Feeling absolutely broken (possible trigger warning)

[Devastatedmum123]

Hi I’m sorry if this is in the wrong place but couldn’t find anywhere else to write it.

I’m a single mother to four children my oldest hasn’t been well mentally for the last year. Two weeks ago I got a call from their councillor saying they were having to contact social services as she had brought up a safe guarding issue but they couldn’t tell me what it was about as they didn’t want me to know. Next thing I know I have ss and the police round talking to my dc and then me and all they could tell me was they had made allegations against my exes dad of abuse but couldn’t tell me more as my child didn’t want me to know. Since then I have had more ss meetings ect but still haven’t been told anything. I’ve managed to work out through chats with my child that it was between up until they were 12 and that it was while she stayed at their house but they can’t open up to me. I just feel like I have let them down so badly and I just don’t know what to do. They know I’m here if they ever want to talk but they said they don’t want me to look at them differently.

As well as this their grandmother who I used to speak to every day went completely silent for the last two weeks. Not a word to check the grandkids were ok or even an angry call. Just nothing. Then yesterday I accidentally answer a call from her. She just tried to act like it was nothing and wanted to know if we could all meet for coffee. Turns out he’s still living with her and in her words “if she thought it was true he wouldn’t still be there as her other young grandkids live with them. I wish I could have been angry or something but I’m not the best at showing my emotions and often go into myself when I’m angry.I was also shocked at the shit coming out of her mouth. She left the call saying let me know when you want to meet.

It’s all hit me this morning and I just feel like crying and hiding from the world I know I can’t as I need to be strong for the kids but I feel like I don’t know how to cope with all of this.

God I’m making this sound like it’s all about me but it’s not. I’m just so worried about my oldest and trying to act like everything’s ok with the others. Then going to work and acting like life is great. I’m just a complete mess.

I’m not sure what I’m asking but just needed to put this somewhere.

@Devastatedmum123

She’s tried contacting my daughter today and keeps trying to text me so going to block now.

The audacity of her trying to contact your daughter.

I would send one message to her saying you want no further contact and any contact with you or your child will be reported as harassment.

Then block. And follow through with harassment report if she doesn't respect your wishes.

I am so so so sorry this has happened, you sound like a lovely mum and she sounds like a bloody lovely girl

@MondayYogurt

I’m not the best at showing my emotions and often go into myself when I’m angry.

I was very shy when I met my ex and his whole family kind of love bombed me if that makes sense.

At some stage when things have resolved more i think it would be useful for you to talk to someone about this behaviour. Because if there is something in your upbringing or personal experience that is impacting your ability to protect yourself and your kids, it may be worth trying to overcome it.

I am already working on this as I have a dissociative disorder so when I get stressed I disassociate from situations. I’m learning ways to stop this but it’s a long process. I am better than I was but high stress things set it off again.

On the subject of ss the woman was talking about meeting exes mum for coffees etc as it would be nice to keep her relationship with the grandkids. This was when she hadn’t spoken to me so maybe she said something like that to her too. My dd was so upset about the text I’ve shown her how to block on her phone now.

@Devastatedmum123

I believe her and have never doubted it. She knows I’m here for her and has even said thanks for not pushing me to talk.

I think I’m just shocked at the way the grandmother is trying to just act like nothings happened. She is very pushy and I find it hard to deal with her. My heads all over the place. I also just can’t shake a feeling she already knew. That’s probably an awful thing to say.

Trust your instincts. Love and support your daughter and tell ss asap about the grandfather and little kids. ASAP. Your daughter is trying to protect them and you have to do all in your power to help her do just that and save other innocent children. Def go nc with the grandmother. What a witch.

How are you feeling today? Any better?

I’m feeling a bit better. Like another poster said it feels like grief. I have blocked their gran and didn’t think to block my ex as he never messaged me only to get a message the other morning saying the man who did it had been taken to hospital for a health scare and that they thought I might want to know. So I blocked them too as I had to fight the urge to reply with “good hope he dies” or “why the fuck do you think I care?”

OP I’m so sorry to hear this. Your poor daughter.
I totally understand your shock and horror.
Your daughter has been very brave and strong.
I’ve been her but many years ago.
I’ve just stood up to another perpetrator recently and finally being heard.
That’s what really makes the difference- support and love from those you tell.
I’m going to say this before someone else does - just so you know- your daughter doesn’t get to “press charges”. That’s not how it works in the UK. If she doesn’t support the investigation or potential prosecution the case will probably fail or not go to court, and that’s her right. But it’s the police who determines whether to put a case to the CPS.
I wish you all the best.
Ps your ex is a total arsehole

For texting you re the health scare I mean.
His father is pure evil

OP, what a terrible situation, and how brave of your DD.

You might find mosac.org.uk/ useful - support for parents in your situation.

Thanks so much again everyone. Does anyone have advice on how to explain to the others why they can’t see their grandparents anymore. They are really struggling with it as they used to see them quite a lot.

How old are the other children?

13 and 9. The 13yr old has asd so struggles to understand things.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through🙏💙
it's not uncommon for families to protect the perpetrator and try to discredit the victim, it's shocking and horrifying but it happens. With your love and support your daughter can come through this, it's so very important that you believe her.

I don't know what to say about your ex, for some reason he is unable to break his loyalty to his father, this suggests a very dysfunctional family dynamic. It would probably be best to engage with him as little as possible if at all. The message about the perpetrator being ill was (imo) an attempt to try and make you feel sorry for the perpetrator and this would open the door for blaming the victim. It's very hard to process how people can behave like this, the levels of denial etc.