Feeling absolutely broken (possible trigger warning)

[Devastatedmum123]

Hi I’m sorry if this is in the wrong place but couldn’t find anywhere else to write it.

I’m a single mother to four children my oldest hasn’t been well mentally for the last year. Two weeks ago I got a call from their councillor saying they were having to contact social services as she had brought up a safe guarding issue but they couldn’t tell me what it was about as they didn’t want me to know. Next thing I know I have ss and the police round talking to my dc and then me and all they could tell me was they had made allegations against my exes dad of abuse but couldn’t tell me more as my child didn’t want me to know. Since then I have had more ss meetings ect but still haven’t been told anything. I’ve managed to work out through chats with my child that it was between up until they were 12 and that it was while she stayed at their house but they can’t open up to me. I just feel like I have let them down so badly and I just don’t know what to do. They know I’m here if they ever want to talk but they said they don’t want me to look at them differently.

As well as this their grandmother who I used to speak to every day went completely silent for the last two weeks. Not a word to check the grandkids were ok or even an angry call. Just nothing. Then yesterday I accidentally answer a call from her. She just tried to act like it was nothing and wanted to know if we could all meet for coffee. Turns out he’s still living with her and in her words “if she thought it was true he wouldn’t still be there as her other young grandkids live with them. I wish I could have been angry or something but I’m not the best at showing my emotions and often go into myself when I’m angry.I was also shocked at the shit coming out of her mouth. She left the call saying let me know when you want to meet.

It’s all hit me this morning and I just feel like crying and hiding from the world I know I can’t as I need to be strong for the kids but I feel like I don’t know how to cope with all of this.

God I’m making this sound like it’s all about me but it’s not. I’m just so worried about my oldest and trying to act like everything’s ok with the others. Then going to work and acting like life is great. I’m just a complete mess.

I’m not sure what I’m asking but just needed to put this somewhere.

Sorry to hear you're going through all this. Must be so rough. Right now what you need to do is to give that love and support to your eldest child and continue being there for them. Keep up with the
Social services and let them know that the grandfather has small children living with him. They too, could be in a dangerous situation. Stay strong and just be there for your child which sounds like you're doing already. Also, let her know that nothing would make you look at her different. She is the victim in this piece. Wishing you all the best

Sorry for the typos. I just feel so sick and can’t believe she’s acting like it’s all a lie. I’m starting to feel like maybe she was part of it as she was there when my oldest stayed with them. Why would someone not be horrified about this and still live in the same house with this man. I was very shy when I met my ex and his whole family kind of love bombed me if that makes sense. My oldest isn’t their paternal grandchild and they took us both under their wing. I may be wrong and maybe she had no idea idk I just feel sick. My ex was always trying to take me out to leave the kids at his parents as he was abusice and jealous of me being with them. I just don’t know my mind is a complete mess right now.

I’ve told my oldest I would never think of them differently. The reason they told the councillor was because of the young children and not wanting it to happen to them. They said if it hadn’t been for them they would never have told.

I am so, so sorry you're going through this.

Please try and access some counselling/support for yourself as it sounds like a hell of a lot to process.

A friend of mine went through something similar a while back with a family member. Fortunately her kids weren't involved but it broke her relationship with several other family member as some chose to support the person involved.

It was a rough time but she come through it and is doing OK now, so as absolutely shattering as this must be, things will move forward for you all.

My own mother ignored my abuse and refused to believe it. Because to acknowledge it would have meant losing everything, she wasn't strong enough to lose her whole life and so decided to lose me instead.
This happens a lot in families, the abused person is ostracised because nobody wants to upset the status quo - not one single family member backed me and I ended up alone at a very young age.
The very best you can do for her is to tell her it's not her fault and that you will love and stand by her no matter what anyone else thinks, she will need that.
Thank God she had the courage to tell somebody.

I'm so sorry.

Please speak to your gp and see if you can get some support for yourself, and see what is available for your child.

What an awful time you're having OP
I think you should find some time to yourself to have a cry, it will do you good to get some of that emotion out. Get it all out of here too, it sounds like you need to talk about it and although counselling is a great idea, it's also expensive and you may not have time for it.

If grandmother won't acknowledge what is going on, I wouldn't let her anywhere near. The most important thing you can do is believe your DC, even when you don't know exactly what it is that you're believing.

God I’m making this sound like it’s all about me but it’s not.

You are not at all, please don't worry about that! You are allowed to have emotions.

I believe her and have never doubted it. She knows I’m here for her and has even said thanks for not pushing me to talk.

I think I’m just shocked at the way the grandmother is trying to just act like nothings happened. She is very pushy and I find it hard to deal with her. My heads all over the place. I also just can’t shake a feeling she already knew. That’s probably an awful thing to say.

I hope you and your daughter are okay.

I cannot get my head around people who won't believe accusers. I've cut off many members of my own family because they wouldn't believe an abused relative. Makes me sick.

She may have already known, you're right, but she may have boxed that knowledge up and pushed it into the furthest recesses of her mind in order not to deal with it.

I'm not saying that makes it alright by the way, but she may not have been mentally strong enough to deal with it and so be in denial. Like a pp poster said, maintaining the status quo may have been more important to her.

Some people operate on "me and mine above any principles". I'm so sorry this has happened to your daughter.

IN this situation you're there for your daughter, but you need to take care of yourself too. Keep eating, try not to drink or keep it low, if you can, exercise. Taking care of yourself is part of the process of taking care / being there for her. If you have to, maybe sleeping tablets for a time, disturbed sleep weakens you more than most people realise.

You're going to have to find your inner tigress and say that in the light of the allegations your children will not being going to grandmothers and will have no contact with her. She sounds a nightmare, pushy and "my son can do no wrong". Some people can't be reasoned with and all you can do is shut the door and barricade it.

Is it possible to say to her that in the circumstances you can't stay in touch at the moment until it all blows over? (with the intention of never getting in touch ever again) and then block her? Given that her son is staying with her, you probably have SS on your side here and in fact, contact with her is probably a Bad Thing in their eyes.

I hope your poor daughter can find healing, devasted. every best wish for her and you all, now your life's been utterly turned upside down in such a terrible way.

It’s not her son but her partner who the allegations are about. Her so. Was my ex.

OP I have been through something similar. I am surprised the man hasn't been arrested yet. That may come along when they gather enough evidence. If he does get arrested then it takes a while for the CPS to make a decision based on the evidence. If they have enough evidence and prosecute it takes up to 18 months to 2 years to get to court. I am telling you this as I had no idea about the process of something like this and was unprepared. His wife will always believe him and stand by him. Your poor daughter must be in pieces as must you. You must get support for yourself and as much support as you need for your daughter. It will be a long drawn out process but is necessary to prosecute, if it gets to court. I went into a grief process....shock, denial, depression, anger then acceptance. So, please acknowledge your feelings and thank goodness your daughter has the strength to now tackle this and speak out. Good luck OP I wish you all the strength to get through this with your daughter xxxx

Thank you everyone I forgot to say he was arrested but released as dd doesn’t want to press charges as she is scared of the process.

He was arrested and his wife still thinks he's innocent? She really is deep in denial isn't she?! Imagine thinking that she could meet you all for coffee, the mind boggles.

So sorry to hear this.

The majority of partners of sex offenders stay with them and more than often they had/have absolutely no idea about any abuse happening. It's very similar to women who are in domestic abuse situations and stay with the perpetrator.

My advice for you would be to immediately get some support, perhaps through Women's Aid .

@Devastatedmum123

Thank you everyone I forgot to say he was arrested but released as dd doesn’t want to press charges as she is scared of the process.

He was released on bail I assume pending the CPS to see if there is enough evidence to go to court. Its very difficult to get this to court but I am not sure that if she doesn't want to press charges whether it can be dropped. I am not a lawyer but I think the situation can still be prosecuted if the police believe there is a case to answer for, even if your daughter wants to drop it. I am sure other MNetters may be more knowledgeable in this area. Your daughter was very brave to speak out.

Police may press charges even without her testimony, if there are other reports or evidence. It sounds as if the Safeguarding process has been effectively applied. Your role is to no longer engage with gm and ensure there is no further opportunity for her p to see your dc. Do not meet her again or discuss the situation by text or email. Her denial is self preservation but toxic and your dc are your priority.

Thanks everyone today was so hard and it all hit me this morning. It’s one of those days I wished I didn’t woke in such a stressful job where I have to be happy and on form all day.

She’s tried contacting my daughter today and keeps trying to text me so going to block now.

100% block all contact.
You don't have to speak to them ever again.

Can you take some time off work?

Thinking of you and your daughter

I hope you manage to get a good night's sleep and feel better tomorrow. Keep posting here if you need support.

I would definitely block and refuse to engage with her or him to ANY extent.

SS will expect you to do this as a minimum to safeguard the children.

If they knock at your door, don't answer

I’m not the best at showing my emotions and often go into myself when I’m angry.

I was very shy when I met my ex and his whole family kind of love bombed me if that makes sense.

At some stage when things have resolved more i think it would be useful for you to talk to someone about this behaviour. Because if there is something in your upbringing or personal experience that is impacting your ability to protect yourself and your kids, it may be worth trying to overcome it.