Marriage advice

[Wgal2008]

Hi.

I’ve been on here before just after my wedding in 2019.
Long story short we had a happy relationship, a child and had been together for years. After the wedding it all changed
The honeymoon was like pulling teeth
He told me the spark had gone a few months into being married
He had said he didn’t find me attractive anymore
And lots of other sad things which led me to ask on here what had happened to my life?! On top of all this I was 4 months pregnant with the baby we had tried for years for

Anyway the netmums response was right there was someone else it came out in months to come (Oct 2019) a girl at work. A 19 year old 😷 and they had an emotional affair. It bothers me I’ll never know more but they were meeting up and he was dropping her home and doing overtime with her etc.

He asked me to get an abortion. I’m so pleased I did not as I have my rainbow baby who’s now 1 and my beautiful 5 year old. Anyway!!

That’s the background we resolved it I forgave him after he stayed at his parents for a week. We were as good as new. The baby came. We celebrated one year married and the whole spark thing came up again
Hes unhappy
I had no hobby’s (lockdown and a newborn. Go figure...!)
We had nothing in common

I very calmly told him I can’t do this again. If he wants to go let’s stay friends and he cried and apologised.

Fast forward another 6 months he’s acting shifty. I’m heart broken thinking omg here we go again. I’ve put it down to mental health struggles so far I guess but it’s got me down all of this marriage stuff surely it’s not normal for him to be saying it and trust me we have an easy happy marriage. Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants.
I confronted him. He was unhappy again. He had gotten us in £1,000s of debt. And he actually left and said he can’t see us ever working. His parents knew about the debt he had worked up and never told me which I felt betrayal due to being close to them.

We’ve gotten through it and I’ve learnt to be independent but try my hardest to make us work. I accidentally got pregnant when we got back together and had to have an abortion. I was on the fence but I’ve only ever wanted two. That’s another story.

I’m a giving, hard working, loving soul with rose tinted glasses!!! Someone please tell me what to do as I’m so stuck. I’m not perfect but I try damn hard and am loyal and loving.

Fast forward to the start of this month. Almost another 6 months on to the day. It’s like a sick nightmare..
He was off with me and the kids. I’ve just started my career I love and have done two degrees for!! And I feel that happiness was tainted with him yet again saying he’s unhappy!!! Why doesn’t he leave me ?!!!
Hes unhappy but he loves me. My heart hurts. What do I do. Why is this happening. I can’t waste my young years being put down every 6 months.

This time his reasons are
He wants different things
He doesn’t think we have much in common
Etc etc again.

He’s soooo nice. Like the old him before marriage after he says all these things about why he’s unhappy mainly aimed at holes in me and us. I’ve tried everything. Honestly I don’t want to loose my family unit but what can I do. I feel down trodden and I should be happy. I have everything I ever wanted.

Anyone been in this same situation.

Should I run for the hills

Try again

is this normal?!

Thank you. Sorry for my rant. Just so hurt and confused xxx

I’m a believer in second chances. You gave him another chance and he blew it. Enough is enough. Keeping you dangling, terrified that he’s going to pull the rug again is too much. Call it a day, as hard as it is, move on and find happiness elsewhere.

Leave him
He’s cheating on you and he’s disloyal

He's not nice. He can be charming and loving, I'm sure, but he's not nice.

Nice people don't repeatedly pull the rug out from under the person they claim to love.

You're in a cycle here, a horrible pattern of his making.

I really strongly recommend you end this. He keeps sabotaging everything you have. Your story reminds me somewhat of my own and my ex never changed. I do far better on my own, and I think you will too.

You're investing your energies in a person not worthy of them. You sound like you've got a lot to give, leave this person and find someone who deserves you and can give back.

I'm so sorry for you OP, you deserve stability for you and your children especially after you have worked so hard on your degrees and career.
My husband did a similar thing to me x 2. Each time I forgave him and on the 3rd I said no enough we're getting divorced and he left then.
It took a huge psychlogical toll on me and I said to him I cannot go through this again, he begged and begged and I said no absolutely not, you've had 2 chances no more. I knew it would go on and on if I didn't make it stop.
Life without him was very very sad at first after 20 years together but I realised I suddenly felt so free and not crying all the time.
You can do this, you are better than him.

My exH was like this, every few months he would say how unhappy he was, it was always my fault by the way, too overweight, didn't give him enough attention, wasn't clever enough. I would be put through the wringer each time trying to keep the family unit together and trying to fix things so he would be happy. Most times there was OW involved which I have found out since.

After 17 years of marriage I ended it. I felt like I've wasted 17 years of my life. OP you sound like a really good person and you have your beautiful children. Don't be like me and let your children watch him slowly destroy you, you all deserve so much better. He's a cheat and will blame you for his unhappiness, break free from his cruelty.

Thank you so much everyone. Your amazing. You have no idea how much I needed to hear I'm not crazy.

Next question is how do I do it. I want to be strong and just do it but I want to really mean it and stick to it.

I need to sort my priorities out and it's me and the kids now. There's only so many chances. I'm not sure I have this 5 th one in me. Everyone says I have a great personality and I'm tall and attractive which I personally don't see but it's nice to think someone else may want me. I think it's time to put an end to this awful cycle for my self, my kids and my family who are sooo amazing and supportive and lovely but they're wondering why I'm staying with him. I don't have to worry about my house as I rented it before we lived together so it's in my name and money wise hopefully I'd get help and I have my job I mentioned above.

How did anyone else end a toxic relationship. It's so so sad as I love his company and we did have the best relationship and memories but the loss of trust and loyalty and awful things said to me are too much to come back from I think

I want fun bubbly me back and to have no regrets. I've given it two years and we're in exactly the same spot. No money as his mysteriously disappears and I end up working and sorting out the kids supporting him through his debt and issues even though he's on good money.

If this was my friend in my shoes I'd be shaking them saying what are you doing your worth so much more but when it's you and your living it it's so different!! X

Unfortunately he doesn't love you but making his own way is to much effort, you're the convenient option until he comes across someone else who's life he can step into.
Take control of your life and remove him from it. You have a great future ahead of you without a headf**k like him in it.

He was creeping around after a 19 year old at work when you were pregnant and just married. He ruined your honeymoon and asked you for an abortion. He's got you in £1000's of debt. Ugh he sounds hideous. I wouldnt want someone like that around my kids.

Be strong and decisive and tell him it’s over. You deserve sooo much more. You want to keep your family unit together but he’s there in person but his heart isn’t there. He has
No loyalty. Life is wayyy to short to be treated with this level of disrespect. Find a man who treats you well x

He seems very emotionally immature..self soothing with adoration from a 19 year old, spending money he doesn't have, planning a wedding .

If you didn't have dc you wouldn't be with him. Reliability in a partner is vital as it affects your stability which is needed for the children.

He wants you to end things imo so he can pretend he tried his best.

You don't deserve to be treated like this

@TotorosCatBus

He wants you to end things imo so he can pretend he tried his best.

You don't deserve to be treated like this

I couldn't agree more. I hate that it's on me to end it. He will play the victim I just know it. If only everyone knew what I've been through. Hopefully we can end it amicably. In all honesty I want to pack his bags now and say please leave and let's stay friends for the kids. I won't be doing all of this making him dinner and meeting for coffee rubbish. I'll be friendly as I always am but I need to draw a strong line so I don't get drawn back into his empty promises and sob stories x

It might help if you do tell people what you've been through - telling people will stiffen your resolve and make it real. Don't cover for him any more. I'm not saying shout it from the rooftops how shit he is, but tell supportive friends and family.

Well I've thought about it for weeks and I've wrote my feelings in a letter. Packed his stuff really nicely and I'll talk to him when he's home from work. I hope he accepts it amicably. I don't want any drama or tears. I want to grieve alone when he leaves with his stuff as last time I made the mistake of having him as a shoulder to cry on and forgave him. I hope with all my heart I'm doing the right thing and this goes well

It sounds like you’re being amazingly strong OP. You can do this.

Ditch him.

He's a headfuck that's messing you about. You can see this.

God run for the hills as fast as you can! You will be doing yourself a favour and your children will thank you for it when they are old enough to realise what a selfish prick their father is. Because I can guarantee you he won’t be there for them either.

You will be absolutely fine when you break free. You will find your strong spirited self again and someone will love you for all your wonderful traits.

Once you leave you will see things clearly and wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.

He is gone. A few tears and he left. He said it was sad but he agreed.
I think that's made me all the more sure there's more to it and he can't love me as much as he claims. I thought he'd at least try for one more chance. Maybe he gave up out of kindness to me or maybe there's more to it. Time will tell. I cried all last night but I went to work today and feel a wait lifted. I've had my best friend with me for company and she's now gone home and I'm not crying yet. I'm sure it'll hit me soon but I hope I stay strong. Reflecting on how much I put up with is complete insanity. I've read back over my old journals and things have got worse not better over time with our marriage. Thank you for your replies. So grateful

Well done.

Be gentle with yourself, lots of self care.

It's a new start

Well done op , look after yourself , get your family and friends to support you. Try and eat and drink nice things and be kind to yourself. You r done the right thing for you and your dc. An exciting new future awaits you

You gave him his chance. One and done. Now he's gone and that's ace. Steel yourself for the reappearance of the colleague with whom he had an EA, and with whom he may in fact have not ever have broken it off. Or a new one. Concentrate on your children and your career. Good luck! You'll be grand x

oh no i didnt realise this was an old thread, just read it all and now i want to know how the OP is doing, hope she's doing amazing without him

Oh my goodness!!! Reading through this is so sad. We have been divorced two years in September. He’s been with someone else helping raise her twins for two years almost now. It’s been really hard but I’m glad it’s stable for the kids. I’ve not met her and thought that was him being mean but I contacted her with a really nice message just before Christmas and it turns out she has no interest in meeting me 😮!!! I have no control over who they see or what they do which was hard at first but I’ve come to peace with it now. His mum has been brilliant at coparenting with me as we’re allowed 0 communication according to him. Still narcissistic but no longer has a hold on my life 🙌! I can’t believe what a shell of a person I was. My friends have been amazing and I’ve got my confidence back to date again. My social life is amazing on kid free weekends and I’ve completed many things from my bucket list. My career is going well and I’m hoping to get a promotion soon. I’ve paid for everything by myself and hopefully will buy a house in a year or two. Kids are happy and healthy and doing so well at school!! Don’t get me wrong. I never wanted to be divorced and I get super upset on parents evenings and jealous of married couples but I’ve decided I’m going to make my own happy ending with someone else 😃 I wish he would be more involved but every other weekend is better than some people have. I’ve gotten really into positive thinking and reading the secret to get myself back to the old me. Love to anyone going through something similar. Wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy x