Always travelling to the airport - never on the holiday. Anyone else?

[ShinyBlackBoots]

Just that really. In life in general but particularly in relationships.

Mid 40s and I feel like I'm taking the scenic route through life. Not intentionally but it's just one wrong turn after another.

I'm wondering now whether I'm always going to be travelling to the airport and whether I'm ever going to board the plane let alone enjoy the holiday!

Anyone else feel like that?

Comes from just having heard so many people say to enjoy the journey. I was. But now I'm not. At some point, I'd just like to feel that I'm at least on the next leg of it!

I think you have to identify what it is you’re unhappy about. What part of the “holiday” do you want to be on? Marriage? Kids? (the latter part to me always looks like the part of the holiday “waiting fractiously for hours in the queue at the theme park you don’t even particularly want to go to.”) A successful career? And then look at building elements of it. Why do you think the wrong turns keep happening? Is it bad luck or do you make poor choices, or do you struggle with making choices at all?

Good questions and I'm not really sure.

I'm professionally qualified and work in a career bit only in short term contracts (3 years max) I've never had a permanent job in the 15 years I've been doing it. I like the flexibility but not the insecurity.

I have children. One has grown and flown the nest and the other is nearing that point - I don't want any more. I've raised most of my children largely single handedly and, whilst I have a few friends and some hobbies/interests, I've prioritised them.

In all that time, I've never had a relationship to speak of. That would be nice but I don't know where to start! I've tried online dating and hated every element of it.

I don't have family to speak of - a brother whose lifestyle is very different to mine and his family but we rarely saw them before lockdown and even less so now.

Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis! And looking at the next stage of life and not knowing where to take it...

I've raised my children largely single handedly. Not sure why I typed most of! I only have 2

It sounds as if you’ve been on some short weekend breaks in the UK but now you’d like a round the world trip.

Can you focus on what you enjoy now your caring responsibilities are diminishing and hopefully find a partner with similar interests?

It sounds as if you’ve been on some short weekend breaks in the UK but now you’d like a round the world trip.

Ha, I guess so!

I feel a bit 'unanchored'. My eldest is graduating from university this year. My youngest is doing GCSEs next but is far more independent than the eldest was at the same age. I'm aware the next few years will be tough - exams, choices on where to go next etc. so i still feel parenting is is my priority.

Relationships have always eluded me. It's not that I haven't tried and now that I'm getting older, they seek to be even more elusive. I suppose I'm set in my ways and I've been independent for a very long time. Men around my age are equally set in their ways and looking for someone younger.

I find many of their expectations incompatible with how I live my life.

I've had a few casual flings and fwbs over the years but not wanted to take it any further with any of them and the feeling has been mutual. I don't know how to 'do' relationships really.

I moved house recently and that effected some positive changes in my life - the house is always immaculate but I struggle with life admin on occasions.

It seems like you're now looking at the next chapter in your life as your DC are gaining their independence and starting their own lives.

It's a difficult time. You need to think about where you'd like to be in 10 years time and work towards that by breaking it down into manageable steps.

You say you have hobbies and friends but have prioritised your DC until now. So you kind of have your answer there. You can now put more time and effort into friendships and hobbies. And along the way you might meet a man you think it's worth spending time with.

I have hobbies and interests. Been a bit difficult with lockdown to pursue them (impossible in some cases.)

I've met people and made friends but nothing more than that.

A lot of my friends are older than me (50s) amd are now into the realm of caring for elderly parents or grandchildren. I don't have either.

I'm more confident and less encumbered than I was in my 20s and 30s but with nowhere for it to go!

I'd really like to meet women in a similar position to myself but then they always seem so much more accomplished and I felt intimidated.

so many people say to enjoy the journey
Or just accept that this IS the holiday, even if it doesn't look much like the holiday your parents or whatever other role models you are thinking of went on?

What would you retrain at if you decided to retrain?

I know what you mean. I think if you have a specific plan, you're more likely to achieve your goals and be more satisfied with where you are. I have a friend who has always had a 5 year plan...they achieved absolutely everything they wanted to. It doesn't mean life was easy or didn't have bumps along the way, but in the end they got there. I've always been a bit vague and 'gone with the flow', hence why I think I feel similar to you. Maybe you need to take time to figure out exactly what you want. If you can afford to, do some short courses (for fun, not necessarily for a career change), travel, do things you wouldn't normally do, even if they seem simple.

@Amboseli

It seems like you're now looking at the next chapter in your life as your DC are gaining their independence and starting their own lives.

It's a difficult time. You need to think about where you'd like to be in 10 years time and work towards that by breaking it down into manageable steps.

You say you have hobbies and friends but have prioritised your DC until now. So you kind of have your answer there. You can now put more time and effort into friendships and hobbies. And along the way you might meet a man you think it's worth spending time with.

I don't think i can picture myself in 10 years time!

Mid 50s feels very far away and different in terms of health/looks etc than mid 40s. On one hand, it's hard to see how I'll feel any different to how I do now but, in others, it feels a lifetime away.

I've been trying to see myself in 5 years but, realistically, my youngest could still be at home then.

It’s perfectly possible to have a full and satisfying life without a partner. My much loved and irreplaceable DH died 30 years ago, when I was 35. I raised our baby and toddler alone and worked full time, retiring four years ago.
I knew there would be a void to fill when my DDs went off to university, and more so when they graduated and moved to jobs in the city 50 miles away from our village, so I took bridge lessons for three years then joined the local club, playing in national tournaments. I also joined a table tennis club, am active in our village church, and pre lockdown enjoyed theatre, opera, concerts and foreign travel.
Life is very much what you make it, OP, and you only get one shot at it. Make it a good one!

I feel a bit haunted. I could have written this very post. Except kids are much younger. I totally understand op.

@ravenmum

so many people say to enjoy the journey Or just accept that this IS the holiday, even if it doesn't look much like the holiday your parents or whatever other role models you are thinking of went on?

What would you retrain at if you decided to retrain?

Maybe you're right.

Honestly, I'd love to teach yoga but I don't have the funds to train. I'm a primary school teacher at the moment and can't see myself doing it for another 20 years really.

@C152

I know what you mean. I think if you have a specific plan, you're more likely to achieve your goals and be more satisfied with where you are. I have a friend who has always had a 5 year plan...they achieved absolutely everything they wanted to. It doesn't mean life was easy or didn't have bumps along the way, but in the end they got there. I've always been a bit vague and 'gone with the flow', hence why I think I feel similar to you. Maybe you need to take time to figure out exactly what you want. If you can afford to, do some short courses (for fun, not necessarily for a career change), travel, do things you wouldn't normally do, even if they seem simple.

I'm a lot more go with the flow too and I don't think it's helped.

I love learning. I haven't done anything for a while because my job takes so much time but I could do that again.

My 'journey's has landed me on my arse several time, theough illness, marriage breakdown, unmanaged or diagnosed mental illness. Life was a tough and shitty series of huge downs and the occasional modest up.
I ended up with DD7, am a single mother and decided to improve my lot and my outlook.
I saved every penny I could. I surrounded myself with quality over quantity friends and family. I've prioritised my health. I've perused hobbies, gardening, painting, art and walking my dog. I smile, alot. I don't grumble and don't engage with the news or negative/gossipy people. I have faith in the universe that everything will progress for me as it should. I have regular walks/coffees with friends.
I didn't have a purpose to much of this but have now bought a house, got my health under control partly and have learned that contentment is far better than happiness. It is lasting and stable.
Thus I've inadvertently created an enjoyable journey and for me the destination is death, as that is where the journey is terminated, which I hope to arrive at having been the best person to myself as well as to others, in a body I've thoroughly enjoyed and trashed!
A big step for me was self forgiveness and acceptance for the awful person i thought i used to be and the dreadful action of that person.

@Babdoc

It’s perfectly possible to have a full and satisfying life without a partner. My much loved and irreplaceable DH died 30 years ago, when I was 35. I raised our baby and toddler alone and worked full time, retiring four years ago. I knew there would be a void to fill when my DDs went off to university, and more so when they graduated and moved to jobs in the city 50 miles away from our village, so I took bridge lessons for three years then joined the local club, playing in national tournaments. I also joined a table tennis club, am active in our village church, and pre lockdown enjoyed theatre, opera, concerts and foreign travel. Life is very much what you make it, OP, and you only get one shot at it. Make it a good one!

I've read your posts before. I'm familiar with your story and you've done amazingly.

I have a few musical hobbies which are very full on and time consuming during normal times. A friend has invited me to their.theatre group - maybe I should go although acting has never been my thing...

I go to festivals and gigs.

I'm normally quite active but do have a tendancy to be a bit laid back too.

It's half term next week. Perhaps I need to take some time for self reflection and work out what I want.

I think meeting people online might work for you. You're obviously articulate and come across well on Mumsnet. I'd give it another go.

OP, that’s an excellent idea, to reflect during half term on what you would like to do.

Stop being a passenger in your life, take the wheel!
Try out new things- some may be shit, some so-so, but you may find hobbies and activities that you will love and be enthused by.
Festivals and gigs will be restarting very soon too, so you can pick up your existing interests and enjoy them again.
Don’t feel that you are in a rut - see it as a blank canvas opportunity to redesign your life. Good luck!

Could you take on some private tutoring - post-Covid catchup - and make some extra cash? Extra evening job? Is there some way of getting into yoga or something similar a more roundabout way or via a side door while still working in your current job?

Thanks for the replies.

Stop being a passenger in your life, take the wheel!

This is so true! After my last post, I thought then that I'm just being so passive in it all!

I do PPA at home in the morning so have a later start on Thursday. I walked in to work. It's only 20 mins and I feel so much better for it.

I've thought about doing some extra tutoring in the evenings. I could manage that. Especially over the summer.

I did start new hobbies about 8 years ago and it was exactly as suggested - some were so so, some I loved and stuck at. I have some lasting friendships from them too - I've lost touch with some people over the years.

Don’t feel that you are in a rut - see it as a blank canvas opportunity to redesign your life. Good luck!

I think I've definitely felt stuck in a rut over recent years and especially over the past 12 months.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury

If by 'people' you mean men and online dating, I just couldn't do it again. I didn't have much luck and found myself lowering my standards and expectations (which aren't particularly high or unreaslistic) which I don't want to do.

@ravenmum

Could you take on some private tutoring - post-Covid catchup - and make some extra cash? Extra evening job? Is there some way of getting into yoga or something similar a more roundabout way or via a side door while still working in your current job?

The yoga studio near me has a comprehensive teacher training programme but it around £2.5k.

Maybe I'll have that as a medium term goal... its something I've thought about workijg towards as a longer term retirement plan for some time. I've just not invested in myself enough, I don't think.

My friend's yoga teacher is in her 90s and has been teaching for 30 years. It is possible...

Would you be interested in a longer term plan, for instance where you train to be a yoga teacher (my daughter did her training for that in India and had a fantastic time) and maybe long-term think of having a studio which you work in and rent out to others for different classes? You could change location if you wanted to.

Whilst that's a fantastic idea, it's probably beyond my means. At least until the very long term.

The studio near me was started by a woman who did just that and has expanded greatly over the past 5 years or so.

At this stage, I'd be happy planning to afford the training!

Once my youngest has moved out and is stable, I would have a lot of flexibility/freedom in terms of where I lived. My personal running costs are (or at least could/should be) low.

I don't always feel I fit into 'mainstream society very well, despite best efforts. Perhaps, once I no longer have to prioritise children, I need an entirely new approach to life 🤷🏻‍♀️

You only have to read Mumsnet to realise that 'unanchored' is often by far the best way to live! You're unfettered!

Do you have a mortgage, OP? If so, when will it be paid off?