestly, you're better off now than with that.

First thing I ask a man is how long ago did any long term relationships end.

Do not get involved with this man.

You need to block him from seeing any of your SM. Don't go back .

This is the problem with dating someone who is not long out of another relationship, they think they are ready but turns out they are not and you are the one who ends up getting hurt.
I agree do not contact him, I know you think there is a glimmer of hope as you feel as if you put him off ringing later. Truthfully he did not and could have if he wanted to.
Keep doing what you are doing, get out there and date others, get on with your life and soon you will realise a day has gone by when you were not obsessing about him.

I think the stories viewing thing is a red herring. Lots of people just automatically view stories when they go on Instagram out of idle curiosity. I think he’s wrong to do it since he has made it clear it’s over and not attempted to contact you. Especially since everyone know the peeps. can see who viewed their stories. It’s a very passive way of keeping you hooked in. If he was as honourable as you think he is he’d leave well alone and not give you that little slice of his attention.
He may have his reasons for viewing, people do for all sorts of reasons, but it’s very rare it’s because they’re struggling against their passionate need to be in touch. I know that’s not what you want to hear because things like him viewing your stories gives you a glimmer of hope - and this hope is making you cling to this connection you felt rather than really focusing on getting over him. You can do all the ‘right’ things like exercise, dates, hobbies etc but if you’re doing it with a mindset of thinking he’s the one for you and just waiting for him to come running back - you’re not really moving forward, you’re distracting yourself while you wait for him.

This was me for ages!! Cannot tell you how tough it was. And all the advice on hear is exactly what my friends told me too and i was so insistent i could change his mind... an emoji message i’d get after a few weeks of him disappearing would cheer me up no end and i‘d feel like things were changing the way i wanted them too. But really he was simply keeping options open. Silence is an answer and quite a loud one too which is ironic. If someone wants to be in touch they will be. No one is too busy for weeks at a time not to be in touch. It honestly had nothing whatsoever to do with you either, it really is his loss. I think the best thing is to
listen to your gut. I ignored the niggling feeling that things were off and turns out my gut was totally right. I know the horrible sinking feeling that comes in waves, for me it was a lot about all the future plans we‘d talked about that just were never going to actually happen even though he convinced me they would... i really hope you can stay as strong as you‘re being as from
one day to the next they‘ll be a ‚lightbulb’ moment and something in you will change and you‘ll become disinterested. It‘ll feel so good too and you‘ll realise other men exist that ‚tickle your fancy‘ what an oldschool but perfect sayin!

A few years ago I could have written your post. Things were going great, or so I thought. He was telling me all I wanted to hear and I thought I'd met the one. Then he cut me off with similar bullshit to yours. I spent ages blaming myself and trying to figure out what I'd done wrong, when actually I had done nothing and it was all him and his issues. Just forget about him, it's pointless bending yourself over backwards for this guy because nothing will change and you'll drive yourself crazy in the process. I would not contact him again and I'd block his number. Maybe he'll get in touch again to lead you on, but it won't lead to the relationship you want with him because this is not how love starts and all you're doing is feeding his ego.